Continuation of my recent posts

[insomnie]

This is a continuation of my recent posts.

 

I am still PISSED, still all the same reasons. BF came over and ate dinner with me yesterday (I bought the food, cooked for him while he screwed around with my guitar). Then he left. Said he was busy.

 

So today...again I don't hear from him all day. I called him at 10:30. He was being unresponsive, distant...apparenlty he was hanging out with that friend again. Asked me if I would be on campus tomorrow so we could catch lunch....as opposed to hang out in the evening like planned before.

 

I went online a bit later, he IMed me a link to a game. I asked him a question, he answered briefly. I asked him another one and he ignored me.

 

I just don't understand why it is so hard for him to call me once a day simply to tell me he loves me. Is that asking for too much after 3 years? It's like we'll have periods where we're "serious", but after a couple of months he'll feel pressured and will want to take it down a couple of notches to "occasional temp. gf I don't have to call". It pissssses me off.... but I have no power to change anything because he won't even hang out with me or talk to me.

[insomnie]

Does it sounds like he wants to break up with me??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Honestly, after reading your posts about this I would have to say that whether or not he wants to break up with you is a moot point. You are the one who should break things off with him.

 

Eventually you'll get to the point where you will see that you aren't a victim in this relationship, you are a willing volunteer to your own unhappiness. A guy will only treat you as poorly as you let him. Don't like how he is treating you? Your only option is to leave him, because you know how he is. You know he isn't going to change. He is never going to be the guy you want him to be in order for you to be happy in this relationship. Your options are fairly limited. Stay with him, and continue to be unhappy or walk away and find a greater happiness with someone else.

[whichwayisup]

but I have no power to change anything because he won't even hang out with me or talk to me.

 

And what is it that you really see in him? IF he is unwilling to change things, especially afer 3 years, IS he worth fighting for? I mean, he ignores you, he doesn't seem to have much respect for you, he brushes you off and treats you poorly. Is there any good in that relationship? Doe he ever make YOU feel good and happy? More than just once in a while?

 

You DO have control and power, you just need to stand up to him and tell him goodbye until he can show you more love, and respect.

[insomnie]

Does he ever make YOU feel good and happy? More than just once in a while?

 

You DO have control and power, you just need to stand up to him and tell him goodbye until he can show you more love, and respect.

 

He does make me feel good and happy. Almost all of the time. Every 2-3 months, though, he decides he needs more freedom. Not freedom to cheat on me or evern lead a single lifestyle - but freedom to ignore the burden of meeting my needs for attention, phone calls, sympathy, conversation, sex, etc.

 

It's so hard for me to see clearly. I don't know if I am so needy and paranoid that I need to change, or if he's being a bad boyfriend. I mean on the flip side he DID call me today...my qualm is he was being distant. He WAS being distant... and he's been distant for a while now... but is that a big enough thing to get so worked up over?

 

I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow. I don't know if it's thanks to him, but I've gotten my mind all twisted up.

[insomnie]

Oh My Lord.

 

Because I cannot sleep and I don't have much to do besides hang around LS, I decided to check out all the threads I started since I joined a year ago.

 

There are 70 of them.

 

Excluding a couple of completely random ones, they fall into two groups:

 

1. My boyfriend has been acting cold and distant for the past week and I don't know what to do. Week later: OMG he broke up with me because he was unhappy and wanted freedom....what did I do wrong, what do I do now.

 

2. My boyfriend hates sex.

 

Actually #2 should be #1. I always feel sexually frustrated and rejected just before he pulls his distnace/ breakup crap....

 

SEVENTY threads started. In one year. That's almost 3 threads a month. Roughly one every 9.62 days.

 

ABOUT THE SAME THING.

 

I must be one of LS's renown psychopaths.. one of those posters who regularly complains about the same thing, receives the same fantastic advice, and discards it on the spot. Funny how even as I say that... I am hoping someone can tell me something new. Offer me a new glimpse into his mind (so that I would know how to change him), offer me a sliver of hope.

 

I always defend our relationship... I always say that it is mostly good, that whatever rough spots we have are because of "my insanity". Well... it can't be mostly good if I am in tears and stressing out to the point that I develop an allergic reaction every 10 days...and I wasn't insane before I met him. I had confidence, self-esteem, expectations for how I wanted to be treated, what love meant to me. I was happy!

 

I think I know what I have to do. This time I'm going to do it differently. No big blowout before I'm ready. I'm going to take a week, or two weeks, or three - however long *I* need, screw him and his feelings - to feel sane and whole without him. Then I'm going to tell him it's over. If he asks why, I'll direct him here, to my history. I'm glad it's all in writing... all stored by date. I had no idea it was this bad.

[ash519]

I'm sorry you are going through all of this right now. It is really hard. I just took a peek at your past posts and you have been on a rollercoaster of a relationship, and just like me, it tends to be the same situation.

 

It seems like your bf is who he is, and i think what you wrote in your very last post is smart.

