Guess I'll be getting divorced.

[Calibabe2007]

We've been married for almost 7 years, but have actually been together for about 15 years. We have a 12 year old child together.

 

He has always been somewhat controlling, but not unbearable. He is an attorney. I went to law school, but I am not an attorney. He makes at least 5 times more than I make. I make a decent wage when I work (I am not currently working) - over $50,000 a year. To him, the money I make is "piddly".

 

Most of our arguments are over money. He is 17 years older than me. Over the years we have had numerous arguments about things primarily money related.

 

I have my own bank account and my own credit cards. I also own a rental home. He has his own accounts and credit cards, but together we do own several rental properties and a primary residence. Each of us has a car (actually, I have two cars). For whatever reason, he has always felt compelled to keep tabs on my money and how I spend it. He is forever getting into my business. He does this to other people too. For instance, he has alienated his sister, who is a doctor and has no children. He inquired about what she was going to do with her money when she died. Because she has no children, he told her that her money should go to our son, since he is the only "heir". Of course, she told him that her money and what she does with it is her business. She no longer speaks to him.

 

For quite some time I have become increasingly unhappy in our relationship. I have tried to talk to him, but nothing really ever gets resolved, so I just live with the status quo and go on about my business. of course, all of this affects me in the form of stress, which in turn doesn't make me a very happy or loving person. I do not feel like being intimate with him because there are so many unresolved issues that prevent me from having the feelings for him that I had at the beginning of our relationship. I have tried to ignore my feelings and just "get over it". I am now to the point where I cannot deny that I am unhappy.

 

We moved out of state, looking for a "new adventure". I admit, moving out of state was my idea. I was bored where I was and wanted something new and exciting. Something different. We have since found out, after only nine months of living out of state that we hate it here. So we are going to be moving back to our home state.

 

I was here in this new state by myself (with our son) for the first 7 months. During that time, I primarily spent my time (as I do now) working out at the gym every day and practicing my sport. I am involved in a competitve athletic sport. While I was here by myself and bored, I met a nice man who also happened to be new in town from another state. We had a brief relationship. I had never done anything like that before. Once my husband moved here, my "friend" went back to his home state. We have had absolutely no contact with one another and I have done my very best to forget about it, as if it never happened.

 

I was already aware of how unhappy I was, and to be honest, the brief relationship made it even more apparent that I was unhappy and looking for something different. Basically, I have just chalked this up as a learning experience, so please don't bash me and call me a tramp because I did this. Yes, I know it was wrong. No, I have not told my husband about it. This is something I am going to keep to myself.

 

Because we are not happy in our new state, and it was not his idea to move here, I am blamed for it. We have lost money because we are selling our new home but can't get out of it what we have into it.

 

My husband is also very against investing in real estate. I convinced him to invest in some properties with me. Now that the real estate market is dead in the states where our properties are, we can't sell them and the rents do not cover the mortgages. We can't raise the rents because if we do, we will have empty properties and REALLY have a negative cash flow.

 

Okay, fast forward to today. My husband and I went out for lunch and to run some errands. Maybe go for a drive or do something to get out of the house. He was driving. I sat in my seat just minding my own business. There didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary going on. We had not been arguing or anything. It was just a normal day like any other. All of a sudden he asks about my classic car. Have I sold it yet? When am I going to sell it? Did I intend to sell it?

 

Here's the deal with the classic car. I bought this car with my own money. Now that we are living in another state and losing money, he has insisted that I sell my car and give him the money - after all, I am the one who made us move here.

 

Then, he talked about my attitude and my not being a loving wife. I really wasn't prepared to get into all of this with him today. He kind of laid into me with all sorts of things. He began yelling at me. I told him that I really didn't want to sell my classic car. I also told him that I was unhappy about the fact that I have been waiting for two years to get another car, which he promised I would get (the car comes out in 2008), but now since I made us move here and we're losing money, I can't have it. (This is part of my punishment).

 

He flipped out and called me selfish. Then he brought up my dental work. Okay, here's the deal with my dental work: We have new medical and dental insurance in this new state. I went to the dentist and had some work done. I have very nice teeth that I have always taken care of. However, there was a rough spot on one of my front teeth. I wanted to get it fixed. I thought the dentist would perhaps put a little bonding material on it to smooth it out. No big deal. Well, that's not what happened. The dentist drilled my front tooth down and gave me a temporary crown. Then my permanent crown came in and it did not fit, so I am wearing it until another permanent crown is made. In the meantime, of course I am very unhappy about this because I feel that this was an unnecessary procedure when my teeth were just fine before. Our new dental insurance has denied my claim because apparently there is a waiting period for having any major dental work done. First of all, I never intended to have any major dental work done. So, now we have to pay for the work, which is about $3000. My husband accused me of being vain and wanting to spend money. He yelled at me "who in their right mind has a rough spot on their tooth fixed! You are so vain and materialistic!" "Everything you do is all about spending money!" We argued about this and he said he is not going to pay for the work. I said "fine, I'll pay for it."

