Guest Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 He hasnt called all weekend But then again - nor has anyone else I might as well be dead
Author so gutted Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 He hasnt called Nor ahs anyone else all weekend I might as well be dead
Island Girl Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Hey! It is not technically summer yet is it? AND -- let this be the summer that you finally become important to yourself. I know it sounds like psycho babble - but you really need to make yourself your best friend. Be loyal to yourself. Be respectful of yourself. And raise your bar of expectations and boundaries. If you already know that you have a problem with relating to men on other levels than sexual - get off of the profile sites on the internet and certainly get rid of all of the "steamy stuff". Realize that men who are jerks are a dime a dozen. How well a man treats you is what sets him apart from the millions of others. Until a man demonstrates by action that he is a genuine worthwhile guy, he is just another man. You sound so desperate. Not just for a man - but for anything to do other than be alone. I realize that you may get lonely. But spending time alone with yourself shouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Don't you pamper yourself? -- Take long bubble baths with a glass of wine and a good book? Give yourself a facial and a good pedicure so you are ready for some sexy sandals. Get some magazines and practice some new make up tips - or just read all of the articles. You really have to get to a place where you value yourself. Remember you are one in a million! If you don't, even withholding sex (although a good move for you because it doesn't sound like your judgment is all that great right now) is not enough. What you say and how you say it conveys desperation and neediness. A man should be a "nice to have" - not a "have to have". Isn't there anything you can think of that you have always wanted to do? A special trip, skydiving, learning to sail, learning sculpture, -- ANYTHING? Right now you can do anything you want. When you do meet someone and become involved that isn't always the case. Other people's feelings are taken into consideration, etc. So take advantage of the time you have right now to do things you have always wanted to do. Invest in yourself. It will be the best investment you can ever make. The returns are phenomenal. When you do meet someone you like - let it grow. Let them make the move to ask you out on a date. Go to dinner and enjoy the meal. Find out about him - ask questions and get to know him. Allow him to get to know YOU without pretenses. If you want companionship and commitment do not sacrifice yourself for less. You can maintain those boundaries, can't you? And be honest about what you are looking for. Then you will not end up in this same kind of situation where you gave the illusion that a no strings physical relationship was okay with you. It very clearly is not what you want. As far as "saving face" with this guy, I'd send a quick message that you have reevaluated your wants and have decided that you are looking for more of an established relationship. You realize this is not what he is looking for so you wish him luck in his future endeavors. If he contacts you further you can then redefine the parameters of the relationship with no more sex talk. If he doesn't, you know he wasn't interested in anything more so you have lost nothing and you will have gained some much needed self respect.
Author so gutted Posted May 7, 2007 Author Posted May 7, 2007 Of course he had to get in contact. He was acting like he hadnt been silent for 2 days. Anyway his excuse was he had been unwell ( in bed for 2 days). The point is I have gone off him. After a few "normal" texts - he started the steamy ones again. Even a picture text.... I am really not into this. I find it very very demeaning and insulting even. He seems to think all i want is this physical connection, i dont want to be wined and dined ( thats out of the question). He has also mentioned in passing that he will not be getting married for 5plus years. ( this i doubt - the only way he will get regular sex is marraige to some dumb women from another continent after a VISA). The bit that really hurts is that he has by passed me completly for someone ( unknown at this stage) for a younger model from another country. He wants to use me for this while an unkown person gets him for life. I am beginning to hate him. None of this is confirmed, its all from comments he has made previously. Even knowing all this - I CANT LET GO.
Island Girl Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 He was acting like he hadnt been silent for 2 days. Anyway his excuse was he had been unwell ( in bed for 2 days). You have no commitment and are not even on the way to having an established relationship so he doesn't have any reason to maintain contact or "keep in touch". It is perfectly normal for people to go days without speaking in your situation. The point is I have gone off him. After a few "normal" texts - he started the steamy ones again. Even a picture text.... I am really not into this. I find it very very demeaning and insulting even. So --- did you SAY anything to him?! Did you tell him you felt he was insulting you? If not, WHY NOT? Do you have a problem standing up for yourself? It reads like you do. I am wondering if you have problems with conflict when it comes to men. He seems to think all i want is this physical connection, i dont want to be wined and dined ( thats out of the question). Well, why would he have a different impression? You put steamy stuff in your profile. He laid out his expectations of what he is looking for and you kept talking with him. He has made "sex talk" overtures to which you did not address or put a stop to. Silence is acceptance. You have been accepting this treatment so far, why would he change? If you want to be wined and dined -- you want to DATE and have a relationship. That is not what he wants. He has told you as much. Why are you wasting your time? Why not just tell him he isn't what you are looking for and move on to someone else? He has also mentioned in passing that he will not be getting married for 5plus years. ( this i doubt - the only way he will get regular sex is marraige to some dumb women from another continent after a VISA). The bit that really hurts is that he has by passed me completly for someone ( unknown at this stage) for a younger model from another country. Why do you CARE? He has been a sleazeball to you. He has not shown himself to be appealing to you as far as his personality and values. So who cares if he goes after every woman in the world? As long as YOU aren't wasting your time that is all you should care about. As of right now you are wasting your time and thoughts on this guy. Why are you wasting your time with this idiot when there are SO many guys out there? Change your profile to explain what you are really looking for. AT LEAST do that. That way you can weed out the ones like this who blatantly do not want to get into an involved relationship. --- There still may be the occasional posers who say they want a relationship but don't really. You can easily weed those out as well by not jumping into bed with any of them. He wants to use me for this while an unkown person gets him for life. He can't use you or take advantage of you unless you allow him to. With everything you know at this point if you continue to remain in contact with him, and not pursuing what you really want, your suffering will be your fault. You are now doing this to yourself. I am beginning to hate him. Good. He hasn't given you any reason to like or respect him at all. So why not just give him his walking papers? Tell him he's fired. None of this is confirmed, its all from comments he has made previously. Confirmed or not --- it doesn't matter. He has told you enough by his actions that he is only looking to use you physically. Even knowing all this - I CANT LET GO. Why not?!! That is what you need to get to the bottom of. If your self esteem is so low that you can't stand up for yourself you need to get into some therapy quickly. The best thing you can do to give yourself a much needed boost is tell this guy to get lost and not contact you again. I'll even word it for you if you'd like to text or e-mail it. All you have to do is type and send. No thought about what to say or anything. At least that'll keep you from letting yourself get beat up any further. Do you realize that every time you have contact with him it is destructive to you? So just stop. By any means necessary (without breaking any laws of course) put an end to it.
Author so gutted Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 Thanks. Please word that text for me. Nothing nasty - just simple clear and to make him feel even an intial twinge of self shame. I cant believe how disgusted I feel with myself - a lot of it is down to your frank words. I really have dropped to a very very dangerous stage where this is my pastime. This really has to stop. THANKS
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