candy Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 With mothers day coming up, BF tells me he buys gifts for hs ex for his 2 kids. basically, he says they want to give their mom gifts so he takes them shopping and pays for it. this really irks me, as his ex has a mother and a new BF and one of them can take the kids mothers day shopping! his ex does the same for father's day..i know the gift is not from HIM to HER but it still bothers me that he cares enuf about her feelings to make sure she gets a gift, and he spends more of his hard earned money than just child support and alimony on her at all, even if its a small gift. can't he just have the kids make her something? should this bother me or am i making too much of it? how do you other ex's handle this??
a4a Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 No he is in line and doing the right thing by helping his kids!!! There is nothing wrong with this. Now if he is out buying her gifts from him - maybe that is a reason to feel a little worry or jealousy..... maybe I say. You need a bf without kids. He is being a good father and you are being a unjustified jealous girlfriend.
Art_Critic Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 He is being a good father and you are being a unjustified jealous girlfriend. agreed... Candy.. The children are too small to drive out to the stores and buy the gifts themselves.. of course he puts thought into it.. she is the mother of his kids and she is the most important thing to his kids other than himself.. Any good parent is going to do this.. You should think your lucky stars that he does this for his kids.. It goes to show you what kind of a father he is.. a good one...
stillafool Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 He's right by doing this. He is teaching his kids to respect their mother. Of course his ex will always be an important part of his life because she gave him his children. He does not want to treat the mother of his children badly and vice versa.
silentcharon Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Even if I don't have children, I agree with other posters. It shows that your bf has excellent values and cares very much about his kids.
Aloros Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I don't think it's so much caring about her feelings as caring for his kids. He sounds like a great dad. I wouldn't be bothered by it.
Author candy Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 ok, thanks for the advise--i didnt mean to sound harsh, i just wondered why his ex's mom can't take the kids to buy soemthing for their mom. why is it his responsibility? and no, he doesn't buy his ex presents from himself. this is new for me, dating someone with an ex wife let alone kids, and i'm trying to figure out whats ok and whats suspicious so i don't waste my time on someone hung up on thier ex. but if you all say its fine for him to be worrying about her feelings, than so be it.
Art_Critic Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 i just wondered why his ex's mom can't take the kids to buy soemthing for their mom. why is it his responsibility? You didn't sound harsh.. I think you are looking at it as if he is doing something for her and in reality he is doing something for his kids.. He isn't doing anything for her at all.. and I'll bet anything she doesn't look at the gift as coming from him and looks at the gifts as coming from her kids.. Her Mom has little to do with this aspect of the relationship.. this part is all about the parental aspect of having kids.. If he was a deadbeat Dad then maybe her Mom should step in.. but he seems like a good Dad..
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 She is the mother of his children, it's HIS choice to help his kids pick out gifts for mother's day. Stay out of it, it has nothing to do with you, his feelings for you or anything. HE is doing the thing that fathers DO for their kids. If you are jealous, hurt, feeling insecure, pissed off because he is doing this then maybe you need to think about ending the relationship with him. I think what he is doing is amazing! He is putting his children's needs first and is making the effort to always be on good terms with his ex, his kids mom. You should feel happy about that, not threatened by it. Please, try to see it from a positive angle, not a jealous one.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 this is very common. I was seeing a guy with teenage kids and he took them shopping for their mom's birthday, Christmas, and Mother's Day presents. even though she was a b**ch and often "forgot" to take the kids shopping for their dad's present (it was actually part of the divorce agreement to buy these gifts on these occasions.) He rose above that and didn't let it bother him. Also, he often bought me a gift when he had to buy her a bday gift or Mday gift for his kids, such as a shower gel or lotion I liked. Not that he had to, he was just sweet that way. Do you think that may be what is bothering you, that he doesn't go out of his way to get you gifts but he is having to buy gifts from his kids to his exwife?
Trialbyfire Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Your b/f is a good father. It sounds like you're lucky and have found a decent individual. If anything you should appreciate his ability to care for his children. Don't let the big green monster supercede your appreciation for a nice guy.
Author candy Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Teddy and Jane, you make a good point..it mgiht be a ltitle why does he have time and money to take the kids shopping and buy his ex soemthing, when he never buys little things for me.....as someone said buying her a little gift at the same time, that;s super sweet. or for xmas, i had bought his kids little gifts, and he never got them anything for me. just something small would be so appreciated. although it may be common and that makes me feel a little better, i still think once your divorced the responsibilites end. maybe if the kids said "can we go shopping for mom" i would say fine, but i get the feeling it's his idea, maybe to show her what a great catch he was that she lost?? i don't know..i'll try to curb the jealousy.
alphamale Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 can't he just have the kids make her something? well CANDY...what if your BF gave you an origami penguin he made for your b-day?
jcster Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Hi Candy - I have a friend that started a relationship with a man who's child lived with her mom. From the start, she became obsessed with this guy's relationship to his ex and how he interacted with the kid. It made her absolutely miserable and destroyed her relationship. Of course, it didn't change the boyfriend's activities at all. This is the perfect example of the necessity for boundaries in a relationship. His relationship with his kids - and his interactions with his ex are his business. How you feel about it is your business - but these two aspects should not intersect if you want to stay with him.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 How long have you two been a couple? Do you live with him?
