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A viewpoint question about divorced men - where there was adultery.

GregsBad

By GregsBad
in The Other Man / Woman

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GregsBad Established Member

GregsBad

Posted
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I’m very interested in hearing opinions from different women about men who came out of a broken marriage - where cheating occured.

 

Here’s a scenario:

 

There are two men who are very interested in you and you may pick one, to see where things might go. But you can’t pick both – just one.

 

They’re both attractive, financially well off, they both want to get to know you. Both are divorced for several years, each from a long term marriage that was happy until cheating. They only difference (without further questions from you) are that one cheated on his x-wife, confessed and got dumped for it. The other was cheated on and he dumped his wife after she confessed.

 

Which would you pick and why? Or do you have any more questions?

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

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I would pick the guy who dumped his cheating W, I have more respect for people who stand up for themselves and who won't allow someone to disrespect them, even if it means losing the love of their life.

The other guy, if he was REALLY happy I have no respect for his cheating.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
Posted
I’m very interested in hearing opinions from different women about men who came out of a broken marriage - where cheating occured.

 

Here’s a scenario:

 

There are two men who are very interested in you and you may pick one, to see where things might go. But you can’t pick both – just one.

 

They’re both attractive, financially well off, they both want to get to know you. Both are divorced for several years, each from a long term marriage that was happy until cheating. They only difference (without further questions from you) are that one cheated on his x-wife, confessed and got dumped for it. The other was cheated on and he dumped his wife after she confessed.

 

Which would you pick and why? Or do you have any more questions?

 

I would pick the one that I was most attracted to...that's just the truth...:D

sapphire0903 Established Member

sapphire0903

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I agree with GEL ................the one I was most attracted to.

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GregsBad Established Member

GregsBad

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I appreciate these answers, both views say a lot to me. I've learned so much by doing this at a club where nearly everyone in the pub got into a round-table thing. It's amazing what came out. I'm hoping for more replies here.

 

I'm pretty sure I get the point about the one you're most attracted to. Like saying while cheating may be relevant but not a deal breaker for you both. But a deal breaker for Tomcat. Interesting.

 

But it's my scenario ... you don't get to pick before you see. You have to dig more and then pick. And feel safe, you're only picking one for maybe a coffee type meeting just to decide more then.

GreenEyedLady Established Member

GreenEyedLady

Posted
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I'm pretty sure I get the point about the one you're most attracted to. Like saying while cheating may be relevant but not a deal breaker for you both. But a deal breaker for Tomcat. Interesting. But it's my scenario ... you don't get to pick before you see. You have to dig more and then pick. And feel safe, you're only picking one for maybe a coffee type meeting just to decide more then.

 

First Greg, you probably won't want to say immediately that you cheated on your XW...let them get to know your personality first...not too many women want to know all your dirty laundry within 10 seconds of meeting you...and if you're not going to date them, you don't want them to know all the skeletons in your closet either...

 

You want them to get to know the person you are NOW...and let it come up naturally...

Tomcat33 Established Member

Tomcat33

Posted
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First Greg, you probably won't want to say immediately that you cheated on your XW...let them get to know your personality first...not too many women want to know all your dirty laundry within 10 seconds of meeting you...and if you're not going to date them, you don't want them to know all the skeletons in your closet either...

 

You want them to get to know the person you are NOW...and let it come up naturally...

 

I totally agree with that I was actually going to mention that in my post, but for the purpose if this example I think he just wants us to go along with the fact that knowing so soon is not an issue. Even though I agree that WOAH TMI!!

;)

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

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If I was only picking based on their actions and not some level of mutual interest or attraction, I'd pick the one that cheated and confessed, and got dumped.

 

Sounds like he learned from his mistake, and had to face some harsh consequences.

 

Men don't handle being cheated on well, so I couldn't date a man that was so wounded that he immediately dumped the W for cheating. I wouldn't want to be dating some guy and constantly hearing about how horrible his xW was for cheating on him. That kind of thing drives people away.

 

The cheater could be a total player and seeking sympathy to make himself look like a stand up guy by confessing, but I would rather go out with the more assured seeming one.

 

But that's only based on the info given. And that's just how I am.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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I would pick the guy who was cheated on. We could have some scintillating conversation about who's ex-arsehole was worse...

hurting_in_nw Established Member

hurting_in_nw

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If I was only picking based on their actions and not some level of mutual interest or attraction, I'd pick the one that cheated and confessed, and got dumped.

 

Sounds like he learned from his mistake, and had to face some harsh consequences.

 

Men don't handle being cheated on well, so I couldn't date a man that was so wounded that he immediately dumped the W for cheating. I wouldn't want to be dating some guy and constantly hearing about how horrible his xW was for cheating on him. That kind of thing drives people away.

 

The cheater could be a total player and seeking sympathy to make himself look like a stand up guy by confessing, but I would rather go out with the more assured seeming one.

