Tomtabear Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 My mm and I have been seeing each other for almost a year. I fell in love with him. He is romantic, can fix anything, and has helped me with things he didn't have to. About a month ago he lost his job. And is now trying to get it back. But since then our relationship has went downhill. At first we talked a few times a week. Then he started working on home repairs. And I am lucky to talk to him once a week. He came by on my b'day for maybe an hour and brought me a cake and lunch and a plant. It seems like I've called him alot more these days. It almost feels like I am a burden to him any more. He says he is not ignoring me just busy. Maybe I'm calling because I feel that with all this time off now he could initiate more contact if even a phone call to say hi. So he knows that I am in love with him. He told me once he loved me too. And I believed him. Later on in our relationship I started to doubt his feelings for me and his W. I told him I felt like he did love us both but only as people nothing more. He told me I might be right. That maybe he just didn't know what love was anymore. Maybe it's just passion. He has been sick here lately too. It bothers me not knowing whether he is alive or dead. It seemed like a good reason to not come see me until he started his home repairs. So I'm still in love with him. But I e-mailed him and told him I couldn't do this any more that it wasn't enough for me like I originally thought it would be and I told him to come and get his stuff. I told him I did love him and want him to be happy and that he needed to work on his marriage. This was yesterday and I still haven't heard from him. One day this week he said he might come by Thursday or Saturday but he wasn't going to promise me anything. I said okay. I really thought Thursday he would come by since he hasn't seen me in almost a week. I waited for him to show up half the day. He didn't come over and I was crushed. So who knows if he will come by today or not. God give me strength!!! Any incouraging words or advice from those that have been there?
will2power Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 you are as strong as you let yourself be strong. I have been where you have been. I know it is hard and yes, NC will help you move past this. He'll fight you on it by breaking it, but stay strong as that'll be the truest you can be to yourself. Good luck
Star Gazer Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 The first days are the hardest, but yes, you CAN go NC.... I ain't gonna lie to you, it will be tough...but it will get easier with time. NC is the only way to break free of this pseudo-relationship.
mustbcrazy Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 As a newbie to NC (currently on Day 13, but who's counting?), I can honestly say that it is a pain like no others...but, in my opinion, unless you are satisfied being the OW, it is the ONLY WAY you stand a chance of having a life...whether it be with MM or without. The first week was absolutely gut-wrenching...physically painful, crying most of the day every day...but it does get easier...I make it through by reading LS and other websites designed for OW/OM. Since you asked for words of encouragement, here are some that I printed from another site: 10 Golden Reasons for N/C: 1. He needs time to sort his head out without some woman mothering him (W or OW). Give the man space. Let him breathe and assess everything (legal stuff, financial, kids, property, social status, W--love and history, OW--love and future). 2. YOU need time to take a deep breath, get off the rollercoaster and stop spinning in circles for awhile. 3. Begin your road to recovery and healing. You need to do this alone and you need to spend this time wisely. 4. No point in pining over him. Absence makes the heart grow fonder--the less contact he has with you, the more he will miss the passion and intensity of your R. 5. This is the point where W usually gets very negative and paranoid. It is easier to work on or live in a marriage when you are in the same house/same bed. Not so easy when H is wandering through the wilderness finding himself. Her time to freak, your time to "be nice" when he does make contact. 6. Make a list of all the things that have happened to piss you off--all the empty promises, broken promises, unfulfilled nights, holidays he was away with her, conflicting emotions, etc. etc. READ IT every tinme you are tempted to make contact. 7. Live a little...get out there--see your friends, join a club, get helathy, go walking, distract yourself, keep busy. 8. If a SG comes along that you kind of like, date him! You do not have to have a passionate EMR or marry him, but get back out there and raise your self-esteem. Remember what it is like to feel sexy and attractive? Make sure that you keep a SG around for a date or two to remind you of this when you have come out of the bathroom sobbing your eyes out because you miss MM so much and can't see past the moment. 9. Do not make contact with MM! At all! For any reason! Say what you mean and mean what you say. There is no point in issuing an ultimatum if you do not mean it. It defeats the purpose and emphasizes the "boy who cried wolf syndrome." 