Author so gutted Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 i found out some more info: His last relationship lasted 6 months and ended one month ago, he was "intimate" with her, but doesnt seem heartbroken. He didnt say why and how it finished and i didnt ask. Doesnt this show that he isnt after a 1 nighter? I asked him if he was on the rebound - he said no...(means nothing - but maybe he isnt on teh rebound coz she was a "physical only" type girl as well??) So - if all guys want sex - isnt this an avenue for us women to catch them???Isnt this a way in - an entry into their world. I have told him i dont want sex....so if we do other stuff does this mean it discredit's me as a person? Does this put me into "sl*g" category in his head??? Is it possible for him to develop a relationship with me - even if it starts on a strong physical note? And please explain why online dating sucks for men and works for women - i have only met serial liars on the net ( thats when i dont give any physical!) He is texting me all day long - I have met him and the chemistry is definetely there. I think that is rare in itself. He wants to meet again. He offered to meet every day this week. I need to steer the conversation back onto non physical....but how at this stage?
jcster Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I enjoy being with women who challenge/hold on to their morals. A woman who simply gives herself off on the first night or second night has no control over herself and are the types of people responsible for the spread of diseases. Ok, I did a double-take when I read this! What century do you live in?
roxy_1980 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I hate seeing threads such as this one. They are very sad. You know that he's just after sex. I mean for goodness sake, he messages a stranger (menaing you) that he has stamina over the internet. What else do you think he's after. You go out with him anyway. Then he texts you (not phones, texts!) a courteousy message and you hang onto it for dear life. Thinking that maybe, just maybe, he's not a complete jerk. You're lonely and that's understandable, but don't give up your dignity because of it. Get off the dating sites, forget about this guy and go out and meet people. Sign up for a class at your community college, go to the gym, geez, even the bar scene (given the right bar) is better than those dating sites. There's too many people just looking for sex on the web.
jcster Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Doesnt this show that he isnt after a 1 nighter? No. It may mean the opposite. A lot of people indulge in purely sexual relationships after breaking up with a boyfriend/girlfriend. For many people, it's part of the healing process He is texting me all day long - I have met him and the chemistry is definetely there. I think that is rare in itself. He wants to meet again. He offered to meet every day this week. I need to steer the conversation back onto non physical....but how at this stage? Chemistry isn't rare - compatiblity is rare. Of course he wants to meet again - he got to first base and he wants another try! If he's texting you everyday and offering to meet every day this week - that's a bad sign - don't mistake this for feelings for you - he just wants to hook up. Get off the dating sites, forget about this guy and go out and meet people. I really agree with this! You need to get away from the predators - you are their perfect prey.
Author so gutted Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 These last few posts may have hit home a bit harder....I am now very worried. You guys are staing the bleedin obvious and I still cannot walk away. Yes this is very very sad - i am mistaking his lust for interest in me. The problem is ( and this is a very big problem) I cannot seem to walk away with my dignity.Its almost impossible. I just think of the empty feelings i have felt the past few months, sitting at home alone, watching the world go by. The only place i go is shopping - and thats alone. My "friends" are either too skint or have families/husbands or other mates to go out with. I know this is not good justifacation for holding onto a man who is going to dump me anytime soon. I guess i am holding onto that feeling of interacting with someone ( even if it is physically) as i am very very lonely. Can anyone tell me how i can deal with this? I have tried therapy, i have also joint clubs etc but i still end up with no friends i can call on. What should i tell him. He wants to book a hotel ( no sex). I cannot give in. Please list me why i shouldnt go ( i am even excited that a man is actually going to pay rather then leave me with the bill). This is an awful awful thing to be happy about. I wouldnt consider myself cheap - i think i am also doing this because i started dating men late i life and now feel like i need to catch up or get someone whilst i have my looks. HELP.
jcster Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I really feel like you are a danger to yourself with this current attitude! It's obvious to me that you do not want to proceed with this relationship in the way it is going, yet you can't seem to step away. You could be setting yourself up to come to serious physical harm. Under NO circumstances should you go to a hotel room with this guy - despite what he might be promising. It's very very dangerous. You have no idea who he is. You sound like you are depressed. I urge you to STOP your online dating for now until you can be sure of your motivations, and until you can learn to set boundaries you are comfortable with. Please, try talking to another counselor - as soon as you can, and lose this guys number for your sake.
