I just don't know !!

April 28, 2007

I am really not sure how and where to start or whether this is going to make sense but i need to try so here goes........

I have been in a relationship with my MM for almost 14 years!! a long time eh! anyway i have had very deep feelings for him right from the start but never showed them and i believed that he only wanted the physical side of an A so ive taken the ride on the rollercoaster jumped off a few times but always got back on, if u get my meaning

I have to say it was during one of the times where i actually 'jumped off' so to speak that i got married i'm still not actually sure why because i loved someone else, selfish?? yes but i was young and perhaps it was the security... anyway i tried and tried some more but it was a marriage doomed from the start

My relationship with MM continued on and off during my married years but each time i was the one that ended it mainly because i was racked with guilt even though my H was a complete pig i.e i had to constantly fight for affection, he was a heavy drinker a gambler often leaving us penniless, we would physically fight over silly things, ur gonna ask why i stayed i know but when ur actually there u convince yourself that it will get better and there are also children involved and yes u do try to stick at it for the children ...... i would like to say that it isnt always for the best my kids went through hell because i stuck in such a bad relationship

anyway i'll move on to may 2005 at which time i was having my 5th child i found out he had been having an A with a very close friend of mine, she had had a child in january that same year and had told me it was a one night stand but i later found out that the child was my H's, i'm not sure why but i was devastated it was then i realised that at some point i had actually loved him, but wasnt this exactly the same as what i had been doing, the emotional turmoil sent my life into a spin i can't begin to describe how i felt ...6 weeks after we sat and actually talked got alot out in the open , come clean about everything and decided we would try to work at what we had left

for 6 months everything was ok i fought back the tears the pain the hurt and told myself that i had made mistakes too.... but a leopard never changes its spots it was BANG back to the same as before so in march of last year i decided that for my sanity and my kids i would have to end it

but before i did in september of last year i started yet another affair with MM but this time it was different, he has told me he has loved me for many years but felt he wouldn't be helping if he had told me( he has always been aware of my situation) so i actually got the guts to chuck the H out in november and i am now in the last 6 weeks of my divorce and just to set the record straight my kids have never been so happy i know i can't take over the role of their dad but i try my best and to actually see them smile when they get up or come home from school it has been well worth it and yes he does have contact with them twice a week but they never want to go just goes to show how unhappy they were too

back to relationship with MM he has now stated that he wants to be with me he wants to give me the life that i deserve but he can't leave his W until september he says its financial but after reading alot of the threads here i ask myself is this just an excuse, i have never asked him to leave her it was his idea..... i don't know how he does it but i actually spend more time with him than his W does........ i actually know this woman on a personal level and even thou i hate her i feel really guilty about it..... i feel he has been open and honest about everything he has said that he still has feelings for his W but not on the same level as a H/W should and he doesn't really want to hurt her, even thou he's already doing it, i am soon to be divorced and as much as i love him i am wondering am i wasting my time??? he says september so do i ride it out till then??? he has been totally honest with me but i still wonder is he just saying this to keep me interested ??? i know this is similar to most of the threads here but i am keen to know ur opinions

please feel free to ask questions there is alot more to this but i have kept it as brief as possible

thanx for taking the time to read this thread and in sure that ur suggestions will help me as they have helped others

April 28, 2007

I am really not sure how and where to start or whether this is going to make sense but i need to try so here goes........

I have been in a relationship with my MM for almost 14 years!! a long time eh! anyway i have had very deep feelings for him right from the start but never showed them and i believed that he only wanted the physical side of an A so ive taken the ride on the rollercoaster jumped off a few times but always got back on, if u get my meaning

I have to say it was during one of the times where i actually 'jumped off' so to speak that i got married i'm still not actually sure why because i loved someone else, selfish?? yes but i was young and perhaps it was the security... anyway i tried and tried some more but it was a marriage doomed from the start

