forbidden fruit Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Some of you are familiar with my situation. Anyways after 3 weeks of NC I began to act neighborly again. Well that led us to flirting, but I halted that and we now act as if nothing has ever happened between us after 18 months of having a affair. So now I figuring I can be friends with him, but then one day he brings a gift over for my h . Something totally out of the blue and then i think you *******. I have been waiting for something like this all this time and now you give it to my H. Does he think one watch is going to make up for him screwing his W. So once again I am mad at xmm and realize thre really is no going back and while he wants it to work so badly there is too much hurt and too many people involved to be just friends. So now I immediately regret my decision. Should I say anything to xmm or just continue NC? Why is he being like this and should I try to be civil for the kids?
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Go back and read ALL your past posts. The answers you're looking for are in those past and quite recent replies, plus your own insight into your situation. FF, you KNOW you cannot be buddies with the MM neighbour. IT won't work. Being neighbourly IS "hey, how are ya?" then moving along. You do not have to be friends with him, you can be civil to him WITHOUT having a friendship. All this will end when you decide you really want to. To be honest, it seems you still want him around, in some sort of way...I think you miss how he made you feel. Also, your anger at him should be directed at yourself too. You're letting him DO this to you. Another thing to think about is, your H and his W are CLUELESS about the affair, consider how your H would feel if he finds out. All those little things that are happening now will mean nothing once you two have a D-Day. Consider yourself lucky that it's just you and the MM who know...It could be worse - You could have two innocent spouses in your face, you could have a bunch of innocent children who have to deal with their lives being turned upside down because of the affair.... You don't have to talk this over with him. Just do it. Stop thinking about what he might think or feel. IT just doesn't matter.
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 1. Should I say anything to xmm or just continue NC? 2. Why is he being like this and should I try to be civil for the kids? If you keep putting your hand on hot burner, you will continue to get burned. Eventually you will tire of blistering and hurting yourself and you will remove your hand from the burner permanently. The MM is the burner. You are blistering and destroying your own heart by your unwillingness to do what is best for yourself, and in the best interests of your heart. You tell yourself that you need to talk to him "in order to clear things up" and that you want to be civil "for the kids". Bottom line - these are excuses - what they are an exuse for is a faint shred of hope, and only serve to keep it alive. Answers? 1. No, do not say anything. Stop leaving the door open like that. Shut the door, and walk away. Continue NC. 2. It doesn't matter why he is being like this. It really doesn't. No, you do not have to be civil. You do not have to be hostile either. Simply keep it to a polite indifference.
Meaplus3 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Some of you are familiar with my situation. Anyways after 3 weeks of NC I began to act neighborly again. Well that led us to flirting, but I halted that and we now act as if nothing has ever happened between us after 18 months of having a affair. So now I figuring I can be friends with him, but then one day he brings a gift over for my h . Something totally out of the blue and then i think you *******. I have been waiting for something like this all this time and now you give it to my H. Does he think one watch is going to make up for him screwing his W. So once again I am mad at xmm and realize thre really is no going back and while he wants it to work so badly there is too much hurt and too many people involved to be just friends. So now I immediately regret my decision. Should I say anything to xmm or just continue NC? Why is he being like this and should I try to be civil for the kids? FF, You know that the two of you can't be friend's. If you continue any form of contact with him it will only lead you back into the "A". You need to want to stay away from him in order for you to move on. I know it's tough when he's right across the street, but forbidden right now is your chance to walk away from this without having to deal with a big mess! Think about it. If you get back into the "A" there's a good chance that your spouses could find out. Do you want that to happen? Even though I told my H about the A, it's now very uncomfortable for me. I have to live everyday with the fact that he just might comfront MM. FF, you don't want to live like that, trust me! You need to stick to NC and that's it! Your strong. Have some faith in yourself. AP:)
Jinxx Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Continue NC. Stay far away as possible. Put it behind you and stay strong. It is just not worth it.
