Star Gazer Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Just because a man has kids, doesn't mean the woman should assume she should have to settle for less than she would get with a man without kids. Well, that's just a fact of life. A person only has so much attention and time to give, and a man with children will necessarily have a little less time and attention to give the woman in his life as a result of giving some of that time and attention to his children. By getting involved in a relationship with a man who has children, she's gotta know that she's not going to get all of his time and attention...she's going to have to "settle" to compromise and be understanding that he's got other responsibilities.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Well, that's just a fact of life. A person only has so much attention and time to give, and a man with children will necessarily have a little less time and attention to give the woman in his life as a result of giving some of that time and attention to his children. By getting involved in a relationship with a man who has children, she's gotta know that she's not going to get all of his time and attention...she's going to have to "settle" to compromise and be understanding that he's got other responsibilities. It's not all cut and dry like that. You don't know personally how he treats her. My exbf always had time for me, and give me love, I never felt slighted because he loved me and wanted to make the time. This guy had two kids 1/2 time custody, a fulltime job as a teacher, part time before and after school as a drivers ed teacher, and was taking grad. classes and STILL he wanted to make time and effort for me, on top of his kids. I don't necessarily think she has to 'settle,' it's about what he is willing to do for her, if he sees her as an important part of his life and is factoring her into it or not. I think it's normal for her to wonder what is normal in a situation with a guy with kids or not, but if a guy is treating you well, he's treating you well, kids or not. If a guy is treating you like crap, he's treating you like crap, kids or not. I think they need to talk about how she's feeling so he is aware so he can give her his side of things and possibly work something out so she is happy, also. I don't think it's fair to label her as selfish and uncaring just from hearing this side. I don't like it when people say "oh just dump him, you're selfish, he is being a good dad, you are in the wrong here" based on a few posts where she is asking a question and wondering. She wasn't asking if she should end the relationship and wasn't soliciting that kind of response, she was asking if this was normal and didn't deserve posters jumping on her for that.
Author candy Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 thanks Teddy and Jane for understanding--someone who dated/dates a man with kids can understand. theres no reason he can't be a good dad AND a good boyfriend--why does eevryone act like it's mutually exclusive except for you?? i do feel taken for granted a lot of the time. so him taking the time out of his busy, busy life to buy his ex a gift so her feleings aren't hurt on mother's day, plus the money he spends on her...well, the next time the BF gets me somehting just out of the blue, no matter how small, even a poem he wrote, that will be the first time! why aren't his responsibliies towards her done now that theyre divorced and she has a new BF who lives with her and a baby with him?
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 I think once you get over the issues with his ex, things could be different. You're SO resentful of her and what she represents. You seem so threatened by the fact that she is the mother of their children. HE buys stuff FROM the kids so the kids can give their mom a gift. HE is not buying her a gift from him, I don't understand why you can't understand that? Bottomline, if you feel he's treating you poorly, don't put up with it, let him know that your needs are not being met and if he is unwilling to compromise and treat you better, then maybe you do need to end it and NOT let him convince you to stay. Maybe time apart will give him time to think about how life will be without you in it. His responsibilities as a father will ALWAYS include his ex, as she is the mother of their kids. Xmas, birthdays, graduations, weddings, whatever... They are not married anymore, but they are still mom and dad together. Deal with it or get out of the relationship.
Author candy Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 ya know, i understand the ex wil alwyas be in his life. my feeling is just, shouldnt;t his repsonsibilites end once the marriage does as far as seeing that her feelings are taken care of. that is, a mothers day gift...like, he's not supposed to be thinking , saying 'gee its mothers day coming up i better make sure ------- has a gift or her feelings will be hurt'. if its just a matter of his kids saying dad can you take us to get mom something, fine. but if its his idea that bugs me a little. i'm not even saying i disagree, that's why i asked your opinions, as ex's maybe you could let me know if this goes on all the time.