 

I dont know if you want to work things out now, but if you do, why dont you try being completely honest with him (since you may break up with him anyway). Tell him you arent happy either and it is very hard to take his hot and cold attitude. Tell him that it is hard for you to stay in this relationship and if he wants it to continue he needs to really take a step and compromise. Tell him if he needs space, to tell you, not just start ignoring you and blowing you off...and tell him the whole closing you out stuff in unexceptable.

 

If you dont want to work things out than that is ok too...tell him what went wrong for you, you want more, and he cant give that to you. I wish you the best of luck!!!

[littlekitty]

insomnie it's good you took the time to look at that. To see the pattern of the rollercoaster you've been riding.

 

Now you have to take the next step, and stick to those words. Take some action and put yourself first.

[Lauriebell82]

insomnie, i know you posted in my other thread about how your bf hates fighting with you. Well it sounds to me like he deserves you getting pissed off at him. Even if he treats you right for most of the time, his intermittant distancing doesn't fly. You shouldnt have to put up with that. I think at this point you are making excuses for his behavior (I do that for my bf too).

 

I agree with Ash that you need to tell your bf that your not happy, and that things need to change. Don't threaten him with an ultimatum, but be honest with him. Tell him what your telling us (in a non-threatening and non-attacking way). If he really does love you and want to work things out than he will try better to make you happy. If he doesn't, then he's not worth your time. After 3 years, he should want to save your relationship.

[Ruby]

that last post made me cry!

 

To come to a realisation that it is all over with someone you love is so sad!

 

Especially when you just want to be happy!

 

What a shame

[dropdeadlegs]

insomnie,

 

I never thought of you as a psychopath, I always knew you are a highly intelligent woman. being smart doesn't mean we are "emotionally" smart. I know I'm not, despite my fairly high IQ.

 

I must commend you for doing what I have often advised some posters to do, look at your own past history on LS. I think it is awesome that threads last forever. They are similar to a journal in that respect.

 

It can, at times, be frustrating to those doing the advising to see the same story with only mild variations posted again, and again. However, we all have to come to our own conclusions at our own pace and I try to remember that. It is common to defend our SO when there ARE times of happiness in the relationship.

 

All that said, I think your BF put you in the friend zone some time ago. I'm sure he loves you, but not in the way you need to be loved. I think you deserve to be loved in the way you have described you need to be loved. Remember, even though someone doesn't love us the way we need them to, they are probably loving us with everything they've got. Sometimes their "everything" just isn't enough for us. We can't change people to suit our needs. There is someone out there that can meet your needs better. It is hard to let go, but I think you are ready to do it.

 

Hope your meeting with the therapist goes well and gives you some strength to do what you already know needs to be done.

[directx]

Break it off.

Move on.

Find someone that appreciates you.

You have nothing to lose IMO

[norajane]

Since you looked at your past threads, I'll remind you of something you said in your Square One thread:

 

I feel like I'm always going to smother him no matter what because he doesn't want a girlfriend right now

And I'll quote my reply:

 

This is the crux of your problem. There is no way to change your behavior in order to make him want a girlfriend - either he does or he doesn't. If he doesn't, he'll always make you feel like you're a nuisance, like you're infringing on his precious time, like you are last on his list of priorities.

 

Don't you want to be with someone who looks forward to his time with you, who is eager to see you, who doesn't treat you as though he is sacrificing his time to be with you?

 

You are wasting yourself on him. You're in college. Tons of guys around. Open your eyes and stop beating your head against the wall.

 

While you are so wrapped up in the drama with this guy, you are missing opportunities to meet other men. Don't let your life pass you by mired in a losing battle.

[Aloros]

*BIG HUGS!* I know what you're going through. I dated a guy who wasn't right for me for 5.5 years. I started posting around the last year of our relationship about how frustrated I was, how he couldn't keep his promises, how he blamed his problems on everyone else and never himself.

 

And I did the same thing you did. I defended our relationship. It was good sometimes. I felt crazy sometimes too, and wondered where myself as a calm, well-adjusted individual had flitted off to.

 

You don't want to be with someone who causes you this much stress and anguish. You should be with someone who lowers your overall stress level, not raises it!

 

I'm glad you came to the same realization I did (and it didn't take you as long!). You'll probably feel very sad at first, and you may wonder what the hell you're doing (don't give in to this feeling! Go back and read your posts if you need to!), but give it a few weeks and I guarantee you'll start to feel sooo much better. You won't have to worry about him anymore, why he's not calling you, does he care/not care, etc. It's a huge burden lifted.

 

I'm with a guy now who treats me like I put the moon in the sky and doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me. Better than that, he makes me feel loved. You'll have your happy ending, just not with this guy.

 

Good luck.

[pelagicsands]

He does make me feel good and happy. Almost all of the time.

That sounds just about perfect. That only leaves a tiny amount of time to feel not so happy. And you need that perspective - to really, really appreciate the happiness.

 

He does seem like the perfect boyfriend.

 

Besides, you could always take up knitting, or something. When he's not making you happy, I mean. You won't get much time to do it, but it's the perfect activity to do in fits and starts. If you live in a warm climate, you might be screwed, though.

 

The big question is - can you live without him? Maybe, possibly... the truth is that he is your soulmate.

[whichwayisup]

Oh My Lord.