Lizzie60 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I cant believe what a frenzy it has put me into. I just dont learn. I get the feeling from his text yestersay "hope you had a nice evening and got home safe" no xx - he will not call.... before we met he texted every minute and replied straightaway - so for him to now claim he is busy - will not work. I didnt put any pressure on him, i didnt talk marriage/future. I thought i was calm enough. why do they put us through this? its really shattered my confidence again - and yesterday i felt so good. maybe he's just not interested in seeing you again, but didn't want to hurt you so he just sent you a 'polite' email saying thanks for the evening... that's all. Happens all the time... you have to meet tons of men before it clicks with someone... I know I'm like that... I am extremely picky.... but it's not always easy to say to the guy 'hey, I don't feel any chemistry here' especially if you feel this guy could be very clingy. Got to be careful sometimes.
roxy_1980 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 OK, first thing's first. He want to book a room and promises no sex. AND you believe him!?! There is no reason to book a room other than some sort of sexual activity. It may not be sex persay, but it's gonna be something that you'll feel like trash about afterwards. If he just wants to spend the day with you without sex, that's what public parks are for! Now, this matter of your loneliness. You absolutely have to get out of the house. You need to do anything. Go running in the park. You wouldn't believe how many people you can meet just running on a regular basis. Do you have a dog? Take it to the local dog park. While Fido runs around talk to PEOPLE, not guys in particular just people. You need to find a hobby outside the house of some sort. You'll meet people with some of the same interest as you. You must break up your isolation or you'll repeat this irrational attachment to internet jerks over and over again. Get out and re-build your social life then worry about men. As for starting late in the dating game, I did too! And yes, I do sometimes feel that maybe I missed out a little too, but don't give into some jerk just because of that. You are worth more than that and deserve better.
Mary3 Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Why in the world are you talking about SEX so much with someone you barely know ? Why ? Because thats what he wants from you. Are you out of your mind to get a hotel room with a man you don't know ? You could be getting set up to being raped. NO you can't give him some booty and then expect that he will fall in love with you afterwards. Change your profile. There are THOUSANDS of men who are BOOTY calling on the internet ! 1,000's !! ....This is just another one. You mistake lust for possible love. He wants to deposit his DNA inside you. Period. Do you feel good about yourself ? Attractive ? Does your steamy profile lure men and then you * hope * one will love you after he sleeps with you ? Trust me, not going to happen. Tell him you do not want to meet him anymore. Remove your profile. Wait a week and try a new one. Is it possible you feel you HAVE to offer sexual suggestive stuff to keep the guys interested ?? The only kind you will keep interested are the pervs and possibly FAR worse type of men who could HURT you or MORE !
trigger Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Oh god...DO NOT GO TO A HOTEL WITH HIM! Can't you see that he's sees you as a FREE PROSTITUTE??? The guy probably has an Asian fetish; I wouldn't be suprised. You aren't a piece of meat! He sees the kissing on the first date as gaining the key to your crotch. Don't do that to yourself....if you continue seeing this guy I guarantee YOU WILL FEEL EVEN MORE LONELY THAN YOU DO NOW. Much more. It is not a good idea for you to be dating at all now. You need to love yourself first! You need to enjoy your own company! Think of things you enjoy doing, go out and do them, meet people who like the same things. But most importantly you HAVE to learn to be your own best friend. First and foremost. After you can do that, the rest will come naturally: friends, dates, etc. Therapy might be a good idea. Or even meditation. PLEASE.
Author so gutted Posted May 4, 2007 Author Posted May 4, 2007 Thanks - ALL. I cant believe that people on here seem so genuine and offer thoughtful ( not judgemental) advice. Firstly - I did not think going to a hotel room with him was so bad. Yes - I must be crazy because having read your comments I have realized that I should NOT think its normal/expected to go to a hotel room with a man I have met once. I actually thought this was the fast track to the next step... NO sex - meaning "other stuff" - i did believe him on this....he said he was fine with no sex as long as he get xx and xx and xx Is it really so bad to go to a hotel? Is it ok say 2 months down the line? Anyway - I do have a problem - because I was willing - i didnt say no he did. He texted to say he couldnt make it... This may be because I got him onto the subject of more serious talk then just what he likes sexually etc. He replied for a while - but then faded off. I asked him whether he just wanted a physical relationship with someone who just obeyed him and turned up for nookie whenever he arranged it. He said he didnt want this, and he did respect me but something had come up (work wise) for him. I think i went to far with my questioning, but I think i have a right to demand something more then just physical meetings and dirty texts - ecen though i had a steamy profile. I have put him off - I would have trotted along and met him in a hotel and justified to myself that the short term enjoyment balanced out the aftermath of no calling and no relationship. I have really lost it. I have tried counselling 3 times - i find that they give therapist talk and dont really address the problem - just let you talk. I am also so ashamed of what i get up to that i could not possibly tell anyone. This is a really bad spare time activity and I have done it too many times.
