fallendisguise Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I'm in a bit of a predictament. (Please see these links for background info Should I walk away? and It feels like I'm going to be single forever... ) Sorry I'm probably not linking right. Anyhow, I got sent home from work today for being sick. So my friend that I had FWB with for the past couple of years comes over and brings me chicken noodle soup. So we hung out for awhile and inevitably the FWB comes up and him saying he stills wants to and me still saying its not a good idea. He goes into how he misses the way things were and he misses seeing me. His sister has been in town all week. So after he leaves he calls and he asks if there is something we can do to work this out. He says he still isn't ready for a relationship and doesn't feel that it is the right time. He then says he can all too easily jump back into "this is why I don't want relationship" way of thinking. He's just not ready emotionally. And I understand that. I've been there before. I said that before everything started happening I would've been open to taking baby steps and "dating." That way he gets the benefits, and I get the emotional side of it by him being affectionate and showing his feelings. I said that he would have to have feelings to begin with in order to do this. He said that he could do it but that he doesn't want me to think this is a guarantee that later we'll have a relationship. I then said there are no guarantees in life. I said that if we did decide to do it maybe 6 months from now we would sit down and go over how it is going. Does he feel like he is ready to have a relationship yet or how is he feeling? If he says that he feels it is going good but still isn't ready, then maybe we'll try it for another 6 months and do the same. And if at that time he still doesn't want one then we need to cut our losses and move on. So we both said we would think about it. We've both admitted that we are more than friends, but the hang up is him not wanting the relationship. It's not a physical commitment thing because we've both been physically commited to each other the last couple years. In a sense, we had a relationship just no label and I wasn't getting enough of the emotional side of it. I wanted more. I feel like he thinks that if we get in one it is going to turn into what his last one is like. Like I'm going to change after a few months and all we start doing is arguing and I turn psycho on him or something. I'm at that point where I can move on even though I would like things to change. I'm just not sure if this is a good idea or not? I know it isn't going to be a relationship but I feel that if we take the next step and he realizes it isn't so bad then maybe down the road after he's had a little more time he'll realize it's not going to be what he is thinking it is and won't be bad at all and be ready to take the next step after that. I know he realizes that it wouldn't be bad because he says things like we'd be perfect together and if he was ready and wanted one he'd have it with me and yada yada. I think it's more of a mental block for him. I just don't want to feel the way I felt before. What do you think? Good idea or bad idea? Sorry for the long post. I would like some feedback before I talk to him about this again. Oh yeah, and he said this is kind of scary. Which it kind of is for me too in a way.
jcster Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 "I feel that if we take the next step and he realizes it isn't so bad then maybe down the road after he's had a little more time he'll realize it's not going to be what he is thinking it is and won't be bad at all and be ready to take the next step after that." Amazing how logical a progression that seems to be, isn't it? Unfortunately, it never works out that way. He already said that he doesn't want a relationship - he doesn't even want to date for fear of leading you on. So, there you are. You said you wanted more, and he said you couldn't have it. You will not be happy if you go back to your previous setup.
Aloros Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 My instinct is to say it is a bad idea. Is this guy really worth it, to you? You've had FWB for two years, and he hasn't wanted a relationship. He still doesn't feel like he is ready for a relationship. You're hoping to ease him into it and that he will change his mind. Entering into a relationship with the expectation of changing someone is one of the worst things you can do. I feel like you're setting yourself up to get hurt. You're more than friends, but if he really wanted you like that, wouldn't he pursue you? He sounds like he may be committment-phobic. Do you really want to be the one that is trying to convince him that committment is really ok, with no certainty as to the outcome, when there are plenty of guys out there who don't have this problem? A guy like this could really crush your self-esteem. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't see you and him as "worth" taking that next scary step to relationship status? I tell my bf jokingly that he's around to adore me, but I kind of do mean it (and he knows this). I think everyone deserves to be with someone who's crazy about them. On the other hand, is he worth so much to you that if you don't pursue this, you will be wondering "what if" for the rest of your life? Please think this over very carefully. He's had two years. How much more time do you want to give him? Your time is precious. Don't you want to give it to someone who's head-over-heels about you? Good luck.
Author fallendisguise Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Thank you both. I guess I need to hear that it is a bad idea. I re-read my post and it does sound like something I'm trying to convince him to do. And in my gut I have that feeling that things would be ok for a month but then it would go back into the me wanting more thing. And I don't want to have that kind of hurt all the time. I guess the thing I get hung up on is how great we are (aside from the relationship thing) and that he always makes those comments that we would be perfect together and all of that. I've told a few close friends throughout the last few years the ups and downs, good and bad. And they all say we're together, he has feelings, he isn't ready to take the next step, and I need to decide if it's really worth it. I guess it's hard for me because I've pretty much spent the last 2 1/2 years with this guy. He's my best friend, he's a good guy, and we're extremely compatible. There isn't anything that I don't like about him to make me not want to be with him. Yes, I deserve someone who adores me and who can't wait to be with me. I realize that. And I also realize that even though there isn't anything bad about him it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want a relationship. I guess I'm grasping for straws... is that the saying? Probably not....lol. I've never been in a situation where I've managed to fall in love with someone and them not love me back. I see it. I understand it. And I'm getting there... I cut the benefits. I just need to take the next mental step and not hope for things that aren't going to happen. My mind is telling me what I need to do and what is right to do (move on), but my heart tells me something completely different. Thank you for the posts. I needed to read that, so that I don't make this mistake all over again.