My relationship with MM continued on and off during my married years but each time i was the one that ended it mainly because i was racked with guilt even though my H was a complete pig i.e i had to constantly fight for affection, he was a heavy drinker a gambler often leaving us penniless, we would physically fight over silly things, ur gonna ask why i stayed i know but when ur actually there u convince yourself that it will get better and there are also children involved and yes u do try to stick at it for the children ...... i would like to say that it isnt always for the best my kids went through hell because i stuck in such a bad relationship

anyway i'll move on to may 2005 at which time i was having my 5th child i found out he had been having an A with a very close friend of mine, she had had a child in january that same year and had told me it was a one night stand but i later found out that the child was my H's, i'm not sure why but i was devastated it was then i realised that at some point i had actually loved him, but wasnt this exactly the same as what i had been doing, the emotional turmoil sent my life into a spin i can't begin to describe how i felt ...6 weeks after we sat and actually talked got alot out in the open , come clean about everything and decided we would try to work at what we had left

for 6 months everything was ok i fought back the tears the pain the hurt and told myself that i had made mistakes too.... but a leopard never changes its spots it was BANG back to the same as before so in march of last year i decided that for my sanity and my kids i would have to end it

but before i did in september of last year i started yet another affair with MM but this time it was different, he has told me he has loved me for many years but felt he wouldn't be helping if he had told me( he has always been aware of my situation) so i actually got the guts to chuck the H out in november and i am now in the last 6 weeks of my divorce and just to set the record straight my kids have never been so happy i know i can't take over the role of their dad but i try my best and to actually see them smile when they get up or come home from school it has been well worth it and yes he does have contact with them twice a week but they never want to go just goes to show how unhappy they were too

back to relationship with MM he has now stated that he wants to be with me he wants to give me the life that i deserve but he can't leave his W until september he says its financial but after reading alot of the threads here i ask myself is this just an excuse, i have never asked him to leave her it was his idea..... i don't know how he does it but i actually spend more time with him than his W does........ i actually know this woman on a personal level and even thou i hate her i feel really guilty about it..... i feel he has been open and honest about everything he has said that he still has feelings for his W but not on the same level as a H/W should and he doesn't really want to hurt her, even thou he's already doing it, i am soon to be divorced and as much as i love him i am wondering am i wasting my time??? he says september so do i ride it out till then??? he has been totally honest with me but i still wonder is he just saying this to keep me interested ??? i know this is similar to most of the threads here but i am keen to know ur opinions

please feel free to ask questions there is alot more to this but i have kept it as brief as possible

thanx for taking the time to read this thread and in sure that ur suggestions will help me as they have helped others

It sounds like you did the right thing for you and your kids...I don't know about your MM and what his true intentions are. The most important thing IMO is that you got out of an abusive M and are taking care of your kids. I would doubt your MM's intentions until you actually see D papers. Take care of yourself..You have made the decision to leave and say that you think your kids will be happier now..Concentrate on them and building a new life for you self and them...If your MM comes around and files for D..THEN you can start to build a R w/ him...Hope this helps. I am not the best one on this board to post about this sort of situation, but I do know what it's like to be faced with the very difficult decision of whether or not to end a M...My thoughts will be with you.

April 28, 2007

I don't know if this will help.. I knew of someone who was also in a 15 year affair..

I've spoken of 1 or 2 examples IRL that i know to be true..but i'm not sure i was believed..there are a lot of 'way out there' threads that can't be believed in here so i wasn't that phased..and there are a lot of angry betrayed spouses in here and although they haven't attacked me i get the 'message' from their replies to other threads and posts...

15 years is a LONG time and maybe once u get what u want u might find that u don't want it anymore...

Theres so much truth to the old adage 'we all want what we can't have'

The girl i speak of met a man in hmm 1985 when she was around 17..

she loved him a lot but he would never commit to her, she assumed it was because she was 'too fat' but he never stopped staying in touch with her..he was actually engaged to be married to somebody else when she met him...that marriage never transpired..

He stayed in touch with this girl.. and ended up marrying somebody else but all the while never remained out of contact with this girl like he should have.. in her quest to be 'good enough' for him she became bulimic..

I remember watching her bawl her eyes out one day over this guy and thinking 'this is just ridiculous' It wasn't the first time..

Her MM had 2 children to his W.. she also had a child in a common law marriage.. all the time however they never stopped seeing one another.

Finally in 2001..what is that 16 years later? They got it together. He had divorced by then and all her dreams had come true. He filled their home with beautiful furniture and they lived happily ever after..NOT!

She moved out within 3 months. I don't really know why. I think she found him too controlling.. or the relationship too stifling? Only she knows..

He begged and pleaded with her for many many months but she just felt absolutely nothing for him. I just thought to myself ..wow 15 years of heartache.. for nothing at all... nothing!

Said girl is fine now except shes too skinny from the years of bulimia ..

April 28, 2007

Unforgetable... September is only 4 months away. Yes, there are a lot of pain posted here on this forums, but there can be instances where the R does work out.