 

Because I cannot sleep and I don't have much to do besides hang around LS, I decided to check out all the threads I started since I joined a year ago.

 

There are 70 of them.

 

Excluding a couple of completely random ones, they fall into two groups:

 

1. My boyfriend has been acting cold and distant for the past week and I don't know what to do. Week later: OMG he broke up with me because he was unhappy and wanted freedom....what did I do wrong, what do I do now.

 

2. My boyfriend hates sex.

 

Actually #2 should be #1. I always feel sexually frustrated and rejected just before he pulls his distnace/ breakup crap....

 

SEVENTY threads started. In one year. That's almost 3 threads a month. Roughly one every 9.62 days.

 

ABOUT THE SAME THING.

 

I must be one of LS's renown psychopaths.. one of those posters who regularly complains about the same thing, receives the same fantastic advice, and discards it on the spot. Funny how even as I say that... I am hoping someone can tell me something new. Offer me a new glimpse into his mind (so that I would know how to change him), offer me a sliver of hope.

 

I always defend our relationship... I always say that it is mostly good, that whatever rough spots we have are because of "my insanity". Well... it can't be mostly good if I am in tears and stressing out to the point that I develop an allergic reaction every 10 days...and I wasn't insane before I met him. I had confidence, self-esteem, expectations for how I wanted to be treated, what love meant to me. I was happy!

 

I think I know what I have to do. This time I'm going to do it differently. No big blowout before I'm ready. I'm going to take a week, or two weeks, or three - however long *I* need, screw him and his feelings - to feel sane and whole without him. Then I'm going to tell him it's over. If he asks why, I'll direct him here, to my history. I'm glad it's all in writing... all stored by date. I had no idea it was this bad.

 

You're not a LS's renown psychopaths at all...Actually far from it. Your own posts woke you up! I've never seen anybody on LS actually go back and re-read all their own posts and come to the realization that things won't change, like you just did.

 

I know you love him, and in the short term he may make you happy at times, but if he doesn't change, things will remain the same. You don't wanna be where you are now in 10 years, still feeling neglected, disrespected and getting the cold shoulder from him.

 

Talk to your therapist about all this stuff - DO it at your own pace and when you feel strong enough, definately have THE TALK with the boyfriend.

 

Hugs.

[pelagicsands]

Well, write a list of all the good things about him. And focus on that.

 

One thing is very important. If you break up, then be prepared to be overrun with thoughts of them being sexed by someone else. A lot. And in every position conceivable. Something to think about, before you do anything you might regret.

[jcster]

"One thing is very important. If you break up, then be prepared to be overrun with thoughts of them being sexed by someone else. A lot. And in every position conceivable. Something to think about, before you do anything you might regret."

 

Wow! That is NOT constructive advice! Perhaps she should imagine herself being sexed by someone else - a lot....far more constructive at this point.

 

Insomnie - I spent 10 years in a marriage that made me happy a decent amount of time, but miserable for increasingly longer periods of time. It sounds like you've reached the tipping point. If you wait much longer you will regret not giving yourself the chance to find someone who truly suits you.

[pelagicsands]

Insomnie - I spent 10 years in a marriage that made me happy

That's great! So I guess you're saying she should stick it out for a few more years - there are many more good times ahead. It's good to know that things can last for a decade, no less.

[jcster]

Well Pelagicsands - I'm guessing reading for content isn't your forte. Good luck with that.

[Teddy and Jane]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Another poster has said that this guy could be your "soulmate" but soulmates want to talk to you at least on a daily basis and don't want their "freedom" from you. I think you are on the right track from trying to move on from him. You will meet someone who does love you like you should be loved, and you will wonder why you stayed with your current bf for so long.

[Teddy and Jane]

Well Pelagicsands - I'm guessing reading for content isn't your forte. Good luck with that.

 

I noticed she does that a lot, quotes things completely out of context and thinks it's funny. She also mocks the OP, in giving "advice."

[jcster]

Well, I guess trolls need entertainment too - It's just too bad that people in pain have to put up with this idiocy.

[Star Gazer]

I never thought of you as a psychopath, I always knew you are a highly intelligent woman. being smart doesn't mean we are "emotionally" smart. I know I'm not, despite my fairly high IQ.

 

I must commend you for doing what I have often advised some posters to do, look at your own past history on LS. I think it is awesome that threads last forever. They are similar to a journal in that respect.

 

I couldn't agree more. I never thought of you as a psycho either, but it drove me crazy watching you go in circles over and over and over and over.

 

I gotta commend you for going back and reading your previous posts. I did the same thing once when I was under a different name. I was so embarassed for myself, but it was exactly the kick in the pants that I needed.

 

I also agree with NJ - you have been so blinded by your love for this (loser) guy that you are missing plentiful opportunities for REAL HAPPINESS with other men. Please, don't let your life pass you by...

 

End it with this guy, and soon. It will hurt at first, you'll be tempted to relapse...but it'll all be worth it in the end.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I guess trolls need entertainment too - It's just too bad that people in pain have to put up with this idiocy.

 

 

PH isn't a troll. You just have to dismiss his messages within the important threads.