my parents are ridiculous

[dahling]

It's pretty long. But its waayy more important than any relationship problem I'm having.

 

I never thought it was ever the answer to run away. I mean i'm not going to run away or anything, I just want to move out whether they like it or not.

 

I just turned 17. I can't go out ever. They took away my phone, ipod, makeup, jewelry, and i can't wear heels or nailpolish. Basically strip me of everything i have. Things that normal teenage girls have because it make it makes me a whore. And I can't do any of those things until I'm 18. Well my mom says 21, but I'll be able to make my own decisions when I'm 18. So it's not like this is temporary and I should just wait it out like everyone else. Otherwise, I would. And I wouldn't be posting this thread.

 

Now i can't make it look like i'm totally innocent and they're just being evil for no reason. IN THE PAST, I got caught for doing drugs, having sex, sneaking out, and stealing. I had to be picked up a couple times for curfew and shoplifting and my mom read my journal. I guess you could say I'm quite a handful.

 

I haven't done any drugs since last summer, almost a year ago. I don't really do any of those things anymore with the exception of sneaking out and what not. Only because I've been grounded for months and I have a hard time staying home all the time.

 

The boundaries they have set for me are soooo strict which makes it soo easy for me to cross. And when i do cross them, they freak out and think I'm doing horrible things again. For example, (this was before i was restricted from wearing makeup or listening to music) I couldn't sleep one weekend night. It was like 3 in the morning and I was doing my hair and makeup listening to my ipod because I was bored. Then, all of a sudden they come in and just start yelling at me because i was up late and couldn't hear them yelling at me from downstairs. Then they got mad because i had makeup on and they thought i was going out. I really wasnt. And i convinced them of that. But they said that that didn't matter. The point was that no one in their right mind would be doing theyre makeup just because they were bored. That I looked like a whore. That putting on makeup means that i'm still going out and having sex. My dad was yelling and cursing in my face. Then he threw my phone and ipod at the wall making holes in it and breaking my cell phone. And he hit me for the first time. And that was scary..cause he's so buff and all. Funny thing is, I could have gone out that night, but I didnt. And if i did, i probably wouldn't have even gotten in trouble because I wouldn't have had my light on so they wouldn't have came to my room.

 

This happens like all the time. I do something small, and they turn a mole hill into a mountain. I understand them kind of over reacting for all these things because of their experiences with my past actions. But seriously, its been sooo long since I've done anything illegal, which is what they're worried about. I wore make up one day, not too long ago, and my dad just went off saying I must be on drugs.

 

I'd hate to just move out on them, but there's really NOTHING here for me. They aren't providing me anything I can't get from living at my friend's grandmas. All they're giving me is food and shelter. I'll actually have more over there. They took away all my stuff anyways. They arent going to pay for my college anymore, they say that once I'm out of here that I'm on my own. But they won't even let me get a job to save up money. We don't get along and there's constant tension and conflict. They also said that I could never pay them back for what I've done and the only reason I'm here is because I'm not 18 yet and they legally, are responsible for me.

 

I'd be better off at my friends grandma's anyways. She'll check up on me all night to make sure I'm not sneaking out. I'll be drug tested regularly. Things my parents don't do. But she will let me get a job and let me go out with an 8 o'clock curfew. I'll also be able to use a cell phone and wear makeup and jewelry. It sounds strict as well, but it's way more reasonable and a hell of a lot better than living with my parents. It'll be good for me. I can't do ANYTHING here, but my parents don't pay enough attention making it really easy for me to screw up. (but for a while all this bs has just been about the small things)

 

Any other suggestions besides leaving or how I should go about it? I know cannot live like this, and the way things are going, I know I will get in trouble again. And I can't handle going through all this over and over again. You should hear some of the things they say. It's all depressing. This last year has been the worst of my life.

 

I keep telling myself to just wait it out. That things will get better.

But I keep messing up and it has just been getting worse. I wasn't going to ask for advice on this, but I seem to get a lot of good insight on here.

So don't let me down :]

[Guest]

Hi there,

Well, when I was about your age, which was only about 10 years ago, my parents were much the same. They grounded me excessively, for months at a time, and took things away. It know how it feels to have to stay in a house for weeks and weeks with no one to talk to and nothing to do. I do think that is unreasonable, as is not allowing a 17 year old to have any makeup. But....

 

From their point of view, how do they know you have stopped doing those things? I'm sure they have every reason to suspect that you would lie. They must be awfully worried about you. It's because they so desperately don't want anything bad to happen to you that they over react like that.

