very

[debi38]

Well first let me say that im dating a wonderful man that i met a little over a year ago. Im 38 he is 40. There are acouple of issues I have . 1st is his ex .

She talks to him like he's a piece of crap. They have two kids together . THis guy works all day and babysits after work to see his kids everyday . The problem i have is I dont like the way she talks to him and i feel he should'nt

babysit his kids when she wants to go out on a Friday or Saturday. He does enough all week . We' ve been fighting about this everytime it happens. The latest is she said she had to go to funeral on Friday and Sat. Someone from work ( i dont believe that for a second ) So ended up babysitting and i got real upset .

 

Im not sure if i want to keep going through this everytime she calls and yells at him and he babysits and he does nothing ( like a wuss) should i just let it go or just let the relationship go ..

[quankanne]

he probably puts up with her abuse because he really wants to be close to his children. And who can blame him? When a couple splits up, the kid is the one who gets the worst of it because there's no longer equal access to both parents.

 

if you have a problem with him spending so much time with his kids, you should seriously think about ending the relationship, because from the sounds of it, that part isn't going to change – he loves his kids and will do what he must to be with them.

 

otherwise, put your irritation aside and let him know that even though the ex drives you crazy, you admire him for being a good daddy to his kids.

[debi]

I dont have a problem with him watching his kids . The problem i have is him watching them for her to go out .. thats wrong She dosnt ask she just says your watching him .That's what pisses me off he does enough for her . and yes I Know he loves his kids . but i deel he should 'nt be told to watch them because she is going out .

[nittygritty]

Its not babysitting they are his kids. Divorce doesn't change that.

 

A good parent wants to be with their kids as much as possible in spite of what court ordered visitation schedule is. His putting up with his ex treating him bad in order to be with his kids is admirable. He is doing what is in the best interests of his children.

 

He may be the more stable parent and he knows it so he does everything he can to provide the stability that kids need. His ex may flake out altogether and he may have them all the time at some point.

Ya never know.

 

You are either going to have to accept that this is how it is or realize that you can't handle the terms of this relationship and bail.

 

If he is willing to have his kids and hire a babysitter every now and then when you all have set plans that might help. But you are going to become very resentful if you don't come to terms with the fact that these are his kids and his responsibility and there is not a whole lot of extra time left over for a lot of dating and romance when your raising kids. Don't get me wrong. There is plenty but is it enough time for you to feel satisfied.

 

I wouldn't push the envelope by harping on his exes mistreatment or taking advantage of him. He will choose his relationship with kids over his relationship with you.

 

I bet you were very attracted to his being a good parent when you first met him. Don't try to change that about him.

[debi38]

As I Responded Before Please Read Reply

[debi38]

I dont have aproblem with him babysitting not at all. The problem i have is him watching while she goes out .. he does enough for his kids she dosnt know how lucky of a father is ..she takes advantage and i dont like it

[My Fair Katie]

A dad is not a babysitter, he is a *parent.* When he watches his children he is "parenting" not "babysitting." Sorry, that's just a pet peeve of mine.

 

As for the rest of it, his ex sounds like a miserable person, but ya'all can't change that, you can only change how you respond to it. He sounds like a great dad and you yourself said he was a wonderful man. So, I'd let it go. Obviously his ex acting like an asshat doesn't bother him much, even if it bugs you. Doesn't make him a wuss, he probably just realizes there is no point in arguing back as it'll just escalate the situation.

 

Those kids are lucky that their dad loves them so much that even when their mom is being crazy he's happy to take them in.

[debi38]

A dad is not a babysitter, he is a *parent.* When he watches his children he is "parenting" not "babysitting." Sorry, that's just a pet peeve of mine.

 

As for the rest of it, his ex sounds like a miserable person, but ya'all can't change that, you can only change how you respond to it. He sounds like a great dad and you yourself said he was a wonderful man. So, I'd let it go. Obviously his ex acting like an asshat doesn't bother him much, even if it bugs you. Doesn't make him a wuss, he probably just realizes there is no point in arguing back as it'll just escalate the situation.

 

Those kids are lucky that their dad loves them so much that even when their mom is being crazy he's happy to take them in.

 

 

 

everyone not understanding what im saying here ..grrrrrrr

[My Fair Katie]

everyone not understanding what im saying here ..grrrrrrr

 

Sure we do. You're upset because the kid's mom is a rude flake who uses your bf as free "babysitting" so she can make last minute dates and *you* think he already does enough for the kids.