 

So basically we argued about cars, money, my tooth, my vanity, and my "piddly" salary. Of course, I told him that if my salary is so piddly, why even bother me for money??? I admit, I was kind of sarcastic because I felt that he was doing everything in his power to make me feel inferior to him and to belittle me. I am past the point of crying about this stuff. I react the way I do as a coping mechanism. He told me that he just wants a divorce because he needs a loving wife who will be attentive to him and his needs. I guess that's fine with me. I still love him, but I'm not in love with him. While he was ranting about how awful I am, I told him that perhaps he may want to talk to somebody about all of this. He yelled at me that NO WAY was he going to talk to somebody. HE doesn't need to talk to anybody! So I guess marriage counseling is out of the question. I know I am not a perfect individual. But he seems to think that HE is!!! I thought that perhaps if we went to talk to someone, they could see both sides and tell him that he is overbearing or whatever and maybe tell me that I'm a b!tch or something, I don't know.

 

He went on and on about what a horrible person I am and about how everything wrong in our relationship or our lives is my fault. I agreed with him - "Yes, you're right. I am all bad and you are 100% good. There is nothing wrong with you, it's all me." Needless to say, we ate our lunch in silence and he immediately took me back home and dropped me off. He left to play golf and said he'd be back later tonight.

 

I guess I just needed to vent. I am really over all this strife and arguing. It would be nice to live by myself (with our son) and not have to fight about money. I am not really sure how I should feel. On the one hand I am kind of sad and want our marriage to work, since we have a son whom we both love very much. I really don't want to put our son through a divorce situation. If it were just us without any kids, fine. No problem, you want a divorce - let's see who can file the papers the fastest! But we have another person to think about here.

 

On the other hand, I kind of look forward to living without him and doing things I like to do and spending my money (or not spending it) any way I want.

 

Right now, I just feel indifferent. I don't really feel like crying or anything. I'm not really sure how I feel. How am I supposed to feel? Maybe there's something wrong with me.

 

I guess, if anyone has any advice or words of wisdom for me, bring it on!

 

Thanks for reading.

[Teddy and Jane]

I'm really sorry what you're going through. I have to say from your post, none of this is your fault. Don't let him make you feel badly about yourself. He is abusing you emotionally. I know this is tough, but I do think you should get the divorce you crave. i think it is necessary for your happiness at this point. Your son will be fine! With what you described, it sounds like he is having to live with parents with a lot of tension going on in the house. Get out now, get yourself a man more close to your age.

[sumdude]

Wow, it's sad to hear about relationbships where 'things' become more important than people.... Was he always like this or did it develop over time? From the sound of it seems like neither of you wants to be married anymore. Unless you're both commited to improving the relationship it may be dead in the water. With all the properties and money involved expect a lot of lawyering and possible ugliness... sorry.

Best of luck to you, remember that all things, including money, are replaceable. Your emotional and physical health, self esteem and self respect are not. Niether are the important people in your life.

[Calibabe2007]

Thanks. I know about the lawyering, unfortunately. This is a second marriage for both of us, and as I said in my original post, he is a lawyer and I have a law school education. I don't feel up to another long, drawn out legal battle this time around. Since he's so fanatical about his money and his stuff, I am just going to let him have it. I mean, I would like to have a little something so that I can at least buy a small condo in a safe area. but I don't want spousal support - hell, I don't even want half the community property! He always accuses me of "bankrupting" him. I certainly don't want to see him go bankrupt!!! LOL

 

I'm pretty damn bored right now. He came home from golf at about 8pm, so I have been on this computer since then. I didn't want to go out and watch TV with him. He's in bed now, but I'm going to wait a while before I get in bed.

 

Do people like this usually think about things before taking such a drastic step? I mean, I am willing, and in fact would like to go to marriage counseling. For him it is completely out of the question. Do you think he's going to snap out of it and agree that a 15 year relationship might be worth going to a couple of marriage counseling sessions?

[jerbear]

Before you give up on communal property, rethink the stance. 17 years your senior, and active in the legal profession. Yes it can be a prolonged legal battle. That is what some legal people do, they legally stall.

 

I've seen women who don't want a battle and because their husband was controlling. Sometimes the best way for that person is for them to "lose" control.

 

I would suggest you rethink the legal battle because he is controlling and you might be "bankrupting" him.

[silentcharon]

You married a Narcissist. He's a text book Narcissist.

 

There's nothing you can do. It is very difficult for narcissists to change- they almost never do. Divorce him and get on with your life- any way you want to, it's YOUR life!

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As for your son, as long you two don't put him in the middle of the divorce, he'll be okay. Be very loving with him and be there for him when he needs you. I only hope that your H will be the same, but he may stoop very low to the level where he'd bad mouth you to your son, bringing him into the middle. If he's a text book Narcissist, I guarantee you that he will somehow get your son to hate you- because he can't stand losing control in the divorce. He might actually want the divorce, but he will use it to his benefit in any way possible to come out of it as the 'top dog.'

 

He will go after each penny there is, he will go after your son, he will do everything he can to achieve that. Are you prepared for a fight?

 

Have you considered IC? It may help you in the process of the divorce if he goes that far, should you decide to divorce him.

 

I wish you all the happiness in life, you deserve so much more!

[Calibabe2007]

Well, here's a wonderful update! I went to the grocery store and went to pay for the groceries and had the card declined - twice! Apparently he canceled the cards we had together so I can't put anything on them. I ended up paying for the family groceries with one of my own cards. He's out golfing now, but I'll see what he has to say. Hopefully he will reimburse me, and if not I may just have to start charging for my services, i.e; laundry, cleaning the house, running errands, etc.