Parents maybe heading toward the D word.

[IpAncA]

Well it looks like my mother has had enough, maybe.

 

We talked last night on the phone and she told me that once she

retires, she's thinking of leaving.

 

Now I've been hearing this for a while and I should be glad she's considering it but I've changed my mind. It feels so wrong because they've been together since early 20s and their in their 50s now.

 

My parents need counseling there's no question but my stubborn selfish father thinks nothings wrong and that my mother is the one that's messed up. Yeah freaking right. It's him all the way and it's getting worse.

 

I don't know but I personally think their not compatable. All their life they worked and barly spent any time together. Now their spending more time and they can't stand each other. Sure sometimes they get along great but my father is just pushing her away and he doesn't care.

 

I personally think he'd love nothing more then to be by himself so he can go online and surf/spend money on God knows what without being caught all day.

 

I know he loves it when she leaves because he gets right on there the moment she gets in the car and right off as soon as she walks thru the door. It's actually sad.

 

Anyhow I know there's nothing I can do but I'm being thrown in the middle because I talked to my father and he told me somethings. It's like their trying to get me to pick sides. I don't want to.

 

I know this shouldn't bug me but it does. I could just sit her and cry like a little kid would. I want to help but I feel like I should stay out of it. If only they would go to MC. I think things would be better.

 

I knew having a good day yesterday and nothing going wrong meant something.

[outofdarkness]

Well it looks like my mother has had enough, maybe.

 

We talked last night on the phone and she told me that once she

retires, she's thinking of leaving.

 

Now I've been hearing this for a while and I should be glad she's considering it but I've changed my mind. It feels so wrong because they've been together since early 20s and their in their 50s now.

 

My parents need counseling there's no question but my stubborn selfish father thinks nothings wrong and that my mother is the one that's messed up. Yeah freaking right. It's him all the way and it's getting worse.

 

I don't know but I personally think their not compatable. All their life they worked and barly spent any time together. Now their spending more time and they can't stand each other. Sure sometimes they get along great but my father is just pushing her away and he doesn't care.

 

I personally think he'd love nothing more then to be by himself so he can go online and surf/spend money on God knows what without being caught all day.

 

I know he loves it when she leaves because he gets right on there the moment she gets in the car and right off as soon as she walks thru the door. It's actually sad.

 

Anyhow I know there's nothing I can do but I'm being thrown in the middle because I talked to my father and he told me somethings. It's like their trying to get me to pick sides. I don't want to.

 

I know this shouldn't bug me but it does. I could just sit her and cry like a little kid would. I want to help but I feel like I should stay out of it. If only they would go to MC. I think things would be better.

 

I knew having a good day yesterday and nothing going wrong meant something.

Hi,

You're right, you should stay out of your parent's marriage. As painful as it may be for you right now, they have to make their own decisions and be adults w/out involving you. I post on LS often, and I feel very strongly that children should be told when divorce or separation is right around the corner or one parent leaves..Unfortunately, often parents stay together for years w/ one parent having no idea what's wrong w/ the other and even blame themselves. Because the parent who is sneaking around doing things he/she should not be doing, it creates an atmosphere of distrust and self blame. Often, the offending parent actually comes right out and blames the other parent. I'm not saying that both of your parent's haven't contributed to the demise of the marriage, but from reading your post, it sounds like your Father is up to no good on the internet.

 

I have two teens, and I don't know your age but assume you might be the same? Mine were 12 and 13 when we found out what my Husband was doing, and we had all been through alot before we were finally able to put two and two together and figure out that what he had been doing all of those years had caused many things that had gone wrong in our family...We both felt very strongly that they should be told the truth so that they would finally have some closure...It worked, and they are much better adjusted and informed then they have ever been. Unfortunately, you can't MAKE your Father do or say anything, or you Mother for that matter either.

 

Is there a trusted friend, youth minister, coach, etc., that you can talk to about this? I would not recommend a friend so much but a trusted adult that has some wisdom and experience in this sort of thing could be really helpful to you. I also wanted to add that your parent's are at an age when many couples have to redefine their marriage. They're used to things being a certain way for years, and all of the sudden one is home who usually isn't, the kids are older, etc. This is a common time for problems that have been around for years, to suddenly surface.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You will get some good advice on here, so keep coming back. I see that you joined back in Oct, so I know something has been going on for a good long while. Mabey you are older, but I know from experience that this does not make it any easier dealing w/ this sort of thing. Good luck and let us hear back from you...

