RaeRaeRae Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I'm going to try and make this as short and painless as possible for everyone. My boyfriend and I met 6 months ago while I was on vacation in his country. I was seeing someone else at the time. When I got home, I wasn't sure if a long distance relationship would work. Okay if it did, okay if it didn't. Well, Jay and I have been talking everyday since then. I have been back to see him twice after our first meeting. (3 times total) He can't come see me without a visa. We have fallen in love with each other. He tells me things he doesn't have to. Personal things. We talk about EVERYTHING. I've met his family, had some very intense (in a good way) conversations with his mother and sister, met and hung out with his friends, loved alot, fought some and been through just about every emotion anyone can feel. We have even talked about marriage. I completely and totally trust him. We have been in situations in his country that would make some uneasy. I feel so safe with him. He is a hard worker, very serious about his job, wants to get ahead, (not easy in the very poor country that he lives) is dedicated and a leader. He had a great job that just ended a week ago. The new project doesn't start for another MONTH! Which means 5 weeks out of work. No unemployment where he is from! Here's the problem: MY BOYFRIEND ASKED ME FOR MONEY!!! Not just a small amount either. $700.00 for title, taxes, renewal or insurance on his vehicle. I'm not sure which one of these it is, because as soon as he "asked" I had a ringing in my ears, felt my heart drop and felt physically ill. Now I'm questioning our whole relationship. Our future that we've talked about. I'm questioning everything. That, in itself, must say something for what I believe we had/have. Am I overreacting? Now I'm replaying everything that we've been through. Is he really just asking me to help him? Or has this been his intentions all along? I'm not rich, by any means. But compared to him, yea-I can see where it would look that way to him. I don't have the money, and even if I did-it just feels weird sending him money. Am I being "used"? This is somewhat the way he "asked" me: ~I don't have the money to pay for my title, taxes, renewal or insurance on my vehicle. It's due on XXX date. I may have to depend on you for the money. I may be able to come up with $300.00 if you could come up with the rest...~ I got off the phone rather quickly with him after that. What am I suppossed to say to him when he calls later tonight? He called me earlier today, and I purposely didn't pick up because I'm truely at a loss right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. Someone help!
Trialbyfire Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 If you're uncomfortable about it, all you have to do is to tell him you don't have any to spare right now, as you have some major bills coming up. A car is not a necessity. You are not sharing a life with this guy yet and maybe never. Until you're more committed, as in living together or married, you own him no financial support.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 If he had such a great job before he should have been smart enough to save money for when the project was over. Surely he knew it wasn't a permanent job and there may be an "inbetween" period where he wasn't working and making money. If he brings up the money issue again, yeah, you just have to tell him you don't have any extra money (which it sounds like is true anyway.) If he breaks up with you because you won't support him financially, then it is for the best because you know his intentions and love aren't genuine.
Author RaeRaeRae Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Thank you both so much for replying. I agree with you both on what you wrote. We are NOT married, nor do we share anything as far as money goes. We never have, and I don't plan on it anytime in the near future. Teddy and Jane-I completely agree with you on your response about him saving. Up until this little "problem", we have only really NOT seen eye-to-eye on one subject. And that is him "helping" his family. He words it as helping. Nope, he SUPPORTS them. I've seen the exchange of money! That being said, not only does he support them, but he somehow found a way to save money. He used his savings to buy this vehicle. His job was suppossed to be secure. Even thought the project ended, his employer was going to put him somewhere else. Didn't happen. So, it DID end unexpectedly. Thank you both. I just got off the phone with him. I told him I didn't have the money. He said he understood and told me not to worry. He will find a way. Then he went on as if it was no big deal. I guess I just think too much about he and I...just kinda' waiting for a bomb to drop. Looking for "something". Anyone know what I mean?