lonelybird Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Contrary to the world want you to believe, sex IS NOT fast track to next step, in fact, sex in the early stage will KILL the possibility to next step. You've tried this similar things many times before and failed, how about change your strategy in a opposite direction? see what can happen? HOLD BACK SEX before you really know them.
Mary3 Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 .Because what you are looking for and what he's looking for are two different things. If he can convince you to lay on the bed with him and get his way , why settle for what HE wants ? Map out your new strategy on your profile. I don't advocate the internet anymore for meeting someone real and genuine who's got his head together and wants the same things as you do but if you must do that ( for now ) just don't have high expectations , take it slow , find out ALOT about the person and take it from there. Its easy quick dates *yes* but hardly the best way .... I realize you feel lonely .... But go into this with open eyes and you will start seeing a pattern of : "Can we chat on the messengers ? , hey send me a pic. do you have something naughtier ?, lets talk on the phone cause I'm getting excited and then the texting and the final meeting where he is all worked up and expects some great sex from you..... Change it up : When they ask for explicit pics tell them NO its only for your boyfriend . When they want to meet make sure its a DATE , refuse all * hanging out * meets because those are : I want to get you alone in your home and do things to you. After alot of practice you will recognize the panty stalkers ...
Walk Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 This type of thread bothers me. So what if the guy wants sex? I've never started dating a guy and thought "gee, I don't want to have sex with him". If I'm dating him, I'm attracted to him sexually. Otherwise, it's a friendship. This isn't about whether the guy wants to use your body for sex, or not. The problem is, you believe you have to give him what he wants because you don't feel he could possible want you for who you are inside. You devalue yourself so greatly that you assume the only value you hold is between your legs. This isn't about the guy at all. You'd be better off just telling the guy that you're insecure and have issues, and that you dont' want to complicate the relationship with sex until you feel more comfortable with who he is as a person. But if you attack him with the "You're only after sex" idea, then you might as well just call him a perverted rapist and say goodbye. That'd be like him calling you a money grubbing whore because he doesn't believe he has anything of value that you'd want except his money.
Author so gutted Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 Could it be that he doesnt want sex, he just wants other stuff??/ Or is is definete that he wants sex? I have heard men say plenty of times they prefer oral to sex. Yes i do devalue myself, because each time I have tried to get something better ( a man that values me enough to have a relationship and then marry me) the man has fled - AFTER promising marriage/a future. This has happend too many times, 2 out of 4 times the man was more insistent and focused on a future then I was. The pain of developing a relationship and getting a taste of what could have been, and then not getting it is unbearable. I dont believe that this situation could be worse. It seems I am only "girlfriend" material. What can one do - if they cannot get what they want -isnt this the next best thing - until I start losing my looks. Yes - so what if he does want sex - maybe he will want a relationship too? Isnt that what fully functioning adults do??
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Contrary to the world want you to believe, sex IS NOT fast track to next step, in fact, sex in the early stage will KILL the possibility to next step. You've tried this similar things many times before and failed, how about change your strategy in a opposite direction? see what can happen? HOLD BACK SEX before you really know them. This is only one way of thinking of this LB... There are many things that ruin a relationship don't blame sex.... I am not telling her to sleep with him right away, I have only done that once in my life and the relationship lasted 8 years... so don't even go there. OP needs to treat each guy differently, but should be carefull and go with her gut instinct on this one... she knows what not to do...
Author so gutted Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 I think this is MY fault. I put up the steamy profile, I was looking for this. When I got a reply - it wasnt obvious at first that this was all he wanted. After we spoke ( first conversation he was very helpful and poliete).Then the texts got steamy. I didnt join in until later. How is he in the wrong? I keep blaming him for being after 1 thing - but i instigated this! Now I dont want to lose him. I want to keep him and try and trap him into liking me, knowing this is a stupid plan. My gut instinct is that - its summer - im bored and I NEED a man.....i alos know this will end in my tears.