 

But that's only based on the info given. And that's just how I am.

 

Wow, there's some great logic at work here.:rolleyes:

 

First, why is somebody "so wounded" that they dumped a cheating spouse? Sounds like a smart person to me...someone with enough self-respect to not get walked on by people with no moral compass. Or maybe their case was like mine, where the BS wanted to work things out after the A was discovered, but the WS didn't.

 

And second, what makes you think someone who was cheated on will constantly talk about how crappy his XW was? I hope to get to the point where I can sum up my cheating XW in one sentence, and not spend time any time dwelling on what she's done with a future partner. Granted, I'm not there yet, but this scenario is several years after the fact.

 

Also, where does it say anything about the cheater having learned his lesson?

Impudent Oyster Established Member

Impudent Oyster

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I would never date a known cheater. Why would I knowingly get involved with a person who hasn't any integrity? How stupid is THAT?

 

This is the easiest question I've ever answered.

 

If I'm ever in a position to be dating, I plan on being selective in whom I go out with. I don't date cheaters. Oh and, I don't think that a cheater who confesses exists. I've never heard of such a creature.

Chapter2 Established Member

Chapter2

Posted
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Definitely the guy who cheated, confessed then was dumped. It took a huge amount of courage to confess where most just wait to get caught. I think that does show character even though he did make a really bad choice in his marriage. He owned it.

pureinheart Established Member

pureinheart

Posted
Posted
I would pick the guy who dumped his cheating W, I have more respect for people who stand up for themselves and who won't allow someone to disrespect them, even if it means losing the love of their life.

The other guy, if he was REALLY happy I have no respect for his cheating.

 

 

Greg....I agree with Tomcat completely.....

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

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Wow, there's some great logic at work here.:rolleyes:

 

Thanks for allowing me to have my own opinion.

 

First, why is somebody "so wounded" that they dumped a cheating spouse? Sounds like a smart person to me...someone with enough self-respect to not get walked on by people with no moral compass. Or maybe their case was like mine, where the BS wanted to work things out after the A was discovered, but the WS didn't.

 

That is unlikely to be the case if the WS got dumped. :rolleyes:

 

And second, what makes you think someone who was cheated on will constantly talk about how crappy his XW was? I hope to get to the point where I can sum up my cheating XW in one sentence, and not spend time any time dwelling on what she's done with a future partner. Granted, I'm not there yet, but this scenario is several years after the fact.

 

The given scenario didn't give a time period, so I assume the divorces are recent. If I had to choose between having a date (not a M, good grief) with one or the other, the cheater is MY choice. MINE. Okay? If it was several years later, it wouldn't matter if it was the cheater or the cheatee. But *I* feel that the cheatee is still going to want to VENT in the immediate time following the divorce, and *I* don't want to hear it. Shoot me.

 

Also, where does it say anything about the cheater having learned his lesson?

 

This was an assumption.

 

Hurting

 

I myself am nearly 15 months out from finding out about my H's EA. So I understand where you are coming from in your response. I am not a cheater. The thought sickens me. But I do NOT want to date a guy who was cheated on and more than likely will talk about it incessantly in the first year to three following. I DON'T attend pity parties with someone I just met. Shoot, I wouldn't want to hear how much the dumped cheater regrets what he did either!

 

It makes perfect sense to ME. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to anyone else here. I am with a FORMER cheater now. I stayed with my H when he cheated on me. I confronted him. He confessed. He minimized it initially, but later he owned it. All. Call me stupid, but I respect that. I can't be sure that he will never cheat again, and quite frankly, I am not concerned. I will know what I will have to do for myself and our kids.

 

Maybe I am wrong for hoping that a person learned from their mistakes. My H appears to have learned from his, so I ASSUME its possible for others too.

NoIDidn't Established Member

NoIDidn't

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Posted

I just went back and read the OP. It DID state a time period that several years had passed.

 

In that case, it wouldn't matter to me. Cheater or cheatee.

 

It would really depend on the extent of the cheating, but several years after the fact. Doesn't matter to me, its just a date.

Virgo1982 Established Member

Virgo1982

Posted
Posted
First Greg, you probably won't want to say immediately that you cheated on your XW...let them get to know your personality first...not too many women want to know all your dirty laundry within 10 seconds of meeting you...and if you're not going to date them, you don't want them to know all the skeletons in your closet either...

 

You want them to get to know the person you are NOW...and let it come up naturally...

 

I guess what most BS wonder is, if many of us didn't know the mm was in fact m, but we would definitely not seek a r with a mm, then why is it so hard to be completely turned off, or at least end the r, once you know his status.

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GregsBad Established Member

GregsBad

Posted
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First Greg, you probably won't want to say immediately that you cheated on your XW...let them get to know your personality first...not too many women want to know all your dirty laundry within 10 seconds of meeting you...and if you're not going to date them, you don't want them to know all the skeletons in your closet either...