StayClose Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Sounds like FWB is the new relationship, at least for you.
Author fallendisguise Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 I'm not sure exactly what you mean. Is the FWB new to me or is doing the "dating" thing with him a new relationship for me? This is my first time having a FWB situation and it is for him too. He's been in 3 long term relationships and I've been in two. So that was something new to the both of us and we've both said it's a last. I know at least for myself that is true. I don't ever want to put myself into this kind of situation again or be on the other end saying I'm the one who doesn't want more. I've learned that ultimately one or both people are going to get hurt. As far as the "dating" thing being a new relationship to me.. I guess in a way it could be. When we did the FWB thing we saw each other 3-4 times a week, talked on the phone everyday, shared all of our major and meaningful moments together so in a way it was like a relationship except that we didn't do the mushy stuff. So when I brought up the dating thing it was more like having FWB but having the mushy stuff too. I asked a couple of close friends about it and they all say to go for it. So I'm really pretty torn right now. I can see both sides and I'm stuck staring down the middle....
Author fallendisguise Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 I wanted to add one more thing... and I know it is probably seriously annoying that I am beating the crap out of this thing... but maybe this will explain why I have such a hard time with this whole thing... last night he text me last night while he's in class to say he adores me.. then this morning at work he calls me up and for 20 minutes proceeds to tell me how great I am and how much he respects me and why he thinks those things and how he doesn't think that way about anyone else and how he adores me (again). THIS is why I go back and forth on this. THIS is why I think that he doesn't want the relationship because of the label and he fears it will change things and they won't be great anymore. THIS is why I thought okay maybe the dating thing could ease him into being okay with more. I even posted last week asking why he says this stuff if he doesn't want a relationship. Yeah we're best friends and we're really close, but do you regularly call up your best friend maybe every other day to tell him/her how awesome you think they are??? I'm banging my head against the wall on this... I really am. AND the thing that gets me, is he's so paranoid about leading me on... but yet he knows that we're both in the process of thinking the dating thing over and he calls me to tell me all this during that time???? I'm sick of hearing myself talk about this... maybe I'm clueless.. I just don't understand this whole thing. He doesn't want to be with anyone else only me but doesn't want the relationship... geez how did I get myself in this mess?? Oh yeah, it's cuz I decided to have FWB! (I'm being sarcastic sorry).
Author fallendisguise Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Last thing I promise - I'm annoying myself and am coming across as being obsessive over the whole thing.. we just talked on the phone and the dating thing came up (he brought it up, I didn't say a peep about it). He admitted to having feelings for me and being able to see himself with me. He asked what kind of "obligations" came with "dating"... All I said is that I want him to show me the feelings he has and if works great and if it's too much then we need to move on... At this point he started freaking out.. I actually asked him if he was going to have a panic attack or something.. so we changed the subject and talked about other stuff. I guess I'm coming to the sad conclusion that this is the best it's going to get. It's taken 2 1/2 years to get him to admit he has feelings for me. At first I felt like we were making progress.. but now I just feel pathetic.
Aloros Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 *hugs!* It's not your fault he has these emotional and committment problems. It's not your fault for believing he might change; his statements have really been leading you on. But the sad fact is that if he's not ready to step up to a relationship with you, then there is little to nothing you can do to change his mind. He has to do that on his own. So what do you do? Move on. If he changes his mind, and you're still interested, great. If not, then at least you're not still stuck with these feelings for him, unable to move on to something that will offer you more. What he has to give is simply not enough for you. I know it's sad, and I know you're hurting, but you've got to stick to your guns and do what will make you happy. Trust me, there will be great guys out there who will tell you how much they adore you, how much they respect and admire you, how lucky they are to be with you.
Author fallendisguise Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Thanks Aloros. After I posted I thought about it. It's taken that long for him just to admit that he has feelings and the fact that he was so freaked out about the "dating" thing, just made me feel like I just need to step away from it. It's taken that long to admit that - god knows how longs its going to take him to be "emotionally" ready for more. 10 years?? Lol. I remember a time when I would wish for him to say that. I would have thought it would have made me feel so happy, but yet it just made the realization of it all that much more sad. Yeah, I'm crazy about him. But the fact that he is so clearly freaked out about showing his feelings is NOT GOOD. His birthday is coming up in about 2 months and we have tickets to go out and celebrate and I think that I'm just going to tell him in the mean time that we need to take time off. That way I can try to move on emotionally (even though I know it will take much longer than that) and he'll get over the FWB and hopefully not feel the need to say that anymore. It hurts like hell. I've been in crap relationships and always believed the grass was greener and since I've fallen for him the grass is greener. I know I'm probably going to go back and forth on this a little bit more. I just hope that I'm strong enough to stick to the way I'm thinking right now and not give in. No matter how much I try to rationalize it... it's just not going to work. I just pray I can stick to that. I deserve to be loved back. I just wish it hadn't turned out this way. Thank you for your support and advice. I do really appreciate it and at this point really needed it. Thank you.
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