StartingOver07 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I posted a while ago about a guy I was seeing and had some confusion about. I decided I was going to break things off and I was set to see him tonight and I planned to talk to him. This morning I got an email from him saying he can't go out because he has to call his son (married and grown and living out of state) but that he'd like me to come over. The way the night is presently laid out, we probably won't have much time for conversation as the call will be right in the middle of our time together. He gets up at 4am for work, so our weeknights tend to end really early. So my questions are: why does he want me there? I don't think it's a booty call as he's never wanted to stay up past 9pm or so on a weeknight regardless. I'm not getting there until 7:30, he's making his call at 8, and I imagine it'll last for at least 30 min. And how do I proceed now with my plans to break things off? Maybe I am just being a sap but he hasn't been bad to me, just confusing, and I see him often enough (we frequent the same gym)... so I had planned to talk to him a bit and explain why. Ugh... life would be so much easier if it came with the source code!
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Ok, so I did what I planned to do Thursday. Friday he contacted me and asked for another chance, etc. I caved and we made plans for Sunday afternoon. He called Saturday and left a message telling me how much he missed me and then we saw each Sunday and it was wonderful -- he was emotive and very much as he was in the beginning. But after an entire afternoon of closeness yesterday, today I got one of his typical "hello, how are you" emails. I replied and mentioned that I'd had a nice time yesterday and asked him how his evening was (we spent the afternoon together but I had plans in the evening) and he never responded. Argh! Can anyone explain what gives with this guy?
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Ok, so I did what I planned to do Thursday. Friday he contacted me and asked for another chance, etc. I caved and we made plans for Sunday afternoon. He called Saturday and left a message telling me how much he missed me and then we saw each Sunday and it was wonderful -- he was emotive and very much as he was in the beginning. But after an entire afternoon of closeness yesterday, today I got one of his typical "hello, how are you" emails. I replied and mentioned that I'd had a nice time yesterday and asked him how his evening was (we spent the afternoon together but I had plans in the evening) and he never responded. Argh! Can anyone explain what gives with this guy? Why did you want to break up with him in the first place? It sounds to me like you want your bf to be real attentive and emotionally expressive all the time. Not a lot of guys do that all the time. Some do, most DON'T. My bf has his "sweet bf" moments, other times he acts like a regular guy. If you broke up with this guy because he's not constantly expressing his love and devotion to you, then ok but you have to know that just because he doesn't constantly express that doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. Most guys, when they settle into a relationship don't express emotion and satisfaction as often. So I think you need to think about what you want out of a relationship. If you do need a guy to constantly express himself and his feelings about your relationship, then find it. But, they are few and far between, and most of them become very dependent. I had an ex bf who was constantly telling me how much he loves me and misses me, and after awhile all that constant expression just got annoying and old. My advice: Give this guy a chance. If you want to break up with him because of some other big important reason, or you just don't like him, then ok, do it. Don't discard him though just because he doesn't constantly dote over you.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Lauriebell, thanks for your comments. I had posted about this guy earlier and it's a little more complicated than him not doting on me (which is not what I am after). It's more that he seems to slip away at times and for long periods of time. An example: he is going to NY this summer and he initially invited me to accompany him. But it now seems that he has uninvited me inasmuch as when he talks about this trip, it's clear that it's a solo thing. It's not the idea of not going that bothers me so much as having been asked and then un-asked. This is just one example, but he seems to do a lot of this hot/cold, on/off sort of thing. In many ways, it is like we are permanently on our 3rd date -- moments of closeness coupled with moments where you're not sure if you're going to see each other again. There's also the issue that, except for these extremely impersonal emails, we don't talk when we don't see each other and I get the strong vibe that calling him would be a mistake (that's why I mentioned his call Saturday, because it was so out of character). Does that make it clearer? I am certainly not expecting any declarations of love here, but some consistency would be nice.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 hmm ok well I think I understand a little better now. Sorry, I wasn't trying to be mean or snappy in my other post. But anyway, yeah it does seem like hot and cold behavior to me. Maybe he just isnt the relationship type. Do you know about any of his past relationships? Is he even looking for a relationship? Maybe you should try talking to him about this..not in the sense that you should ask him why he is being hot and cold, but maybe tell him that you do care about him and want to keep seeing him but his behavior is sometimes confusing for you and your unsure about the way he feels. He might not realize he's doing this. I know guys aren't always consistant, but your right this guy seems very confusing. I say talk to him and see what is going on. Then make a decision whether or not you want to stay with him (and stick with it.)
chryssy83 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Wow this is gonna sound harsh-- I was kind of like that guy, only with me it was because I was really young and flighty at the start of a relationship. The guy dumped me and we didn't talk for 8 days...he went on a trip and I agonized about what had happened and I realized I was in love with him. That feeling never left (it's been several years now). Point? You shouldn't have caved so soon because he didn't have time to think about why you didn't want to see him. Obviously you like him, so it's hard. But just tell him that this isn't working for you and he doesn't act very interested so you're done. Then go on with your life without immediately caving. You'll be able to tell deep down if he's sincerely changed something. If he doesn't chase, you can find someone better. You deserve someone who meets your needs. Good luck!
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Laurie, I've talked to him on a few occasions. It doesn't seem to change or reveal anything. I am pretty sure he is the r/s type as he was married for 15 years and had a LTR of 10 years or so. That ended about 2 years ago. So I don't see any immediate red flags there. I am tempted to say that he's nervous about letting go emotionally and that whenever we get close he reacts by distancing himself. But maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. I don't know how to know. Chryssy - Thanks for your advice. I am having a really hard time walking away from this one for some reason. I know I should, though.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Laurie, I've talked to him on a few occasions. It doesn't seem to change or reveal anything. I am pretty sure he is the r/s type as he was married for 15 years and had a LTR of 10 years or so. That ended about 2 years ago. So I don't see any immediate red flags there. I am tempted to say that he's nervous about letting go emotionally and that whenever we get close he reacts by distancing himself. But maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. I don't know how to know. Chryssy - Thanks for your advice. I am having a really hard time walking away from this one for some reason. I know I should, though. Wow those are long relationships. Maye it's not so much that he is afraid to be in a relationship, he might be afraid of it ending. When you tried to end things with him, it might have freaked him out and brougth back the pain of losing other relationships. When you do get close, he might also get real scared of getting serious, for fear of the hurt returning if the relationship ends. It sounds like the guy has some relationship issues, I mean a 15 year marriage ending and a 10 year LTR. If you don't get married after 10 years there has to be a reason. He might have issues with committment, he may desire a relationship, but become errie when it gets too serious for him. I don't know if you should give this guy a chance or not. Maybe go out on a couple more dates with him, nothing too serious right now, and if he continues the hot/cold behavior than end it.
Author StartingOver07 Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 When you do get close, he might also get real scared of getting serious, for fear of the hurt returning if the relationship ends. This was my first theory. Problem is, the more I like him, the more I find myself doubting my judgement because I start to get insecure. It sounds like the guy has some relationship issues, I mean a 15 year marriage ending and a 10 year LTR. If you don't get married after 10 years there has to be a reason. In the 10 year r/s, she was separated but not divorced and for religious reasons would not divorce. So he didn't have a choice there. I don't know if you should give this guy a chance or not. That makes two of us! LOL.
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