so gutted Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I sure know how to pick em. I have been speaking with a man I met from a dating site. I guess my profile was slightly steamy. We have been messaging for a week or so non stop. We had arranged to meet this weekend. I suggested dinner as his profile said he was into nice dining. A day or so before the date he sent a message saying he may have to do just a few drinks. The excuse he later gave ( when pushed) was that he had family over. I think his change in policy was due to the fact that i didnt respond in an equally enthusatic tone re his sexual advances. ( " I have stamina/energy etc"). My profile only said that i thought that intimacy was very important. Now he thinks if he is going to pay for dinner - he should get an instant sh*g in response. Apart from that he has already said he doesnt want to get married for another 5 years and wants no strings dating. Am i really this desperate for a weekend activity? this is what being alone over summer does for u.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 he has already said he doesnt want to get married for another 5 years and wants no strings dating. ...which roughly translates to "I want sex with no hassle."
My Fair Katie Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 My advice would be not to use adult friend finder. Try one of the less-sexually charged sites.
confucious Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Hey Sure gutted... My advice would be to change your profile on this dating site. You mention it is "a little steamy"...well, men zero in on this and you will find yourself with a lot more responses from men who want to have some fun than ones who want a serious relationship. When you change it, your responses will probably go down...this is a GOOD thing. At this point you will be appealling to mostly men who want something serious. It amazes me how many women post steamy profiles and then wonder why they get so many men looking for sex. It's like a man making a profile and hinting at an enjoyment and desire for marriage, when really he doesn't WANT marriage for years...BUT, he gets a LOT more responses from women. Then he wonders why they all want to get serious right away. Okay - lame analogy, but it works...
Author so gutted Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Well i guess i dont listen. We met yesterday and i must admit he was quite ok. a few small things did happen. and now he hasnt called. i got one text last night saying - hope u had a good evening and got home ok. i siad yes thanks was great. NOTHING Have i just made the standard mistake of not waiting?
Art_Critic Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 I guess my profile was slightly steamy. Then you got exactly what you were asking for.. Of course he is only after sex..
Author so gutted Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 Well we didntahve sex - so how did he get what he wanted? Also he agreed before hand he doesnt want a one off.....he hasnt called or texted. is that a very bad sign?
Teddy and Jane Posted April 29, 2007 Posted April 29, 2007 So you just met for the first time yesterday? He might still call today. Give it a few days. But don't call him! (or text). That said, the one guy I had the best, most loving relationship ever with called the very next day and actually wanted to see me the next night. I have also had guys who met me on the first date and called me on the drive home just to say they had a great time. To me, that shows a guy who will "stick" and really is into you. Look, you've only had one date so don't get all worked up and wrapped up in it. Men can tell when you get attached too soon and it is a a great way to get him not to call again. Relax! If he calls, yay! If not, next!
Author so gutted Posted April 29, 2007 Author Posted April 29, 2007 I cant believe what a frenzy it has put me into. I just dont learn. I get the feeling from his text yestersay "hope you had a nice evening and got home safe" no xx - he will not call.... before we met he texted every minute and replied straightaway - so for him to now claim he is busy - will not work. I didnt put any pressure on him, i didnt talk marriage/future. I thought i was calm enough. why do they put us through this? its really shattered my confidence again - and yesterday i felt so good.
jcster Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 "its really shattered my confidence again - and yesterday i felt so good." This statement really bothered me. I realize that we all have our confidence issues - but if you feel this badly over a missed phone call, you're in for a lot of pain in the near future. I strongly suggest that you work on your life and find ways to be confident and feel good about yourself before you continue your search for a partner. Other people will not make you happy - that comes from within. - good luck
Author so gutted Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 Well he did text....but i feel like any day soon he is gonna ask for the whole thing.... I think I was very stupid. I want a future - not a summer fling. How do I communicate this without rocking the boat? Is there any chance that he will grow to like me? I feel like I have tricked him..
jcster Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 If you want a future, and not just a fling - then I don't see how telling him that will "rock the boat." The only time you need to worry about that is if you want to keep seeing him regardless of his intentions, and you've made it clear that isn't what you want. If he only wants a fling, it's unlikely that he will change his mind. And finally....How did you trick him? Dating isn't a contract and you can stop dating him at ANY time - no obligation!!!!! I don't mean to sound harsh, but it really sounds to me like you have serious self-esteem issues. Who cares if he's disappointed that he won't get an easy score!!??? Please...practice these words: "no thank you."
Guest Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 i feel i have tricked him because he went on a site looking for something, which i guess i had displayed in my profile. He got me. I have been acting a bit funny - as in reality what i said i wanted in the profile wasnt really what i wanted. I wanted a relationship/a boyfriend. Now he has met me, and all his texts are suggestive. He told me to be myself and not to worry about creating a bad impression in front of him etc....( i was being a conserative asian). Now I dont know how to steer the conversation onto normal stuff??? How do i drop the hint that i want more??
Author so gutted Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 i feel i have tricked him because he went on a site looking for something, which i guess i had displayed in my profile. He got me. I have been acting a bit funny - as in reality what i said i wanted in the profile wasnt really what i wanted. I wanted a relationship/a boyfriend. Now he has met me, and all his texts are suggestive. He told me to be myself and not to worry about creating a bad impression in front of him etc....( i was being a conserative asian). Now I dont know how to steer the conversation onto normal stuff??? How do i drop the hint that i want more
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Now he has met me, and all his texts are suggestive. Well Duh !!.... The only choice you have here is to pull him back into line.. Talk with him about your profile and how you may have made a mistake with your wording and that you are not looking for a booty call.. Tell him that you will not just have sex with him without more time passing and more of a relationship.. Talk with him about this and see how he reacts to the talk...