I would just wait out the 4 months and enjoy it as much as possible. If he doesn't 'give' you that life you wanted, then you can decide then if you will continue as is or move on.

FYI, I'm with my now SMM. There'll be ups and downs. There will be adjustments and growing pains, but there are some happy endings

Key thing: always turn your focus and attention to yourself and your family. Make *you* your #1 priority. If you do so, then you can't go wrong.

April 28, 2007

I am really not sure how and where to start or whether this is going to make sense but i need to try so here goes........

I have been in a relationship with my MM for almost 14 years!!

If you have been in this for 14 yrs maybe you should wait until September. it is only few more months. And if he changes his mind than you can move on for good knowing that he wasn't the one.

April 28, 2007

14 and 15 years?? have there ever been 'breaks' in between?

Because of my reaction to his call 4 years later..xmm has managed to make this feel like a 5 year affair and not a 1 year affair...surely this cannot drag on..and THIS is why OW should not become OW. memories are NOT easily erased

April 28, 2007

14 and 15 years?? have there ever been 'breaks' in between?

Because of my reaction to his call 4 years later..xmm has managed to make this feel like a 5 year affair and not a 1 year affair...surely this cannot drag on..and THIS is why OW should not become OW. memories are NOT easily erased

Of course memories are not easily erased. And I for one have some very wonderful memories of my time with MM. But the fact that I talked to him this week (yeah, I broke NC) does not mean our A just got extended another 4 months!

The OP stated there were breaks in the 14 years. And if this has been going on this long she might as well wait it out until September. Take the time to adjust to living alone with her kids and make a new life. If he doesn't leave his W in September, then move on without him. You should at that point be somewhat settled and more capable of handling the end of the A.

April 28, 2007

Being with a MM is like leasing a car. You make a constant investment into something you get to enjoy for a finite amount of time as long as you are investing in it but in the end you've basically wasted your time and money on something that you have to turn back over to its legal owner in the end. Years of wasted time. Years of wasted money. For what? Just to say you were able to drive a nice car around for a while? Is it really worth it? What do you get in the end besides a receipt - a reminder that it was yours for a while before you had to give it back?

It sounds like you have a "lease to own" option in mind, and you have to make it perfectly clear that you are not going to "lease" anymore. Let him know when he is divorced, and can show you the signed and notarized divorce papers and a deed to his new place then he can come get you. Otherwise, he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form. He either makes you his ONLY woman, or he can't have you at all. That is the only way to knock him off the fence. Right now he is buying time, and keeping you stuck as OW. As long as you continue to buy his excuses, he'll keep churning them out. All he has to do is sound convincing and tell you what you want to hear. That should keep you around a few more YEARS, right?

Wrong.

Time to knock him off the fence. He wants you? Then he has to come get you: when, and ONLY when he is divorced, living on his own and free to be with you. No more excuses. No more buying time.

April 28, 2007

MM he has now stated that he wants to be with me he wants to give me the life that i deserve but he can't leave his W until september he says its financial but after reading alot of the threads here i ask myself is this just an excuse,

Unless he has specifically explained these financial issues that are 'forcing' him to wait until September to file for divorce, it is just an excuse. What financial issues would make it necessary to wait 5 months? He should be able to tell you what the specific hold-up is if he knows so precisely that in September everything will be ready for him to tell his wife he wants a divorce.

i have never asked him to leave her it was his idea.....

Do you want him to get a divorce? Do you want to marry him?

i feel he has been open and honest about everything he has said that he still has feelings for his W but not on the same level as a H/W should and he doesn't really want to hurt her, even thou he's already doing it,

I'll bet his wife also thinks he's been open and honest with her about everything all these years...

Don't fall into the trap of thinking he wouldn't lie to you when you know he's been lying and deceiving his wife all along. Consider how you'd feel if you ended up with him and what he would do if his feelings for you changed and he didn't 'really want to hurt you' but ended up in an affair with someone else...by now, he's very used to having two women filling his needs...he may not like having only one.

i am soon to be divorced and as much as i love him i am wondering am i wasting my time??? he says september so do i ride it out till then??? he has been totally honest with me but i still wonder is he just saying this to keep me interested ???

Now, after 14 years, you are starting to wonder if he's wasting your time???

What possible difference could it make to you to wait another 4 or 5 months at this point?

Here's a suggestion. Take him at his word, as though you fully believe he will file for divorce in September. Start asking questions about specifically what will happen then - when will he speak to a lawyer? will he tell his wife first, or just go to a lawyer and file? what if she wants to go to marriage counseling and work on the marriage? does he expect her to contest the divorce? will he move out right away? where does he plan to live? how long does he expect it will take before you two can get married? does he have children - how does he expect to handle custody?