Zona76 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 When I first met my husband, (we'd met on-line) he'd sometimes hint that he was short on paying a bill here and there and he'd never ask... but I'd let it slide. One vacation... his turn to visit me, he was coming up short and still didn't ask... I simply sent him a check for half and never mentioned it till he got the letter and called me crying his thanks. I told him I just wanted to see proof he was coming... so together we went online and found the best flight plan and he booked it...sending me the confirmation. In his final move to me we were working on how he was going to drive all that way with the cat. I sent him $500. to cover the vet bills, health certificate and flight. When he asked me why? I explained she's my cat too. But this is me. I had some extra and wanted my man with me. He's not a spendthrift and neither am I.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 When I first met my husband, (we'd met on-line) he'd sometimes hint that he was short on paying a bill here and there and he'd never ask... but I'd let it slide. One vacation... his turn to visit me, he was coming up short and still didn't ask... I simply sent him a check for half and never mentioned it till he got the letter and called me crying his thanks. I told him I just wanted to see proof he was coming... so together we went online and found the best flight plan and he booked it...sending me the confirmation. In his final move to me we were working on how he was going to drive all that way with the cat. I sent him $500. to cover the vet bills, health certificate and flight. When he asked me why? I explained she's my cat too. But this is me. I had some extra and wanted my man with me. He's not a spendthrift and neither am I. I guess. But how is he doing financially now? I would never date a broke guy.
Author RaeRaeRae Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Zona76-I believe that you did what you felt was right at the time. I personally don't have the money to send him. Yes, it's true-if I REALLY HAD to come up with the money, I could. But I don't look at it that way. If $700.00 was nothing to me, then I would send it in a heart-beat. But it's ALOT to me. I'm trying to pay everything off and be debt-free (not including my house) within the next year. It takes commitment to not spend. I guess I'm looking at this as a test of sorts. To see how he can manage to get things paid without my help. See how he handles the situation. I know that I hate the fact that he GIVES his family money when no one else works. But that is a choice that he has made. Work hard, have SOME stuff and give your family the rest..when he could be saving for a future and "living" a little more. I truely believe that this is what he was raised thinking. That when the time comes, it's up to him to provide for his family. HOWEVER he has a younger brother who, in his words, is a loser. So, I guess it doesn't just "move down the line" with the boys. I'd LOVE to see this other brother "take over", but it's just not going to happen. This is the one issue bothers me and will need to be discussed more in depth if we decide to marry or live together. But, once again, we are not married or sharing our money. Zona76-you seem like a strong woman who goes for what she wants. We all just do stuff differently, I guess. Thanks for your advice and story.
BohemeRose Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I have sent my boyfriend money before, about $400 to help him with his new apartment...but the big difference is, I offered it...he didn't ask me for it. I can see why you'd be a bit put off but, maybe you can try and help him think of other ways to come up with the money. It might be that he feels he's run out of resources and you were a last resort. But the big point is, if you feel uncomfortable, don't send a dime. My boyfriend lives far, but not far enough that if he tried to take my money and run I couldn't drive my @$$ over the border and track him down for it! (Me= US, Him=Canada) That, and I'm in good with his mom. If you think he could take the money and disappear on you, and really think he'd do it, keep your money to yourself. </ramble>
Author RaeRaeRae Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 BohemeRose-you are too funny! No, I'm not worried about him taking the money and running! The way you worded something was "right on" though. I guess I was very put off by the whole thing. I know this sounds "old fashioned" but I was raised to believe that women should be taken care of in every sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm very independent, own my own home, own my own business, etc. But I just don't feel that women should be handing money to men. I can understand if a husband and wife, or fiance'and fiancee' who share things together help each other out financially, but I'm just not to that point right now.
Guest Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I asked my online boyfriend of 9 years (whom I've never met) for money once when my family was in a tight spot, and that day he paypalled me $1100 without hesitation. I paid him back slowly, but I did. I wouldn't be put off if my boyfriend asked for money, stuff happens..
BohemeRose Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 BohemeRose-you are too funny! No, I'm not worried about him taking the money and running! The way you worded something was "right on" though. I guess I was very put off by the whole thing. I know this sounds "old fashioned" but I was raised to believe that women should be taken care of in every sense. Don't get me wrong, I'm very independent, own my own home, own my own business, etc. But I just don't feel that women should be handing money to men. I can understand if a husband and wife, or fiance'and fiancee' who share things together help each other out financially, but I'm just not to that point right now. My boyfriend pretty much has that same mentality. Which is why I pretty much had to shove the money down his throat when I offered it. And he did pay me back, so it wasn't like I was really supporting him at all, really. God forbid, that might put a dent in his manly ego, lol. It's really all a matter of what you're comfortable with. In general, no, I wouldn't be terribly quick to hand my money over but it seemed like a one time deal so I didn't mind too much.