whichwayisup Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 His responsibilities as a husband are over and done, but his responsibilities as a father, and keeping the lines of communication open with his ex, mother of their children is NOT over, and it will never be over. Together, they've decided to co-parent and that means talking daily or seeing eachother at times. Not as husband and wife, but as mommy and daddy. Kids don't remember mother's day, nor do they THINK of asking their parent to take them out to go shopping. Parents REMIND their children, and parents TAKE their children OUT to go shopping. It is no different now. He takes them out so the kids can buy a present for their mom. It is NOT from him. How's this senario for you. Mid afternoon the phone rings. It's his ex. "The kids didn't buy me anything this year for mothers day." Your boyfriend says back to her "Hey, it isn't my responsibility, they didn't ask me to take them shopping. Besides, my girlfriend is getting very upset and jealous that I have to keep doing things for kids, and I knew if I shopped for the kids, bought them a gift so they could give it to you as a mom's day present, she would cry and accuse me of still having feelings for you and being too involved since you and I are not married anymore...." His ex says, "What? So you are going to let your girlfriend boss you around because SHE IS JEALOUS that you and I have children together and she won't like it if you take the kids out and buy a gift with them so they can give it to me on Mom's day? Boy ,I guess you put her feelings before your own children's." And so on........ I hope it reads silly to you because that's why I wrote it out, so you can see how silly you're acting about him buying a mother's day gift for the kids so they can give it to their mom. Get over it, or break up with him. He isn't going to change.
Kamille Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 ya know, i understand the ex wil alwyas be in his life. my feeling is just, shouldnt;t his repsonsibilites end once the marriage does as far as seeing that her feelings are taken care of. that is, a mothers day gift...like, he's not supposed to be thinking , saying 'gee its mothers day coming up i better make sure ------- has a gift or her feelings will be hurt'. if its just a matter of his kids saying dad can you take us to get mom something, fine. but if its his idea that bugs me a little. i'm not even saying i disagree, that's why i asked your opinions, as ex's maybe you could let me know if this goes on all the time. I think it's all a matter of his and your approach to parenthood. Like most posters here, I think he showing his kids that he still respects their mother despite breaking up is fantastic. It shows his kids that for him family, even a reconstituted one, comes first. Imagine the security this affords them. Maybe it isn't what you are looking for. Your approach to it all seems more individualistic. How long have you been together? How long has the attention he pays his kids been a problem? Do you know how the kids have reacted to their parents splitting? I sit a kid who is in a reconstituted family, and he has a really hard time accepting his parents' new partners. Is this the case with your b-f's kids?
annabelle75 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 As a divorced parent that shares custody with my daughter’s father I have to honestly say that you are my worst nightmare. You are the type of woman that I hope he never dates. Not that I expect him to buy me gifts for mother’s day, but the attitude that just because he is no longer married to this woman, he should no longer care about her feelings is wrong. She is the mother of his children and even though they are no longer together, it is healthy for them to continue to treat each other with respect. Making sure she gets recognition on Mother’s Day is a great way of showing it. I think your bf is a good man for doing it. I buy gifts for special occasions for my daughter’s father as well. She’s too young to do it herself and I do it more for her than him. He and I have a great relationship built on respect as co-parents. If you are not secure enough to date a man with children and an ex-wife, then you should end the relationship. His children should come first and it sounds to me like you don’t like that.
trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 If you feel he's not giving you what you need in terms of attention or whatnot, tell him about it, don't blame the ex and his kids. It's not their fault, he's just being a good father. I'd be worried about dating this guy if he DIDN'T try to keep a good relationship with his children and his ex. Only thing more nightmarish than divorce is a divorce where one of the parents becomes absentee, or if there is animosity between the exes. That's a sad state of affairs, and unfair and very hard on the children.
Author candy Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 these posts have become very personal! i was basically asking if others think this gift buying is ok. it has nothing to do with our relationship or the attention i get. i thas to do with the fact that why shoudl he respect his ex by making sure her feeligns aren't hurt (wah wah) when he really does despise her. his kids were very young when they divorced..basically their mother had an affair, left my BF and moved in with her BF where they now live together and have a baby. not judging, but BF no thrilled with that lviing arrnagement. so she couldnt wait to divorce him, basically threw him out of the house and faught him for every penny he has. divorced 5 years....now her feelings on mothers day are supposed to matter to him? but if everyone agrees its a nice gesture than fine...
annabelle75 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 these posts have become very personal! i was basically asking if others think this gift buying is ok. it has nothing to do with our relationship or the attention i get. i thas to do with the fact that why shoudl he respect his ex by making sure her feeligns aren't hurt (wah wah) when he really does despise her. his kids were very young when they divorced..basically their mother had an affair, left my BF and moved in with her BF where they now live together and have a baby. not judging, but BF no thrilled with that lviing arrnagement. so she couldnt wait to divorce him, basically threw him out of the house and faught him for every penny he has. divorced 5 years....now her feelings on mothers day are supposed to matter to him? but if everyone agrees its a nice gesture than fine... If he really does despise her that much, why is it a problem? He's helping out his kids and teaching them to respect their mother no matter what problems he may have with her. Sounds like a good father. You are saying here that it has nothing to do with your relationship or the attention you get. Then what is the problem? You just want him to stop doing this for his kids and their mother? Why? I'm starting to think this is all just a matter of control. You don't like him doing something that you don't like. You really need to just grow up and get over it.