If he doesn't have any real answers to these questions, it's a sure bet he hasn't really considered/planned divorce.

April 28, 2007

Wow unforgetable....what a story....

I know a lady at work that has been in an A for over 20 years and it has hindered her greatly.

This may not be true in your case, although I believe some A's, speaking of OM/OW, are an escape from a reality that is just too difficult to face....it can either be conscience or unconscience.

I am not sure why I am saying these things, but maybe there is a reason....the exEA brought me to a place of self destruction that I had not experienced, self destruction has been on various levels throught my life, but this was higher and different....

I was allowing a selfish man to use me beyond all recognition, even without sex the levels were out of range....I allowed him to lie to me and others, while I maintained the lie myself....self deception is a scary thing, we walk in a cloud not understanding truth.

What affects the mind will affect the body, if your mind is out of balance there will be medical issues also...thank God I lived through this.

We don't realize it, but we are subjecting ourselves to constant embarrassment, we somehow think we are stronger by not listening to the ridicule....but we should listen and take heed. We become even more unstable in our thinking and ways justifying something that is wrong....this is very taxing on the physical body as the body perceives constant threat due to underlying emotions and acts accordingly and eventually causes many ailments.

NoIDidnt replied to another post in this forum stating (not exact words, but exact truth) those who do wrong will pay a price eventually, the just of the conversation was "revenge"...ok or not ok to seek revenge. This is so true as cause and effect, reaping and sowing, what comes around goes around. These are the natural laws that we are governed by, whether we know it or not.

These are the best years of my life, and I almost undermineded that....

April 28, 2007

thank you all so much for ur replies...........woe-is-me yes there have been breaks inbetween there was a 2yr break in between 1997 and 1999 and 2000 -2003 then 2004-last year when it started all over again.. each time i have been the one that has ended it

norajane...thx his financial situation is he need enough money to get a place of his own which at the moment i totally agree with.... my children have been through alot and i need to make sure they remain my priority at the moment, i really don't think that moving another man in would do anything for them at all and its their thoughts that count.

i would like to make sure that if and when he leaves he leaves without regret so that at least we can have some chance of a future together,

i ask myself what if i let him move in here and then 3 months down the line he goes back to his wife, could my kids take this......i can't afford to make the wrong desision my children have gone through enough

the way of i think it is..... this is all new for me i am only just begining to understand and lead a normal life... so september aint that far away and i'm going to take this time to enjoy spending time with the children and build a good relationship with them, i have also made it clear that if he doesnt leave when he says he is then i walk away and don't look back

please keep the posts coming i hope i have answered ur questions all comments are greatly appreciated thx

OOD thx its nice to think that someone whether u know them or not cares:)

April 28, 2007

thank you all so much for ur replies...........woe-is-me yes there have been breaks inbetween there was a 2yr break in between 1997 and 1999 and 2000 -2003 then 2004-last year when it started all over again.. each time i have been the one that has ended it

norajane...thx his financial situation is he need enough money to get a place of his own which at the moment i totally agree with.... my children have been through alot and i need to make sure they remain my priority at the moment, i really don't think that moving another man in would do anything for them at all and its their thoughts that count.

i would like to make sure that if and when he leaves he leaves without regret so that at least we can have some chance of a future together,

What about his wife and kids? I haven't read not one sentence about their well being.

April 28, 2007

Well i hope everything works out for you Unforgettable. It's good to hear that your children are your priority...

I just feel that mm cannot give the ow the life he says she 'deserves' because that means that his w and children will not be getting the life he feels they 'deserve'.

April 28, 2007

Of course memories are not easily erased. And I for one have some very wonderful memories of my time with MM. But the fact that I talked to him this week (yeah' date=' I broke NC) does not mean our A just got extended another 4 months! [/quote']

Technically, it does.

No contact means NO CONTACT. Not even text messages and definately no emails.

For me, MMs call after 4 years felt really 'intrusive'. It put all of me right back at square one... He could've been dead for all i knew!

It took me a long time to get over this guy. Even though it had been 3 years of NC on my behalf it had been 4 yrs of NC on his. His calling me was crazy.

So you broke NC after 4 months CGU? Is he okay with that?

April 28, 2007

this has been going on for 14 years and now you wonder if you should wait for him 4 months?????

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I just don't know !!

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