major bind here... ?

[D-Lish]

soooo.

For about 5 years I have had a major crush on a guy that works at the grocery store near my house. For 5 years we have exchanged glances, smiles, quick hello's and had really hot eye contact... but I have never had the guts to ask him out.

 

A while ago I walked by him and a group of guys at the store and flashed him my best flirty smile... and he returned it.

 

I got home... and I have a message on my lava life mail saying "hello", you smiled at me today at the grocery store. I see his pic... and it's not the guy I like- it's his former co-worker who just happened to be hanging out there.

 

I tell the guy straight up I like his friend. he tells me his friend likes me too... Great! Finally I know.

 

Problem? I see the friend in my neighbourhood and he has been relentless asking me out. Even saw me at the coffee shop and sat down with me and we chatted for a bit. SO- I have told this guy I am not interested....

 

My dilemma is- from a guy's point of view, where does that leave me with the other guy?

 

The other guy I have liked for so long- but now that his friend is pursuing me like a crazy man... am I done with the friend?

 

Details: I have never actually talked to the guy I like - only exchanged knowing hot glances.

They have worked together in the past and are not SUPER close buddies- just aquaintences. I know the guy I like is hot for me... but

 

Will the guys "code" prevent anything from happening because his buddy wants to date me?

 

I know his buddy is walking around bragging about me- saying he is pursuing me. How do I handle this?

 

I have never led the buddy on...have always been up front.

But If I talk to the guy I like and tell him I am interested in him will he think me a "player" or a b*tch?

 

Should I let this go? Or should I finally get off my ass after 5 years and approach the one I like? I know he is thinking the same thing and that he is interested.... but I am worried that he won't pursue anything with me because his former co-worker and aquaintance likes me.

 

I just can't believe that after 5 years of having a crush on someone that it could be ruined because his friend is hitting on me relentlessly.

 

Argggh.

I fear it may be too late to do anything about this.

any suggestions? what do they guys think?

 

D~Lish

[pelagicsands]

A while ago I walked by him and a group of guys at the store and flashed him

I hope it wasn't too cold outside. Or does that help keep the nipples erect?

My dilemma is- from a guy's point of view, where does that leave me with the other guy?

No. Don't be silly - it's not like you're an ex, or something.

I just can't believe that after 5 years of having a crush on someone that it could be ruined because his friend is hitting on me relentlessly.

It is worrying that his friend can't take a hint. Anyway, please don't leave it another five years, for all our sakes.

[Trimmer]

I can't speak for these two particular guys - whatever they do is particular to them - but I don't think there's any "guy code" that would prevent Interesting Guy from getting together with you just because Friend misinterpreted your smile...

 

As a matter of fact... if anything, I think that, since you were very honest with Friend that your interest was in Interesting Guy and not in him, and if they really are buddies, good "guy manners" would dictate that Friend should now drop back to a 4 o'clock low position and act as wingman and stand ready to assist Interesting Guy, should there be any reasonable opportunity to facilitate the two of you getting together.

 

At the very least, he should not be persuing you when you've made it clear that you are interested in Interesting Guy, especially given that he acknowledged that Interesting Guy likes you, too.

 

I think now that you know Interesting Guy feels favorably, (if you can trust what Friend told you, and why not...) you should have the confidence to go approach him directly and verbally.

 

You could do something like right up front, explain the situation with the friend misinterpreting your smile (but don't mock or put down the friend or say anything that would sound embarrassing) (and definitely don't do it anywhere with Friend nearby) and then ask Interesting Guy what you asked us: "so, I was just wondering.... I hope there isn't any 'guy code' that would prevent you from being interested if my smile was really for you..."

 

This way you've done several things: you've made first contact and broken the ice, you've let him know that you are interested without getting too far ahead of yourself ("I've got wedding rings all picked out, and our first child will be named Patience if she is a girl..."), and you've immediately defused the whole Friend misunderstanding and put it behind you right at the outset.

 

Maybe I'm off, but if I were interested in a woman, and she came up and said this to me, I would respond favorably.

 

Get going! 5 years is long enough...

[Guest]

I love you.

 

I don't know what to do- so very complicated.

Liked one guy for 5 years... then his friend asks me out .... I tell the friend I like HIS friend.... and he goes nuts thinking he can change my mind.

 

Problem- the guy that has asked me out (that I don't like)... is really, crazy in love.