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I think this is MY fault. I put up the steamy profile, I was looking for this. When I got a reply - it wasnt obvious at first that this was all he wanted. After we spoke ( first conversation he was very helpful and poliete).Then the texts got steamy. I didnt join in until later. How is he in the wrong? I keep blaming him for being after 1 thing - but i instigated this! Now I dont want to lose him. I want to keep him and try and trap him into liking me, knowing this is a stupid plan. My gut instinct is that - its summer - im bored and I NEED a man.....i alos know this will end in my tears. ok alright... what do you need a man for make a list... let's see be honest
Author so gutted Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 i need/want a man : 1) for companionship 2) comfort 3) emotional support 4) cuddles 5) friendship
pricillia Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 i need/want a man : 1) for companionship 2) comfort 3) emotional support 4) cuddles 5) friendship what about intamacy? You can be straight with this man and tell him what you would like in a relationship... But even if he is looking for what you are looking for there is no garentee that the relationship will last if you have sex on the first date or on the 8th... Is there anyone else that you are interested in? You seem so worried about this man what else to the story do we not know?
Author so gutted Posted May 5, 2007 Author Posted May 5, 2007 yes intimacy is very important. I had it once ( with a guy who later fled) and i crave it again. I do not feel that it is appropraite to say i want a relationship - as i caught him of a chat room. This would result in diseaster. You wouldnt go into a fish and chip shop and order a sofa would you? The story is - i am lonely and feeling the bank holiday blues. I fancy him for all the wrong reasons - he has money/he isnt the normal type of guy i come across in daily life/ he seemed interested/he turns me on.... Now - he has gone cold. possibly because i freaked out yesterday when he cancelled ( even tho i cancel all the time - i literally accused him of lying - then realized he was telling the truth - i just thought he was lying because the last fiasco i had when i guy lied to me and connned me out of my money). If he doesnt text me back straightaway i freak out. I have become an obsessive maniac and the guy probably only wanted some light relief/fun.>
pricillia Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 so then you learn from this and move on... if he does call then apoligize and if he accepts it then great if not then he could care less. Try not to worry about it and be secure and confident and the right person will come around
Mary3 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 i need/want a man : 1) for companionship 2) comfort 3) emotional support 4) cuddles 5) friendship A puppy can provide this...
Mary3 Posted May 6, 2007 Posted May 6, 2007 Could it be that he doesnt want sex, he just wants other stuff??/ Or is is definete that he wants sex? I have heard men say plenty of times they prefer oral to sex. Yes i do devalue myself, because each time I have tried to get something better ( a man that values me enough to have a relationship and then marry me) the man has fled - AFTER promising marriage/a future. This has happend too many times, 2 out of 4 times the man was more insistent and focused on a future then I was. The pain of developing a relationship and getting a taste of what could have been, and then not getting it is unbearable. I dont believe that this situation could be worse. It seems I am only "girlfriend" material. What can one do - if they cannot get what they want -isnt this the next best thing - until I start losing my looks. Yes - so what if he does want sex - maybe he will want a relationship too? Isnt that what fully functioning adults do?? Thats because they *lied* to you and promised you things like possible marriage , houses , babies , ect., to get you into the BED. The SECRET to a lasting relationship is to peel away the layers of a man and find out whats inside and THEN when you feel ready and if he is worthy enough you give him and yourself the sex. It doesn't work when you give him the sex first,...then discover what hes all about and by then he's long gone. .....
Author so gutted Posted May 6, 2007 Author Posted May 6, 2007 Good points. I am really going to work on myself. I have been harbouring what I have been up to so much, I havent discussed this with ANYONE, probably because I know it is WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. I think I am ashamed of myself - maybe not enough though. He hasnt called. When he does I will just play it cool and see if he still pursues me,unfortunatly I cannot let go that easily and just make a decision to get "rid of him" - for some reason I prefer to hang around and wait for idoits to call me. Yes - these previous men misled me to get me into bed. They all made it realistic ( I have not always been this stupid - honest) the good thing is i didnt go to bed with them as I didnt appreciate that they had used the marriage line to do this. I do not see light at the end of this tunnel though. How do I break the cycle of internet dating - i dont meet men in any other way - because I have become a social recluse. Any of you Londoners know of any good events for people like me? I do want to meet a man/ i want a relationship of value.
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