Virgo1982 Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I've been close friends with guys who treat their women like no one else exists, but he still sees OW. I 've seen women who've done the same thing. My father was a womanizer. I've only been betrayed once, but after that one time, I was devastated. it changed my whole POV. To be honest, I think I am bitter. It's kind of hard to see the same things over and over and think it must not be the norm or prevalent. My coworker is pretty cynical and he believes that people are often too good at lying to themselves. However, he just had his heart broken pretty badly. Does anyone else out there carry the baggage of past relationships into new ones? If so, what was your experience and how has it affected you? Is it really unhealthy to know there is a possibility that your partner may or may not cheat? Or should you trust them 100%? If we have this emotional baggage, how do we get rid of it and should we not date at all until we can "get rid of it?"
oppath Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Dating means going on dates to me; in my opinion it is ok to date with as much baggage as you want, though I feel people should focus on other areas of their happiness first so they are not just using dating to stoke their egos. There will always be baggage carried into new relationships, the only question is how much it weighs you down. Feelings of being used and betrayed are POWERFUL. It is normal and natural for those feelings to carry over to new relationships months and even years down the line. You can choose, however, how much it weights you down and whether it makes you bitter towards people in general. Am I still bitter about my ex? Yes. I am not ready for a relationship. Am I bitter towards all women? No. I know there are trustworthy women out there who will treat me with the assertiveness, respect, and dignity I deserve. Never trust blindly. Trust with your eyes open. If your gut tells you something is up, something is up. If you express your expectations to someone, assign repercussions to those expectations. This isn't quite the same thing as an ultimatum, it is letting your partner know what is and is not acceptable to you. Follow through on what is and is not acceptable to you.
Trialbyfire Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 There's no doubt that if you're cheated on, it traumatizes your ability to trust in someone else. How far it affects your future relationships, is up to you. I've been lightly dating and find that regardless of the most recent experience, it doesn't affect how I interact with the guys that I've been dating. The anger and distrust are focused solely on the one individual. While I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon, I'm optimistic that I can learn to trust again, just not so blindly. Eyes wide, wide open. Realistically and practically speaking, unless you're prepared to be someone's keeper for the rest of your life within a string of dysfunctional relationships, there's no choice but to trust again.
2ndIINone Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 If we have this emotional baggage, how do we get rid of it and should we not date at all until we can "get rid of it?" That's the first step.... admitting that you might have a problem. And it is common. I know women... many... that have been through some lousy relationships, abuse, cheating, affairs, lying..etc... of course these women carry those haunting feelings onto the next relationship. Many times the women with the issues/baggage ends up sabotaging the whole damn relationship because she doesn't know any better or trust the guy she's with. Some times with some really nice, honest guys that would never hurt them. Ask yourself seriously... do you find yourself sabotaging and jumping into new relationships one after another? Choosing to hurt, rather then BE hurt? Cause' I've seen crap like this all too often. Sad. It goes both ways as well.... not just women, but alot of men have been emotionally abused by their SO's... leave that relationship and carry the baggage into the next relationship.... Again, admitting to yourself the baggage that you may have is the first step in improving yourself.
Author Virgo1982 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Dating means going on dates to me; in my opinion it is ok to date with as much baggage as you want, though I feel people should focus on other areas of their happiness first so they are not just using dating to stoke their egos. There will always be baggage carried into new relationships, the only question is how much it weighs you down. Feelings of being used and betrayed are POWERFUL. It is normal and natural for those feelings to carry over to new relationships months and even years down the line. You can choose, however, how much it weights you down and whether it makes you bitter towards people in general. Am I still bitter about my ex? Yes. I am not ready for a relationship. Am I bitter towards all women? No. I know there are trustworthy women out there who will treat me with the assertiveness, respect, and dignity I deserve. Never trust blindly. Trust with your eyes open. If your gut tells you something is up, something is up. If you express your expectations to someone, assign repercussions to those expectations. This isn't quite the same thing as an ultimatum, it is letting your partner know what is and is not acceptable to you. Follow through on what is and is not acceptable to you. You're right. It's just hard for me to believe what I haven't seen,though. I guess it's like one comedian says, we are too picky. It seems that when it feels "right" that person is unavailable or something else is wrong. Looking for a spark is probably my problem. Someone who gives me that spark is probably going to do a number on me. Anyway, I want to just stop and focus on getting my head together, but it's probably just an excuse for not taking a chance again.