4whatItsWorth Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I know that I hate the fact that he GIVES his family money when no one else works. But that is a choice that he has made. Not to sound negative...but how long in the future will it last if you have problems with him paying for his family? This isn't gonna stop just because you marry the guy. Personally, I'd think it is nice of him but would never be able to live with a guy like that. He'd have to prioritize the family he eventually got with me. They should get their own money - just cos they raised him doesn't mean he owes them his life. Also, if he's asked now - he'll ask again. Perhaps his mom will want to buy a car - he can't afford and will ask for YOU to helo him out? If you say no - he could become resentful. ESPECIALLY if you live together with same savings account. This could become a MAJOR issue. I'd think twice. $700 000 for 5 weeks? You gotta be kidding me. I am a student and anybody who has been one should know that you can survive on a limited budget when it comes to most things. Don't ever give a guy that sort of money - it sounds extremely fishy. $500 is the most I'd contribute with and not a dime above that. It's kind of rude he could even ask for such a sum and then act all casual about it!!! He should NEVER have asked you in the first place. ..but, that's just my view.
Texan Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 From a male perspective (and realizing some might construe this to mean that I don't want to bruise my ego... haha), as a general rule I do not ask women for money... now, on the other hand, I have on many occasions sent cash to my SO without reservation... I guess it breaks down to about 50-50 as to whether it was requested or not. On the other hand, I have had times where my SO literally (as someone above put it) had her "shove money down my throat". I didn't feel that it was necessary as I could work out a way to cover the expense (work overtime, get a second job, whatever), but she/they always felt they were giving back to the relationship. For me, it comes down to this... is it a regular thing? Are they always asking or is it a rare occurrence. For example, my current GF is in a bind and I am assisting her in paying off some bills... we've talked about her moving to Texas and she wants to eventually, but wants to get her finances in order there so as not to come here with a load of bills that, as she put it, I might feel obligated to pay off... (I am very strong in my opinion that I will be debt free. I prefer to pay cash for everything and if I can't afford it, I don't need it.) While she is right up to a point (I would probably be helping pay them down for her), it's isn't a requirement for us. If I didn't, she wouldn't just up and drop the relationship... again, it comes down to intentions. If she were simply using me to help pay off her bills, she knows the relationship would be over. It's never a simple question when it comes to money. We've all been burned at some point in our lives and money always seems to be one of the big issues. Bottom line, if you don't feel comfortable sending money, don't. Period. End of statement. If the relationship is based on that, it wasn't there to begin with. (Just my own two cents...) Best wishes on the future... (and btw, I'm probably the old fogey on this place. Age 50 and still looking myself.)
Author RaeRaeRae Posted April 28, 2007 Author Posted April 28, 2007 Thank you guys for all your (many different) opinions. Everyone, including me, all seem to be on the same page. If I feel uncomfortable-don't do it. I apply this in everything in my life. I'm not sure if uncomfortable is the right word do describe this situation though. No, I have never sent him money before. And like (I think it was you) Texan said, there are other ways, I'm sure, for him to get this money. I personally would do whatever it takes on my part to take care of my own bills. Even though I've seen him in just about every situation possible, (i.e. how he treats people from the waitress in an restaurant to the gas station attendent to his best friend) I would like to see how he handles this. Yea, $700.00 is alot of money to me, especially since I am putting every last dime to paying off my debt. I also pay for alot of things in cash because I want to be debt free by the end of the year. It's a goal of mine. As far as his family goes-ahhh...I'm tired of going round and round with him about it. It's like he feels guilty or something or like he owes them. This will never sit right with me and he KNOWS IT. I guess that is one thing that bothers me so much about this whole thing. There are 3 additional adults that could be working in his family. I know where he lives, jobs just aren't available like they are here. It is a FACT. (some would argue if it is still considered a third world country) I've seen it first hand. It's not pretty, but damnit-he works his @ss off to "hand" money over. I feel if I loaned him this money, I would be "handing" money over to his family. Nope-not goinna' happen in this lifetime! But the fact that he asked.....still weighs on my mind.
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