Author forbidden fruit Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Continue NC. Stay far away as possible. Put it behind you and stay strong. It is just not worth it. I just can't do it!! I am dying inside and I am so mad at myself. Today we talked and talked and went round in our usual circle. He said for us to be friends for right now and I said what do I do with all the feelings and what do you do with them. He said I am guy and I am not as emotional as you, but I still feel the same. Because we are both married with small children this is the way it has to be. I still love my h and I thinks he still loves his wife , but we just have something and it not the sex because we are not doing that. We just liked being around each other. The problem is I cannot be with him and cannot be away from him. The fact that I love a narcissist what does that say about me? Please do not bag me I am in a very fragile state and I am not surre what I looking for by posting.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 FF, then my suggestion is to seek some therapy to find out what it is inside you that keeps this door open. I am sorry my post earlier was harsh. I care about what happens to you and I know you've tried really hard to get him out of your system...I don't know what kind of advice to give you anymore - Until you're really ready to change how you feel, react, think and behave around him, most of my posts to you won't sink in. Consider the therapy, it can only help you work things out.
Tomcat33 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 He said I am guy and I am not as emotional as you, but I still feel the same. Because we are both married with small children this is the way it has to be. . Not that it's any consolation but listen to what he is saying, that is his polite way of saying I know this is hard but I can do it, you are going to have to find a way to do it too. Unfortunately, you cannot turn to him for support since he is the source of your pain. Find a way to cope with the initial loss of the rel., and if you find you cannot do it alone, do seek some professional help it's ok to get help in a time like this. But listen to what he is saying.
Author forbidden fruit Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Not that it's any consolation but listen to what he is saying, that is his polite way of saying I know this is hard but I can do it, you are going to have to find a way to do it too. Unfortunately, you cannot turn to him for support since he is the source of your pain. Find a way to cope with the initial loss of the rel., and if you find you cannot do it alone, do seek some professional help it's ok to get help in a time like this. But listen to what he is saying. I wish it was that easy. Everytime I say I need time to heal he comes back with okay let's meet. Tom cat does not know he ives across the street anf our kids are best friends. I am in therapy and I know it is about boundaries etc, etc. It is simply just the way I feel around him he makes me laugh and of course cry, but it was him before the sex and it still just him after. Do I pick my family up and move , do I try and be friends and suck it up, do I tell H everything? I am at a total loss. Everytime we are just friends some sexual element comes in!!
2sunny Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 well - to move might be a good choice if you intend to save your marriage. in answer to your question - i think your MM gave the watch to your H as a guilt ridden gift that actually is a "I'm sorry" token - without actually having to say it outloud (coward). it also means he is a guy who tries to buy his way in life with monetary items as much as his affection... kind of shallow! (kind of?) JMO though...
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Telling your husband and exposing to MM's wife will end things. That honestly is the only way to resolve this situation at this point. Neither you nor the MM can end this on your own, so the ending has to be brutally forced. Exposure is the way to shut that door. Probably forever. What to do? Expose the affair to your H and MM's wife, and then move away. Far away. Do not leave any way for MM to contact you in any way, shape or form. The only way to heal is through complete no contact: time and distance help too.
Meaplus3 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Telling your husband and exposing to MM's wife will end things. That honestly is the only way to resolve this situation at this point. Neither you nor the MM can end this on your own, so the ending has to be brutally forced. Exposure is the way to shut that door. Probably forever. What to do? Expose the affair to your H and MM's wife, and then move away. Far away. Do not leave any way for MM to contact you in any way, shape or form. The only way to heal is through complete no contact: time and distance help too. Sorry, but I don't agree with FF telling his wife! MM's wife should here it from him. FF should consider telling her H. I think you are right about the fact that the only way for this A to end is exposure. I know telling my H was the only way for me, and I am so glad I did. I was lucky that he did not throw me out on the street, however in FF's case she had a full blown A. Who know's how here H will react? Mine was simply an ea and that was damaging enough to reveal. What ever you do FF, think about it long and hard! AP:)
