No No Don't Give In, It's Irrational

[oppath]

I suffer from depression. I have for ages it seems despite therapy and medications. It sucks. I'm not crazy, I was abused as a kid, and I'm very self deprecating when things aren't going well for me. Old habits of negative thinking come back to life.

 

When my ex dumped me almost 4 months ago now, I felt disrespected the way it went down. I was depressed before this and I started to tank, which is natural actually. In response to me telling her it was too soon to be friends, she said she understood and to let her know if I wanted to be friends with benefits. This was 1.5 weeks after the breakup. I had never felt so insulted; I felt worthless and used. I told her off pretty crassly, and her response was I was just joking. This set me off any worse. I reacted pretty strongly calling her selfish, that was probably the harshest thing I actually said, and I went in to how I felt she gave me BS reasons for the breakup and how it went down was bs and how she gave me false hope and was cruel to ask to be FWB. My response was long.

 

I had never felt so low in my life. I felt absolutely used and disrespected.

 

2 weeks later I learned that her ex of 5 years -- and ex she never told about me -- proposed to her 2 weeks before she dumped me. I was drunk, emailed some mean things to her, and threatened to tell her ex about me. I apologized 2-3 times and never got a response.

 

I regret reacting at all. I had a right to SEVERE anger. I don't feel bad about how I reacted to the friends with benefits request.

 

Because I am depressed, I feel enormous self guilt all these months later about how I acted, as if I need her forgiveness because I crossed the line and burned bridges. I've beaten myself up for months feeling I verbally abused her because I was abused as a kid, etc. I've felt shame. We had mutual friends and I don't feel I can ever be around them again and this hurts me. The most difficult part of the breakup was we could have been friends, she had just exited a long term relationship, and I feel like I've lost out on an extended social circle that I finally discovered. I blame myself for not being able to be a part of it anymore.

 

I HAVE THE URGE TO LOOK UP HER NUMBER AND CONTACT HER!! Tell me not to! Any emails I sent her apologizing were not returned. She didn't say sorry for asking for FWB when she KNEW I was hurting.

 

1. After saying she loved me, thought I was the guy she was going to marry, all she could offer was she wasn't emotionally ready for a serious relationship, it's not you, it's me, I don't know who I am and need to find myself.
   
2. She offered FWB 1.5 weeks after the breakup when she KNEW I took it hard and told her not to contact me because I needed space to heal. She is a user.
   
3. She accepted Christmas gifts after her ex proposed to her and she already decided she was going to dump me but she was too passive to do it right away.
   
4. She didn't tell me her ex proposed! She didn't tell him about me!
   
5. She couldn't even acknowledge my pain momentarily, accept my apologies, and offer her own. An adult would have done this in my opinion.

Basically, she was very disrespectful to me and was very immature. Sure, I maybe reacted extreme and lost dignity, but I was hurt, very hurt, and I was depressed before all this happened. It's kept me trapped.

 

TELL ME NOT TO CONTACT THIS B*TCH!!!!!! It won't do any good. It will be a temporary relief of anxiety. If I return to town it will take care of itself if I can be friendly with the mutual friends we shared. There is nothing I can do to mend those things now, and I probably should place my energy elsewhere!!!!

[AriaIncognito]

Don't do it.

 

You know the "fix" is only temporary. Even if you do see her/talk to her/etc and feel good, you know the feeling is only temporary, as it wouldn't be in the way you'd want it.

 

Keep strong for yourself. You'll eventually not want to contact her...

[smwhtshy]

Oppath, geez guy, I truly feel for you. So, if I were to offer some advice, it would be for you to "rehearse" how she would respond to your contact...all the different scenarios, the words, your anger response, or even tears, whatever. Then, try and imagine which, if any of her responses would be "helpful/pleasing to you"...be completely honest with yourself..

 

Now, can you imagine a positive, beneficial (to you, not her) outcome to the contact? Probably not...in other words, the only outcome that might make you happy, would be a caring, apoligetic response. And if she was in a place to do that, then SHE would be contacting YOU...not the other way around.

 

Be strong, try and think back to a time when you were your happiest (must be pre-b*tch, no cheating), even with the depresssion, and focus on the positives of what was going on with you and in your life at that time. Maybe a great family dinner, or a party with a few friends, or even a time when you were alone and felt some contentment. Focus on that if you can when you get the urge to contact..

 

Hang in there buddy, I know its very tough, but you will feel better when this urgency passes, and you didn't do it.

