33chris Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 (caution - kinda long post) Hello all, I just found this site and it has helped to read other people's perspectives on separation and divorce. Here is my story, and perhaps like some, I still have a nagging ambivalence about what to do. I have been married to my wife for only about 3 years, but we have been living together for the last 12 years since college (I was 20, she was 19). We have always gotten along very well, and I believe we were both deeply in love with each other for a very long time. (and maybe still are?) About 5 years ago, we started becoming more distant and she was traveling to New York City (where her family is from) from our home in DC almost every weekend (without me). She said she was just visiting friends, or had family events, etc... but I suspected that something was very off and suspected that maybe she was having an affair. I asked her about it, and she denied anything and made me feel like a fool for asking. I am a very trusting person, and so I really did feel like a jerk for even asking her if anything was going on, and completely accepted her explanation that she just missed her family, etc... Anyways, less than a year later she wanted a separation in order to see what life was like single. It broke my heart, but she was adamant and so we broke up the summer of 2002. That summer was horrible for me -- after graduating from law school I had to fly home to Chicago to care for and live with my terminally ill grandfather who was expected to die that summer and study for the bar exam. My grandfather did die later that summer after getting progressively worse, and I asked my wife to fly out (I offered to pay for the ticket) the next day since I really needed her emotional support during that time. However, she refused bc she was going to a cousins wedding that day, but could come out that weekend instead (obviously Im still hurt by that). Anyways, I saw one girl during that summer and it was a disaster. Other than that I did not date anyone, etc... My new job was in NYC starting in the fall, so I moved and started dating my wife again. We eventually got back together later that fall, and ended up getting married a couple of years later (really for tax reasons, neither of us puts much weight in marriage as a concept). Ok, that was some possibly important background. A year or two ago the intimacy and communication between us really hit rock bottom. We rarely ever had sex, she would never initiate sex, and we rarely spoke about important issues or concerns. She would often go into silent mode and not talk to me for days. Even when I would ask her questions, she sometimes wouldnt answer!! This would drive me crazy, as she was emotionally sealing herself off from me while still asserting she was happy in the marriage and that we didnt have any problems!. I started initiating "The Talk" about once a month at least to discuss these problems in our relationship, but she was always very reluctant and avoidant and mostly refused to talk about relationship issues. I started to feel like i was a horndog for wanting sex at least once a week (or even every two weeks), while she has always had some skittishness about sex and intimacy (e.g., she never masturbated until recently, is very shy about sexual things, etc...) I suggested that we start marriage counseling, and so we did. During counseling, it came out that she had actually cheated on me with another guy way back in 2002 even though she had denied any wrongdoing at the time. Apparently they had been seeing each other for months behind my back, and that was the reason she wanted the first separation. So that sucked, and was truly hurtful. But I continued to have trust in her and our relationship. The marriage counselor actually recommended that we try another separation. She thought that we interacted like good friends, but were more like roommates than lovers. She also felt that some time apart may help each of us develop emotionally (we are both emotionally codependent with each other). My wife didnt want to do it, but nothing had changed in the intimacy/sex/communication department so I thought we should give it a shot. We were planning on moving to a new city, so we both agreed that this would be the best time to try a separation before we bought a house or had kids later down the road (btw, we dont have kids). The plan was that I would settle in in the new city, and she would stay with her brother in nyc. That was 10 months ago. I resisted us getting back together in the fall, as it didnt seem like either of us had grown at all or had really fleshed out any of our issues. I was also concerned that maybe my wife didnt really know if she could be happy with me. (this was paternalistic on my part) My wife loves to dance, and she is very proud of her caribbean heritage. Knowing this, I made several attempts to take her out to caribbean and other dance clubs, etc... before we got separated. During the separation, I asked her why she always turned down my offers to go dance. She stated that she felt embarrassed dancing with me at clubs, because she didnt think I was that good of a dancer, and also because she was scared that if she went to a club she would feel an "animalistic attraction" to men from her culture that could dance -- an attraction that she didnt feel for me. Finally, even though we are both of the same "race" -- Black, I am very light skinned and "passable" and I think she was also scared that people might think she was dancing with a white guy. Based on those comments, i wasnt sure if she knew she could be happy with me. It didnt help that the guy she cheated on me in 2002 with was also from the caribbean, had the accent she likes, etc... She said she wasnt sure if she could be happy with me, but wanted to try. Our counselor (who perhaps i put too much faith in) also recommended that we continue the separation. I wasnt seeing any other people during this time because it was just too hard for me to contemplate seeing another woman while still having hope for the marriage. However, I did start taking dancing lessons and tried to tackle some individual growth (e.g., I am kinda introverted, and so tried to expand socially, etc..). (Btw - Im actually a decent to above average dancer. I get compliments on my dancing and rythym from other women, but for some reason my dancing is nver good enough for my wife). So anyways this past Winter we took separate vacations for the first time. I was offered a nearly free trip to Jamaica by my best buddy, and went and had a good time. We had been talking about getting back together once I returned from my vacation, but once I got back I again resisted. This proved to be a big mistake. I basically asked her if we could get back together the following month instead of immediately upon my return from vacation. The reason being that I had met and danced with a girl in Jamaica and felt a vibe with her. We danced all night, she thought I was a good dancer, we had great conversation, etc... We didnt kiss, have sex or anything like that (I actually turned down any opportunities to do so, since I thought this would be betraying my wife). But anyways, having such energy for the first time with another woman made me want to not make a rash decision to get back together with my wife as soon as I returned from Jam in the event that we would only just break up again if I continued to have thoughts about this other woman. This was pretty selfish of me I think (even though I told myself I was looking out for the marriage), and it was definitely a mistake on my part. Anyways, the excitement of meeting a new person for the first time quickly wore off (in a matter of days really), and I told my wife that I agreed with her that we should get back together and give it another shot. I was really excited about us getting back together, and happy for the first time since this horrible separation started. Well, during this time she had planned her own vacation with a friend. So the idea was that after she got back from her vacation, we would get back together. Anyways, she got back and I visited her for the weekend so we could talk and finalize plans to get back together. She said she wanted some more time apart and had changed her mind, and I reluctantly agreed (I thought she was just giving a tit for tat). Anyways, the weekend I came down to visit her, she went out on the town with some girlfriends of hers and left me at home alone. I was kinda cool with that, since she said she had planned this outing for some time. Anyways, after she left I took her laptop to check my email, sports scores, etc... Her hotmail email account was accidentally left open. I KNOW I should not have looked at her emails and instead should have just closed it out, but in my brief glance I saw emails from a lot of guys. I just couldnt resist, and I regret invading her privacy. Turns out she had been emailing and calling the guy (who is now married with newborn daughters) she cheated on me with in 2002 for the past 5 years!! the emails were pretty sporadic and mostly innocent (though the guy did flirt with her in a number of emails (e.g., "are you still sexy baby?", "I still have love for you"). However, she had Promised me when we got back together after the first separation (2002) to NEVER communicate with him again. So that was pretty soul shocking. I also found out that she had sex twice with a front desk worker at her hotel during her 4 day stay in the Bahamas!. And that she had continued to email him about those encounters after she returned from the vacation, and that she had even masturbated for him on webcam after returning from the vacation!!! Apparently she had hoped to have some action during her trip, bc she wrongly thought that I was sleeping with tons of women during my Jamaica trip. that was also very disturbing me to hear. It was also screwed up in hindsight since before I found out about her indiscretions, she had showed me pictures of her with the guy she had sex with!! And told me she thought that guy liked her friend. So a little misdirection, which in hindsight I didnt appreciate. Now, Im hoping I can get over the sex thing. To her credit, we were separated and we had left the rules somewhat ambiguous as to whether we could see other people (sort of purposefully never said we could see other people, but also never said we couldnt). However, I am still upset about her having sex with this other guy and cant get it out of my head. She refuses to apologize for the Bahamas thing since we had never said we couldnt see other people, and maybe she is right. It still hurts, but I tell myself that with time I can get over it. For still keeping in contact with the guy she cheated on me ago, that has really shaken my trust in her. I dont know if I can believe her again, and its like my world has been turned upside down. The thing is, she did apologize for that but thinks I am overreacting and that I am being unreasonable in keeping her to her promise to not to communicate with this guy. she says she has no interest in seeing him sexually again, but they are friends and she is just interested in seeing how him and his familry are doing. I think this is BS. I cared about the one girl I saw during our first 2002 separation and would have liked to keep contact with her, but lived up to my similar promise to never contact her again. So here we are in the present finally (VERY sorry for such a long email). Our counselor has flaked on us, so we havent seen her in months. Im trying to figure out if I should take her back or not. Most of my friends think that we should get a divorce and just end it. That our relationship isnt very healthy, and that we both wont be happy together. However, I cant stop loving my wife!!! Even after all this, I love her more than anything else in the world. But Im really worried about whether I can trust her anymore. Im also worried if she can forgive me for the separation itself and my ambivalence, since she has expressed a lot of vile anger towards me during the last few months (that I dont care for her and dont love her bc I agreed with the counselor that we should try a separation, etc...). Anyways, I hate having this ambivalence. My heart has always told me to get back together with my wife, but my head says we will just be miserable with each other if we get back together. Thanks for listening, this place is cathartic!
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