Unforgetable77 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 For those of u who have already read my previous thread u will know my situation for those who haven't .....i am currently in a R/ being the OW I am almost certain that the majority of us OW/OM don't plan on taking on that role which leads me to ask '' do we honestly have a say on who we fall in love with??'' I am also interested to know how many people have actually fallen in love with someone and not acted on these feelings?? I am not making excuses but how many OW/OM purposely go out of their way to find a partner who is actually already in a R/??
scaredinlove Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I am not making excuses but how many OW/OM purposely go out of their way to find a partner who is actually already in a R/?? I was minding my own unhappy bussiness when MM come along. I was married to and very unhappy. At first I denied my feelings, later I fought it and if wasn't for his insistet courtership it probably would have lrt it go.But he never gave up! After a 1 1/2 I finally gave in. 5 yrs later the whole world has collapsed and we are still in love.
Lizzie60 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 For those of u who have already read my previous thread u will know my situation for those who haven't .....i am currently in a R/ being the OW I am almost certain that the majority of us OW/OM don't plan on taking on that role which leads me to ask '' do we honestly have a say on who we fall in love with??'' I am also interested to know how many people have actually fallen in love with someone and not acted on these feelings?? I am not making excuses but how many OW/OM purposely go out of their way to find a partner who is actually already in a R/?? This is exactly what I want now. I want someone who is already committed. I know this sound strange. Why? I like the fact that I live alone, it is always 'me' time, LOL. I love my house very clean and uncluttered, so when I get up in the morning, everything is clean and tidy. I don't fall in love though. I love the fact that I only get to see them for a few hours on a regular basis, we chat about their work, their kids, we even talk about their relationship most of the time, I give them advice (I know I'm weird LOL) but it's fun. We enjoy the sex and the friendship. So bottom line, I always get to see them at their best, I get the best of both world...just like them I guess. They have their comfortable life, I have mine, they can trust me. Since I started that lifestyle about 5 years ago, I find this is what work best for me.
Author Unforgetable77 Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 erm i did say .....the Majority..................
Trialbyfire Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Simply put, you make a personal choice for everything you do. When you wake up in the morning, you can choose to shower or not... Honestly, how can you say you have no choice in who you fall in love with? When attraction starts, if someone is off-limits, shut it down before you fall in love. You might as well be a child or an animal if you aren't able to control yourself before things get out-of-hand.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 One of our members here at LS, Moose , used to include this story in his signature line. I think really... it can apply to ALOT of different things in life, not just the strain of negative vs. positive emotions. For me, love is a choice. It's 'the wolf I feed' within my marriage. Outside the marriage, attraction can happen to anyone... but whether or not to ACT ON IT, is also a choice. This would be 'the wolf I starve'. The Story of Two Wolves An Older Cherokee man is teaching his Grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he says to the boy. "it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves". One is Evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, selfishness, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego. The other is good. He is LOVE, joy, peace, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith. "This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person". The Grandson thinks about this for a minute and then asks his Grandfather, "Which wolf will win?" The old Cherokee replies, "the one you feed."
PoshPrincess Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Not sure that we really can choose who we fall in love with. IMO it CAN be something that just creeps up on us. However, LadyJane is totally right in saying that we can help acting on our feelings when we know someone is off limits. I have to say I was mad about MM from the off, was going through a break-up (my choice though difficult all the same) and thought I could handle 'a bit of fun' to take my mind off things. V selfish I know, knowing that he was married and had a family but I did it all the same and unfortunately you can't change the past. When I was a lot younger I often had Rs with attached men (usually a fair bit older than myself) but they were always PAs and I NEVER fell in love with any of them. Maybe if they had told me they loved me I would have been gullible enough to believe it and may have found myself falling for them but fortunately they were always honest with me about their situation. I never had the "my wife doesn't understand me" BS from them. Most of them freely admitted that they just wanted a bit of fun on the side! When I met MM almost two years ago I really thought it would be a casual PA although I liked him as a person from the start and we really clicked. It didn't turn out quite how I expected. Like I said, I fell for him in a big way. Had he never told me he loved me I certainly would never have said it to him but, of course, once he did, things totally changed as it was then that we started being honest (?!) about our feelings for each other. I wasn't in love with MM before we started our R. I think that can only come with having an EA/PA with someone and knowing them well (being 'in love' as oppose to 'loving' someone, that is). Still, that sounds pretty contradictory as I now wonder if I ever really knew him at all
Tomcat33 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I think you can talk to someone once and become completely infatuated by them and you cannot control how your heart feels and why it is feeling in such a way. That we cannot control. However to fall in love with someone it takes time and it takes getting to know the other person, in order for this to happen you must allow the person in first. Therefore I think we do have choice in falling in love.