Author forbidden fruit Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Sorry, but I don't agree with FF telling his wife! MM's wife should here it from him. FF should consider telling her H. I think you are right about the fact that the only way for this A to end is exposure. I know telling my H was the only way for me, and I am so glad I did. I was lucky that he did not throw me out on the street, however in FF's case she had a full blown A. Who know's how here H will react? Mine was simply an ea and that was damaging enough to reveal. What ever you do FF, think about it long and hard! AP:) I really just need to get this off my chest and I don't expect anybody to be supportive, but it really helps to put it down in words and out of my head. My mm talked again today and I realized I am completely and utterly addicted. What else would explain all of the bad behavior I have put up not to mention all the inappropriate things I have done. I feel like I am addicted to a drug. If i don't see him I get antsy and when I do see him I don't want to let him go. I wonder if he feels the same because he keeps coming back also. I told him today I can't be friends and I will be honest that there is such chemistry between us it is so hard not to want to something with him. I know if I told let's meet he would throw that friends thing in the toilet.I keep saying we can't and he agrees because we both feel worse after all of the guilt. I guess like the other threads about breaking the addiction is that I will feel horrible for awhile and then things will get easier. I keep thinking if he truly just wanted to be friends why wouldn't he stay away until the feelings we have would be gone and we could truly be platonic. What is he thinking by saying try the friends thing? He told me he is not leaving now and he said neither are you so isn't us being together as friends better than not seeing each other at all -WTF totally confused. Any thoughts would be great!!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 What is he thinking by saying try the friends thing? He is thinking that he can continue to use you the way he has been doing all along, and call it "friends" so that you both can pretend that what you are doing isn't wrong. FF - here is one thing you aren't seeing, and refuse to understand. YOU AREN'T FRIENDS. There is no friendship. You have got to stop hanging on to these shreds of hope that he genuinely cares for you. He doesn't. If he did, he wouldn't be putting you through this. You aren't ready to let him go. That is why you will not take the necessary steps to end this affair - and by end it, I mean - you tell your husband what is going on, you go to counseling to see what can be salvaged, and you physically move away and never talk to this guy again.
Meaplus3 Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 FF, You Need to WANT to let go of him! Until you WANT to let go you can't really move forward here my friend. I was going through the same thing FF and it was when I made the choice in my mind to "Shut" the door on him. You and he are NOT friend's and never will be, not after all the feeling's there's just NO way. I know it's not easy with him across the street, I can very much relate. However you can and will if you WANT to let him go. I think you need to find therapy to guide you through this struggle. I started Therapy to rid my feeling's. The first 6 month's of therapy for me was all about the A. Now it's about myself and my marriage. Think about what you have with your H and your kid's, because that's what matter's FF. Hug's. AP:) Feel free to PM me anytime.
Frances Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 Telling your husband and exposing to MM's wife will end things. That honestly is the only way to resolve this situation at this point. Neither you nor the MM can end this on your own, so the ending has to be brutally forced. Exposure is the way to shut that door. Probably forever. What to do? Expose the affair to your H and MM's wife Confession is good for the soul but whose soul? If the affair is truly over and the h and mms wife does not know about it why should they have to put up with the pain. It takes guts to handle the guilt, but is it fair to off load it?
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2007 Posted May 1, 2007 The thing is, the more FF and the MM hangout, with all that sexual energy and flirting going on, their friendship and how familiar they are with eachother, EVENTUALLY his wife or her husband will notice and catch on. It takes guts to handle the guilt, but is it fair to off load it? Was it fair of them both to cheat on their spouses and not consider their feelings? Neither his wife nor FF's husband gave ANY blessings so the two of them could go off and have an affair...Maybe if the truth comes out, MM's wife and FF's husband can CHOOSE what they want to do... Go read inapanic's thread, do a site search on her name. She ended up confessing about her affair as she wasn't able to keep it to herself, the guilt got to her and she knew she had to come clean. As far as I know they are working it out, her husband is giving her a second chance.
Author forbidden fruit Posted May 2, 2007 Author Posted May 2, 2007 The thing is, the more FF and the MM hangout, with all that sexual energy and flirting going on, their friendship and how familiar they are with eachother, EVENTUALLY his wife or her husband will notice and catch on. Was it fair of them both to cheat on their spouses and not consider their feelings? Neither his wife nor FF's husband gave ANY blessings so the two of them could go off and have an affair...Maybe if the truth comes out, MM's wife and FF's husband can CHOOSE what they want to do... Go read inapanic's thread, do a site search on her name. She ended up confessing about her affair as she wasn't able to keep it to herself, the guilt got to her and she knew she had to come clean. As far as I know they are working it out, her husband is giving her a second chance. I cannot tell my H because I will lose my kids and I definately am not prepared for that. My mm will lose his also. My mm says he does not want a physical relationship because of all the guilt involved, but his actions are far from that. So I need to take control of the situation, but as you all know it takes alot of strength to do. What are some of things I will be feeling once I cut off the addiction which is to see him. the funny thing is i can't imagine my life without him, but I can't imagine my life with him. i feel like he has brainwashed me. What do I do to break the addiction besided the obvious of NC?
