81West Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Someone I was deeply in love with who professed the same to me and who seemed to be very good to me over the course of our 15 month long distance relationship abruptly stopped communicating with me without notice or explanation early this winter. I've been flailing around for more than three months trying to find closure on my own with little success. I have cried every single day for more than a hundred days with no end in sight. I deeply appreciated his friendship and he is someone I thought would be in my life in some capacity or other forever. The unexpectedness and shock of the loss feels very much like an integral part of the extreme trauma I'm experiencing. I know I earned the respect that I was not given. It wasn't me. I treated him very well and never gave him a reason not to communicate with me or to be dishonest. When he stoped communicating with me, I withdrew with grace and simply stopped trying. But inside I was devastated, confused and had no idea how or where to begin healing or what his withdrawal even meant because there was reason to believe he was under some stress at the time. Very recently I discovered through a third party that a) he *is* still alive and b) he actively lied about some important things to me as well - lies pulled out of thin air for no reason I can think of other than to manipulate my feelings and actions. At the same time I was able to finally figure out for sure that his abrupt and silent withdrawal was indeed intended to sever our relationship. Unfortunately, because of million things he did right, it's hard for me to dismiss him as a complete jerk. I wish I could. I want to stop crying and move on. I want to be angry, and I am - but the anger I have is overwhelmed by much stronger feelings of sadness, hurt, disbelief and dissapointment. I am sensitive in these things to a fault. I am so weary of the crying, the lost sleep and the constant sadness stuck up high in my throat. I don't at all lack self respect, and I know how wrong, self-centred and cowardly his behaviour has been. His actions have left wanting him back in my life out of the question. So why can't I just be angry and disillusioned and move on? I need help with this, and I'm ashamed that I need help, because it really should be kind of a no-brainer. Why am I so stuck and so sad?
Guest Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I am sorry you had to find this site but you have found a wonderful place. Rejection is hard for anyone to deal with. It hurts. Add on top of it the lies and the disappearing act then no wonder why you are struggling. I would focus on all the bad things for now not the good stuff.
norajane Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 he actively lied about some important things to me as well - lies pulled out of thin air for no reason I can think of other than to manipulate my feelings and actions. Unfortunately, because of million things he did right, it's hard for me to dismiss him as a complete jerk. I wish I could. I want to stop crying and move on. I want to be angry, and I am - but the anger I have is overwhelmed by much stronger feelings of sadness, hurt, disbelief and dissapointment. Why am I so stuck and so sad? You are stuck and sad because he was so successful at manipulating your feelings. You fell for his lies and are mourning the 'loss' of the guy you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. So it's really hard for you to comprehend the two different sides of him - the guy that seemed to be good to you, and the guy that lied and manipulated so that you would believe he was being good to you. It's hard for you to understand the good was all a sham - he used you. You will find the anger, but it may take some time. YOu first have to fully and truly accept and believe that the million things he did right were only about him getting what he wanted.
Author 81West Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 You are stuck and sad because he was so successful at manipulating your feelings. You fell for his lies and are mourning the 'loss' of the guy you thought he was and the relationship you thought you had. So it's really hard for you to comprehend the two different sides of him - the guy that seemed to be good to you, and the guy that lied and manipulated so that you would believe he was being good to you. Wow. This really struck a chord. My thoughts are so scattered, and I'm trying desperately to figure out what exactly I'm feeling. You're dead right - you helped me realize that part of this is the gap between the whole of who he was and the man I perceived. It's like an optical illusion where your mind rejects what you're seeing because it just doesn't add up. It's vertigo. Still, he wasn't Satan. It really wasn't about using me I don't think - he was often giving and there just aren't enough of those kind of payoffs in a long distance relationship anyway. We spent an awful lot of time just sharing time and our days online through e-mail etc. However, I think he did at times endeavor to project a certain persona that was designed to effect a certain result in terms of my emotions and my actions. Acknowledging that to myself is so tough - he was almost perfect in my eyes and when you lose someone it is a given that the present and the future are gone. Losing parts of the past by seeing the relationship with new eyes makes it all too much to bear. He wasn't Satan, but he was flawed.
krzr Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 stop making excuses for him. he dropped you and now u need to get over it as soon as u possibly can.
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