Too much too soon?

[soulseeker]

I am so confused. I feel like the rules that apply to women when it come to dating do not apply to men. Hear me out.

 

I met this guy a few weeks ago, we are both in the Art dept at school. We hit it off instantly, and talked exculsively for about 3 hours. When I left, he said "So I'll see you again soon, right?"

 

Well, I ran into him a few nights later and again the chemistry was there. Neither one of us asked the other out, but there was a long stare as we parted.

 

A few days later I ran into him at an art opening. His friend was there and began to tell me how much this guy liked me and wanted to ask me out, but that he was shy and I should ask him out. Well, the friend didnt let me get to that point and instead made a date for us. Again, we talked exclusively for a good few hours. My crush gave me his number we made plans to go for a walk a few days later, and he hugged me when he left.

 

We ended up going for a walk last night and things were going really well. Chemistry was good, we were laughing a lot, etc. We get back to my house and at his lead, start making out. Nothing beyond kissing, but it did last for about 30 min. It was late and a school night and we were both tired. As he was leaving I said <cringe, I know!!> "You should sleep here some time" WTF was I thinking?

 

Now I feel like I f'd it up by that one little comment. When he left he just said, "See ya." And I got a weird vibe. BUT, he had been making comments all night about how much he liked me, future talk, etc. Not excessive, but it was there. So how come I cant get away with that comment?

 

Now, he has been "huggy" since the beginning. Looking into my eyes etc. He is NOT a player, from what I can tell and have heard from someone who knows him well, just trust me on this. But he has been very touchy, not over the line, since we met. Close standing, arm around me, etc. It has been nice.

 

Was the problem that we made out, or that I made that comment? There is a chance I am over reacting, but I got a really bad vibe as he left.

 

What should I do? Just back off completely? I feel like that is my only option. He has not had a serious gf, so maybe I freaked him out?

 

It seems like men can talk all they want about the future, but if a woman makes one comment too soon all may be lost. Is there a really that big of a double standard?

 

Thanks

[norajane]

It sounds like everything was fine, though a guy who relies on his friends to make his dates for him is either really shy or wimpy...

 

As he was leaving I said <cringe, I know!!> "You should sleep here some time" WTF was I thinking?

 

What were you thinking? I mean, that's kind of a wierd thing to say on a first date. Were you talking about having sex? Or did you intend to mean you wanted to see him again?

Now I feel like I f'd it up by that one little comment. When he left he just said, "See ya." And I got a weird vibe. BUT, he had been making comments all night about how much he liked me, future talk, etc. Not excessive, but it was there. So how come I cant get away with that comment?

 

Becasue it wasn't flirtatious or about seeing each other or about the future or liking each other - it sounded like you were inviting him to have sex with you.

 

It seems like men can talk all they want about the future, but if a woman makes one comment too soon all may be lost. Is there a really that big of a double standard?

 

I don't know what you mean by double standard. Your comment didn't strike me as talking about the future...and I can see how it might put off a shy guy. Being huggy and affectionate and talking about things you might do when you get together is one thing, but your comment seemed more like an open invitation for him to have sex.

 

As to what you should do, ignore the comment and wait for him to ask you out again. If he likes you, he will, though you may have confused him if he was thinking relationship and thought you meant just a **** buddy thing. Just wait and see how it plays out.

[poorlittlefish]

Having a similar situation myself I can see exactly what you mean. You said this only happened last night, so maybe you're panicking a bit about what you said and haven't yet had a chance to see how he's now reacting to you. For all you know he didn't think anything of it, or he may have been a little shocked but at the same time secretly quite pleased!

 

Personally I can never stand to just wait around and see what happens because the not knowing kills me. If it was me I'd rather know if what I said freaked him out and to do that I'd have to bite the bullet and speak to him.

 

Say you hoped you didn't offend him and that you feel bad because what you said came out all wrong and you need to let him know so he doesn't form the wrong impression. Say you're interested in getting to know him better, that you enjoyed kissing him and see what his reaction is.

[StayClose]

Why are you assuming all is lost? This was last night!

 

The weird vibe was his processing the sexual overtones of your comment. If he has hang-ups about sex or if he has serious double-standard issues about women being worward with guys he may back off. But if he is a normal healthy guy who likes you he will want to see you again and possibly take you up on your offer, if not the next time, then soon.

 

This is not an example of different rules applying to women than men. Many women would drop a man who makes a "sleepover" comment on the first date.

[soulseeker]

This is not an example of different rules applying to women than men. Many women would drop a man who makes a "sleepover" comment on the first date.

 

You are exactly right.

 

Thing is, I didnt mean it to be sexual, though I know that is how any normal person would take a comment like that! That's not even what I am looking for. I meant it as like "see you again sometime." But that's not exactly the best way to convey it. As soon as I said it, I wished I hadnt. I assume the worst because I would be inclined to drop a guy if he said that to me on a first date.

 

Thanks for the excellent advice all.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, this isn't a double standard situation. It's more pushing things a little too quickly for someone who's shy. I wouldn't pursue him to explain myself if there was a faux pas of this nature. More than anything, leave it alone and see if he comes back to talking to you again. If so, then clear the air and proceed on. Good luck.