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I cannot tell my H because I will lose my kids and I definately am not prepared for that. My mm will lose his also. Hopefully soon what you said above will be enough to make you want to stop with the MM. You two have ALOT to lose, so is it worth feeding those feelings? Is losing your life as you know it worth afew stolen moments with MM? It's obvious that you two cannot be "just friends." You've both tried that and it just doesn't work. Sooner or later you either have to cut ALL ties with him and MOVE, or somehow find a way to just be a "hello and goodbye" wave at eachother neighbour. Distance yourself emotionally and physically from him - And NEVER put yourself IN that situation where you two are alone. Not only because a kiss or something could happen, but an inappriopriate conversation DOES happen. Get to a therapist and sort this out, please. I'm not sure if you can go at this without having a trained professional help you cope better. Bottomline, you MUST make a decision and stick to it. If you choose to no longer BE a friend or accept his friendship - Close the door, lock it and throw away the key - Forever. This friendship with him is unhealthy and doing damage. Even though he may make you feel good in the moment, it is not a healthy friendship at all.
Author forbidden fruit Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 Hopefully soon what you said above will be enough to make you want to stop with the MM. You two have ALOT to lose, so is it worth feeding those feelings? Is losing your life as you know it worth afew stolen moments with MM? It's obvious that you two cannot be "just friends." You've both tried that and it just doesn't work. Sooner or later you either have to cut ALL ties with him and MOVE, or somehow find a way to just be a "hello and goodbye" wave at eachother neighbour. Distance yourself emotionally and physically from him - And NEVER put yourself IN that situation where you two are alone. Not only because a kiss or something could happen, but an inappriopriate conversation DOES happen. Get to a therapist and sort this out, please. I'm not sure if you can go at this without having a trained professional help you cope better. Bottomline, you MUST make a decision and stick to it. If you choose to no longer BE a friend or accept his friendship - Close the door, lock it and throw away the key - Forever. This friendship with him is unhealthy and doing damage. Even though he may make you feel good in the moment, it is not a healthy friendship at all. Well alot has happened since this last quote. I had a neighborhood party last week so of course I invited mm and w. However, I called mm and told him I invited him only so their was no supsicion from other neighbors. I asked him not to come and said his W could but he needed to fake being sick. I simply realized I could not be friends , plus he was comng over everyday leading up to the party and it was all to hurtful for me to deal with it. Anyways he comes to the party I am edge and not at ease because he was suppossed to do something for me that showed he cared and he did not follow through. So of course I am pissed and then I find out from a mutual friend that he thought one of my friends was cute. Well that was it and I sent him an e-mail to not come near me or I would tell his W and my h everything. I also went on to tell him what i really thought of him and it was not nice. So he fires me back four consecutive e-mails which do not even address my feelings of hurt. It simply addresses the fact he never said those things about my friend and he thinks my behavior toward him is destructive. So I fired another one back and said fine then you can see we cannot be friends. So that was that and I made up my mind to NC the entire family. Howeveer my heart broke because his little girl was standing outside today and wanted my kids to play. He is gone so I could of done it, but she reminds me of him and I have to let him go. Does this make me a horrible person on top of all the other thiings I have done? not sure how to handle all this
movinon05 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 How do you handle the children???? You suck it up! My children and exMMs children all played together too, but they were older. My son and his daughter went to the 8th grade dinner dance together. They had pictures taken at both houses. While all four parents knew of the A by that time, the children did not. What did we do? We sucked it up! So they could have their night. We all had graduation parties. Our kids went to each other's parties. Did I keep his daughter from my house because it made me think of him? No! I sucked it up! Did they keep my son from their house? No! They sucked it up! Their son played ball with my sons too! Did we keep them apart? No! We sucked it up!!!! You are not really in the position to just stop all contact with the child! These children are very young. You can't punish them because of your mistake. Do you really think you can keep these children apart when being friends and playing together is all they know? Instead, you watched that little girl all by herself waiting for your kids, because she makes you think of him. And he wasn't around anyway! Well, didn't you think of him anyway while you were feeling so bad? What's the difference? Suck it up! For the children! Go NC with him, but suck it up for the children!!!!