10. Live your life for you, be happy for you, love yourself, and the rest will follow. Then it doesn't matter if MM comes back or not, you will have moved on to a place where life is worth living either way. I read these statements several times a day every day. I allow myself to grieve and I take it a day at a time. If I feel like making contact, I tell myself to wait...don't do it today...if I still feel like it tomorrow, I can call him...then tomorrow comes and I do the same thing. Maybe not the "healthiest" way, but it works for me. I am also following the 60-day rule...According to Dr. Pat Allen, "men generally need this much time to realize how they really feel about you. During this time, if children or your job are not an issue, DO NOT contact your former partner in any way. Do not write, call, e-mail, ask about, drive by their home, workplace, and hangouts or arrange to bump into them. Each time you do, you will prolong the denial phase several weeks or even months. Prolong the phase and you’ll prolong the agony." I feel that if I can stick to this, at the end of 60 days, I will be much more able to completely move on. Again, maybe not the healthiest way, but it is working for me. Your relationship, like mine, is fairly new (mine was nearly a year). Ask yourself, "Do I still want to be doing this 2 years from now, 3 years from now, 5 years from now, etc.?" Because that's how these things progress. And before you know it you have wasted valuable time making someone a priority who is only making you an option. Good luck and keep posting.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I've 'been there' - more often on the 'other side' of the coin though. This won't be easy to hear or accept, but as OW you just simply aren't up there too high on his priority list. OW, like 'luxuries' are one of those things in a MM's life that are nice to have, but aren't necessary and when the chips are down the more expendable things in his life are the first to go. As an 'extra' to his life and not a main component of it, you are one of those expendable things. Right now, he is in a crunch - men are often in 'provider' mode and when something happens to that role like a job loss it sends them into a tailspin. Honestly, he simply doesn't have the time emotionally or physically for you right now. He, his role as provider, and his ability to maintain his house and household (including his family) comes first right now. That's just how it goes. If you want to stay with this guy, you'll have to accept your position as a low priority 'optional' item and leave him be right now. If you press the issue, you will become a burden to him. If you don't want to be that low on someone's priority list, and don't like feeling like an expendable item in a guy's life then you will really want to consider cutting this guy off and moving on to someone who is free to love you, and place you much higher on his emotional priority list.
Kenzo Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 mustbcrazy- excellent post, excellent advice. I haven't posted in a while...going through much the same as the two of you. Amazing how you never know what your words will mean to others. Thank You!!
woe_is_me Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 My mm and I have been seeing each other for almost a year. I fell in love with him. He is romantic, can fix anything, and has helped me with things he didn't have to. About a month ago he lost his job. And is now trying to get it back. But since then our relationship has went downhill. At first we talked a few times a week. Then he started working on home repairs. And I am lucky to talk to him once a week. He came by on my b'day for maybe an hour and brought me a cake and lunch and a plant. It seems like I've called him alot more these days. It almost feels like I am a burden to him any more. He says he is not ignoring me just busy. Maybe I'm calling because I feel that with all this time off now he could initiate more contact if even a phone call to say hi. So he knows that I am in love with him. He told me once he loved me too. And I believed him. Later on in our relationship I started to doubt his feelings for me and his W. I told him I felt like he did love us both but only as people nothing more. He told me I might be right. That maybe he just didn't know what love was anymore. Maybe it's just passion. He has been sick here lately too. It bothers me not knowing whether he is alive or dead. It seemed like a good reason to not come see me until he started his home repairs. So I'm still in love with him. But I e-mailed him and told him I couldn't do this any more that it wasn't enough for me like I originally thought it would be and I told him to come and get his stuff. I told him I did love him and want him to be happy and that he needed to work on his marriage. This was yesterday and I still haven't heard from him. One day this week he said he might come by Thursday or Saturday but he wasn't going to promise me anything. I said okay. I really thought Thursday he would come by since he hasn't seen me in almost a week. I waited for him to show up half the day. He didn't come over and I was crushed. So who knows if he will come by today or not. God give me strength!!! Any incouraging words or advice from those that have been there? Thats freaky! my xmm bought me a cake also, 3 days before my birthday last time i ever saw him in 03.. and took me out for dinner he had the restaurant staff bring it out to me.. i was very upset though due to my mothers cat being hit by a car and i was not impressed with him at all . he told me that i should have told him that and that he wouldn't have come to see me.. i hadn't seen him in so long though i found him really hard to say no to.. I realised after not hearing from him for around a month that it was all over .. (i just read that yours could 'fix' anything) oh my god is this the same guy? lol I have to call a repair man if an appliance breaks down. I remember superMM telling me he had to go home to fix the washing machine (like i really needed to hear that:confused: ) omg he bought me plants also (petunias in pots) He hasn't lost his job though as far as i know. They're all the same these guys ..just be careful that when he's well and truly a distant memory he doesn't call you out of the blue and upset you...because im sure he is well and truly alive...
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I've 'been there' - more often on the 'other side' of the coin though. I left out a bit here - by 'other side' I meant as a cake eater rather than a betrayed person. Not sure if it makes a difference, but I realized that what I posted could come across very differently if it were posted from a 'betrayed' point of view.
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