 

Personally, I don't think parents can ever do "enough" for their kids when it comes to spending time with them. It's not the kid's fault that their mom is a flake, and it's not their fault their dad is divorced, and it's not their fault that they might infringe on a Friday night movie night you had planned with their dad.

 

He is putting his children first, that happens when you have kids. You can be annoyed by the ex wife, but other than that, it's not your place to demand your bf NOT take in his kids, no matter how much you think he already does for them. If it bothers you, leave him, but it's on YOU, not him, not his ex wife, and certainly not his kids.

[nittygritty]

Its not babysitting its raising his kids.

 

Are you worried that he is still in love with her?

Because he may always have some feelings for her. He was married to her. She is the mother of his kids. But more than likely he can't stand her. He can't live with her and now they are divorced.

 

He did not divorce his kids.

 

You probably should break up with him because YOU can't handle it.

Not because he his doing anything wrong.

[debi38]

Sure we do. You're upset because the kid's mom is a rude flake who uses your bf as free "babysitting" so she can make last minute dates and *you* think he already does enough for the kids.

 

Personally, I don't think parents can ever do "enough" for their kids when it comes to spending time with them. It's not the kid's fault that their mom is a flake, and it's not their fault their dad is divorced, and it's not their fault that they might infringe on a Friday night movie night you had planned with their dad.

 

He is putting his children first, that happens when you have kids. You can be annoyed by the ex wife, but other than that, it's not your place to demand your bf NOT take in his kids, no matter how much you think he already does for them. If it bothers you, leave him, but it's on YOU, not him, not his ex wife, and certainly not his kids.

 

 

I just feel he shouldnt watch his kids when she 's going out . Let her mom watch them . I just dont like her using him serioulsy. SHE DOSNT ASK SHE TELLS HIM that whats pisses me off ... He come above and beyond enough of time with them and he says it makes him mad . Just bothers me especially on a FRiday or Sat. SHE shouldnt talk to him like that you ask!! she the one that cheated on him for a year ..just wrong

[debi38]

Its not babysitting its raising his kids.

 

Are you worried that he is still in love with her?

Because he may always have some feelings for her. He was married to her. She is the mother of his kids. But more than likely he can't stand her. He can't live with her and now they are divorced.

 

He did not divorce his kids.

 

You probably should break up with him because YOU can't handle it.

Not because he his doing anything wrong.

 

 

Im not worried at all .. lmao I can handle it i was dont think he should have to because she want to go out thats all

[nittygritty]

His ex may intentionally be trying to screw up all of your weekends and be pulling the last minute changes with the "I need you to watch the kids" routine just to piss you off and get rid of you.

 

It will only get worse.

 

He can hire a babysitter for a few hours if you all have made date plans.

If you all have made plans to go out of town for the weekend he can try to make backup plans with family or good friends to watch the kids if the ex flakes out. If there is no one you can either take the kids with you or not go.

 

But until they are 18 this is how it is going to be.

 

If you want to try to get him to spend thousands of dollars trying to get a change of custody and visitation in the courts. But be aware that no matter what his ex will always have visitation rights (unless you terminate parental rights) and legally you can't force a parent to exercise the visitation with thier kids even when its supposed to be the other parents day.

 

You could try to get the law changed so that it is illegal for a parent to not exercise the visitation that the courts awarded to them. Prison time for all parents who are not good responsible parents.

You would be making a lot of people happy if you could do that .

[debi38]

;)

His ex may intentionally be trying to screw up all of your weekends and be pulling the last minute changes with the "I need you to watch the kids" routine to just to piss you off and get rid of you.

 

It will only get worse.

 

He can hire a babysitter for a few hours if you all have made date plans.

If you all have made plans to go out of town for the weekend he can try to make backup plans with family or good friends to watch the kids if the ex flakes out. If there is no one you can either take the kids with you or not go.

 

But until they are 18 this is how it is going to be.

 

If you want to try to get him to spend thousands of dollars trying to get a change of custody and visitation in the courts. But be aware that no matter what his ex will always have visitation rights (unless you terminate parental rights) and legally you can't force a parent to exercise the visitation with thier kids even when its supposed to be the other parents day.

 

You could try to get the law changed so that it is illegal for a parent to not exercise the visitation that the courts awarded to them. Prison time for all parents who are not good responsible parents.

