bonehead Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Over the last 7 months my oldest has had two different girlfriends. The first one I made him break it off over drug issues the girl had. My son did admit to smoking pot with her once. Now Friday night my oldest is brought home by the police. Seems he broke up with his current girlfriend during the day. Went to the movies with some male friends, and she showed up at the theater when the movie got out. Was sitting in her car yelling and screaming. My son got into the car to try and calm her down and she started driving. He then noticed a beer bottle between her legs. Long story short, someone called the police to report the arguement, they got stopped, she went to jail for OUIL. ( shes 17 ) he did admit that she does drink once in a while. WHY is he chosing these types of girls???
justpassingthrough Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 WHY is he chosing these types of girls??? And where is he meeting them so that they're the best his pool of dating candidates has to offer. Edit: I replied too quickly. I would just like to add this. When my son was little and creeping around the furniture, learning to walk, I would follow him around just to make sure he didn't fall and hurt himself. 'Til my dad saw me. He told me, "That's why God gave us butts - so we'll have something to fall down on. He's got to learn to fall and get back up by himself sometime." And he was right. Sometimes you have to let your kids fall on their butts, even if it's with girlfriends. Just keep doing what you're doing - stay involved and keep the lines of communication open.
sb129 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 BH- can appreciate why you are concerned re :your sons taste in women, but I take it hes pretty young too? To me, all teenage girls are as horrendous as eachother, and I used to BE one. Shudder! We need to make our own mistakes and learn from them... and sometimes teenagers have a tough time doing that, as they think they know best about everything. As you know, parental disapproval may have the opposite effect, and make him more likely to go after "unsuitable" girls if he knows how much you disapprove of this girl or that girl. Sounds like he is strong enough to break it off with them (therefore isn't being a doormat), and also sensible enough with regards to alcohol and drugs, which is great and you should be proud. I agree with JPT- keep the communication going, as he confides in you and this is also good.
Storyrider Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Teenagers tend to hang out in packs, and he is probably drawing his girlfriends from a larger group he runs with in school that share certain values and behaviors. Unfortunately, if he has admitted to smoking pot once, he has probably done it five times at least. Sorry to be the voice of cynicism. He will probably survive it though.
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Teenagers tend to hang out in packs, and he is probably drawing his girlfriends from a larger group he runs with in school that share certain values and behaviors. That's my guess, too. Take a look at who his GUY friends are and what they do during their free time. Odds are, your son has befriended some risk takers, otherwise he wouldn't be meeting/dating girls who do the drinking and pot smoking stuff. Also, consider that the girls who aren't drinking and smoking pot, generally are going to different places and hanging out with different girls/guys - meaning the groups don't mix for social activities, school lunch, clubs, after school activities, etc. ETA: Oh, yeah, as to why he is chasing the drinking/smoking girls...they're usually the ones who will, um, put out, sooner than the other girls. Alcohol and pot sure do bring out the horny teenage hormones.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 he did admit that she does drink once in a while. WHY is he chosing these types of girls??? I think it helps to keep them busy - I made each of my kids play a sport in high school as a condition of driving. They also end up hanging around more motivated kids that seem to have less interest in partying and drugs. Might help to get your son involved in something... Mr. Lucky
Sundancer Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Well I know guys and girls are different but I dated guys that were, let's say, "on the bad side" when I was a teen because I thought I could "fix" them. Could it possibly be he just wants to help these girls? That he sees their "good potential"? I don't know, my husband is always telling me guys and girls think totally different so I may be way off base- just thought I'd throw that out there...
Trialbyfire Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 From what I've seen of teens right now, the "badass" image is prevalent. In the past it was more underground for girls, with fewer doing it, but girls seem to have taken up the call in an even more blatant fashion. I'm not certain how your son can avoid this any more. You can only continue to build on his foundation of decency, remain in contact as previous posters have mentioned and hope for the best.
Guest Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Ensure that he is an honour student even if you have to do most of the work. Enroll him in one sport and one music activity. He can do what he wants with the remainder of his free time with one important difference -- the old pals won't want him hanging with them any longer! He will have no choice but to befriend a new group of friends. It may also be a good idea to have him move schools.
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 15, 2007 Posted May 15, 2007 Please don't delude yourself into thinking athletes and honor students are clean and sober. Teenagers are not animals. The care and feeding advice offered by most anti-drug partnerships are simplistic at best and misleading in many ways. An honest dialogue about your son's behavior and social group is your only chance at manipulating him, and it might be too late for that.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 Please don't delude yourself into thinking athletes and honor students are clean and sober. Who said that? What was said was that your child has a better chance of making good choices if he associates with kids that are motivated to succeed. Honor students and athletes are two such groups... Mr. Lucky
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 it's just that a year ago, i was in high school. most of my friends were, too. your advice, though relevant, doesn't seem to me to be all that accurate.
