Author forbidden fruit Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 just because kids play togeather you do NOT have to have contact with both parents. Just deal with mom. Your party invitation. Stop worrying about what neighbors are going to think. It isnt worth the head ache it causes you. You shouldnt have invited them. The SECOND you called him to tell him NOT to come you guaranteed him being there. Why? CONTROL! You have been given multiple routes to take by a number of people on here. YOU say YOU have tried but it fails because of HIM. Wrong, it fails because of YOU. So it looks like one of two things 1) You dont want the affair to end deep down. 2) You like the drama and attention. Which one is it? I would LOVE for you to prove me wrong. I really would. But ultimitly its come down to you. No one can force you to do anything. Including MM. Maybe you are right maybe I don't want it to end deep down because a tiny part of me still cares about him and maybe i do like the drama and attention. However, I still above else care about myself and my family more so I will not speak to him because I can't allow myself to be treated this way. So how do I fight these conflicting feelings within myself? What do I say to myself when and if he comes around. I think my e-mail was the end so I think I don't have to worry about him coming around because he is scared of me telling w. So now how do I heal and move on ?
hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Do the right thing and tell your husband. God almighty cheaters are the biggest cowards on the face of the earth.
bonehead Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Maybe you are right maybe I don't want it to end deep down because a tiny part of me still cares about him and maybe i do like the drama and attention. However, I still above else care about myself and my family more so I will not speak to him because I can't allow myself to be treated this way. So how do I fight these conflicting feelings within myself? What do I say to myself when and if he comes around. I think my e-mail was the end so I think I don't have to worry about him coming around because he is scared of me telling w. So now how do I heal and move on ? How do you fight the feelings? First of all you need to figure out why in the world you still have ANY feelings for a man who has told you time and again he couldnt give 2 SH*TS about how you feel. Then I would start getting professional help to figure out why you seem to be drawn to that. Honestly I am not trying to be an a*s here. This has been a thought of mine through out this whole episode with you. Second, YOU need to tell yourself every day the truth about how he has treated you. He isnt afraid of you telling his wife. Can tell you dont play poker much. When you bluff like that you have to have less to lose then the other party. He knows you wont tell because of what you have at stake also. He knows you wont risk it or you would have already.
annabelle75 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Do the right thing and tell your husband. God almighty cheaters are the biggest cowards on the face of the earth. That isn't necessarily the best thing she can do right now. She needs to make a solid break from the MM and then decide what is best for her H. I am a firm believer in honesty but I do believe there are situations where it is best to not tell. He may be better off not knowing, for now at least. If the only reason she is coming clean is to help her end the affair, than no. She needs to wait and do it at a time where she can deal with her husbands feelings of hurt and betrayal. She won't be able to be there for him now since she is dealing with her own pain. If she really wants to save her marraige she needs to wait until she can help her H deal with the truth.
hurting_in_nw Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 That isn't necessarily the best thing she can do right now. She needs to make a solid break from the MM and then decide what is best for her H. I am a firm believer in honesty but I do believe there are situations where it is best to not tell. He may be better off not knowing, for now at least. If the only reason she is coming clean is to help her end the affair, than no. She needs to wait and do it at a time where she can deal with her husbands feelings of hurt and betrayal. She won't be able to be there for him now since she is dealing with her own pain. If she really wants to save her marraige she needs to wait until she can help her H deal with the truth. I see your point, but given the way she's carrying on about OM and her purely selfish reasons for wanting to save the marriage, it doesn't sound like she wants to do it because of her undying love for her H.
annabelle75 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 I see your point, but given the way she's carrying on about OM and her purely selfish reasons for wanting to save the marriage, it doesn't sound like she wants to do it because of her undying love for her H. I agree with you on her motivations to keep the marriage right now and that is why she needs to make a clean break with the MM before she makes any decisions about confessing. I've seen it happen where the CW told her husband while still dealing with the break up with the OM and it was very painful for all involved. At that point in time there was no way to even attempt to save the marriage. She needs to figure why she thinks she wants to save the marriage and if she realizes that she really does for the right reasons, she can then confess to him. At this point in time I think it would be for selfish reasons (i.e. to relieve guilt and help her break it off with the MM).