 

I like the friend. I have said so- but I don't EVER, ever, want to be "the bitch"- know what I mean?

 

Thanks guys,

Dee

[D-Lish]

that is what i am asking- do guys appreciate the frotal assualt?

lol.... no, I mean do guys like being approched?

 

For five fricken years-everytime i walk past the guy I like he gets embarrassed and drops things, trips, stares.... stmbles to say hello.

I can tell he likes me.

 

But his ****ing friend pursues me like crazy- and since then I have noticed the friend I like ignores me. I want to scream at him "I like ya! ****er!"

 

so- guys code says what?

what exactly should I say to the guy I like? 5 freakin years of eye contact and long looks... and this other guy who likes me that I don't like says the guys in his department have always gone crazy for me- including my interest.... so he's taken on braggin rights because he's talked to me first.

 

So I go up to the one i want and say???

what do I say?

 

If I say "hey you're frind likes me but I have always liked you..."

how will I be percieved?

 

****- friend is in love here....and I just feel like it has ruined the possibility of dating the guy I've always wanted.

 

I'm honest with friend - and nothing has or ever will happen romantically with us. I have said I will be your friend ...nothing else.

 

so is it safe to talk to my crush?

if not, I won't. I have just always wanted him...bad.

male advice?

[Trimmer]

so is it safe to talk to my crush?

if not, I won't. I have just always wanted him...bad.

male advice?

Oh, my dear.... of course it's not safe.

 

But that's exactly what gives us the thrill, what makes our hearts pound and our ears buzz. If you waited until it was completely safe (and really, how could you know, anyway) don't you think you might end up waiting forever? Doesn't 5 years seem about like "forever" at this point?

 

I don't think there's a "code" - don't worry about that. I really doubt he will somehow object to being approached.

 

I think you are looking for an answer to "what are the specific rules here, and how can I guarantee that I stay within them?" There aren't any consistent, hard and fast rules - every person is different, and we don't all operate under the same set of rules, or some published common "code." Sometimes the best you can hope for is a decent set of manners, and even those vary by individuals...

 

What we do is we make a connection, one person at a time, and make it up as we go along, and the only way you can guarantee for sure how a connection will turn out is to go try it.

 

My only concern for you is that you have had 5 years of smoldering looks and dropped cucumbers to build up some ideal in your mind of what this guy is like - an image that's not really based on a lot of solid information. If you have built him up in your mind to be some ideal, some perfect specimen, you might be well served to go into this with an open mind. Let him be what and who he is - and you do the same, just be who you are - and let things develop honestly, without too many pre-conceived expectations.

 

Likewise, if the guys in the department have all been talking about you, he might have built up an image in his mind. And now, he might actually be intimidated by you, or the image of you, through the talk of his more "wild" buddies, and especially Mr "I-don't-get-the-message-to-back-off" friend. Who knows, he is probably just as uncertain as you, sitting there saying "OK, then, if she's really interested, why hasn't she said anything? I wonder if it's safe..."

 

Damn, girl - go talk to him. I can't give you an exact script, but I suggested an icebreaker approach in my last post which I think was more gentle than your suggested "Frontal Assault." Save that for the bedroom. (Ohhh... Sorry, I'm a guy; couldn't resist; part of the "code." )

 

If I say "hey you're frind likes me but I have always liked you..."

how will I be percieved?

Don't go right to "always liked"... talk in terms of "being interested". That will be plenty to get his attention and let him know that your focus is on him, without sounding like a long-term stalker. Like I said earlier, explain the situation with the friend as an icebreaker, and to get it out of the way, then just ask him something like "It's really you I'm interested in - I hope there's no 'guy code' against that..."

Unless he's so nervous that he just falls apart and is completely unable to speak, this sends your message very clearly, and makes it real easy for him to answer in your favor, without being totally backed into a corner...

 

But it will have to come from your own heart. It won't be perfectly comfortable, and it won't be perfectly safe. And it shouldn't be, because although this carries a risk of failure, if it could be made perfectly safe, then finding success wouldn't give you the same rush, the same tingly feeling. It wouldn't be worth as much. Go do it.

 

Rejection sucks. Wondering why you never tried sucks more.

[Kamille]

Hi D-Lish!

Can you believe it? We both graduated to the dating forum!

 

Good advice there Trimmer.

 

D, what have you got to lose? You're not interested in his friend, you actually now know that the guy you are interested in actually also is into you... Sounds to me like you actually kind of should be obligated to do something about it.

 

Right now, there is but one rule: because of his friend, the guy you are interested in cannot approach you himself, even he knows the feelings are mutual. Meanwhile, you're the free agent. You can totally, in fact almost must, approach him. Else, nothing happens. Right?

 

If for some ethical reason he prefers to delay the whole thing until his friend finds another crush - so be it. Your responsibilty is to yourself. And if it doesn't work out with cute guy, you lose absolutely nothing since you're not interested in other guy.

 

Go for it. I think the upfront approach would be good... And I'm sure you can pull it off in a charming, confident, honest way.

 

As for me... Yup, there is romance in my life too. It's too early and there is absolutely no issue to report on, except me freaking out a little bit because he is being absolutely charming and I am really trying to keep my wits and not fall for him too soon. Got too burned last time you know? And what I am finding is, the more I take things slow, the cuter he becomes. And he was already quite cute.

[D-Lish]

Hi K!!

 

New romance eh? That's good news. It's hard to trust once you've been burned! I hope it works out!

 

OK- I was bombed when I wrote those last couple posts. I read them over and was mortified by my rambling... haha.

 

It's great to have moved on to the dating forum!!

What else are ya up to?

 

I should approach the friend... I am trying to get the balls to do it. It's hard to walk up to someone and say "hi, want to go out sometime?"

 

Honestly? I don't want him to be my boyfriend... just a lover.

I don't want love right now- just some passion. ;-)

 

Where did you meet your new guy?

 

Trimmer- you give good advice, you're quite insightful!

Thank you.

D

[Tormented]

Argggh.

I fear it may be too late to do anything about this.

any suggestions? what do they guys think?

 

Hey Dish...nice to see that you're out and about!

 

Naw, it isn't too late. The way I see it, why allow the "friend's" problem (unable to take "no" as an answer) to become YOUR problem? As per your post, you've never led the friend on, in fact, was straight-forward that you interest was for the "interesting guy" and not in the friend. That pretty much eliminates you from the "player/bitch" list, doncha ya think?

 

Maybe this guy is shy, doesn't know quite how to approach you although he'd like to. If he wasn't interested, he wouldn't return the "long stares and smiles." The fact that he does is basically a green light to take it to another level. So do it!

 

Hey...whatever happened to the "single dad" you were seeing/dating?

 

~T~

[D-Lish]

Hi Tormented...

 

Single dad just wasn't for me.

How are things going with you?

 

I feel my problem has escalated... the friend I am not interested in is still following me around like a little puppy, arguing with me about my non-feelings for him. I just got off the phone with him- and I spent two hours saying I only want to be your friend...and what he says is that he thinks I like him but am just scared of taking the plunge with him.

 

As far as I am concerned- I think it is too late to approach the friend I like. The other guy really is a very nice guy- and I don't want to hurt anyone or throw a wrench into their friendship. I'm going to drop it and move on from both of them.

 

How is your situation Tormented?

D

[underpants]

Hi D lish...

 

I think you could simply, but firmly tell the puppy friend that while you are flattered, you are not interested, that you are in fact hoping to make a connection with someone else. Just reiterate this to him and eventually he will get it. If he was a true friend to the dude you have a shining to he should be a gentleman and help you two meet.

 

I can relate to how hard it is to try and 'pick up' someone who you only see. I used to have the biggest crush on a Budweiser delivery guy that I saw on my work travels. I called him Stud Bud. I miss him. I told the cashiers how cute he was and would find myself needing ...something when I saw the truck outside the store. I even tried the bend and snap move only upon rising to realize he was doing the same thing. Oh well, he was certainly eye candy for a few months. Sad to say, no delivery guy has risen to his level of cuteness, at least not as of yet.

 

Here is a creative idea. Why don't you print off a label and tape it to a can good. You can give your name and contact info and explain how you have seen him from time to time and would love to have coffee or lunch if he would be interested. You 'can' get out everything you want him to know, hand him the can good and then the ball is firmly in his court. I kind of like it considering he works in a grocery store and I am sure no other girl has been so creative. At the very least his ego will get a charge and you will have made a move.

 

This could be fun. Put it on a can of beans and the name could be D-lish, hot spilt beans. I don't know something funny and inviting.

 

Go on, I dare you.