halfarock Posted May 16, 2007 Posted May 16, 2007 ....WHY is he chosing these types of girls??? Probably because he likes them. I think it helps to keep them busy - I made each of my kids play a sport in high school as a condition of driving. They also end up hanging around more motivated kids that seem to have less interest in partying and drugs. Might help to get your son involved in something... Please don't delude yourself into thinking athletes and honor students are clean and sober. Who said that? What was said was that your child has a better chance of making good choices if he associates with kids that are motivated to succeed. Honor students and athletes are two such groups... When I was in high school back in the late 70’s I earned straight A’s and lettered in tennis, swimming, and track. Still, I found time to party, smoke pot, drink beer, and pursue girls who also partied, smoked pot, and drank beer. Nearly 30 years later I still don’t think these were bad choices. When hearing other people talk about and give advise about children I always get the feeling that those giving the advise think that if you keep children ignorant and under control long enough that somehow they’ll become adults knowing the “right “ things to do. It really doesn’t work that way. The best time for kids to do dumb things is when they are young when their mistakes are less damaging to their lives. If you raise your children well then once they are 17 and smoking a little pot it is probably no big deal. Not really.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 17, 2007 Posted May 17, 2007 When hearing other people talk about and give advise about children I always get the feeling that those giving the advise think that if you keep children ignorant and under control long enough that somehow they’ll become adults knowing the “right “ things to do. It's really the opposite of ignorance. It's about making you kids feel empowered and intelligent enough to understand that they (not peer pressure, MTV or MySpace) can make their own choices. The learning curve is steeper for some than others... Mr. Lucky
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 20, 2007 Posted May 20, 2007 I know what you mean, halfarock--so often do I hear parents say, basically: "I really wish my kid would be more resistant to his friends/MTV/myspace/rap music, and have the strength to adopt my opinions instead."
Mr. Lucky Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 and have the strength to adopt my opinions instead. So tell us, D&R, since you have poked holes in our suggestions, what guidance to you have to offer the OP? Mr. Lucky
Diamonds&Rust Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Didn't mean to poke any holes. Just don't quite agree with you. My advice remains the same: "An honest dialogue about your son's behavior and social group is your only chance at manipulating him, and it might be too late for that."
Mr. Lucky Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 Didn't mean to poke any holes. Just don't quite agree with you. My advice remains the same: "An honest dialogue about your son's behavior and social group is your only chance at manipulating him, and it might be too late for that." Check back with me in 20 years. I'll be interested to see if you're willing to be so passive and resigned when it's YOUR kids we're talking about Mr. Lucky
halfarock Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 When I was a kid growing up I absolutely did not like the way I was treated by my parents who were conservative and strict (harsh). I also wasn’t much impressed with the way my friends were treated by their parents either. I always vowed that I would raise my children in a much better way. I never punished my children at all. I’ve never talked down to them or to any other child as most adults seem to do. I always talked with them, about anything and everything. Nearly all of my leisure time activities involved doing things with my kids. My attitude was never to push my kids into being one way or another, but rather to support them in becoming who they are and will become. When my oldest, a girl, was seventeen and hanging out with less than desirable characters and probably drinking beer and smoking pot, I worried very little because I understood that she was at an age were one has this need to push the limits, to explore new ground. I also knew her very well and trusted her judgments. Knowing that I would support her no matter what allowed her to confidently be who she was without succumbing to that need to impress that tempts many teenagers into doing stupid things. While raising my children I was continually criticized, even had the authorities called a few times for letting the kids run just a little too free for someone’s comfort. Now at 24 and 22, my kids grown, well adjusted, happy, interesting, intelligent, and succeeding in their chosen directions, I have full confidence that I made the right choices in raising my kids. This is especially so when I look at the children of those who most criticized me and all of the many problems that they have. All I’m saying is that once your child reaches 17 and you still feel the need to manipulate him then you have somehow missed his growing up.
sb129 Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted as a teenager within reason. I knew my boundaries, and always let my parents know where I was. I grew up in a small community, tho I still experimented with booze and drugs. Rebelling became something I wasn't really interested in because I knew that I would get more freedom and less hassle if I still did well at school etc. I couldn't be bothered pushing my parents limits, and for that they treated me as an adult. I am a happy well adjusted person with a good career now... never veered off the rails..
dropdeadlegs Posted May 21, 2007 Posted May 21, 2007 bonehead, Parenting is one tough job. I had a lot of difficulty talking to my parents and took another route with my kids. I call it the "do ask, do tell" method. It's a method still under testing, so I'm not sure what the long term results will be. I know my teenagers smoked pot, drank, had sex, all the things I did at that age. The only difference is that through open discussion about the pros and cons, I felt that I was more "in the know" and thus better able to "control" outcomes. I may very well be deluding myself. When my teens asked to be considered adult-like, I gave them what they asked for. Adulthood isn't easy either, is it? We give them cars and cell phones and still expect them to act like kids? I think those are adult things, myself. Adult things come with adult responsibility, like payments and bills. So far, I haven't had to take steps such as forcing a breakup and have found that my children have often (not always) made good decisions on their own. They often took longer than I would have liked to come to conclusions, but being able to talk about things really helped a lot. Through communication, nor demands, I have often gotten the desired result and the best part was they came to their own conclusion in their minds. My oldest son still makes choices that I don't believe to always be in his best interests, but he has to live with them, not me. He is more of a risk taker, but he is growing up now that he has a daughter of his own. Some of us have to have children to truly grow up and become adults. Childhood today isn't what it used to be. In some ways children are expected to grow up more quickly. Single parent homes are common and two sets of eyes can see more than one set. Divorced parents frequently don't support one another as much and the "united front" has nearly ceased to exist. Good luck with your son. Odds are that he will turn out fine and is just living to learn and learning to live.
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