Does he have an addiction? Is he nuts??!! (long)

[going insane]

Ok, well my bfriend (I dont' know what to call him now....) and I have been going thru some rough spots lately. We have been doing the long distance thing while I have been finishing a university program. Despite the distance and separtation we managed to stay in touch almost every day, but it has been really really really really hard to handle and now things look like they are falling apart....he says he is not sure anymore and if I come back to live in Israel we willl have another chance.

 

Esp. when I discovered his profile on FIVE, yes FIVE Israeli dating sites!!!! He probably never imaginged I would discover this because they are not in English, but I am clever enough to navigate and understand basic Hebrew.

 

The first blow was discovering a photo taken of us together with my face cropped out only to see bits of blond hair next to a blue shirt...plus other photos that I had taken of him when I was in Israel. The guy has SO many pictures taken of him at other times, I dont' get WHY he would have to use these ones! Is this insensitive or what????

 

Well I tearfully confronted him with this last week... said he didn't know what I was talking about until I sent him the same photos. He removed the ones of us.

He said he doesn't know when or why he did it and acknowledged that it was not a nice thing to do..

 

So, anyhow I signed up for the same site he was on and posted a realistic profile of myself (only I didn't use my real first name) with very basic Hebrew sentences full of spelling mistakes... If someone there read my profile they would know IMMEDIATELY that I was a foreigner, and if he had read it he would also know it was me by my language and personal info.

 

So, anyway I started chatting with a bunch of Israelis that contacted me right after posting this profile. It was kind of funny at first becasue it was obvious that they were looking for sex.

Then to my surprize I get a "letter" from HIM in this new mailbox. I was sure he knew it was me and was just playing a joke. It said, "Are you interested? Contact me."

So I wrote back in Hebrew saying, "Sure, let's get to know each other. What are you looking for?

To my shock he wrote back saying, "I am looking for a life mate. Can you send a photo?" and he gave his REAL e-mail address!! Obviously he never even read the profile and was just writing to ANYTHING or ANYBODY new who signed up.

 

Anyhow, I talked to him later and told him I'd signed up for that site and that tons of people had started chats with me. He said, "IN the beginning it is like that.."

So I said, "even you wrote me," and he said, "What?!" so I continued to tell him how I had responded.

Then I said, "Listen, obviously you are not very serious about anything because if you had read the profile you would have known it was me..I dont' know what you want, but I hope you find what you're looking for."

 

He admitted to having a problem (48 years old, never married), but also didn't like me "not respecting his privacy". He said he wants to be my friend still and that we will only have another chance when I stop being so overly emotional about things all the time, that he cares about me a lot but can't handle how I am behaving now.

 

Ok, so I realize I have co-dependent issues here and am about to seek counselling in a few hours, but I just want to know if I am the ONLY one with the problem here?

Do you think he has an addiction to cyber dating? (at night he is usually at home "on-line")

Or is it common for men to write to just "any new person" who signs up on internet dating sites???

 

I need your feed back and reassurance that I am not the only one with the problem here!!!

 

Thanks

[Aloros]

I don't see that you have co-dependency issues. What I do see is that your boyfriend is clearly disrespecting you and making this YOUR problem. It is not your problem! It's his!

 

If I caught my boyfriend signing up for dating sites, I'd drop him like a hot potato. He is mine and he damn well knows it. I'm certain he'd return the favor if I was doing this as well.

 

Not only is this guy signing up for dating sites (when he's supposed to be dating only YOU), but he's using photographs taken of you two together?? That is just beyond disrespectful. That is plain out disgusting. Sorry for the harsh language, but your boyfriend's actions piss me off. Not respecting his privacy? It's a public site! He's manipulating you to think that you have a problem when you don't.

 

Sounds like he's dicking around and keeping you there for security. What a jerk. In my experience it's not even common for men in committed relationships to be signing up for dating sites, because they're not supposed to be doing it! If he's with you, why is he looking around?

 

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. Please know that there are guys out there who won't treat you like crap and then try to make you think that you're the one with a problem.

 

Hope this helps.

[going insane]

Thanks for responding.

 

Well, just a general question: Don't you think it is "tacky" to use a photo of, let's say, even your ex ex boyfriend and you with his face cut out on a dating site? (even if you were long broken up)

Or do people commonly do this even with "ex" es?

 

 

Not respecting his privacy? It's a public site! He's manipulating you to think that you have a problem when you don't.

WHen he said "not respecting privacy" I think he meant that he didn't like me calling so many times a day...When this happened (when I discovered the photos) I was so upset that kept calling him and asking "how could you do this? Why, ect.." and finding out if he was at home or out ect..A stronger woman like you would have been able to just drop him like a hot potatoe...that is why I mentioned that I think I have issues with co-dependency

 

I am also disgusted at my own behavior, having allowed myself to be so disrespectful of myself and being like a beggar.

 

I'm so sorry you have to be going through this. Please know that there are guys out there who won't treat you like crap and then try to make you think that you're the one with a problem.

 

The thing is that he was the nicest guy I'd ever met! It is just so shocking to see this side to him and I can't believe it is happening.

He treated me like gold when I was living with him, never argued, treated me like a princess, introduced me to all his friends and family: his family was really warm towards me, esp. his mother who was really hoping things would work out between us.

 

Maybe his "rational" for this behavior is that he did say to me a while back that he wasn't sure about his feelings and he needed more time to decide things, but he never officially said it was 'over' and all this time I "assumed" the role of the girlfriend...

 

I feel in a way that I 'enabled' certain behavior, like that fact that when I was with him he would sometimes watch adult "blog TV" on the internet at night. Adult Blog TV is real people sometimes exposing themselves or even having sex live on a web-cam often with their eyes covered. Sometimes he'd be staring at the computer screen instead of me and I felt like i was competing with Blog TV.... I guess I should have taken this as a warning sign then, don't you think? Or is this also common with some guys?