You would be making a lot of people happy if you could do that .

lol cute ... Let me explain a little more then.. he lives with me

she is no threat to me . The problem is i dont like the way she talks to him . im not trying to stop him from seeing his kids . I have a 11 year old boy and 17 year daughter. My mom watches him when the rare occiasion i get out of the house . She dosnt has she tells him.. that just get to me

she an **** . Hes constantly doing stuff for them and she dosnt relize how rare that it . works all day watches his kids everyday after school.

brings them all over ( like aparent should do ) but dont take a davndge of a good man YOU ASK PLAIN AND SIMPLE .... again i feel he shouldnt have to for her to go out he does way more than enough . Ive had them at my house plenty of times and im glad that he loves his kids . I feel i shouldnt have to get stressed out about this at all . Ive been through enoughcrap and i dont want to go the rest of life like this All he has to do and just stand up and say NO have plans but he dosnt . thats what gets me

[ash519]

Your bf is a big boy, if he feels she is being rude it is his job to say "Listen, all you have to do is ask and not be so rude about it." I understand you being annoyed but there is nothing you can do and you should let it go.

 

It sounds like you just want your bf to be free Friday and Saturday nights for you and he is choosing to take his kids rather than spend alone time with you. Sounds you are jealous of his relationship with his kids. There mother has every right to go out on weekends, and if your bf says yes to her and takes them thats his choice. Regardless of if she asks or not, he can always say "Sorry, I'm not going to be around, ask your Mother." Bottom line is, it sounds like this is him problem and he can correct it, not the ex's.

[debi38]

Your bf is a big boy, if he feels she is being rude it is his job to say "Listen, all you have to do is ask and not be so rude about it." I understand you being annoyed but there is nothing you can do and you should let it go.

 

It sounds like you just want your bf to be free Friday and Saturday nights for you and he is choosing to take his kids rather than spend alone time with you. Sounds you are jealous of his relationship with his kids. There mother has every right to go out on weekends, and if your bf says yes to her and takes them thats his choice. Regardless of if she asks or not, he can always say "Sorry, I'm not going to be around, ask your Mother." Bottom line is, it sounds like this is him problem and he can correct it, not the ex's.

aSH519

 

Are you for real . Maybe you never met a nice guy before or whatever.

He lives with me hello !!!! read my replys i sent . I dont go out much at all and that biotch can fine somelse to babysit when she goes out . he watches his kids during the week also when she goes out she makes up lame excuses thats dosnt matter anyway He trust me he wants to be with me every second of the day ,.......

[quankanne]

SHE DOSNT ASK SHE TELLS HIM that whats pisses me off ... he says it makes him mad

 

I gotcha ... unfortunately, there's no Charm School for Bxtchy Ex-wives, otherwise, they'd be selling a lot of gift certificates :laugh:

 

gritty's got a point – she's probably using her kids as a pawn to get back at their dad, and it's working because she knows that she's succeeding in pushing her buttons. I highly doubt she's going to change her mindset unless she experiences some huge epiphany about her behavior. Which leaves you with two options: Talk to her and tell her that you're not playing her game (which prolly would motivate her to keep the kids from their dad) or just slap on a nice grin, nod your head at her when she pulls this crap and know that eventually, her behavior will come back to bite her in the butt (called "killing her with kindness"). Any way you cut it, there's no really simple answer to dealing with vengeful exes ...

[nittygritty]

It is infuriating but what would happen if he did stand up to her and say no?

 

Legally what is visitation schedule supposed to be?

If it is less amount of time than he wants than she may start sticking to minimal amounts. Just to be a b*tch. She may make things very difficult and try to sabotage his relationship with his kids by poisening their minds with crap like your daddy didn't want to see you today or whatever she can come up with.

 

Yep, it sucks. But he is doing the right thing by not standing up to her and just taking care of the kids.

 

Don't let her get to you, that is what she wants.

 

If you really can't handle it than he needs to move out.

 

I'm sensing there is more resentment than just the inconvenience's of a irresponsible b*tchy ex.

How much are you doing for this guy to help him provide his ex with the lifestyle she is becoming used too?

[debi38]

SHE DOSNT ASK SHE TELLS HIM that whats pisses me off ... he says it makes him mad

 

I gotcha ... unfortunately, there's no Charm School for Bxtchy Ex-wives, otherwise, they'd be selling a lot of gift certificates :laugh:

 

gritty's got a point – she's probably using her kids as a pawn to get back at their dad, and it's working because she knows that she's succeeding in pushing her buttons. I highly doubt she's going to change her mindset unless she experiences some huge epiphany about her behavior. Which leaves you with two options: Talk to her and tell her that you're not playing her game (which prolly would motivate her to keep the kids from their dad) or just slap on a nice grin, nod your head at her when she pulls this crap and know that eventually, her behavior will come back to bite her in the butt (called "killing her with kindness"). Any way you cut it, there's no really simple answer to dealing with vengeful exes ...