Lauriebell82 Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 these posts have become very personal! i was basically asking if others think this gift buying is ok. it has nothing to do with our relationship or the attention i get. i thas to do with the fact that why shoudl he respect his ex by making sure her feeligns aren't hurt (wah wah) when he really does despise her. his kids were very young when they divorced..basically their mother had an affair, left my BF and moved in with her BF where they now live together and have a baby. not judging, but BF no thrilled with that lviing arrnagement. so she couldnt wait to divorce him, basically threw him out of the house and faught him for every penny he has. divorced 5 years....now her feelings on mothers day are supposed to matter to him? but if everyone agrees its a nice gesture than fine... Candy, we are just trying to help you. The concern is that you aren't happy in your relationship. Like everyone else, including myself, have said, it was a good gesture to make. The fact that you are bothered by it, is making you unhappy in your relationship. If you can deal with the fact that your bf does give up some of his life for his ex wife and children than ok, but it just doesn't sound like your doing that. I'm not trying to put you down or anything, but if your bf does make you happy then stay with him. If you can deal with the interaction between him, his ex wife, and kids then fine, but I just think you'd be happier in a relationship with someone who doesn't have children. If your bf does make you happy, than great I wish you the best.
trigger Posted May 3, 2007 Posted May 3, 2007 Short answer: Yes, it's okay that he helps his kids buy presents for their mom. (You must admit you did make this whole thing personal, not us, by stating that you feel he doesn't give you the attention he gives his kids.)
Author candy Posted May 8, 2007 Author Posted May 8, 2007 ok, if you all say its no big deal i beleieve you! i could see taking the kids to get , say, grandparents gift for mothers day...but i still think its no longer his concern what his ex gets or doesnt get for gifts, and how far shoudl he take it--bday presents, too? what else? and is he still trying to impress his ex, see what a great dad and husband i am? thats part of the problem., i suppose....my insecurities. .but i'll let it slide. thanks guys!
stillafool Posted May 8, 2007 Posted May 8, 2007 Yes that seems to be the problem your insecurity. You think he still has feelings for his children's mother. The truth is she probably will always hold a special place in his heart as they gave each other those kids.
Author candy Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 its not that i think he still has feeligns for his ex wife..i know he basically despises her. tho dating a divorced man, it is weird when they talk and stuff cause ts as if i spoke with an ex all the time, he wouldnt like that, tho becuase they have kids it's ok, which it is, but still weird, ya know? i'm still getting used to it. what bothers me is just the fact that mothers day is coming and he thinks gee i better make sure my kids have a gift for their mom. shoudl he do it for her birthday too? i mean, where does it end? and he wants to make sure her feelings aren't hurt...but what about say i have to deal with my late moms' bday, how about caring about MY feeligns and getting ME a little something? thats what bugs me on some level...just caring so much to make sure she has a gift for her "special day" ..why the caring?
a4a Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Did you ever stop to think that he is trying to teach his children to be caring people?
annabelle75 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 its not that i think he still has feeligns for his ex wife..i know he basically despises her. tho dating a divorced man, it is weird when they talk and stuff cause ts as if i spoke with an ex all the time, he wouldnt like that, tho becuase they have kids it's ok, which it is, but still weird, ya know? i'm still getting used to it. what bothers me is just the fact that mothers day is coming and he thinks gee i better make sure my kids have a gift for their mom. shoudl he do it for her birthday too? i mean, where does it end? and he wants to make sure her feelings aren't hurt...but what about say i have to deal with my late moms' bday, how about caring about MY feeligns and getting ME a little something? thats what bugs me on some level...just caring so much to make sure she has a gift for her "special day" ..why the caring? You can't can't seem to get it through your head that his relationship with his kids and their mother has nothing to do with you. You have no right to dictate what he should and should not do for his kids. I think you really need to go back and read your posts and see why we have been so hard on you. Every post you make is basically, "what about me?" You have stated that there are no other problems in the relationship, so his choice to buy the mother of his children a present on Mother's Day sould be a non issue. You have nothing to complain about. You just don't like that he puts thought into something for another woman. Sorry to break it to you but she is the mother of his children and they are bonded for life or at least until the kids are 18. There is nothing you can do to chnage that and if you have a problem with it then you should leave.