[outofdarkness]

Well it looks like my mother has had enough, maybe.

 

We talked last night on the phone and she told me that once she

retires, she's thinking of leaving.

 

Now I've been hearing this for a while and I should be glad she's considering it but I've changed my mind. It feels so wrong because they've been together since early 20s and their in their 50s now.

 

My parents need counseling there's no question but my stubborn selfish father thinks nothings wrong and that my mother is the one that's messed up. Yeah freaking right. It's him all the way and it's getting worse.

 

I don't know but I personally think their not compatable. All their life they worked and barly spent any time together. Now their spending more time and they can't stand each other. Sure sometimes they get along great but my father is just pushing her away and he doesn't care.

 

I personally think he'd love nothing more then to be by himself so he can go online and surf/spend money on God knows what without being caught all day.

 

I know he loves it when she leaves because he gets right on there the moment she gets in the car and right off as soon as she walks thru the door. It's actually sad.

 

Anyhow I know there's nothing I can do but I'm being thrown in the middle because I talked to my father and he told me somethings. It's like their trying to get me to pick sides. I don't want to.

 

I know this shouldn't bug me but it does. I could just sit her and cry like a little kid would. I want to help but I feel like I should stay out of it. If only they would go to MC. I think things would be better.

 

I knew having a good day yesterday and nothing going wrong meant something.

Ok..I see now that you are older from your post...As I said, that doesn't make it any easier, but since you are away and older, you really need to keep your distance as far as your parent's marriage is concerned. Try to find someone to talk to..If you are in college, most have counseling available..Please try this. Good luck to you again..

 

PS...I think giving your Mom a hug at ANY time is a wonderful thing! We LOVE to get those hugs! Even if they're cyber hugs...And the cards go over really well...You don't have to say anything about your concerns, just show them that you are thinking of them and love them...

[IpAncA]

Hi,

I'm not saying that both of your parent's haven't contributed to the demise of the marriage, but from reading your post, it sounds like your Father is up to no good on the internet.

 

No he's not. I've seen some of the things and I dislike it VERY much. He also has a spending problem. Recently spend a grand on stuff but it doesn't total up IMO. What he bought doesn't come to a grand. Maybe like 200 or something.

 

Unfortunately, you can't MAKE your Father do or say anything, or you Mother for that matter either.

 

I know I can't. I just hate standing on the side.

 

I also wanted to add that your parent's are at an age when many couples have to redefine their marriage. They're used to things being a certain way for years, and all of the sudden one is home who usually isn't, the kids are older, etc. This is a common time for problems that have been around for years, to suddenly surface.

 

You are 100% right. This is exactly what's going on.

 

I'm not sure if I should be mad, sad, or happy. I think I'm all of that.

 

Part of me is mad at my father because he thinks this is a game. He jokes a lot and take is WAY to far. And I do mean that.

 

I also feel horrible because when I lived at home this started and I knew what he was going and I just ignored it. Sometimes I would cover up for him in hopes that it would go away. I feel really bad for doing that.

[outofdarkness]

No he's not. I've seen some of the things and I dislike it VERY much. He also has a spending problem. Recently spend a grand on stuff but it doesn't total up IMO. What he bought doesn't come to a grand. Maybe like 200 or something.

 

 

 

I know I can't. I just hate standing on the side.

 

 

 

You are 100% right. This is exactly what's going on.

 

I'm not sure if I should be mad, sad, or happy. I think I'm all of that.

 

Part of me is mad at my father because he thinks this is a game. He jokes a lot and take is WAY to far. And I do mean that.

 

I also feel horrible because when I lived at home this started and I knew what he was going and I just ignored it. Sometimes I would cover up for him in hopes that it would go away. I feel really bad for doing that.

Unfortunately, self blame on the child's part is very common when things are not brought out in the open and dealt with appropriately. This is precisely why I am always so outspoken in threads that deal with this particular subject. I firmly believe that children should be told the truth and the put into professional therapy to deal w/ their feelings..I blamed myself for my parent's problems until I found out what he was REALLY doing when I was 35 years old. All of those years, he blamed me and I believed it. YOU are NOT at fault here...There was nothing you could have done while still living at home. If you parent's cannot be adult enough to deal w/their problems and come clean w/ you, there is nothing you can do...You can be there for each of them individually, but stay out of their marriage. My guess is that eventually, the stuff will hit the fan and something will jolt them into dealing w/ this one way or another.