 

I think that you should talk to them and try to negotiate a time period when you can have, say your ipod and makeup again. Find out exactly what the boundaries of your punishment are and try to make a deal. "If I don't do ANYTHING to violate the rules for a month, I can wear makeup and go out as long as I come home early (8:00, before dark, whatever)?" You will have to prove yourself in little increments. It is not always a good idea to move out the second you legally can.

 

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17, and for a while at first I lived with a friend's family. It is not so easy as you think to get a job when you don't have any job experience. Unlike your parents, it's not your friend's grandma's responsibility to provide for you. You will find it's hard to make enough money to live on without being a strain on her.

 

Yes, it is wrong and mean for them to yell and say you are acting like a whore. I remember my mom saying the exact same thing to me, and it really hurt my feelings. But you have to remember that parents are human too, they can be unfair too because when emotions are high we all act unreasonably. The very best thing to do would be to introduce as much calm logic as possible. A little positive reinforcement is necessary along with the punishment. I would push for seeing a family counselor if calm talks are too hard. I think that would help out a ton. Sometimes that is what it took for me too, growing up, for my family to communicate well.

[quankanne]

I'll tell you what I told my niece when she was your age and having problems with her mom/my sister:

 

you didn't come with an instruction manual, and your folks, while they mean well, don't know how to deal with the crap you flick at them. It's not that they don't love you, but more like because they're overwhelmed at what's happened before that their normal responses seem to have disappeared. And THEY'RE the ones making things worse by not keeping a sane head.

 

you're old enough to know right from wrong, and you're old enough to know that sometimes, you have take the lead when it comes to acting maturely. If you want their poor treatment of you to stop, you're going to have to prove that you can be trusted. And that's going to be a hard, hard thing to do. But, not impossible. This is your opportunity to reveal the maturity you've gained in the past year, show them that you're not the same irresponsible girl they dealt with then.

 

you say that your friend's granny will drug test you and give you a curfew to ensure up her trust of you. Why not offer your parents the same reassurance? Work with them to set up boundaries that you both can agree on – schoolnight and weekend curfews, having friends over, attending certain events, access to phones/computers/vehicles, drug testing, etc. As much as it probably grates on your nerves to have to be mature when they're the ones who should be, you've got to remember that huge bank of trust you started out with is really, really low on funds. And I imagine all the hurtful things they've been spewing at you is because they don't know how else to communicate their hurt over your past behavior.

 

so before you throw in the towel, before you go off chasing butterflies in someone else's pastures, try seriously to communicate with them about how you feel about things, and about how you've tried hard to be a better person. Believe me, when you keep your cool and play the maturity card, adults can't help but follow suit, because they start seeing they've got something to work with, you know?

 

I don't doubt that you're a good kid who wants to do the right thing, so drop the "my folks don't understand me" bit, because that dog don't bite. You got yourself in this situation, and you have the opportunity to correct it before you take the drastic measure of leaving home. When your parents stop feeling things with you are hopeless, they'll start responding accordingly. However, it's up to you to take the first step because they probably don't even know how to begin to do so. Like I said, you didn't come with an instruction manual ...

 

good luck, and keep us posted,

q

[dahling]

drop the "my folks don't understand me" bit, because that dog don't bite.

 

Im pretty sure they don't. Actually, they've told me straight up that they don't understand me. They grew up totally differently, not just in a different generation, but a different culture, theyre from china and the phillipines. They'll say things like we never went through this when we were kids and no one else is like you, youre one of the only ones that do this kind of stuff. I've tried explaining why i did the things i did the best way I could when they asked and they just didnt get it. They couldn't understand, so much to the point where they thought i was posessed. My mom's words were 'there must be a ghost in you, that's why you're doing this' my dad was like 'of course, like a ghost!' Haha

Kid's are always complaining that their parents don't understand them or that they're just ruining their lives, but I know I know better than that. I'm not that naive. I know most parent's intentions mean well and they just want the best for their kids. (and I only say most because I know quite a few people whose drug addicted parents really don't give a s--t)

 

So communicating with them is nearly impossible. I can never get a word in edge wise. My opinion really doesnt matter to them and they just take it as me talking back to them. I've already tried talking to them rationally. I've even written letters.

 

I'll try tonight though. And I think I'm going to print out the replys I got saying it was from some online advice column at school (sounds better than saying it was from some random forum, right?) I'll show that to them since they don't ever listen to me and you know how people look at things differently when someone else says it.

 

So... i guess we'll see what happens from there

[dahling]

I tried talking to them. I showed the the papers i printed out. It didnt work. It meant nothing to her because she's too dumb to understand anything. They just screamed in my face some more and nothing was accomplished.

 

f--k it already. i give up.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

So this isn't just a parent teen issue, it is also cross cultural, which adds another cog.