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 OMG - I remember you. You are seriously a piece of work! You're acting like an unjustifiably jealous, spiteful woman. I strongly suggest you dump the man and let him live his life as the great dad he is.
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115203/ Yes, now I remember too. Candy, you have issues with the fact his ex-wife, mother of his children, is in his daily life. It's for the SAKE OF THE KIDS and what's best for them. I skimmed afew of your other threads, it's obvious that you love your boyfriend, but can't accept that his children come first. I also read that you don't want to have any children of your own, so with that being said, maybe you're better off with a man who doesn't have children, and a man who doesn't have an ex-wife. You have to decide to accept things as they are and stop feeling so bloody threatened by his kids and ex-wife, or end it.
Art_Critic Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Candy... Does your BF know that you feel threatened by his kids ? if he does what does he think about it or what has he mentioned to you about it? It can't be easy to be in a relationship where you feel the need to mistrust his moves with his kids.. Do you realize that one day if you get married that you will be their Step Mother ? You will bear almost the same responsibilities as his ex does in regards to parenting.. Are you ready for that ?
Teddy and Jane Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Candy, this exbf of mine, I admit that when he bought gifts for his ex from his kids, I thought it was odd because at the time the kids were 13 and 15 years old. To me, I thought that was old enough for them to be given money and go to the mall and get gifts themselves. However, the kids were very selfish and didn't care about buying gifts for their parents, only what things their parents bought for them. I do think that once in their teens the kids should be starting to choose and buy gifts themselves for those occasions, but at a younger age, it is common for the parent to buy things. It does seem like he might be taking you for granted a bit and not appreciating you and making you feel like you are special. Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel.
DanielMadr Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Teddy and Jane, you make a good point..it mgiht be a ltitle why does he have time and money to take the kids shopping and buy his ex soemthing, when he never buys little things for me.....as someone said buying her a little gift at the same time, that;s super sweet. or for xmas, i had bought his kids little gifts, and he never got them anything for me. just something small would be so appreciated. although it may be common and that makes me feel a little better, i still think once your divorced the responsibilites end. maybe if the kids said "can we go shopping for mom" i would say fine, but i get the feeling it's his idea, maybe to show her what a great catch he was that she lost?? i don't know..i'll try to curb the jealousy. He is helping his kids, not his ex. Are you being jealous about his attention to his kids? How old are you? Should he buy you some candy too time to time?
DanielMadr Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 It does seem like he might be taking you for granted a bit and not appreciating you and making you feel like you are special. Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel. I wouldnt dare to even think about it. It sounds like she is 4yo spoiled little girl. 'Oh appreacite me and make me feel special or I will run away and hide in the tree house and wont talk with you like forever.'
Lauriebell82 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I agree with the other posters that you should probably not be involved with anyone who has baggage like kids and an ex wife. You clearly cant accept that his children come first, so that being said maybe its time to get out of the relationship. It sounds like you want a bf who can devote all his attention to you, and your current just cant do that. So my advice is to just end it, because its not what your looking for. Stop agonizing over your jealousy of his ex wife and children. I know how you feel, I would never want to date anyone with children. I like being first in my boyfriends life, and if your bf has kids, thats just not possible.
Teddy and Jane Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I wouldnt dare to even think about it. It sounds like she is 4yo spoiled little girl. 'Oh appreacite me and make me feel special or I will run away and hide in the tree house and wont talk with you like forever.' My point is there might be other things up, everyone on here is assuming this guy is a saint for being a dad, maybe he is not being a good boyfriend to her and taking her for granted. she is in a relationship with him, she deserves to be treated well, too. That is why I suggested having a talk with him and telling him how she feels. I was explaining my situation with dating a man with kids, I totally didn't feel like I was in 2nd place, he still had love and attention enough to shower on me, too, not just to his kids. Just because a man has kids, doesn't mean the woman should assume she should have to settle for less than she would get with a man without kids.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Just because a man has kids, doesn't mean the woman should assume she should have to settle for less than she would get with a man without kids Yes, exactly. And if he doesn't or can't put her up on his priority list, then she needs to re-think the relationship and decide what to do. It seems though that he's made it very clear to her that his children come first. If his kids need to call at 3am, they should be allowed to do so, without HER getting upset and feeling jealous that he is talking to his children.
Guest Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 You are being selfish and totally jealous. Look at the situation objectively and not emotionally.
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