In the mean time, you are so young..Have fun, enjoy your friends, school, etc...and try to stay neutral....Look for someone that you trust to talk to about this. It would really help you to get some sound professional advice, or at the very least some advice from a trusted friend who might know your family...Maybe a physician? Minister? Let us know how things are going...Good Luck.

[IpAncA]

My guess is that eventually, the stuff will hit the fan and something will jolt them into dealing w/ this one way or another.

In the mean time, you are so young..Have fun, enjoy your friends, school, etc...and try to stay neutral....Look for someone that you trust to talk to about this. It would really help you to get some sound professional advice, or at the very least some advice from a trusted friend who might know your family...Maybe a physician? Minister? Let us know how things are going...Good Luck.

 

I don't think it's my fault. I just feel horrible because I shouldn't have covered it up like that. Feel like I was just as bad.

 

Yes the stuff will hit the fan and I do think they will have to deal with it.

 

She doesn't believe in divorce so maybe this is just all talk. Been all talk for a couple of months but it gets worse each time.

 

I do have support so I'm good there.

 

However thanks for replying. I appreciate it.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm sorry to hear about this but since you've been on LS for awhile, you know this is between the two of them. While you love and care about both of them, as a child in the past and as an adult now, there's nothing you can do about it. Both parties have to strongly want to fix the problems which doesn't appear to be the case.

 

From the sounds of it, sadly enough, your mother might be happier without your father. Would you begrudge her chance for happiness?

[IpAncA]

I'm sorry to hear about this but since you've been on LS for awhile, you know this is between the two of them. While you love and care about both of them, as a child in the past and as an adult now, there's nothing you can do about it. Both parties have to strongly want to fix the problems which doesn't appear to be the case.

 

From the sounds of it, sadly enough, your mother might be happier without your father. Would you begrudge her chance for happiness?

 

Yes I know.

 

It's a little different when your on the other end of it.

 

It's hard for me to just say "oh well, I'll get over it. Time to move on." It's easier to me to tell someone else that but to actually do it, it's another story.

 

I'm VERY VERY VERY close to my parents so I think I've earned the right to be in denial of this for a bit.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes I know.

 

It's a little different when your on the other end of it.

 

It's hard for me to just say "oh well, I'll get over it. Time to move on." It's easier to me to tell someone else that but to actually do it, it's another story.

 

I'm VERY VERY VERY close to my parents so I think I've earned the right to be in denial of this for a bit.

I'm sorry if you took my post as criticism. It wasn't intended as such.

[IpAncA]

I'm sorry if you took my post as criticism. It wasn't intended as such.

 

No it's fine. Don't worry about it.

 

I should be the one to say sorry.

 

Should have seen me earlier. I told my H about it and he let me use him as a sounding post. Normally he doesn't do that.

[IpAncA]

So yeah I got done talking to my mom and get this...their going on vacation next month. WTF gives????

 

Ugh...I'm sick of this crap.

[outofdarkness]

So yeah I got done talking to my mom and get this...their going on vacation next month. WTF gives????

 

Ugh...I'm sick of this crap.

Try to stay out of it at this point. Mabey this is a positive sign and means that they are making at least some effort to improve their M. Also, you don't know the ins and outs of their M..You may THINK you know everything, but you don't. Every couple has private things just between them..AND, as parent's, our natural instinct is to protect our kids. They may have actually seen a therapist, or just talked amongst themselves and decided their M was worth working on. There are TONS of posts on LS where a M seems hopeless, self deprecating, and well..just plain stupid to others, but for some reason, some couples are able to forgive and forget and begin anew...

 

Enjoy your own life right now and try to stay out of whatever is going on w/ your parent's..If one of them tries to involve you again, my advice at this point, since they're going back and forth, would be to say that you just want to stay neutral...Good luck and keep posting!

[IpAncA]

Try to stay out of it at this point. Mabey this is a positive sign and means that they are making at least some effort to improve their M. Also, you don't know the ins and outs of their M..You may THINK you know everything, but you don't. Every couple has private things just between them..AND, as parent's, our natural instinct is to protect our kids. They may have actually seen a therapist, or just talked amongst themselves and decided their M was worth working on. There are TONS of posts on LS where a M seems hopeless, self deprecating, and well..just plain stupid to others, but for some reason, some couples are able to forgive and forget and begin anew...

