MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Is it so weak that every time I think of him I get this hot pain rushing across my chest? It's not the usual heartbreak where it feels like a lump in my throat or someone stabbing my heart, it feels like a hot flash or something. Maybe it's just my age? I emailed him today. Gawd stupid, I thought I could handle any reply but he basically said "there is no going back for me, i have moved on". This he says after he says his feelings were genuine and it was not casual sex for him. So then why? Why did my wanting to talk to him scare him away? He said he got spooked at the way I handled things, and he was still mending his broken heart from last August for f sakes. We only saw each other 3 times, talked on the phone for 2 weeks (at least an hour). Maybe I just feel numb because of the dumbass thing I did, pressured him to make a decision, which was wrong. But I am now reading the Venus and Mars book, and learning alot. I went into his cave, the forbidden zone, when he needed space, and he didn't understand it was because I needed to talk because I am from Venus. So I have been feeling like I sabotaged this potential relationship, the way he talks, but I really think it was him. He even had the nerve to say he was looking forward to alot of the things we talked about (he gave details). Is he disappointed in me? I suppose I will get over it, but this is a hard night. thanks for listening
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Oh, please. Stop blaming yourself, and don't you dare let him blame you. He's not a child - he's a grown man and he ought to be able to handle a conversation regardless of what it's about. All that Venus/Mars cave/well crap is just that - crap. You're just supposed to let some guy hide away in his cave for as long as he wants while leaving you hanging? No wonder women sink into the Venus well - you might as well drown yourself if you believe you need to wait around indefinitely for some guy to talk to you. Ooooh, must you tiptoe around and cater to an immature child who can't even be honest with you about his thoughts and must run away and hide? And what's he going to do for you in return? There, there, pretend to listen and nod uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh when he finally comes out of his cave and allows you to finally speak? Look, I know you really liked this guy, but he's clearly not reliable. Nor does he truly want to be with you: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for this man and his behaviour.
Guest Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 don't beat yourself up. here's what i've learned in life, the hard way.....some men just simply are not communicators, no matter how many excuses you make...they simply do not express their feelings. however, they do when it is too late. you see, they do not give you a clue of what's on their mind when you can make some changes, they just tend to hold thoughts in and then run when it's not going as they think it should. it has nothing to do with you...this was probably established long before you even came around.
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Is it so weak that every time I think of him I get this hot pain rushing across my chest? It's not the usual heartbreak where it feels like a lump in my throat or someone stabbing my heart, it feels like a hot flash or something. Maybe it's just my age? I emailed him today. Gawd stupid, I thought I could handle any reply but he basically said "there is no going back for me, i have moved on". This he says after he says his feelings were genuine and it was not casual sex for him. So then why? Why did my wanting to talk to him scare him away? He said he got spooked at the way I handled things, and he was still mending his broken heart from last August for f sakes. We only saw each other 3 times, talked on the phone for 2 weeks (at least an hour). Maybe I just feel numb because of the dumbass thing I did, pressured him to make a decision, which was wrong. But I am now reading the Venus and Mars book, and learning alot. I went into his cave, the forbidden zone, when he needed space, and he didn't understand it was because I needed to talk because I am from Venus. So I have been feeling like I sabotaged this potential relationship, the way he talks, but I really think it was him. He even had the nerve to say he was looking forward to alot of the things we talked about (he gave details). Is he disappointed in me? I suppose I will get over it, but this is a hard night. thanks for listening I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I'm going to take a gander and say that the feeling you're experiencing is simply embarrassment and frustration. It wasn't him. You tried to force communication, emotion, and commitment on him - way too soon. He might have been ready for it, but your demands spooked him. Stop contacting him. You're feelings for him are way too intense given how little you saw him/knew him. I don't think he was lying to you or being contradictory - he likely WAS looking forward to developing things with you...slowly. You rushed things not only physically (which he agreed to, obviously) but emotionally as well. Continuing to contact him is only reinforcing his (correct) decision that you were way more into him than he was into you. He hadn't had enough time or experience with you to develop that level of emotion, and the fact that you had already scared the crapola out of him - and rightfully so. NC. NC. NC. It'll do you a world of good.
