Frances Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Even when it is obvious that the marriage is in trouble most men still refuse to get help. From what I have read women seem to notice there is a problem in the marriage long before a man does. I knew there was a problem in our marriage long before I found out about his EA. If we had gone for counselling he would have recognized that he was having an affair (He still does not admit he had one) and our marriage may have recovered without the dreadfull pain I am going through now.
Woggle Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Because many men feel that the counselor will just blame everything on them and attack them. Also most men hate these relationship talks and MC is seen as an extension of that.
JackJack Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Even when it is obvious that the marriage is in trouble most men still refuse to get help. My guess is, a good part of it is, pride. Pride is not usually a good thing, because it stops people from learning, growing, and possibly saving a marriage. Women usually reconize the signs things are not going well, probably due to the fact she is more intuned with what may or may not be going on. There are plenty of people, men and women who DO reconize when things are not going well, but choose not to do anthing about it, thinking that things will fix themselves, but that usually will not work. MC is about getting your focus and feelings back on track in your marriage, and some people are just not willing to go that far and dig that deep to try to reconnect or find what was once lost. And its sad.
TheMeatloafJuggler Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 If a man has seen a divorce lawyer at any point, he will know that suggesting marriage counseling is tipping his hand. The person who files for divorce first tends to have certain advantages. Given that men in general are at a systematic disadvantage for divorce to start, MC only delays the inevitable. The way I see MC is this - What's the point? If you don't do whatever your wife wants to make her happy, no matter how unreasonable, she can divorce you, take your house, your kids and most of your money. How can you compromise or find a middle ground when the balance of power in the relationship is so unequal?
JackJack Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 MC only delays the inevitable. The way I see MC is this - What's the point? If you don't do whatever your wife wants to make her happy, no matter how unreasonable, she can divorce you, take your house, your kids and most of your money. How can you compromise or find a middle ground when the balance of power in the relationship is so unequal? __________________ Pretty negative view, but I'm sure you're aware of that. If you have a bad or negative attitude about marriage anyway, one should not get married. If it develops after marriage, and the one with the negative attitude is not willing to at least try, then yes it is doomed. You have chosen for it fail because you have already set yourself up for it to do so. You sound a bit like another member here.
Topper Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 A great many men do feel that MC is just another tool used by their wife to put the blame on them. For the most part they are wrong. MC can benefit both. Often the woman is shocked and feels the MC is picking on her when they point out her faults. She is often reluctant to look at her responsibilities in the failing marriage. Many women seem to pass off their own unhappiness onto the the men in their lives. He most be to blame for their problems. I see a great many woman do this. The Original poster says she found out a bout his affair , yet he won't admit to it? Whats her proof? Maybe he isn't lying?
Mr. Lucky Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 A great many men do feel that MC is just another tool used by their wife to put the blame on them. For the most part they are wrong. MC can benefit both. Very true. To me, the real value of MC (which, by the way, didn't save our marriage) was what I learned about myself. A good counselor can really help you put things in perspective - a valuable tool during chaotic times like divorce and separation... Mr. Lucky
PandorasBox Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I'm all for marriage counseling. It is true, that sometimes even you and your spouse go to marriage counseling that it may not work out. But at least with MC, I would feel that I had at least tried everything I knew of to try to save the marriage. Then, if for whatever reason, it didn't work out, I think I would be happy knowing I had tried all I could. I have known a few men too, that have suggested MC to their wives, so its not always just the women who suggest it. There are some men/women who do feel it is worth a shot for a third party to listen and help them out. I think too, alot of people go into MC thinking the cousnelor will fix it. Thats mistake number one, to think that. The MC is there to help guide you, offer a ear and advice. The real work has to come from both parties involved. If just one of both parties is NOT willing to do the work or put forth the effort, then it will fail. MC doesn't make or break a marriage, the people in it do. I do NOT look at people who enter into MC as weak either, I look at people who DO NOT enter MC or even try to put forth an effort as people who should just get out of it and not even worry with a relationship period. JMO
Author Frances Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 The Original poster says she found out about his affair , yet he won't admit to it? Whats her proof? Maybe he isn't lying? I have over 200 emails as proof. He does not accept that an emotional affair constitutes an affair. His definition of an affair is only a sexual one. He will not go to MC which we both badly need if we are to get past this affair.
PandorasBox Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 The Original poster says she found out about his affair , yet he won't admit to it? Whats her proof? Maybe he isn't lying? I have over 200 emails as proof. He does not accept that an emotional affair constitutes an affair. His definition of an affair is only a sexual one. He will not go to MC which we both badly need if we are to get past this affair. He is either in denial of the affair, and is one of these people who think affairs are only physical, or he just not wanting to own up to it period. Not owning up to it, not going to marriage cousneling, puts the marriage on hold as far as healing. When you are in a sitution such as that, then YOU are probably the one who neds to do whatever it is you feel you need to do. You can accept it, and stay in the marriage in hopes things will change or that he will come to terms with things and open up, or you can leave the situation.
Curmudgeon Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 My wife and I started MC early last month to try to sort out some issues that had arisen and were threatening our relationship. I'm a guy and I'm also the one who called and made the first appointment. Admittedly, I did feel somewhat attacked during the first meeting but then the tide seemed to turn during the second meeting and it has since become obvious that what was said was provocative but not accusatory. Next meeting is in a few days and if it does nothing else it causes us to think about things and, on our own, come to some agreement and compromise.
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