 

Enjoy your own life right now and try to stay out of whatever is going on w/ your parent's..If one of them tries to involve you again, my advice at this point, since they're going back and forth, would be to say that you just want to stay neutral...Good luck and keep posting!

 

I have no idea what their doing TBH. I guess their going other places over the summer too so well see. She's all excited about it.

 

It's like one day the crap hits the fan. Then the next couple of days it's like nothing happend and so on. This keeps repeating itself over and over.

 

I am staying out of it. Actually I'd like this to go away. I don't even want to hear about it but I still feel bad because I know what goes on and I'm not there. When I moved out I felt so bad because she was going to be alone with no one to talk to. Still do sometimes.

[outofdarkness]

I have no idea what their doing TBH. I guess their going other places over the summer too so well see. She's all excited about it.

 

It's like one day the crap hits the fan. Then the next couple of days it's like nothing happend and so on. This keeps repeating itself over and over.

 

I am staying out of it. Actually I'd like this to go away. I don't even want to hear about it but I still feel bad because I know what goes on and I'm not there. When I moved out I felt so bad because she was going to be alone with no one to talk to. Still do sometimes.

You are doing the right thing staying out of it. Let them make their own decisions w/out any input from you. You should not be burdened at all w/ this. Think of the trip this summer as a possible sign of peace, or mabey at the very least, a sign that they ARE communicating. Moving toward resolution is never easy, but it seems like they're making an effort however it turns out.

 

Enjoy your summer, your youth and peace of mind knowing they are dealing w/ things among themselves...Good luck and I'll be thinking of you. You're welcome to PM me anytime if you need support..

[IpAncA]

Well I finally after a LONG time told my mom that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I can't believe I did that.

 

I was talking to her today and she was telling me about her own mother and going on and on. Well I couldn't take it anymore and just came right out and told her that I don't want to her about her problems.

 

I told her to either stay or leave and I didn't really care because I'm so sick of having to hear about it. Honestly I couldn't take it anymore.

 

I don't mind hearing about the other stuff but when it comes to my parents, I can't listen to it no longer. It's driving me nuts.

 

So anyhow now I feel soooooo guilty and bad for telling her that. I know she doesn't have anyone to talk to and I know their situation is bad but I can't be her therapist no longer. I just can't.

 

She won't leave, won't say anything, doesn't know what to do, won't go to IC or MC. I mean HELLO I can't do anything about it. I told her what I thought and I don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't.

 

I told her that I don't know what to say. She then said that she wasn't looking for answers. Well I'm not her vent post.

[Zona76]

That sux.

She has a rotten life and you're just as well telling her you don't give a hoot!

I'm telling you to call her to apologize for a bad day. Tell her you think it's best she and your father both move on with your lives.

Point her in the right direction.

Convince your Dad you're not taking her side. But you feel he too deserves to be happy. Tell them both you will not take sides, but they both need to separate and have a life where they will be happier.

 

I did MY share of complaining to my adult Children and I know I gave them a lot of grief.

BUT they supported me 100% when I decided to end it. They are close with their father as well but know I was very unhappy for a very long time.

So you need to support your folks. They both deserve to have a new life.

If they Balk to beginning a true separation, then tell them to make an appointment for a councilor now!

When Children see a problem such as what you see, it's LONG past time to take that step.

[IpAncA]

That sux.

She has a rotten life and you're just as well telling her you don't give a hoot!

I'm telling you to call her to apologize for a bad day. Tell her you think it's best she and your father both move on with your lives.

Point her in the right direction.

Convince your Dad you're not taking her side. But you feel he too deserves to be happy. Tell them both you will not take sides, but they both need to separate and have a life where they will be happier.

 

I did MY share of complaining to my adult Children and I know I gave them a lot of grief.

BUT they supported me 100% when I decided to end it. They are close with their father as well but know I was very unhappy for a very long time.

So you need to support your folks. They both deserve to have a new life.

If they Balk to beginning a true separation, then tell them to make an appointment for a councilor now!

When Children see a problem such as what you see, it's LONG past time to take that step.

 

It never use to be like this. I don't understand how they've managed to stay together. I mean they have NOTHING in common. Don't even do anything. No hobbies together, nothing. They USE to but that was years ago.