oppath Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Nothing is wrong with taking a break with dating and getting your head together. It can be healthy to make yourself really busy in other areas of your life so you honestly don't have time. This is different than saying men are scum and you don't want to date for 1 year. It is very different. I am still hurt because I was lied to and in the end, I felt used (this is what happens when you are dumped but the dumper asks if you still want to be f*ck buddies). I know most women would be outraged at that suggestion. I know I can trust again because I know I could tell my story to 85% of women and they would entirely sympathize with me. I know if I am in a situation that reminds me of what happened with my ex, I can bring it up and say "this is what happened to me before, this is why I feel uncomfortable, you have to meet me halfway on this." There will be MANY women who not only meet me halfway, but meet me further. I am not ready to open myself up like that yet. But I am ready to date. I am ready to prove there are other women out there I can engage with. It will be several more months before I am ready for a relationship for many reasons NOT related to the ex, this kind of saddens me. I am dating, but I am also taking time for myself to heal and better other areas. I will trust in the future, but I've learned from my negative experience. I won't get involved with someone fresh out of a long term relationship. I won't tolerate her not having cut ties with her ex, or at least cut them enough so he knows she is dating someone! He doesn't need details if they are in contact, but he needs to know she has a boyfriend. **** his feelings. I'm sorry for all the people in the coping sections who ask "how could she/he move on so soon and rub it in my face," but if you have moved on, and you remain in contact with the ex, the ex has to know you have moved on! It's the only thing fair to the new person. I learned tremendously from my experience and I will have my EYES OPEN and I will ACT when I don't feel my expectations are met by leaving the relationship.
Author Virgo1982 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Ask yourself seriously... do you find yourself sabotaging and jumping into new relationships one after another? Choosing to hurt, rather then BE hurt? Cause' I've seen crap like this all too often. Sad. Again, admitting to yourself the baggage that you may have is the first step in improving yourself. Yes, I do, which is how I ended up with MM. He is the same way, but mostly because of what he's done to other people. I have never cheated on any of my past boyfriends, but I tend to break up with guys before they break up with me, for something that could've probably been worked out. Because I've had contact with almost all of them after the break-ups, I have been able to determine, where I was right, and where I was wrong. Fortunately, I can say there is only one person I regret breaking it off with, because he was a rebound relationship, but he was a good guy and waited for me (sex) for a year because I had no business in another relationship. He was very supportive and loving, didn't rush things. He was a little jealous, but only because he knew about my recent break-up. The rest of them were only worth the lessons they taught. But before MM, I had made a decision to relax and open my heart a little. Stop being so logical. That's when he came along. I'm like, this is too good to be true. (woman's intuition) At the time I was working a full-time and part-time job and taking a couple of college courses. I didn't have much time to travel or anything else, but when the possibility finally crossed my mind, and I grilled him, he fessed up. Now, I'm here. I find it hard to believe that after I made up my mind to change, something like this happened. Oh well, that's life. Anyway, he is religious-depending on which BIBLE verse you mention-and I was telling him I didn't want to be with him anymore because there are things I want for myself that he can't provide. He says, "You think there's another man for you?" I said, "Knowing how GOD feels about adultery, I don't think he would make the only man for me one who intends on being married for the rest of his life." He kindly shut his face. Anyway, I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I guess simple dating should be harmless. I think I need to relax and have fun. Instead of thinking about the future so much. That's what tends to be a factor in me not pursuing relationships with guys I'm dating. I'll take something small and blow it out of proportion. Sorry for the novel...
Author Virgo1982 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 I will trust in the future, but I've learned from my negative experience. I won't get involved with someone fresh out of a long term relationship. I won't tolerate her not having cut ties with her ex, or at least cut them enough so he knows she is dating someone! He doesn't need details if they are in contact, but he needs to know she has a boyfriend. **** his feelings. I'm sorry for all the people in the coping sections who ask "how could she/he move on so soon and rub it in my face," but if you have moved on, and you remain in contact with the ex, the ex has to know you have moved on! It's the only thing fair to the new person. I learned tremendously from my experience and I will have my EYES OPEN and I will ACT when I don't feel my expectations are met by leaving the relationship. Good point. I was reading a thread relating to this topic earlier. There shoudl be no new person. This guy on the other thread had asked her to engage in NC and she had a new BF, but continued to contact him. Rebound relationships are the worst. Especially for guys because they like the chase and the girl appears to be aloof because she still has feelings for the other guy. In the end, it will only be messy. You sound like a great guy, with a good head on your shoulders. You will have problems finding a mate who shares your good qualities, but you will find them. I saw a signature that said something about meeting someone who will let you know why all the others didn't work out. I'd like to believe that is true:D
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