[StayClose]

If having him sleep over is something that might happen in the next month if things go well, then there's no harm done, and don't mention it again, unless he brings it up. It will have made the whole "early relationship" thing more fun for both of you.

 

But OTOH, if you are the "wait until marraige" type, then you may have to explain yourself once he feels it's time to take you up on the offer.

 

Good luck.

[soulseeker]

My sense is that I would be ready to have sex before he would. But I am not in a rush to have it. GD stupid comment!

 

Given that, do you think it necessary to explain myself? There is a good chance that I will run into him at school this evening.

[Kamille]

I think you're over-analysing the situation. I understand. I just met someone who I'm kind of falling for and it's starting to freak me out.

 

I actually came on here to get the LSers to give me some advice on how to keep my head levelled... But hey, maybe giving advice on the topic will be just as useful.

 

I wouldn't explain the comment if I were you. You don't have anything to explain. Plus you don't want to remind him about it. Eventually, if he mentions it or when he does come to sleep over, then turn it into a joke or something. Because really soulseeker, that kind of thing is just of the kinds of things that happen when you're dating someone.

 

Ok so it goes without saying that the reason you are freaking out is because you really like this guy. Now, remember, he also saw something in you, something that remains yours whether or not it works out with him. Put another way, remind yourself that you'll be fine if things don't work out. Put yet another way: don't fret - so you're a bit foward ... hey that's who you are... If it's meant to be, it'll happen. If a little comment like that freaks him out? Not yours anyways.

 

I get the feeling he will show up again. Let him be the next one to make a move.

 

If you run into him before he makes a move, don't even think about apologizing. Be your best happy easy-going self. Be confident. Be happy to see him. And casual. Keep it short. Make sure that, saying goodbye, you touch him on the arm or back. Tah dah! Your guy will be smitten again.

[soulseeker]

Yeah, I do really like this guy. He is a person of substance. It has been so damn rare for me to find guys like that. In fact, he is only the second one. And the thing is, I am not really the person that that comment makes me out to be. I would not want to have sex with him until I actually cared about him. That is why I feel the need to explain. When I said sleep, I really meant sleep. Stupid to say because of all the other stuff that comes to mind with it, but I meant it like laying together on a couch. Yeah, I get it. It's not the same thing.

 

I feel like I need to do damage control. Maybe I am over analyzing things a bit. If I wait for him to make the next move and he doesnt call in a week, then what? He is shy. And I know he does not have a lot of experience with women.

 

Thanks

[jcster]

I really don't think damage control is necessary at this point - because you have absolutely no proof that there was any damage done. As the queen of awkward comments - I've learned to rely on "least said, soonest mended." It works! If he was really bothered by your comment - trust me, you will hear about it eventually. At this point, just assume that he's under the impression that he misheard you and leave it at that.

[soulseeker]

I really don't think damage control is necessary at this point - because you have absolutely no proof that there was any damage done. As the queen of awkward comments - I've learned to rely on "least said, soonest mended." It works! If he was really bothered by your comment - trust me, you will hear about it eventually. At this point, just assume that he's under the impression that he misheard you and leave it at that.

 

I hear what you are saying and I would love to take this approach, BUT I know he heard me and he knows I know he heard me. When I said it, his face changed so much that I followed it up with a panicked "I mean sometime!" I should have said something like "I mean it would be nice to go out again." <sigh>

 

I feel like he may have written me off at that instant. If he had said that to me and thought I took it incorrectly, I would appreciate him explaining himself.

 

Do you really think acting nonchalant is the way to go?

[jcster]

Do you really think acting nonchalant is the way to go?

 

Absolutely. There is no way to do "damage control" unless one knows what damage HAS been done. And - I personally don't think that what you said was that bad - he's probably kicking himself for lack of a witty come-back. In any case, if he's half the guy you think he is, he will rely on your actions rather than your words to tell him what type of person you are. Really, if he's the type of person to blow you off for one slightly (potentially) overly friendly comment - is that who you want to date? Either way, it will be fine.

[soulseeker]

Really, if he's the type of person to blow you off for one slightly (potentially) overly friendly comment - is that who you want to date? Either way, it will be fine.

 

No, not really. It was just on the first date before he even really knows me. I'm just bummed. If I'd said it two dates later even, I think the reaction would have been different. And as I said, he does not have much experience with women, so his perception of such a comment may be different than a man who does.

 

Honestly, I'd much rather date a guy who would be offended by that comment than one who would be all about it on the first date.

 

Hell I dont know anymore. Dating = tricky.

 

Thanks for your advice

[Aloros]

*giggle* I'm sorry, this just sounds soooo much like something I might do. I have a talent for the foot-in-mouth thing. Seriously. I get teased about it by my friends and my bf.

 

I'm going to agree with everyone else and say you should just let it slide. See what he does next. If you start trying to explain yourself, trying to apologize, it comes off as a little obsessive. It was one remark.

 

I said some stupid stuff when I first started dating my bf, and it didn't scare him off. He said some stupid things too, and now we just laugh about it.

 

Good luck!