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 One has a choice on whether or not you explore the feelings and if you let them grow and act upon it. (*You* being used as whoever, not directed at anyone..)
Topper Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 How pathetic to say you don't havea choice. You always have a choice.
HappyAtLast Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I didn't have a choice when I fell in love with my OW, but I did make the conscious choice to act upon those feelings. Big difference between feeling and acting, in my opinion.
Trialbyfire Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I didn't have a choice when I fell in love with my OW, but I did make the conscious choice to act upon those feelings. Big difference between feeling and acting, in my opinion. Was it love at first sight?
pricillia Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Lizzie is your avatar a stuffed animal cause it looks really really cute! ok getting back on subject... there is some say who we fall in love with your head and your heart have a say and I am not sure which one is stronger...
HappyAtLast Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Was it love at first sight? No, I don't believe in love at first sight. I have to really know someone to love them.
Trialbyfire Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 No, I don't believe in love at first sight. I have to really know someone to love them. Then you made a choice...regardless. You allowed someone of interest to get closer to you. Then, you made a choice to have an affair and after that, made a choice to leave your wife for her. Life's full of big or small choices, conscious or subconscious ones.
HappyAtLast Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 had I not allowed myself to get close enough to her to fall in love it could not have happened. Once I did, I could not help falling in love with her. I stand corrected. Then you made a choice...regardless. You allowed someone of interest to get closer to you. Then, you made a choice to have an affair and after that, made a choice to leave your wife for her. Life's full of big or small choices, conscious or subconscious ones.
Salicious Crumb Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 This is exactly what I want now. I want someone who is already committed. . You gonna feel that same way when the time comes and his committed partner clocks you with a right hook or scratches your eyes out?
HappyAtLast Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 In my own defense, for whatever it is worth, my OW and I were a team professionally the year we met. Thinking about my last post, even though I allowed myself to fall in love with her, our work situation was such that it would have been next to impossible to not. Not sure that makes sense Then you made a choice...regardless. You allowed someone of interest to get closer to you. Then, you made a choice to have an affair and after that, made a choice to leave your wife for her. Life's full of big or small choices, conscious or subconscious ones.
Trialbyfire Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 In my own defense, for whatever it is worth, my OW and I were a team professionally the year we met. Thinking about my last post, even though I allowed myself to fall in love with her, our work situation was such that it would have been next to impossible to not. Not sure that makes sense I understand what you're trying to tell me but it's still choice. Previous to being self-employed, I worked primarily with men. Most of them were intelligent, witty, charming, relatively good-looking, wealthy...and...more importantly, in "committed" relationships (marriage, common-law, LTRs, etc). It rarely stopped them from hitting on women, looking for a side chippie. None of these guys were anything beyond a quick, physical flash of interest. It was conscious effort on my part to shut it down before things got beyond what I considered acceptable behaviour for a woman in a "committed" relationship. Even after D-day, I continued to shut it down. There's always a choice, regardless of how unhappy you are in a relationship.
anner Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Yes we do really have a say. I have been there, done that for several years and now regret it deeply. Especially as the same thing happened to me when I was in a longterm relationship! But I guess that's Karma!
HappyAtLast Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 I cannot disagree. Although I was relatively unhappy for the last 15 of my 20 year marriage, I never allowed anyone in, regardless of how closely I worked with them. When I met my OW (sounds funny to call her that), I did allow myself to open up. You are right.... I understand what you're trying to tell me but it's still choice. Previous to being self-employed, I worked primarily with men. Most of them were intelligent, witty, charming, relatively good-looking, wealthy...and...more importantly, in "committed" relationships (marriage, common-law, LTRs, etc). It rarely stopped them from hitting on women, looking for a side chippie. None of these guys were anything beyond a quick, physical flash of interest. It was conscious effort on my part to shut it down before things got beyond what I considered acceptable behaviour for a woman in a "committed" relationship. Even after D-day, I continued to shut it down. There's always a choice, regardless of how unhappy you are in a relationship.
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