OL_1971 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I met this fellow on a internet dating site. We were instantly drawn to each other's profiles. We chatted on-line for several days, and decided to meet face-to-face. The date went great. The chemistry was there and we really enjoyed each others company. We contine to chat online and now have a second date planned for a weekend day out. I am really looking forward to seeing him again, however I'm a little worried about something ... I am not working right now. I'm on a undetermined leave from work for medical reasons but I haven't told him this. I shared some stories about the company I've worked for over the last decade and a half in the most general sense, so naturally he thinks I am going to work there everyday but I'm not. I haven't lied, but I haven't cleared up this obvious assumption either. I of course haven't been comfortable revealing that I have taken time off work with everyone I've been meeting because (a) knowing that many dates don't succeed past the first date anyway and I hate discussing something so personal with every stranger I might meet ... having even just eluded to it on previous first dates it has usually evoked a spanish inquisition of curious questions I feel is too soon to answer (b) it is far too personal and extensive for me to discuss regardless. I just want to get to know someone, see if we connect and can be comfortable and with that familiarity and with sense of ease then I'd feel more safe about disussing this personal side of me. I don't want to mislead or lie that's for sure, but there is a need to preserve some privacy especially so early on and with so many people that may or may not go anywhere after the initial meeting. However, I don't know how to let him know my situation is not what it may seem to him and when to tell him. The second date, the third date ... when? or how to tell him ... Already he asked me what time I get home from work as he wanted to pop by to see me one evening and I fumbled and said something to the effect of "I'm usually home for the day by 4:00" which is true ... I am usually home then, just not arriving home from work. Any advice on how to bring this up and let him know this without having to put too much out there so soon? I don't want this to snowball so out of control and we end up turning into something serious and I'm later seen as having kept secrets, but I also don't want to be judged based on this and not gotten to know for my other wonderful qualities. HELP!
tanbark813 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Why not just tell him you're on temporary leave from work and leave it at that? If he presses you for details you can just say basically what you said in your post and you'd prefer to get to know him better before you go into it. That's much more respectable than flat out lying to him. If you do lie to him and he finds out later then that's going to overshadow your "other wonderful qualities".
blind_otter Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Why not just tell him you're on temporary leave from work and leave it at that? If he presses you for details you can just say basically what you said in your post and you'd prefer to get to know him better before you go into it. That's much more respectable than flat out lying to him. If you do lie to him and he finds out later then that's going to overshadow your "other wonderful qualities". Excellent advice. Couldn't have said it any better myself.
Author OL_1971 Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Why not just tell him you're on temporary leave from work and leave it at that? If he presses you for details you can just say basically what you said in your post and you'd prefer to get to know him better before you go into it. That's much more respectable than flat out lying to him. If you do lie to him and he finds out later then that's going to overshadow your "other wonderful qualities". Fair enough, I respect that advice. Ok, now how do I do that? Do I wait until he mentions "work" again, or do I just bring it up myself?
tanbark813 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Fair enough, I respect that advice. Ok, now how do I do that? Do I wait until he mentions "work" again, or do I just bring it up myself? I don't think you need to bring it up out of the blue but if the topic of work or "How was your day?" comes up--which it likely will since it's a second date and you're still in the getting-to-know-you phase--then you can casually mention the work leave. If you don't make a big deal out of it then he might just leave it at that.
sunshinegirl Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I agree w/ Tan...wait til it comes up again, and mention it casually, saying only what's comfortable for you. If you don't act like it's a big deal, he probably won't either. Oh, and if he asks follow up questions, you might consider deflecting them with "oh, it's complicated, not worth going into right now" instead of "well, I don't know you well enough yet to share the details." The latter makes it sound like there's a big deep dark secret there or something, while the former makes it clear you don't want to go into it without bringing a certain "heaviness" to the conversation. Does that make any sense?
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