Author so gutted Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 My question is can we become something else (something better) AFTER we have had "our fun"? He doesnt want sex. He can agree to the no sex thing. Can this get better or is it pure physical only. How can i word this to him?
Art_Critic Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 He doesnt want sex. He can agree to the no sex thing. He is telling you what you want to hear.. Any guy will do that so the girl drops her guard.. He is only agreeing to the no sex thing with the idea that he will get it later..then he will try and move the date of later to earlier.. Trust me. we all have said this to a girl to get in her panties.. to answer your question.. most likely no you cannot go backwards in a relationship.. if you get physical first then deny sex it will harm the relationship not help it.. The best avenue is to not go down the physical avenue yet.. work on the relationship and see if you both are compatible with each other and go from there.
sweetie91589 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 forget him now, seriously, i know how this goes, if you end it now you will not get as hurt. if you sacrifice yourself then you are going to feel 94589585 times worse about it. Walk away with your dignity, this guy seems sleezy and selfish. You can do much better im sure.
Author so gutted Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 this is it - i dont know if i can risk this - as i have a feeling he will get pisssssd off and leave. Any idea how i can start this discussion - in a text (we text talk all day long - im talking from 9 -7 continious). He is going to feel led on. Do men ( in this day and age) really lose respect for you if you get physical even without sexx? am i the only woman that likes this why do we have to wait. its hard enough finally finding a man you feel any chemistry for and then you have to hold back and this angers them. So far we have only kissed. How can I hold proceedings. Any sugestions for a text ?
jcster Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 If any guy gets angry at you for holding back, then you need to drop them right away. If a guy doesn't respect your needs - you should have no need for him. You also have no way of knowing how he feels - so assuming that he's going to be angry is just going to freak you out and solve nothing. Also, any guy that loses respect for you because of any sexual activity you've engage in with him is not someone that you want to date. If you think that there's any hope of having a real, respectful relationship with this guy, you can't tell him these things in a text message (or email).
Author so gutted Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 This is all a consquence have having no real workable social network. Weekends are spent waiting for someone to be call me or agree to my plans. They have all moved on and I am left craving attention from internet men. I get this attention in the wrong way and it feels wrong. I am getting short term satisfaction, gratifacation that someone "like me" wants to spend time ( a few hours) with me. This WILL end in tears. I feel that walking away is too hard - the resulting consquence of walking away is a hot sunny weekend of nothing. Its unbearable. I have tried making new friends - but they also prove unreliable. How can i be a stronger person and walk away?? Do i just go dead quiet ? get him worried ? do i disappear or have it out in a messy way ( get insulted and feel worse?)
jcster Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 I feel that walking away is too hard - the resulting consquence of walking away is a hot sunny weekend of nothing. Its unbearable. So, it's unbearable to be alone - so you will take any kind of relationship - even one that you don't really want - to avoid it? I have tried making new friends - but they also prove unreliable. This may be because you are depending upon them to justify your existence and to keep you from being "alone." There is no way that any other human being besides yourself that can do this. You ask to much from these people - they can do nothing other than be unrealiable. I think you should just tell this guy that your not ready to see anyone - because, quite frankly, you are not. You're absolutely right, it will end in tears. Have you considered going to a therapist? I just get the feeling from your post that there are a lot of reasons for your lack of self-esteem and that you would be so much happier (and meet much better people) if you worked on solving them.
StayClose Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Let me clarify a few things... All guys want sex. (Well, maybe not ALL, but enough do that it is safe to generalize.) However, just because a guy wants sex does NOT mean that he doesn't want a relationship and everything that implies. Next, just as you wouldn't want a relationship with any guy that shows interest in you, most guys don't want a relationship with any woman who shows interest in them. Next, it is very easy to build anticpation and a false sense of intimacy through email and text messages, even phone calls. That chemistry may disappear when meeting that person in real life. Most of this thread is pretty worthless. The people here don't know the guy you're asking about. All they know about him is what you've provided. If he doesn't call back, then don't take it personally. He may not have felt that the two of you hit it off in person, just as sometimes you meet a guy and you don't feel like you've hit it off. Also, it is a good idea for delay sex until 4 or five dates into it. Most of the just-into-it-for-sex guys will give up & move on by then, but if he feels like you're LTR material he will stick with it.
My Fair Katie Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 This seems to happen a lot to you. You really need to change your profile. You are being misleading. Men contact you expecting a fling and you want a relationship. You will NOT be able to come to a compromise over those two things. State in your profile that you want a relationship. Get rid of the steamy crap. Find someone that will like you for you. You'll be happier if you can start something honestly.
Hitman10000 Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 Basically you were dealing with one of those one night standers, only for sex guys, superficial men. You'll find a lot of those on the internet. The pattern is obvious, superficial players will woo you tons in the beginning and then fizzle out after the first or first month after they get what you give. They're good with words and pressure, but a strong woman will not give in. You are a strong woman, I enjoy being with women who challenge/hold on to their morals. A woman who simply gives herself off on the first night or second night has no control over herself and are the types of people responsible for the spread of diseases. Same forth for the man who expects sex on the first/second date. I have to give it to you ladies, online dating sucks for guys in general but is great for you ladies. Unfortunately it doesn't mean you ladies will have a greater chance at finding the right partner it just means you have a larger pool of selection.
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