Meaplus3 Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 FF, I think that is awful to NC the kid's! You really need to grow up here! My H know's about my ea and he still play's with mm's kid's as well as myself. I am sorry to say this to you, but I think you clearly don't not want this A to end because if you did, you would close the door for good on this MM and you won't seem to do that! You are playing a very dangerous game here and I am afraid this whole thing is going to blow right up in your face if don't simply END the drama! Sorry to be so blunt, but snap out of it FF and move on! AP:)
bonehead Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 FF, I think that is awful to NC the kid's! You really need to grow up here! My H know's about my ea and he still play's with mm's kid's as well as myself. I am sorry to say this to you, but I think you clearly don't not want this A to end because if you did, you would close the door for good on this MM and you won't seem to do that! You are playing a very dangerous game here and I am afraid this whole thing is going to blow right up in your face if don't simply END the drama! Sorry to be so blunt, but snap out of it FF and move on! AP:) She doesnt want to end it. She lives for the drama. I think she is addicted to that more then she is to the MM. I gave up. I use to get so frustrated with this situation. I tried to help out, but if she doesnt want it its not going to happen.
Author forbidden fruit Posted May 9, 2007 Author Posted May 9, 2007 She doesnt want to end it. She lives for the drama. I think she is addicted to that more then she is to the MM. I gave up. I use to get so frustrated with this situation. I tried to help out, but if she doesnt want it its not going to happen. Bonehead why are you talking to me in third person. I completely understand what you are saying and I have nc with xmm, but he knows that if his daughter is in he is in a well. What do i have to tell him so he knows I am clear she can play but he cannot. Isn't that a conversation I don't want to have with him if I am NC. Furthermore, wasn't it you bonehead that said I cannot have any contact with anybody in their family and ap wasn't it you who said you had become his babysitting service how is that NC. I am not trying to be mean, but you are both being very critical and it is tough because I am in it and I am dealing with a narcissist. I don't know how to set boundaries with someone like him because I have never met anyone like him. So please cut me some slack. I will not be in contact with him. I sent him the e-mail to him that bonehead wrote a while back. So i suspect that is that and now I can heal myself and move past this, but some support would be nice. I though i could count on you guys.
bonehead Posted May 9, 2007 Posted May 9, 2007 Bonehead why are you talking to me in third person. I completely understand what you are saying and I have nc with xmm, but he knows that if his daughter is in he is in a well. What do i have to tell him so he knows I am clear she can play but he cannot. Isn't that a conversation I don't want to have with him if I am NC. Furthermore, wasn't it you bonehead that said I cannot have any contact with anybody in their family and ap wasn't it you who said you had become his babysitting service how is that NC. I am not trying to be mean, but you are both being very critical and it is tough because I am in it and I am dealing with a narcissist. I don't know how to set boundaries with someone like him because I have never met anyone like him. So please cut me some slack. I will not be in contact with him. I sent him the e-mail to him that bonehead wrote a while back. So i suspect that is that and now I can heal myself and move past this, but some support would be nice. I though i could count on you guys. just because kids play togeather you do NOT have to have contact with both parents. Just deal with mom. Your party invitation. Stop worrying about what neighbors are going to think. It isnt worth the head ache it causes you. You shouldnt have invited them. The SECOND you called him to tell him NOT to come you guaranteed him being there. Why? CONTROL! You have been given multiple routes to take by a number of people on here. YOU say YOU have tried but it fails because of HIM. Wrong, it fails because of YOU. So it looks like one of two things 1) You dont want the affair to end deep down. 2) You like the drama and attention. Which one is it? I would LOVE for you to prove me wrong. I really would. But ultimitly its come down to you. No one can force you to do anything. Including MM.
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