 

 

lol That's funny . Im 38 i dont have time to play little games . I Just told him i had enough I dont want to live my life like that. Now he is free to watch and get taken advantage of and get talked to like that. Because im not dealing with it anymore . The only thing i asked him was not to let her take advandge of him and talk to him like that . and to ask... I know he feels quity about the divorce and all ,but i say If you want to go out go bother someone else he not a bulit in babysitter . I know i just broke his heart but again i deserve better Im not and i chose not to live my life by some nasty ex.

[debi38]

It is infuriating but what would happen if he did stand up to her and say no?

 

Legally what is visitation schedule supposed to be?

If it is less amount of time than he wants than she may start sticking to minimal amounts. Just to be a b*tch. She may make things very difficult and try to sabotage his relationship with his kids by poisening their minds with crap like your daddy didn't want to see you today or whatever she can come up with.

 

Yep, it sucks. But he is doing the right thing by not standing up to her and just taking care of the kids.

 

Don't let her get to you, that is what she wants.

 

If you really can't handle it than he needs to move out.

 

I'm sensing there is more resentment than just the inconvenience's of a irresponsible b*tchy ex.

How much are you doing for this guy to help him provide his ex with the lifestyle she is becoming used too?

 

I did alot for him . I just ended it . Maybe it was more than that ? Im not sure honestly i had a miscarraige 2 months ago and i was very up set with him that he didnt go to the hospital . I dont think i got over that he didnt come, after i told him . Who knows thanks fo rthe imput.. bUT I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

[debi38]

I did alot for him . I just ended it . Maybe it was more than that ? Im not sure honestly i had a miscarraige 2 months ago and i was very up set with him that he didnt go to the hospital . I dont think i got over that he didnt come, after i told him . Who knows thanks fo rthe imput.. bUT I THINK I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

 

 

as for the vistation thing she dosnt even see her kids . Hes there till they are sleeping all week .. she just uses him and my bad for caring about someone and stand up and say she shouldnt talk to you like that . she gave up that right when she cheated on you ....

[quankanne]

crazy question here, but what are the chances of him getting primary custody of the kids? If they lived with him, she'd have them certain days and couldn't pull this crap without it reflecting badly on her – I know my sisters used to hold their ex-husbands' toes to the fire whenever they did the "well, can you keep them this weekend because" too many times, because it was hurting the kids.

 

my bad for caring about someone and stand up and say she shouldnt talk to you like that

 

ugh, that's the hardest part about loving someone: you cannot make them stand up for themselves, they've got to do it on their own ...

 

in light of your announcement that y'all are split, how are you handling this?

[nittygritty]

I think you made the right decision too.

 

Once upon a time I was in a similiar situation and it was a nightmare!!!

 

You'll be ok.

 

Who knows maybe you saying "no more" will be the catalyst that helps him find his testicles.

 

Take Care

[debi38]

crazy question here, but what are the chances of him getting primary custody of the kids? If they lived with him, she'd have them certain days and couldn't pull this crap without it reflecting badly on her – I know my sisters used to hold their ex-husbands' toes to the fire whenever they did the "well, can you keep them this weekend because" too many times, because it was hurting the kids.

 

my bad for caring about someone and stand up and say she shouldnt talk to you like that

 

ugh, that's the hardest part about loving someone: you cannot make them stand up for themselves, they've got to do it on their own ...

 

in light of your announcement that y'all are split, how are you handling this?

he already called me 15 times .. telling me he wont babysit anymore when she goes out just the normal afterschool stuff. But can that be trusted

i care about him very much. Hes a sweet guy there not many left out there anymore . I told him day 1 i want to be happy if im not i leave .

ive had to much bs guys in my life and wasted YEARSSSSSS with them . i just dontfeel i deserve to be stressed out about this . AND IT SEEMed like he didnt care and he kept letting her talk to him lik e that now all of sudden he grew balls:eek:

[nittygritty]

Yes, balls can grow back .

 

Yes, he sounds like a great guy (other than the flaw you posted about)

and they are hard to find.

 

You can put him on probation and see if he really does what he says he is going to. Set a mental time limit on it.

 

Since you all are living together I wouldn't make any radical decisions right now because kids are involved.

 

Have you called it quits ever before with him? Or is this the first time you have said you've had enough and its over?