[oppath]

thanks. I know if I don't hear EXACTLY what I want to hear, I won't feel much better. And she did essentially cheat on my -- she turned down the proposal and didn't go back to him or have sex with him (so I'm told) -- but what she did was STILL cheating. It was emotional infidelity.

 

I was happy before all this, before her, but only briefly. Really, it is the depression that is trapping me here. Depression makes me feel worthless, like I am a bad person, that no one would want me. I know all those thoughts are cognitive distortions and aren't true, but the problem with depression is those thoughts are automatic, like a tape playing in my brain. Yes, if she would say "I feel bad about the way things went down. I shouldn't have asked to be friends with benefits when you were hurt. It was selfish of me. You deserve better than that. And I should have told you about my ex. It was wrong of me not to. I am sorry for any pain I caused you. You are a wonderful person and you will find love and happiness" I would feel better, but only temporarily.

 

Thankfully the benefits at my new job kicked in so I can go get my medications changed next week. I definitely need a change, and I can resume therapy now too.

 

In the meantime, I am dating, and no one notices my depression when I am being social. It is hidden. I am making new friends. I am exploring new things and places. I have a new job that if I can get this depression fixed, will be great. Everything is going well for me except I feel like **** about myself.

 

I need to remember, I owe her no apologies. I owe her nothing. She owes me nothing too, but she did the damage, not me. She was callous and uncaring, not me. I may have been a dick in my response but sometimes you need to be a dick, and I was provoked! Depression or not, there is no way to respond rational to what happened to me in the moment, most people would have reacted the same way, and some worse.

[loveinlife]

i understand oppah, exes suck! We gotta take care of ourselves first to heal. Hope you are having a good day! =)

[AriaIncognito]

I think many of us can relate to your depression here, oppath. I for one can. I'm not on medication, but I definitely become depressed when things of this nature happen. Never feel quite happy with my life, even though from the outside looking in, most people would say I have a pretty good life. We depressed tend to focus on that which we are NOT, rather than that which we ARE. We focus on what we HAVE NOT, rather than all the blessings we do HAVE.

 

It's a vicious cycle, one of which I'm quite familiar. I look at myself and think "well, I should be happy. I have X and Y and yadda yadda" but then there's that tape that plays. The "you'll never find anyone that you'll feel that way about" or the "you'll never find someone who will deal with you" or the "you're too fat to be attractive (i'm not that fat) or the "you're too ugly to be loved" (i'm not all that ugly according to others). Etc etc. Those tapes that play are what kill our spirit. Basically we need to figure out a way to erase those tapes, and play back things that are good for us.

 

Chin up, I know what you're going through.

[oppath]

Another difficulty for me is some irrational behavior caused by the depression and pain of the break up. Such as after I expressed anger about her ex and she didn't acknowledge my apologies, I let two of her friends know what happened, how I reacted, and asked them to make sure she knew I retracted my words and threat. To them, I'm sure this appeared psycho and juvenile. A month later I went to a social event I was invited to and lots of her friends were there; I felt some hostility at first, but things were good at the end, or appeared so. I emailed some of the people (a short list) and thanked them for being friendly, saying I hoped we could all continue that way.

 

Depression caused this reaction. It wasn't met kindly. I was "involving" people who had no business being involved. I was not in control. I wasn't in control of hurting anyone, I just wasn't rational. THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE. And now, the depression just gives me INTENSE GUILT and SHAME. I am embarrassed. When I go back to town, I don't feel I can do any of the social activities I used to do. Maybe this is for the best, but in the eyes of many people, I went psycho and insane. With the full story, this isn't the case, but they don't know the full story. I don't need those people to be my friend, but it would be nice if I could play in my old sports league and occasionally go to the bar I'd always go to.

 

Right now, feeling the depths of depression, this terrifies me. The answer is not to worry about it now, worry about it then, and recognize there is nothing wrong with NOT playing in that sports league, and doing something different with different people. Nothing is wrong with that. I just can't let go of my embarrassment.

 

On the other hand, I know what I'd say to someone who went through what I went through...that no-one should have to go through that **** regardless of depression. I reacted as a person who was heartbroken and later cheated on would react.

[loveinlife]

Oppah,

 

I know what you mean. There is no point or thoughts of regretting something if it has already has happened. Like i regret meeting my ex. I do! But i guess things happen for a reason and i can't do anything about it anymore. Learning from our mistakes will improve us next time. The thoughts on your regrets will amplify your mistakes and will continue your thoughts of depression. We can't change the past, look forward and proceed into the direction that is most benificial to you. We are humans, we make mistakes.

