MusicLover01 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 As the title indicates, I am on the fence about ending my marriage. First some background (I'll be as brief as possible). Married almost 7 years now, together for 10, 2 kids, house, 2 vehicles. First thoughts of divorce were actually right after the wedding on the way to the honeymoon when we got in a fight because her stomach hurt. She was just very crabby b/c of it I guess. Those thoughts have been the pattern ever since. Always thinking about it but never doing it because of the kids, financial and emotional hardships, etc. Years passed, I felt alone in the relationship, always thinking about how I felt a marriage "should" be. During this time she practically never wanted sex and would most often reject even physical touch. NEVER came to me for sex. We have both been unhappy for a while, but I feel I probably have been more unhappy and for longer than her. There ARE good happy times. I can't say that things have ever been "outstanding" in my perspective though. Told her several times over the years that my needs weren't being met, that we needed to change some things, etc. It seemed she would sort of try but not for more than a week. Of the many times I tried to talk to her, I even mentioned divorce several times. She never really looks at me when I talk to her either - always too busy looking around at things - but claims she is listening. She has always done most of the work with the kids, etc, so I understand that she probably felt overwhelmed too. I would isolate myself to prevent fights and just to cope with being unhappy. Only recently have I discovered that her years of rejection and negativity toward me are what led me to believe I was unattractive to women. It evolved into self-doubt and no confidence too. About six months ago I met someone else and it evolved into a sexual relationship. The woman is actually a good person (even though the situation may make it appear otherwise), and we have a stronger friendship than I think my wife and I have ever had. That's right, she is first and foremost a friend. Lover is just a benefit that makes it even better. Yes, we love each other and all along she has told me that either way I choose is ok as long as I am happy. She says she just wants to see me happy and if that means staying with the wife and kids then that is what she wants. This other woman has respected my wishes to break off contact while I figure out what I feel to be the best decision. My wife knows about everything, has forgiven me, understands how her behavior contributed to everything that happened, and wants to work it out. She is willing to do anything. But it took me having "an affair" to bring about any change. My repeated attempts to explain things to her weren't good enough apparently (I had also tried to set up a consistent "date night", but she would usually say nobody would watch the kids). She DOES love me. However, I'm still on the fence. I really need to know what this looks like from the outside. I'm not sure what I'm struggling with so much to be honest....maybe it's just all the memories....holding on to the past. Any thoughts/perspectives would be appreciated!
Woggle Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 If your wife truly does admit to how she contributed to this and is willing to make changes I say give it one more chance. You two do have children togather and it is not too often that a woman admits any wronddoing at all so her admitting her part is a big step. I would suggest you two go to marriage counseling and look at this as a new start. If she still is not willing to be a real partner and actually work at the marriage then I say cut your losses and move on but give your family one more shot.
sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Seems as though your wife may have some physical and/or psychological issues that need to be addressed. To have such a low libido and your description of her tending to be constantly distracted. Like she's more inside hear head than outside. She should probably seek some therapy and also get some bloodwork done to check her hormone levels etc.. You too should seek some individual therapy as well as marriage counciling. I know that if I had done these things earlier my marriage might not have fallen apart. Forget any stigmas, there is absolutley no shame in seeking help. I'd suggest that it's worth a shot for you.. but you have to stay commited to avoiding the other woman completely. Even an emotional attachment right now would be detrimental to saving your marriage. You have to really want this and work at it.
2sunny Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 i have heard folks here say that the marriagebuilders website was immensely helpful. check it out. considering the circumstances... i would cut out ANY contact with your OW and see if this marriage can be healthy and happy. you will not be able to put 150% of your energy and efforts to repair the marriage if you are still seeing OW. speaking of the OW - it is always easy to be happy with someone in the beginning stages of dating - especially if you are never given a chance to see their bad side... it is just different when you live a day to day life with all of life's adversities and trying to handle them. you say your wife does most of the work with the kids... why don't you pick up the pace once or twice a week so she can have a break... she may be happier and give you a reward for your efforts! see where i am going with making her day a little less pressured? = ) good luck and stay on track!