 

First of all honey, sometimes when people are doing things that hurt us and lead us to believe that they do not care or understand "us" we wish for one moment that they could just see something from OUR perspective. Gosh, I know I do! I want to tell you a story from MY perspecitve.

 

For 18 years I have spent 24/7 on my most important job, a God-given job, of raising my 18 year old daughter. My biggest dream is for her to become successful, independant, responsible, and empathetic of those around her. It has been my job to teach, counsel, discipline, and love her. My biggest fear and enemy in life is anything that theatens my hopes for her (whether she sees them as threats or not!)

 

Its hard to see it from where you stand but your parents aren't necissarily punishing you as much as they are trying to ensure the future for you that they have devoted their lives to giving you the tools to achieve. I also imagine that it scares them to see you becoming a part of a culture that I'm sure they have little respect for.

 

Maybe if you can, for a minute, see it from their perspective then YOU will gain true understanding of t heir motives which might keep you from fighting them so fiercely on every thing! In turn they may reward your achievements with some understanding of their own.

 

Keep in mind that your long term well being is their motive, these are VERY important years for you, as your actions at this age often determine the direction your life will take. They are on your team because t hey want yuo to win, think about joining them in the game!

[Sheba]

I have teenaged children, dahling.

 

I am sure your parents are trying to do the right thing and that they are overwhelmed and confused. They are also wrong. But then, so were you.

 

You should not have stolen, used drugs, been sneaky, had sex. I bet you knew that you were doing wrong when you were doing all of that. Your parents are frightened for you because you did these things. They are scared you will get hurt.

 

You need to reassure them. You need to convince them you see the errors of your old ways and will not follow that path again.

 

I am sure that your parents love you. Trust me, there is no love in the world as powerful as the love a parent has for their child. I think your parents have made some bad parenting choices because of their love for you and fear for you.

 

Your parents need to loosen the ties and recognize the reality of the culture they chose to live in and to raise you in. Of course it is different than their experience. It is a different time and a different place.

 

Wearing makeup does not make you a whore. I am very sorry to hear that such a thing was said to you. That was a terrible thing for your parents to say to you. You are not a whore.

 

Your father should not have hit you. That was wrong. If he ever raises his hand to you again, get out and find a safe adult and tell them. I don't care what you have done, your father must not hit you.

 

Listening to music, wearing the makeup clothes of your generation, wanting to spend time with your friends - all of these things are legitamite expectations on your part. Your parents should allow you to participate in the ordinary youth culture that you live in.

 

You need to try to negotiate with them for terms that allow them to feel you are safe. You need to earn their trust and they need to give you a chance to do that. That means that you should get to go out with your friends, but you have to tell them where you are going, who you are going with, what you are doing and when you will be home. And, all of the information you give them must be entirely true and you must come home exactly when you say you will come home.

 

A cell phone that you keep turned on and answer at all times is a good way for them to feel safe.

 

Try to keep in mind that you are not entitled to disregard their worries and to brush off your past mistakes. Recognizing that you owe it to them to report your whereabouts and activities should help. Recognizing that your past conduct contributed to these circumstances should help.

 

If your parents continue to want to keep you inside and restrict you from the usual activities of a young person, despite your efforts to negotiate reasonably and reassure them, your choice to move out to live with your friend's grandma may make sense. It won't be easy though. You will need to grow up very quickly.

 

I wish you well, dahling.

[quankanne]

from some online advice column at school

 

:p well, if you accessed it while at school, that'll work!!!

 

ah, I owe you a bit of an apology here – I didn't realize you also had a cultural factor thrown in to the mix, and that changes things some. I now understand why your folks are responding with the intensity they have ...

 

you may be able to use this cultural factor as you show them the ways in which you've taken responsibility for your actions & how you've matured. Do you have anyone who they trust and who you trust who will be a kind of liaison? It would be easier for that person to point out things about you in an unbiased but honest manner and help your parents cut through the emotionalism of their response, while serving as kind of an interpreter to you about adult behavior.

 

other thought is to dig into their respective cultures and see how these kinds of issues are resolved: If traditionally, a youth acted out and was meted punishment, what did that punishment consist of, and for how long? I imagine that it's confusing to them being in a foreign culture where everything they value is thrown out the window, and approaching them on "their territory" and using cultural references they're able to understand might help you make a lot of headway. Because my guess is that they've had their biggest fear come true – they've lost their child to a foreign culture. Especially in light of what if wishes said, and they've "devoted their lives to giving you the tools to achieve" the only way they know how ...

 

hang in there, kiddo – you'll break through that barrier, even if you must be creative about it.

 

hugs,

q