 

You want them to get to know the person you are NOW...and let it come up naturally...

 

You've jumped to a conclusion, an obvious one, and understandably easy conlusion, which I'll neither confirm nor deny because it'll skew other replies, which I'm really interested in.

 

But the more interesting thing (to me) in your reply is that your advice wouldn't work with most of the girls I've met. Most women really DO want to know these things, almost immediately. They're polite enough to wait longer than 10 seconds, but not a whole lot more. They're direct with questions (which is OK with me). And I think most girls have too good of a bull sh*t detector - to even think about lying.

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GregsBad Established Member

GregsBad

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BTW, FWIW ...

 

I wanted to write "BS detector" rather than "bull sh*t detector" but I can see that BS means someting else that I haven't been able to figure out yet. Can someone please tell me? Is there a glossary?

 

It's not a BFD or anything ... but I'd like to make sure I get everthing.

Virgo1982 Established Member

Virgo1982

Posted
Posted
BTW, FWIW ...

 

I wanted to write "BS detector" rather than "bull sh*t detector" but I can see that BS means someting else that I haven't been able to figure out yet. Can someone please tell me? Is there a glossary?

 

It's not a BFD or anything ... but I'd like to make sure I get everthing.

 

Betrayed Spouse. A betrayed spouse detector...you'd make a killing...

Hugh_950 Member

Hugh_950

Posted
Posted
I guess what most BS wonder is, if many of us didn't know the mm was in fact m, but we would definitely not seek a r with a mm, then why is it so hard to be completely turned off, or at least end the r, once you know his status.

 

My opion:

 

Romance is a powerful peptide swarming through the blood thing. Once it begins it gets bigger than her previous moral convictions.

 

But there's something else I've learned in the past few years: Many women get into it KNOWINGLY. They call him an SOB when they ostensibly learn the truth, that he guy is married. Please don't tell me that they didn't at least suspect he was married. And then they begin trying to coax and control him into dumping his wife for her - only to call him an SOB again, this time for staying married. They've become willing victims. Being the victim is also a peptide addiction thing, some people are inclined toward it, even though it's painful.

 

It's like the old saying "Greedy people are the easiest to swindle." They want something bad enough to believe what they should have seen through. Doesn't make the MM right. But I think there are more OM and OW types who took the bait then played the victim. They're not all that innocent either.

boshemia Established Member

boshemia

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I think a lot of it might have to do with whether or not the girl has been cheated on before... for me, been there, done that, and I'll not do it again willingly. If a guy has already cheated, then there is a chance that he'll do it to me too... and I've already done my time in BS Hell lol.

 

On the other hand... it often depends on the level of feelings for the guy prior to finding out his past. If I already like the guy, and have already found that we have a connection of some sort then I'm more likely to give him the benefit of the doubt than if it was some guy I just met.

Hugh_950 Member

Hugh_950

Posted
Posted
First Greg, you probably won't want to say immediately that you cheated on your XW...let them get to know your personality first...not too many women want to know all your dirty laundry within 10 seconds of meeting you...and if you're not going to date them, you don't want them to know all the skeletons in your closet either...

 

You want them to get to know the person you are NOW...and let it come up naturally...

 

I tend to jump to the same conclusion, that Greg was a cheater.

 

But Greg might have been the other way around. Maybe he was cheated on. Maybe he wasn't taking care of business for his wife ... and so his ex strayed. Sorry Greg - don't mean to imply you're a loser, just thinking about the betrayed man in your scenario.

 

I know Greg is looking for female opinions, but from a man's view, I think women should be wary of the guy who was cheated on. And more than just because he'll whine about it. More because he might not have been keeping his ex happy in certian ways, maybe a looser in the romance department. Why would a woman want to hook up with that?

Jinxx Established Member

Jinxx

Posted
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They only difference (without further questions from you) are that one cheated on his x-wife, confessed and got dumped for it. The other was cheated on and he dumped his wife after she confessed.

 

Which would you pick and why? Or do you have any more questions?

 

I don't have time to read all the replies but for me, I'd pick the one who I was more compatable with and had similar hobbies and interests. I believe that if you are with the right person then cheating won't be an issue.

 

I am curious to know why you ask these questions.

pricillia Established Member

pricillia

Posted
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if a woman has gone through something or a man for that matter and learn from bad judgement ect ect then they are less likely to put up with less then what they were getting originally.

 

I would pick the one that I had a better connection with

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GregsBad Established Member

GregsBad

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I don't have time to read all the replies but for me, I'd pick the one who I was more compatable with and had similar hobbies and interests. I believe that if you are with the right person then cheating won't be an issue.

 

I am curious to know why you ask these questions.

 

Thank you for the reply.

 

I'm interested in finding out if cheating, by itself, is an absolute deal breaker with most women, which I would understand and respect, or if many would look beyond that one factor.

 

From the replies on this thread, I can see that many women will want more information before making a choice, like you.

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