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Oh, please. Stop blaming yourself, and don't you dare let him blame you. He's not a child - he's a grown man and he ought to be able to handle a conversation regardless of what it's about. All that Venus/Mars cave/well crap is just that - crap. You're just supposed to let some guy hide away in his cave for as long as he wants while leaving you hanging? No wonder women sink into the Venus well - you might as well drown yourself if you believe you need to wait around indefinitely for some guy to talk to you. Ooooh, must you tiptoe around and cater to an immature child who can't even be honest with you about his thoughts and must run away and hide? And what's he going to do for you in return? There, there, pretend to listen and nod uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh when he finally comes out of his cave and allows you to finally speak? Look, I know you really liked this guy, but he's clearly not reliable. Nor does he truly want to be with you: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for this man and his behaviour. Wow. I've never had a completely different view of a situation than you, NJ. Weird.
Art_Critic Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 We only saw each other 3 times, Focus on this... Reverse roles.. If a guy that you only saw 3 times freaked you out and he kept contacting you.. you would be on LS talking about how screwed up he is for not taking a hint.. and you would also be talking about if he continued that you would be thinking he was stalking you.. Well ? Stop.. you are a grown woman that didn't hit it off with this guy.. I know you are hurting but it has more to do with you and where you are with yourself than with him.. he just happened along at this point in your life to point this out to you..
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Wow. I've never had a completely different view of a situation than you, NJ. Weird. If he can be intimate enough to have sex with her, he can be intimitate enough to talk with her about it. If he can't man up and talk about it, then tell him to go f*ck himself.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 I like norajane's responses the best....thanks I believe he was genuine but you are right, it was his problem. I typed a reply to him and deleted it. I have to start thinking for myself and not take stupid advice from needy friends. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I didn't take that advice. I know it was short term, I know! i've had my heart broken before too, lots of times. But this time feels so different, I can't explain it. Finally I found a guy so different from anyone I have ever dated, and I guess I didn't feel worthy, and thought I would be rejected again as usual, I think i need help.
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 If he can be intimate enough to have sex with her, he can be intimitate enough to talk with her about it. If he can't man up and talk about it, then tell him to go f*ck himself. NJ - have you read her other posts? They did talk about it. He did man up and talk about it. He told her he wanted to slow down. Shortly thereafter, she went after him with a a sort of "I have to know NOW where this is going??" kind of ultimatum. That wigged him out. They ended it. She's still trying to contact him for "answers" when they had only seen each other 3 times. He wanted to slow down, and she kept pushing and pushing and pushing... It's over, and she's STILL pushing. I think if she reversed the situation as AC did, she might start to see it differently.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Look, I know you really liked this guy, but he's clearly not reliable. Nor does he truly want to be with you: If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for this man and his behaviour. This is true. He appears to have moved on fairly quickly, trying to find his next victim. My book said that you find the right one by having an "open heart". His is so locked tight. It also said you won't know if it's the wrong person unless your heart is open.
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 This is true. He appears to have moved on fairly quickly, trying to find his next victim. My book said that you find the right one by having an "open heart". His is so locked tight. Now you're playing the victim?
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 NJ - have you read her other posts? They did talk about it. He did man up and talk about it. He told her he wanted to slow down. Shortly thereafter, she went after him with a a sort of "I have to know NOW where this is going??" kind of ultimatum. That wigged him out. They ended it. She's still trying to contact him for "answers" when they had only seen each other 3 times. He wanted to slow down, and she kept pushing and pushing and pushing... It's over, and she's STILL pushing. I think if she reversed the situation as AC did, she might start to see it differently. He didn't say anything about slowing down. He was sick, and wanted time to think about this. I agreed to give him time, but my dumb needy friend at work said I should demand to know and got me all pumped to ask him if we are still on or what. I wasn't pushing and pushing and pushing. I wanted him to know that I took someone else's advice. He just got spooked, he's a typical guy. Well, what's done is done, and it's done. I will be fine. I'll get some help.
