fray718 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I read alot of people here say that a girl should not have sex with a guy until they are exclusive...but what about passionate kissing and cuddling (but not going beyond first base)? Where should I draw the line? Also, if a guy attempts to cross the line, what should I say when I stop them without having them feel rejected? Should I be honest and say that I do not get physically intimate until its exclusive? Thanks in advance.
Star Gazer Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 The pre-exclusive line of intimacy exists whereever you decide to draw it. For some, they won't have sex until it's exclusive. For some, they want to have sex before becoming exclusive. What you do before (and after) becoming exclusive is completely up to you and based on what you're comfortable with. As far as the guy, just say that you're not ready for that level of physical intimacy. That way it's about YOU, and not them. And if he pressures you for more than you're comfortable with, don't see him again.
Author fray718 Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 The pre-exclusive line of intimacy exists whereever you decide to draw it. For some, they won't have sex until it's exclusive. For some, they want to have sex before becoming exclusive. What you do before (and after) becoming exclusive is completely up to you and based on what you're comfortable with. As far as the guy, just say that you're not ready for that level of physical intimacy. That way it's about YOU, and not them. And if he pressures you for more than you're comfortable with, don't see him again. My main concern is that if i make out with a guy they may lose respect for me and see me less as gf material. But i was thinking that making out by say date 1 or 2 is quick, but what about by say dates 3 or 4? Or should I just save the making out until we're exclusive? But i dont want to be too strict because making out may add to the passion and connection between the guy and the girl. Just want to know what is the best/most reasonable way of going bout it. I'm paranoid because I had a past experience of being too physical too soon and got really badly hurt since the guy did not see me as his gf despite things we did.
Zona76 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 That happens when you rush things. But see, when you're young you're experimenting... checking things out. We always need to be cautious. But you're not looking to get married and have it be forever. Sex is not something that is to be given out as free samples. Don't worry that the guy has lost respect. What about your own self values. These are memories you hold on to forever.
Zona76 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Also, if a guy attempts to cross the line, what should I say when I stop them without having them feel rejected? Should I be honest and say that I do not get physically intimate until its exclusive? Thanks in advance. I wouldn't tell them you are seeking exclusive... he could simply say "sure baby, whatever you say" And you never here from him again. Don't use your SEX to get a guy. Tell him you need to wait a while. Let him know you're NOT ready yet. If he never calls you, then you know he only wanted a place to drop his load. AND PLEASE!!! Please tell me you use protection!
Author fray718 Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 How old are you? I'm 22 already but I've never been in a relationship and only been dating for the past 2 years. My 'first love' hurt me badly. Issues and bad skin kept me from dating by the way if you're curious why im such a late dater...but the bad skin's been fixed and I get alot of comments from people saying I'm attractive and cute. Which ofcourse poses the problem of alot of guys seeing me as someone pretty to hook up with but not necessarily want as a gf.
Author fray718 Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 I wouldn't tell them you are seeking exclusive... he could simply say "sure baby, whatever you say" And you never here from him again. Don't use your SEX to get a guy. Tell him you need to wait a while. Let him know you're NOT ready yet. If he never calls you, then you know he only wanted a place to drop his load. AND PLEASE!!! Please tell me you use protection! That is very good advice I must say..thanks! I'll just tell them I'm not ready yet for that or its too early for that as star gazer also said. But do you think making out with a guy on the 3rd date might be a big no no? I'm paranoid. Perhaps better safe than sorry and not make out until exclusive next time?
sweetbutcheeky Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Take it slow, no rush, do what feels right to you. I don't see a problem with making out by date 3 or 4. Before you become exclusive you would like to see how the chemistry is without giving it all away. Just be clear before things get heated that it's as far as your comfortable with going. But there aren't any "rules" depends on you and the guy, but if he is worth it he will wait for sex until your exclusive if that's what you want. In my case my BF didn't kiss me until our 3rd date (he kept shaking my hand after each date! LOL). He was driving me home and we were at the stop lights and he was saying how he had a great time and went for the hand shake again. I said how he didn't need to shake my hand and he went in for a kiss. (We were at the stop lights so I was watching to see the light was changing out of the side of one eye and he saw the guy in the car beside him watching! So was better once we got to a stop outside my house lol) Then we were making out by date 4! lol We actually did have sex before we were exclusive (date 4 lol) but in our case it was what worked for us.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 People are always telling me to go slow and it's easy to tell yourself to go slow but alot of times it's hard to control your hormones/emotions/physical desires whatever you want to call it. If you have difficulty with self-control like me, one thing to try is to not put yourself into the position where something can happen. Who wants to make out in an uncomfortable car? Stay in the car. Or when you leave a bar/restaurant or whatever, end the date right there, don't go back to each other's place just yet, not in the first month anyway. Your dates should be "outings" rather than hanging out at home. Put him off as long as you can. Make sure you talk about sex before getting intimate, so you know what each others boundaries are and you can trust each other enough to respect those boundaries. If you don't feel he will respect your boundaries, or if you feel all he wants is to get past them before you are ready, then maybe he's not the guy for you, and tell him that.
Author fray718 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 thanks for the advice...i totally regret making out on third date. Haven't heard back from the person and its been 3 days already But he was sooo nice to me from beginning to end of the date even after the making out. Im so sad :( How common is it for everything to seem so perfect but after one makeout and its over. Is this just a coincidence or perhaps it was something else. He seems like the nice guy type too. He kinda wanted to go past first base but I politely stopped it and he seemed ok with it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Take the pace you're most comfortable with. Don't put out just because the guy wants you to. Do it when it feels right for you. As for a guy that stops dating you because you wouldn't let him get beyond first base, do you really want a guy that is only interested in one thing? As long as you were polite about stopping him, a guy who is looking for more than a one night stand will respect your timing.
Pyro Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Take the pace you're most comfortable with. Don't put out just because the guy wants you to. Do it when it feels right for you. As for a guy that stops dating you because you wouldn't let him get beyond first base, do you really want a guy that is only interested in one thing? As long as you were polite about stopping him, a guy who is looking for more than a one night stand will respect your timing. Amen to that.
Pyro Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 And what a man... Thanks Ms. Crabtree. Am I excused from being ran over?
Star Gazer Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 thanks for the advice...i totally regret making out on third date. Haven't heard back from the person and its been 3 days already But he was sooo nice to me from beginning to end of the date even after the making out. Im so sad :( How common is it for everything to seem so perfect but after one makeout and its over. