How do I get over him?

[LoveSux]

Long story short:

 

We have never even been on a single date. I'm a married, returning student in my early 30s and he's my also-married professor (exactly the same age as me).

 

My marriage has burned out a while ago. I've tried my hardest to revive it - including begging husband to try couples' counselling (which he adamantly refused), and so I went to individual counselling, worked hard at improving my own self-esteem (which was very low), lost a lot of weight (37 lbs to be exact), got a make-over, went back to school and am doing better now, although the lack of support or companionship from my husband hurts me. We have one child together and I try to be as good a mother as possible. We've agreed to stay together for her sake.

 

This semester, I had a professor I've never taken classes from before and he was very warm, very friendly, very compassionate. One day, I just spilled my guts out to him - I had been feeling very low and I just needed someone to talk to. He was shockingly friendly, we talked about a lot of things and well, I began to think of him as more of a peer (being the exact same age helped!). These conversations began to happen more frequently and over the course of the next few weeks, I began to really look forward to them. In class, I keep my distance and treat him respectfully but when we run into each other outside of class, we've just been two good friends. This wouldn't have been so bad except that I've realized that I'm now deeply and very emotionally bonded to him. The semester ends in the next month and I'm depressed that I will never see him again.

 

I think he's beginning to realize that I have some "feelings" for him because he's moody these days. This last week - when I realized I had feelings for him - is also when he started acting strangely. He's always moody but the last week, he's been really strange and for the first time, has acted like he wants to avoid me. I don't know why - I haven't said / done anything different this past week and I ALWAYS treat him as a student should in class so I'm not sure what the issue is or what he's thinking. Maybe I'm over-analyzing things, maybe he's angry because he realizes that I have feelings for him when we're both married (to different people) and maybe this is just his way of saying 'BACK OFF'.

 

I don't know, but I do care. I know this is wrong and his standoffish attitude has had me in tears all week. I've even tried to skip class and am wondering if I should just drop the class (tomorrow is the last day to drop) and just retake it next semester with some other teacher.

 

I've spent this week crying because his coldness and the realization that I am very attached to him has hit me very hard. I'm very vulnerable at this time and this really hurts. I have some pride but not where he's concerned. I can't bear the thought that I could possibly NEVER see him after next month.

 

People, I know this is all wrong. Even though my husband & I decided to stay together only for the sake of our little one, I still am legally married and so is he. I know this is wrong - please don't judge me harshly - and I need help. Please, just give me some advice. How do I get over him? How do I just stop crying all the time and act my age again? I wish to God I'd never met him.

 

Love just sucks all around.

[LakesideDream]

Sounds like the professor is ahead of you in the wisdom department. My guess is he see's whats going on as you do and is not in the home-wrecking business.

 

Take your que from him, and back off. Dropping the class sounds like a good idea.

 

Then... Walk away from YOUR husband. Everyone's doing it these days, it's all the rage. Just don't take any one else's marriage down with yours.

[LoveSux]

Sounds like the professor is ahead of you in the wisdom department. My guess is he see's whats going on as you do and is not in the home-wrecking business.

 

Take your que from him, and back off. Dropping the class sounds like a good idea.

 

Then... Walk away from YOUR husband. Everyone's doing it these days, it's all the rage. Just don't take any one else's marriage down with yours.

 

Wow, how empathetic. Bad day, huh?

[LakesideDream]

Wow, how empathetic. Bad day, huh?

 

 

Not at all, just not a fan of cake eating homewreckers. If empathy is a requirment how about the OP's empathy for the professors wife and family? She is free to do as she wishes to her family.. society and the law is on her side. Extending her carnage to a second family seems a bit excessive.

 

Not to mention the Soap Opera-esq drama. "Poor poor pitiful me, how do I get over him".... over what?

[AFarAwayPlace]

I would say to return the favor and start acting strangely in return, it's still early, you can get out unscathed, I'd suggest not trying to go further, there will only be heartache for all involved.

[LoveSux]

Not at all, just not a fan of cake eating homewreckers. If empathy is a requirment how about the OP's empathy for the professors wife and family? She is free to do as she wishes to her family.. society and the law is on her side. Extending her carnage to a second family seems a bit excessive.

 

Not to mention the Soap Opera-esq drama. "Poor poor pitiful me, how do I get over him".... over what?

 

Actually, you're the one sounding overly dramatic. Carnage? Soap Opera? Home wrecking?! LOL. Amusing.

 

How about you go back and reread the OP? It said in the first line - haven't been out on a single date. This is a potential emotional affair and I'll grant you that and yes, I see it, too. I just need some support - I was asked to post here to get some candid opinions. If you feel the overwhelming need to attack, how about you attack your ex-wife who betrayed you through out your marriage (yes, I looked up your history here) instead of random people who genuinely recognize when trouble is in the offing but just need some help? I don't see how your comments are "constructive". You need help with your anger and your tendency to dramatize even the ordinary. Save your breath - there's no chance of this becoming the sordid, blood-dripping saga that unfolded in your own life.

 

BTW, did you ever confront the OM? Just curious, LOL.

[LoveSux]

I would say to return the favor and start acting strangely in return, it's still early, you can get out unscathed, I'd suggest not trying to go further, there will only be heartache for all involved.

 

Unfortunately, as it's almost the end of the semester and research papers and presentations and a host of projects become due, it's really hard for me to avoid him or even act moody. I don't have that luxury, given that I'm only a lowly student. What's keeping me hanging in there is that it is only going to be a month more, then I need never see him again. This infatuation isn't going to lead anywhere except to more heartache and as you state, it IS wise to nip it in the bud. Alas, if only it were as easy to implement that in practice!

 

His moodiness makes it worse. I just wish I'd never taken his class.

[LakesideDream]

OK, obviously I have no understanding of the situation. I do suspect however that if the genders were changed there would be many here chiding you to "confess" your "emotional affair" (a concept I am not sure about) to your spouse, and enter intensive couples counseling.

 

One thing I am sure of is that it is unethical and immoral for a married person to covet another married person or a single one for that matter. Your husband at least deserves honesty from you.

 

If you are not satisfied with your marriage, end it.

 

"Carnage, Soap Opera, Homewrecking" Hyperbole? Absolutely. I'm a writer, and I amuse myself with a bit of sarcasm, and dry wit. If you were actually offended, I apologise.

 

Did I confront the OM?

 

Yes and No. I actually "confronted" him six months before the wedding, many years before the "end". I actually thought he had "backed off". Silly me.

 

I didn't see any point in a "confrontation" at the end of the saga. When the oppertunity presented itself, I decided to avoid it. I had much more anger for my ex, then for the OM... but .. the anger I had for him could easily have become lethal. "Mano/Mano" macho confrontations can evolve into physical confrontations and long prison sentences. At 50+ years of age, I was not, and am not willing to risk my freedom for a little "payback".

[LakesideDream]

LoveSux, I am actually feeling guilty. You are asking for "support". I don't know how much you will get here, especially in the infidelity forum.

 

That being said, believe me I know from hard earned experiance that situations like yours, if allowed to germinate and blossom almost always turn out badly.

 

The hormones and endorphines feel so good. Literally intoxicating. The hangover is worse. A few months of bliss can turn into a decade of angst and pain.

 

If you can "break away" and give it enough room to cool off, you will be the better for it. Six months, a year from now, if you feel the same way about the "Professor", maybe you will give it a whirl. Chances are, once the fires have turned to embers you will have a different outlook.

 

I know what you are feeling, and I'm sure that's why I reacted badly.

 

_______________

 

Blue eyes

Blue eyes holding back the tears

Holding back the pain

Baby's got blue eyes

And she's alone, again - Bernie Taupin

[Wibble]

Lovesux, there is very little in the way of "support" that anyone can give you over the internet. You have, through circumstances within your control, got yourself into a situation that is going to lead to heartache WHATEVER happens. A loveless/unsatisfying marriage has made you vulnerable, and you have projected your emotional needs onto someone who has recognised the situation for what it really is. This is causing you genuine pain, but to ease your way out of it, you need to address the root cause - your unhappy marriage.

 

People on this forum may seem un-sympathetic, but frankly, we are ALL aware of the grisly consequences of situations such as yours. Nobody "wins". You now need to get out of the situation whilst there is only one "loser", but you must accept that that "loser" is you. I am not judging you, and not blaming you for the circumstances in which you find yourself; you have had the gumption to realise the futility of the situation, but I am afraid there is no easy way out. That is all the support I can offer.

[lonelybird]

How do I get over him?

 

the only way I can think of is reviving your love feeling for your husband. You have no feeling for your husband anymore? or maybe your focus isn't right. if your focus and energy on your husband, then you will find a way to revive the love feeling him. If everytime we have some chemistry for a new guy, we would jump out of marriage? then what meaning is marriage?

[Trimmer]

You know what, I've got no problem offering support here... Let's look at this situation -

 

She turned to someone who started out legitimately as a friend, and it sounds to me like once she realized that her FEELINGS were getting too deep, she started making CHOICES that began to back her out and insulate her from getting any deeper.

 

She's not here lying to herself and asking, as others often do, "how do I justify continuing this situation"; she acknowledges that continuing it would be wrong, and is already weighing actions that would extract her from further contact; what she's asking for isn't validation of an inappropriate relationship, but support in working through the feelings that the situation caused.

 

Isn't this what we hope for people to do in potential infidelity situations? Be honest with yourself about your FEELINGS, make responsible CHOICES about what behaviors you will execute, and then work through the feelings until you can move on with your life, without causing the home-wrecking and carnage? It sounds to me like she has made an early choice to get OFF the "bad path." How often do we hear that around here? How often do we get to witness someone turning themselves around early in the process, instead of dealing with the pain and grief too late?

 

Look, I'm a BS that went through a lot of pain, but I acknowledge that people sometimes edge into situations where they start to have feelings, that even married people feel attractions; I don't blame human beings for having human feelings. What I do hope for is that once one becomes aware of these feelings, that the CHOICES one makes and the BEHAVIORS one chooses are based in reality, honesty with oneself, and honor towards existing relationships and marriages, both one's own and others'.

 

So unless she tells us otherwise, it sounds to me like since she reached her point of awareness, she has been withdrawing from the danger of the situation. That's why I would agree with her characterization of it as a "potential" emotional affair, and I have to disagree with calling her a homewrecker or cake eater - I would reserve those for people who continue making CHOICES that get them further into such situations.

 

LakesideDream - I was getting ready to rip you one until I saw your last post.... I'm over it now... I agree with you in substance though; I'm also revolted by the damage, pain, carnage, drama, etc. that affairs cause. In view of that though, how can you advise:

 

If you can "break away" and give it enough room to cool off, you will be the better for it. Six months, a year from now, if you feel the same way about the "Professor", maybe you will give it a whirl.

She, herself, is trying to get away from the potential affair situation and is taking the first steps of moving on. In her first post, she acknowledged that it would be wrong, and in spite of her feelings, all her orientation seems to support that. Why would you suggest she try again later, when everyone will still be "just as married?" If I may be so bold as to edit you, I would leave it at "break away and give it room; six months, a year from now, once the fires have turned to embers you will have a different outlook."

 

LoveSux - I agree with Wibble, that you are probably especially vulnerable due to the atrophy of your marriage. If you are to stay out of these situations in the future, you will need to be especially careful in your relationships with men, and hyper-aware right from the start.

 

But based on what you have posted - and maybe I'm just comparing your situation to the numerous horror stories you can find here and on the OM/OW forum - I think you gave yourself a wakeup call, you are being honest with yourself, and most importantly, in the immediate moment, you are making choices to extract yourself and get out of the situation, instead of lying to yourself and others and making excuses to continue the situation. Stay on that path.

 

Have you considered dropping in for a session or two with your individual counselor for a bit of a "tune-up?"

 

I would love to see you find a way to bite the bullet and not put a term of work to waste in this class; on the other hand, if you stay and tough it out, you have to weigh the possibilities of (1) getting yourself in any deeper, (2) him allowing himself to get in any deeper (although his actions are not directly your responsibility, if it goes any further between the two of you, you will eventually suffer the pain just the same), and (3) even if you do tough it out, the psychic toll it will take on you to be around him while trying to withdraw, during the end of the term when stress naturally comes to a peak anyway...

 

(Incidentally, I'm not for the "Be cold and moody back to him" thing. That's a relationship game - a bad one at that - and the two of you are not in a relationship. From here out, you are a student and he is a teacher. Act neutral, and respectful, appropriate to student/teacher interactions, and if you have any need of contact, keep it limited to class/school business.)

 

So where do you see the balance between the possibility of causing yourself more pain and danger by staying in the class, against the inconvenience of taking the class over again later? If dropping the class isn't a HUGE inconvenience, it would be a concrete and affirmative step to take to begin your path back. And while it might make it hard not to be around him, if it's the path you know you need to take, you might as well get started on it right away.

 

We can talk about your marriage another time...

[sb129]

This thread is waaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too similar to this one

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117679/

 

for my liking. Notice how the Sk8away didn't reply?

 

And the OPs reactions on this thread are just as snarky as on the other one when she hears something she doesn't like.

 

Methinks there IS a troll in our midst...

 

More novel "research" perhaps?

[Trimmer]

By it's nature, this forum ends up hosting numerous stories which sound painfully similar. I don't think the similarities are particularly more striking here than the average. And sk8away isn't exactly a prolific poster on other people's threads thus far, so I don't take the fact that she hasn't posted here as a particularly damning piece of evidence.

 

As far as snarkiness, she basically described a situation that she realized (early) that she needs to get out of, and she immediately got called a home-wrecker. I'm willing to give a little leeway for her strong reaction to that. If she'd been a guy, we'd think "he" was just standing up for himself.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible, and I may just be gullible, but a troll assumption is a pretty quick jump, isn't it?

 

If you were a mod, you could check their login IP's to see for sure.

[LoveSux]

This thread is waaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too similar to this one

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t117679/

 

for my liking. Notice how the Sk8away didn't reply?

 

And the OPs reactions on this thread are just as snarky as on the other one when she hears something she doesn't like.

 

Methinks there IS a troll in our midst...

 

More novel "research" perhaps?

 

I just saw that thread. I didn't read through the entire thing - lost her after the first couple of paragraphs but from what I read - Let me assure you that I'm NO swim suit model or a size 2 (Lordy, do I wish I were, though!). I've been a 'chubby' all my life and only recently lost 37 lbs. I'm also only in my early 30s, not 44. So, I'm not that poster, no matter how 'similar' the 'stories' sound.

 

THE MODERATORS ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO COMPARE IPs.

 

If I sounded 'snarky' in response to LakeSideDream's first couple of posts, it was because I was hurt by his 'cake eating homewrecking' comment. I'm no homewrecker. I know this is all wrong and in fact, I was ASKED to post here. What I believed I needed was a reality check, and a quick kick in the pants. However, I did not expect name-calling / labelling and I was hurt. How else do you expect someone to 'like' hearing unflattering names, simply for confessing that she's ABOUT to embark on an emotional affair and needs help preventing it from progressing any further?

 

As for this being a 'novel' research, thank you very much for making light of someone else's genuine problem and pain. I guess I asked for it by posting my life situation on a public forum.

 

Thank you, Trimmer, for your empathy. I appreciate it, given some of the other reactions / responses.

[LoveSux]

LoveSux, I am actually feeling guilty. You are asking for "support". I don't know how much you will get here, especially in the infidelity forum.

 

That being said, believe me I know from hard earned experiance that situations like yours, if allowed to germinate and blossom almost always turn out badly.

 

The hormones and endorphines feel so good. Literally intoxicating. The hangover is worse. A few months of bliss can turn into a decade of angst and pain.

 

If you can "break away" and give it enough room to cool off, you will be the better for it. Six months, a year from now, if you feel the same way about the "Professor", maybe you will give it a whirl. Chances are, once the fires have turned to embers you will have a different outlook.

 

I know what you are feeling, and I'm sure that's why I reacted badly.

 

God, I have a severe hangover just from a few weeks of 'friendship' going bust. Looking back, I realize that we are NOT peers, even though we're so close in age. I guess I have had 'feelings' for him all along but only realized it very recently because I'm already going through the 'withdrawl' symptoms.

 

As for giving this a whirl 6 months down the line, thanks but no thanks. Unless we're both divorced by then (not likely). Even so, it would be a bad idea to date someone who is a faculty whilst I'm a student there. That would just raise questions and concerns about my grade in this class and could potentially get him into trouble. I don't know the institution's policy on faculty-student relationship but I'm not so dumb that I don't realize that he, me or the both of us could be in trouble and / or get kicked out. I don't want to get on this roller coaster situation again. Plus, I respect myself too much to stoop to being the OW. I am not the home wrecking type really.

[LakesideDream]

LoveSux, As for the "look again in six months"... that was a carrot. I have found in my life that I can promise myself that six months (or so) down the road, after a period of good behavior.. well you get the idea.

 

As for your marriage. After thinking a lot in the last 18 hours, I am beginning to wonder about my opinion on the subject.

 

Getting out of a "bad marriage" may be the most reasonable course of action. In general I've been in the "work on it until exhausted" camp.. because that's what I did. Now I realize how much of my life was wasted using that rational. Know I believe I would be more open to "options". Loyalty can be a fault.

[sb129]

I just saw that thread. I didn't read through the entire thing - lost her after the first couple of paragraphs but from what I read - Let me assure you that I'm NO swim suit model or a size 2 (Lordy, do I wish I were, though!). I've been a 'chubby' all my life and only recently lost 37 lbs. I'm also only in my early 30s, not 44. So, I'm not that poster, no matter how 'similar' the 'stories' sound.

 

THE MODERATORS ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO COMPARE IPs.

 

If I sounded 'snarky' in response to LakeSideDream's first couple of posts, it was because I was hurt by his 'cake eating homewrecking' comment. I'm no homewrecker. I know this is all wrong and in fact, I was ASKED to post here. What I believed I needed was a reality check, and a quick kick in the pants. However, I did not expect name-calling / labelling and I was hurt. How else do you expect someone to 'like' hearing unflattering names, simply for confessing that she's ABOUT to embark on an emotional affair and needs help preventing it from progressing any further?

 

As for this being a 'novel' research, thank you very much for making light of someone else's genuine problem and pain. I guess I asked for it by posting my life situation on a public forum.

 

Thank you, Trimmer, for your empathy. I appreciate it, given some of the other reactions / responses.

 

Ok ok ok. But yes, as you say, you need to be prepared for all kinds of opinions when posting on a public forum.

Labelling and name-calling can happen, esp when you post on the infidelity forum. Bear in mind that there are alot of betrayed spouses here too, and they may see your situation from the other side of the coin, sometimes, as painful as it may be for you to hear, it HELPS to hear other opinions from other sides of the story. It definitely helped me.

As for "making light" of your situation, "novel research" has happened before.

 

My two cents- it sounds like the emotional affair won't happen anyway, because the prof has pulled away.

And "staying together for the kids" is often more damaging to everyone involved (including the kids) than it is to get out of an unhappy marriage.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[Frances]

He is a teacher and therefore is in a vunerable position regarding his job if he gets too close to a student which he has an input into their grades. Hence the keeping distant from you, he is also protecting his marriage.

 

EAs often start from someone listening to someone else's problems and giving a sympathetic ear. This man is being sensible and not letting things get out of hand.

 

Try getting a female sympathetic ear, it may work out better and you will not have the guilt of interfering with another marriage.

 

Congrats on your success with your self asteem. Keep up the good work you have done well. Do not let this infatuation ruin all you have achieved.

[Trimmer]

Thank you, Trimmer, for your empathy. I appreciate it...

Well, I think I see in you an honesty that I wish I had found in my wife. She found herself having "feelings", which I accept and even understand. However, until it was much too late, she took no responsibility for the choices she made as a result of those feelings, and didn't act honorably with respect to our marriage, and it wasn't until the dust settled and we were irrevocably on the path to divorce that I think she started clearing her head and being honest about it, even with herself.

 

You seem as if, although you are dealing with some intense and difficult feelings, you know that you own the choices you make and that's a huge thing.

[Guest]

i'm not trying to sound mean or hurtful, but does the professer have feelings for you? Did i miss that part because i'm thinking it sounds pretty one sided. if that's the case you not only risk heart ache but screwing up your family life even more than it is possibly for nothing at all. Do you think you are just infatuated with this guy? If so, do all you can now to walk away from this or you will end up even more crushed if he flat out declines your attention. You sound hurt enough already by his actions, no point in asking for more pain.