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I like norajane's responses the best....thanks I believe he was genuine but you are right, it was his problem. I typed a reply to him and deleted it. I have to start thinking for myself and not take stupid advice from needy friends. I don't know if it would have made a difference if I didn't take that advice. I know it was short term, I know! i've had my heart broken before too, lots of times. But this time feels so different, I can't explain it. Finally I found a guy so different from anyone I have ever dated, and I guess I didn't feel worthy, and thought I would be rejected again as usual, I think i need help. You put him on a pedestal from the start. There's no way that kind of relationship is going to go well...it means you put him and his needs first, and yourself last. WWIU: A bit more about the night we had sex...we had been texting each other some really hot messages in the afternoon, before he went to meet his friend for a drink. Then he text'd me and asked if I wanna (insert sexual act here) later tonight? I replied that I hadn't thought of it, thinking he'd had his whole evening booked. Then he said something cutesy and I said "you know I wanna" and then when he was done having a drink, he text'd with "so do you wanna .... or what?" Here is where I got sucked in. I replied with "Well, is this just a booty call or what?" and he replied with "how can you ask me that question :(" It was the sad blue face on my phone that got to me. So I said "I'd love to see you tonight" and he showed up an hour or so later and we did the deed and it was so nice. Then he text'd me in the morning saying he didn't feel well and was going to sleep in the afternoon and see how he felt later and then he was feverish, chilled, and sore throat later. Is this a huge red fricken flag that I am not seeing? I'm sorry, but that wasn't a date. That was a booty call that he tacked onto his evening because the texts got him all hot and bothered and thinking about sex. If he was so all-fired in need of TIME and taking it slow, that wouldn't have ever happened. But he wanted sex, and you gave it to him at a moment's notice. Even though you wanted the sex, too, you put him first. Wouldn't you have wanted your first time together to be a bit more about you - like, after a real date where he'd spent some time looking into your eyes and intelligent conversation and flirting? But no, you allowed him to manipulate you with a sad text smiley...you put him first. How is that ever going to lead to a relationship where you are partners who care about each other's needs? It can't. Because you put him on a pedestal and made him more important than yourself.
Art_Critic Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I like norajane's responses the best....thanks This is because NJ post makes you the victim and makes the way you feel his responsibility because you don't want to feel responsible for how you feel.. This guy didn't make you his victim.... I remember right before you slept with him.. you were given advice to NOT sleep with him this soon but in your posts you mentioned how much you wanted to sleep with him... He didn't take advantage of you.. You are responsible for what you do and say..They are responsible for how they react to it
Island Girl Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 But I am now reading the Venus and Mars book, and learning alot. I went into his cave, the forbidden zone, when he needed space, and he didn't understand it was because I needed to talk because I am from Venus. The two that wrote the book have had multiple marriages and even married and divorced EACH OTHER. If they new what they were talking about they'd have stayed together themselves. Instead they got divorced and still make money off of people buying their books for relationship advice. UGH.
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 NJ - have you read her other posts? They did talk about it. He did man up and talk about it. He told her he wanted to slow down. Shortly thereafter, she went after him with a a sort of "I have to know NOW where this is going??" kind of ultimatum. That wigged him out. They ended it. She's still trying to contact him for "answers" when they had only seen each other 3 times. He wanted to slow down, and she kept pushing and pushing and pushing... It's over, and she's STILL pushing. I think if she reversed the situation as AC did, she might start to see it differently. I have read her other posts, and I have not trusted this man from the start. Moreover, I have believed that she gave this man wayyyyy too much credit for being better than her. Yes, he did talk to her, but it's funny how he suddenly wanted to slow down when he was the one who pushed for the booty call. Funny how they never want to slow down on the sex until the lady wants to call it a relationship. If he'd wanted to take things slow and he needed tiiiiiiime to figure it out, he should have taken his tiiiiiiime before having sex with her, and he should have taken the tiiiiiime to have a real evening with her and not just screw her after he'd been drinking with someone else.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 i know. i feel bad tonight because I emailed him and thought I would be able to handle his reply. Here's what I sent to him (not all of it, I took out the small talk): "Last Monday, I took some advice from a friend at work. My exact words to him were ‘no he will think I’m being pushy and I said I’d give him time’. Well, in a pms moment, I took his advice anyway and emailed you because he said ‘you deserve to know’. WTF did I deserve to know? I’m not even sure myself what I wanted to know LOL. Anyway, this guy is a really good friend but he is also the needy type, and thinks all guys think like him and I guess my emotions got the best of me, and I think it’s because I realize now that I just don’t handle casual sex very well. Anyway, I was out of line and I apologize. I also feel bad that you didn’t get to know me and only had that moment to judge what I am all about. I know we moved way too fast, I know talking on the phone over an hour every night is too much too soon. I know I need to set my boundaries, put up the walls and be true to myself again and take things slowly getting to know someone before even thinking ‘relationship’. I also know it takes two If you wish to keep in touch, that would be nice. If you read this far, then thanks for hearing me out." And here is his reply (really genuine, so you tell me...I'm the screwed up one, right?): "This was not casual sex for me and I enjoyed all of our phones calls, but I mentioned several times, my heart is broken and is mending and you were the one that had more opportunity than anyone else. I had genuine feelings for you, but when I got sick the day after we made love, I felt that you could not handle several things being ... that I did not invite you over, was too quiet and did not make plans for us to get together again. Gees baby, I was sick and had lack of sleep ...what did you want me to do? You just needed to wait for me to get a little better and we would have been making plans to go golfing in no time ( I was really looking forward to that). Again, i really liked you and I really wanted to make sure before I really, really opened up to you, but if this is how you handled things now, I got spooked and how things will be. Again...my feeling for your were genuine and I really liked you and I could not stop thinking about you...you were doing it for me. I was so looking forward to ********* and be by your side when you needed me there for you. But now there is no chance of that. I am sorry *****, but for me, there is no going back and I have moved on. Take care " sniff
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 He didn't say anything about slowing down. He ...wanted time to think about this. Semantics. He wanted time without you being all needy/clingy, and you denied him that.