 

To sum it all up he's a selfish, controlling, porn using, verbal abuser. I swear he's like Jeck. and Hyde and I'm not lying.

 

I did talk to her later that night and she sounded fine because she was laughing with my dad. So I didn't bring it up. I care but I don't like hearing about it when nothing is being done.

 

I am against divorce but I dont' see another way.

 

I tried convincing her to just do it but she doesn't see it as grounds for divorce. Only affairs or physical abuse will she leave for sure.

 

So then I suggested MC and yeah that was out of the question. He wouldn't go because he thinks SHE's the one whos messed up.

 

So basically nothing is being done and I get to hear about it ALL the time. And I feel so bad because there is nothing I can say or do to change anything.

 

I mean for crying out loud it's 2 freaking 42 am and I'm on here!

 

I can't even sleep because I know what goes on and I feel sooooooooo bad because I left the hell hole and she didn't.

[outofdarkness]

Well I finally after a LONG time told my mom that I didn't want to hear about it anymore. I can't believe I did that.

 

I was talking to her today and she was telling me about her own mother and going on and on. Well I couldn't take it anymore and just came right out and told her that I don't want to her about her problems.

 

I told her to either stay or leave and I didn't really care because I'm so sick of having to hear about it. Honestly I couldn't take it anymore.

 

I don't mind hearing about the other stuff but when it comes to my parents, I can't listen to it no longer. It's driving me nuts.

 

So anyhow now I feel soooooo guilty and bad for telling her that. I know she doesn't have anyone to talk to and I know their situation is bad but I can't be her therapist no longer. I just can't.

 

She won't leave, won't say anything, doesn't know what to do, won't go to IC or MC. I mean HELLO I can't do anything about it. I told her what I thought and I don't know what to tell her anymore. I don't.

 

I told her that I don't know what to say. She then said that she wasn't looking for answers. Well I'm not her vent post.

No, you're not, and don't let yourself be sucked into it anymore then you already have. I too, was my Mom's sounding post..I can't tell you how much I grew to resent it..NOT HER, just her using ME as her therapist. Don't make yourself available to her in this capacity anymore. You are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions, etc...Give them both your unconditional love and support, but let them know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT be their Marriage Counselor...

[IpAncA]

No, you're not, and don't let yourself be sucked into it anymore then you already have. I too, was my Mom's sounding post..I can't tell you how much I grew to resent it..NOT HER, just her using ME as her therapist. Don't make yourself available to her in this capacity anymore. You are an adult and have the right to make your own decisions, etc...Give them both your unconditional love and support, but let them know in no uncertain terms that you will NOT be their Marriage Counselor...

 

I don't like being used as a sounding post. It's horrible.

 

And no I'm not their MC which is why I didn't see the need for me to listen to it any longer. It's just not something I want to hear because it hurts me.

 

I do still feel bad but not like I did. When I'm talking to her I want to ask how it's going. I do remember talking to her last year and she called me up crying. I felt soooooooooo bad because she didn't have anyone else to talk to. Shoot I could have cried then myself.

 

Anyhow we'll see what happends.

 

Thanks for replying.

[outofdarkness]

I don't like being used as a sounding post. It's horrible.

 

And no I'm not their MC which is why I didn't see the need for me to listen to it any longer. It's just not something I want to hear because it hurts me.

 

I do still feel bad but not like I did. When I'm talking to her I want to ask how it's going. I do remember talking to her last year and she called me up crying. I felt soooooooooo bad because she didn't have anyone else to talk to. Shoot I could have cried then myself.

 

Anyhow we'll see what happends.

 

Thanks for replying.

Hang in there. If you stay unavailable, she'll get help..BUT she doesn't need it as long as she's got you..Of course you feel bad for her and guilty, but that's like a form of abuse, IMO>..I'll be thinking of you...

[IpAncA]

Hang in there. If you stay unavailable, she'll get help..BUT she doesn't need it as long as she's got you..Of course you feel bad for her and guilty, but that's like a form of abuse, IMO>..I'll be thinking of you...

What is? Her using me as her outlet?

[outofdarkness]

What is? Her using me as her outlet?

I'm not really following you..Yes, I believe that she uses you as sort of her therapist...if that's what you were asking..AND, you do need to distance yourself from the whole situation at least for now...hope that helps.