bab Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Did you ever stop to think that he is trying to teach his children to be caring people? EXACTLY!!! He wants his kids to know how to treat their mother, because by learning how to be caring towards their mother, they learn how to be caring towards others. Like their future spouses and future girlfriends or boyfriends. These are little people who don't come out knowing how to show someone they care. In addition it's important that parents that are divorced do the best that they can to bring their kids up in as "normal" a way as possible. This means if there is an activity with the kids that a dad in a married relationship would do, then it should be no different with a divorced dad. Kids bounce back pretty well, but anyone who is the product of divorced parents or has kids with someone who they are no longer with, can tell you that it's still very hard on them, no matter how much that try and pretend that it's no big deal. It's the parents responsibility to minimize that difficulty and not pawn parenting responsibilities that they might not be fond of off on grandma. And you know what? I would think it's still appropriate if he gave her a gift from him on Mother's Day as a token of gratitude for being a good mom to his kids, no matter how lousy a wife she was.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 what bothers me is just the fact that mothers day is coming and he thinks gee i better make sure my kids have a gift for their mom. shoudl he do it for her birthday too? Yes. He should do it for her birthday too. He can take the kids shopping, help pick out of a gift. Again, this is YOUR jealously issue that you're gonna have to deal with. STOP making it about you and making it negative. SEE the positive in the man! MY GOD, he is putting his children's needs above his own, above yours and doing something a good father would do. If you can't see that, you're nuts! i mean, where does it end? and he wants to make sure her feelings aren't hurt...but what about say i have to deal with my late moms' bday, how about caring about MY feeligns and getting ME a little something? YOU are not a mother. You don't have children, so why should you have a mother's day gift? You don't even like his kids, they seem like they get in the way of your relationship their dad. If you want a present, then hint to him about getting you something, on a day that is not on mother's day. Yes, M-day is rough on you, I understand that due to your loss...I know that hurts as I lost my father in 1993 and father's day always makes me sad...But, I wouldn't use that as a reason to expect a gift! Sorry to sound harsh... If you can't handle being around him and the kids, or dealing with the build up to mother's day, I suggest you take that day, spend it with your father, or some friends. thats what bugs me on some level...just caring so much to make sure she has a gift for her "special day" ..why the caring? THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM AND HER AS HUSBAND AND WIFE!!!! IT IS ABOUT HER AND HIM AS MOM AND DAD TO THEIR CHILDREN!!! I really don't understand why you are freaking out about this and making into something really awful. Deal with it or end it. Your choice...
Teddy and Jane Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 EXACTLY!!! He wants his kids to know how to treat their mother, because by learning how to be caring towards their mother, they learn how to be caring towards others. Like their future spouses and future girlfriends or boyfriends. These are little people who don't come out knowing how to show someone they care. Yes, but it sounds like he isn't a good boyfriend to her, so he should be a good role model to them by being a good boyfriend to her, also.
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 So, if he isn't a good boyfriend to her she needs to tell him that instead of focussing on his fatherly duties. She wants him to buy HER gifts so she feels special, she should TELL HIM THAT and not bring up his ex, or the children. That has NOTHING to do with it. If he isn't buying her gifts or doing special things for her, then it means he is NOT as into her as she is into him. Anyway, until she talks to him about how she is feeling, nothing will change.
dropdeadlegs Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Candy, I won't fault you for your feelings because you cannot help having them. Feelings are feelings, not good or bad, although there are generalized connotations to said feelings. You cannot help having feelings regardless of their connotation. A relationship involving children from a prior marriage/relationship no matter what their ages is difficult. It is a lot to absorb and adjust to. No matter what your age, or theirs. I don't, personally, purchase gifts for my children's father for Fathers Day. He doesn't purchase gifts for me for Mothers Day either. That is our way of dealing with those days. However, my BF insists on gifts for me for Mothers Day. I have insisted that I am not his mother, and he equally insists that I am A mother. In his mind the fact that I am a mother and he is a part of both my life and my children's lives, he feels the need to celebrate Mothers Day . His mother is long dead, but I think he would react the same regardless. I have no idea if he buys (pays for) Mothers Day gifts for his daughter(ie: his ex wife) and I honestly don't care. Why should I?
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