Art_Critic Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Please don't contact him anymore... I'm sorry you are hurting..
Island Girl Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I'm sorry, but that wasn't a date. That was a booty call that he tacked onto his evening because the texts got him all hot and bothered and thinking about sex. If he was so all-fired in need of TIME and taking it slow, that wouldn't have ever happened. But he wanted sex, and you gave it to him at a moment's notice. Even though you wanted the sex, too, you put him first. Wouldn't you have wanted your first time together to be a bit more about you - like, after a real date where he'd spent some time looking into your eyes and intelligent conversation and flirting? NOW I remember this thread. I remember when it was going on I was thinking -- "DON'T sleep with him!" And AC said it. The texts beck and forth were a clear window -- he wanted sex. That is it. It takes time for a man to get involved with his head and heart. There are certainly exceptions but better to be safe than sorry. OP - You should have held yourself with more respect than accept a late night text message booty call from some guy you barely know. Now that is all he sees you as. Lesson learned, right? Now you can move on and hopefully understand that YOU set the boundaries of behavior. If a guy can sleep with you, he will. And it doesn't have to mean anything. Women are the emotional creatures. When we have sex there is much more behind it from the very beginning. If you don't make sure he is right there with you -- the same mind set BY HIS ACTIONS -- then don't be surprised if it ends up with his ability to take a quick walk.
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 You put him on a pedestal from the start. There's no way that kind of relationship is going to go well... I'm sorry, but that wasn't a date....But he wanted sex, and you gave it to him at a moment's notice. Even though you wanted the sex, too, you put him first. Wouldn't you have wanted your first time together to be a bit more about you - like, after a real date where he'd spent some time looking into your eyes and intelligent conversation and flirting? But no, you allowed him to manipulate you with a sad text smiley...you put him first. How is that ever going to lead to a relationship where you are partners who care about each other's needs? It can't. Because you put him on a pedestal and made him more important than yourself. Girl, you are confusing me. How is all of the above HIS fault? SHE made ALL of these choices. Anyway. Just sayin'...
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Gees baby, player talk, baby. Again, i really liked you and I really wanted to make sure before I really, really opened up to you, So he didn't know if he really, really liked you and wasn't sure he wanted to really, really open up to you before he got his rocks off with you, huh? MWC, there is really, really no need to buy this swampland he's trying to sell you. Just because you think he's all full of values and whatnot, what proof do you have? How do you know who he was having a drink with the night of your booty call? How do you know he wasn't on a date with someone else he'd met online? You know, his first or second date with her before he texted her with a sad smiley about a booty call? You don't. So don't give him more credit than he's earned.
Author MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 So he lied about it not being casual sex? ya think?
Star Gazer Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Funny how they never want to slow down on the sex until the lady wants to call it a relationship. If he'd wanted to take things slow and he needed tiiiiiiime to figure it out, he should have taken his tiiiiiiime before having sex with her, and he should have taken the tiiiiiime to have a real evening with her and not just screw her after he'd been drinking with someone else. In the same vain though, if she wanted a relationship, she should have taken HER tiiiiime ( ) before sleeping with him, and SHE should have required real time spent with her and not just a booty call. I'm not saying he's without fault necessarily. He could likely be a player/punka$$. But SHE has to protect HERSELF from the players by WAITING. SHE also has to not move to fast or be too pushy if/when a good thing comes along so as not to "spook" him. I've never heard a player say anything about getting "spooked."
norajane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 Girl, you are confusing me. How is all of the above HIS fault? SHE made ALL of these choices. Anyway. Just sayin'... Yes, she was at fault for thinking he was too good for her and for making choices because she trusted that he was mr. values after knowing him for a very, very short time. And he was at fault for being mr. booty call and using her. She thought he was too good for her, and he played her and then backed off after he got the sex.
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