 

Atleast you know it wasn't the right thing you are suppose to do. A lot of people make mistakes and never learn from them. But you did and I am happy for you! =)

[81West]

I can really relate to that feeling of being stuck in the emotions x months later. It makes me feel incompetent. Like you, I have a deep and justified sense of betrayal over the way things ended in my relationship.

 

I've asked myself a million times a million ways how he could do this to me. Not leave the relationship - everybody has a 110% right to be out of any relationship they want to be at any time - but how could he do it to me *this* way? The lack of respect and regard for my feelings, the seeming lack of respect and regard for the solid friendship we had...it goes on and on. It's tortured me, and I simply can't think about it without weeping. Last week something happened that made me cry so hard for two solid days that the skin under my nose peeled off.

 

Intellectually you know that you didn't deserve her disrespect, but it's very hard not to feel diminished for a while. I think that's pretty human when someone we love and respect and above all trust does something so hurtful. But you know what? It's exactly as you said- it people being passive. It's people looking out for number one, avoiding discomfort or a situation they perceive as potentially difficult, acting to fulfill their own needs without much thought. That it's at someone else's expense may not even hit the radar, so it's so important to really understand and believe this has nothing to do with you.

 

Making ourselves the number one priority is so important when we're trying to heal. We can take a lesson from those that hurt us in that respect. Do what *you* need right now- do what pleases *you*. If *you* want to play in the old sports league play in it. If you want to avoid the feelings you think might come up then play somewhere else. This time needs to be all about you and recovering your equilibrium.

 

Don't be hard on yourself over your reaction with her and her friends either. Beyond learning what you don't want to do next time, try to recognize that your embarassment is just a reflection of your self respect and your high standards for your own conduct. Both of those are admirable things.

[thatmatt]

Oppath, I remember us being in similar situations. I'm assuming the job you're talking about is the one out of state? How long have you been there. I'm asking, because I know for my situation, there's only so much I'll completely be okay until I go out of state for college next year. It's kind of like my light at the end of the tunnel at this point. Re-read what I quoted:

In the meantime, I am dating, and no one notices my depression when I am being social. It is hidden. I am making new friends. I am exploring new things and places. I have a new job that if I can get this depression fixed, will be great. Everything is going well for me except I feel like **** about myself.

 

For me, when I get it ruts obsession of my ex or the relationship (and after 5 months, I still do, wish I didn't, but that's life), I think about next fall, when I'll get out of here and start my life over, and if even for a second, it gives me a wave of energy and a positive vibe.

 

Except for that last line, look at all the positives in those first few sentences. That's a **** load of good things happening or beginning to happen my man, you're building a new life, a new social circle, everything. Look at where you were 2, 3, 4 months ago, and where you are today, how far you've come, and everything that's in store for you. When you start to get these feelings, remind yourself not of the mistakes you made, but what you learned from the experience. That automatically turns something negative into something that enables you to grow. Then replacing that thought with something in the near future. a meeting with friends, a good day at work, maybe even a smile from a cute girl or hearing your favorite song on the radio. These are all techniques I have used to put the past behind me, and while I still have a ways to go, these have been extremely helpful. I hope this helps!

[Trialbyfire]

Stay away from this girl. She wasn't ready and did you damage. It's not as if you cheated on her, lied constantly to her and all around treated her like crap. She treated you badly. You owe her nothing.

 

Stay strong. You know you can do it!!

[oppath]

Thanks everyone. It need to make it clear I was depressed BEFORE the breakup. I do owe her nothing. I owe no apologies or no explanations for my behaviors. She did the damage. She was not ready -- yet led me on and got my heart involved -- when in reality she was nowhere near able to have a mature, adult relationship. Someone like that does not belong in my life in ANY capacity. Even if this means me giving up social activities when I get back, I'll replace those activities with something ELSE I enjoy doing, and direct my energies towards NEW PEOPLE.

 

It's all about the depression though, not the breakup itself. It is so difficult to break the cycle of negative thoughts. But my benefits finally kicked in, and I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to change my meds, and I'm re-enrolling in therapy, and good things are happening to me. I made out for hours last night! Have another date tomorrow. A softball game Thursday, and social activities planned throughout the weekend. It will be a good week.