Author MusicLover01 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Thanks for the great perspectives, everyone. Yes, I have actually been seeing a counselor on my own now (in an effort to analyze myself and figure out what I really want) for probably 3 months now. I actually do watch the kids twice a week. One night she participates in a band, and the other night she takes a class for her master's. I have also boosted my efforts in the past, exactly as you said - hoping for a reward, but to no avail. The issues I have are 1) I don't feel compelled to put in much effort (sort of like I'm just dried up...not sure how much or if this has to do with the OW). and 2) The marriage never was what I would consider healthy and happy to begin with. It really bothers me that my voice wasn't enough to change things. Rather, I had to do something hurtful to bring about a willingness for good (NOT why I did it btw) - but that just CAN'T be healthy.
Author MusicLover01 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Also, I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling long ago and she wouldn't. Of course, now she is very willing. Now that she knows someone else wants me. You women are so complex. :-)
sumdude Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Also, I tried to get her to go to marriage counseling long ago and she wouldn't. Of course, now she is very willing. Now that she knows someone else wants me. You women are so complex. :-) Not just women... I had to lose my wife to finally see and act on the changes I needed to make. I finally made the counciling appointment 2 days before she left. Too late. Hopefully this wake up call will rescue your wife and marriage. Stick it out... but keep her on her toes. You're a good man for giving it another try. If it works out I bet you'll be happier than ever.
Woggle Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Some people don't realize until it hits them over the head. I would stick aound to see if she is sincere and willing to commit to improving the marriage. I would also drop the OW. That is never the answer to any marital problems.
Guest Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Oh I completely agree, going outside a marriage is never the answer. The answers are either work through problems or call it quits and move on. Now is the time though, for me to think about everything that has happened. I did what I did for many reasons and I need to figure out if I forsee us ever being happy together. ANY two people can MAKE a relationship work. But doing it and being happy about the choice is another whole concept. That's where I'm stuck...
Author MusicLover01 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Oh I completely agree, going outside a marriage is never the answer. The answers are either work through problems or call it quits and move on. Now is the time though, for me to think about everything that has happened. I did what I did for many reasons and I need to figure out if I forsee us ever being happy together. ANY two people can MAKE a relationship work. But doing it and being happy about the choice is another whole concept. That's where I'm stuck...
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 You are a POS for going outside your marriage, there is no excuse for cheating!!!! period!!! Now that being said I undertand the need for wanting to be loved and feeling unattractive and rejected. If that was the case why didnt you just get the marriage annulled. Why couldnt you get LSA papers and serve her and tell her why? before you went out and had sex with someone else? It just makes you look bad. You didnt have to sleep with someone else. Is it possible she just has a low sex drive or she had an affair and is just staying with you because your a meal ticket or a sense of onligation? I mean is that what it is?
Author MusicLover01 Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Well thanks for the harsh opinion. It's yours to have and I respect it. I do not feel that what I did was right by any means, and I never said that. All I said was that it happened, it was a mistake, I have learned (and will continue) to learn from it. I never did file because I didn't want to divorce. I understand the impacts of it and wanted things to change more than anything. My repeated attempts to explain things fell on deaf ears. My self-esteem and confidence were at all time lows, essentially I felt I was nobody. It DOES take a certain amount of self-confidence to file for divorce. Or at least it does for me. AFAIK she has not had an affair, although I did suspect it at one time. She completely denies anything of that nature and I believe she is being honest. Yes, she just has a very low sex drive. As far as the meal ticket theory, I don't know, but I do know that when we talk about divorce she always brings up "Now I'm gonna have to work for the rest of my life..."
mammax3 Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Hi. I'd give it a try, if she's sincere about trying. Some people have a hard time sticking to what may work, and will need a lot of feedback, but going through counselling (i imagine, my STBXH didn't want to try) can certainly show you both where you've gone off the pages of your marriage. Even if it doesn't bring you back together, you can be sure that you tried and that marriage isn't a viable option anymore for you both. It may also help you become better exes, which would totally help your kids. Good luck.
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