Meaplus3 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 She doesnt want to end it. She lives for the drama. I think she is addicted to that more then she is to the MM. I gave up. I use to get so frustrated with this situation. I tried to help out, but if she doesnt want it its not going to happen. Bonehead, Funny thing is I thought about you and all the help you have offered FF! She does not want to listen to anyone!!! I agree that she is addicted to the Drama, I was myself but then I got HELP! FF, I wish you would listen and forget him! He is married to someone else and clearly does not want to leave his marriage for what ever reasons. Do you want to ruin your life? What about H and your kid's? I thought you loved your H? You need therapy and quick or this will turn into a complete nightmare for you. AP:)
whichwayisup Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 NO good can come of this. FF you know this. You aren't continuing the affair, you aren't leaving your spouses for eachother, so what is the point of doing this come here, go away dance with him? Bottomline, if you want it over, it will be over. All you have to do is stop playing the game with him and seek therapy. The therapy can help you figure out why you keep letting him back into your life. It will also help you cope with being his neighbour. Someone mentioned about just dealing with his wife. START doing that. You cannot banish his children out of your children's lives. That's cruel and they shouldn't have to suffer because YOU can't handle it. It was you and the MM who allowed things to get to this point, so BOTH of you have to deal with the fallout of your affair. Sooner or later BOTH of your spouses will figure it out. Sorry, but the way you and the MM neighbour are acting, you're both making FOOLS of your spouses. TO their faces and behind their backs. I doubt very much either of your spouses will be completely shocked once the truth comes out. Devstated, yes, but not surprised. I really don't know how to help you anymore. When you want to do the work and keep on the straight and narrow, let me know and I WILL help. Until then, all I can do is watch the train wreck and wait for you to open your eyes, get to therapy and start working on yourself so you CAN end this once and for all.
bonehead Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 She has to REALLY want it before ANYTHING will change.
Author forbidden fruit Posted May 12, 2007 Author Posted May 12, 2007 She has to REALLY want it before ANYTHING will change. Well I lost it yesterday and the only thing that held me back from opening this whole thing up was my kids and possibly ruining their lives. I do not want them to pay for my mistake their entire lives. My xmm called me in a.m. and wanted to meet and I blew him off and then he said we would talk later. Really in my mind their was nothing to talk about. Later in the day I got so angry with seeing him and for him not caring about enough me . Anyways I do not need to hear how wrong this was beause I already know but could not get a handle on my emotions. I called mm and told him I was going to expose everything and get ready. I knew I had no intention of doing this but I wanted him to feel some of the anxiety and hurt. I have been feeling. so yes that was my lowest point and now i am done. He will definately not be coming over anymore. I once and for all closed the door because now to him I am loose cannon and now he can see friendship is impossible like I have said all along. So neither of us wins and now I can start to repair all the damage I have caused my family.
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 You've taken the first real step of taking back control, good for you! I hope you mean it this time. Only problem is, he knows you are bluffing. If he felt ANY real inkling that you were gonna drop the bomb and create a D-Day, he'd be talking to his wife right now and not waiting for you to spill it. And, chances are, he'd be making YOU out to be the bad guy, not him. Get some therapy to help you cope (sorry, can't remember if you said you are seeing a therapist or not.) through this.
Meaplus3 Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 Well I lost it yesterday and the only thing that held me back from opening this whole thing up was my kids and possibly ruining their lives. I do not want them to pay for my mistake their entire lives. My xmm called me in a.m. and wanted to meet and I blew him off and then he said we would talk later. Really in my mind their was nothing to talk about. Later in the day I got so angry with seeing him and for him not caring about enough me . Anyways I do not need to hear how wrong this was beause I already know but could not get a handle on my emotions. I called mm and told him I was going to expose everything and get ready. I knew I had no intention of doing this but I wanted him to feel some of the anxiety and hurt. I have been feeling. so yes that was my lowest point and now i am done. He will definately not be coming over anymore. I once and for all closed the door because now to him I am loose cannon and now he can see friendship is impossible like I have said all along. So neither of us wins and now I can start to repair all the damage I have caused my family. FF, I Hope you have closed that door, because if not you will be headed for so much trouble! You know that I can relate to you, and really I want to see you move on from this "A". You are better than all this!! You have a family to think about. This MM has hurt you and can not be trusted. Forget about who wins, who has the last word and the control! Really FF, you are going to drive your self into the NUT house, and I am sure that's not where you want to spend your day's. I don't mean to souind harsh to you FF, but your situation hit's home to me, more so than anyother I have read on LS! Good Luck FF! Please get some therapy. AP:)
bonehead Posted May 13, 2007 Posted May 13, 2007 I called mm and told him I was going to expose everything and get ready. I knew I had no intention of doing this but I wanted him to feel some of the anxiety and hurt. I have been feeling. so yes that was my lowest point and now i am done. He will definately not be coming over anymore FF, I hope he believes you, but I have my doubts. YOU need to get this under control.
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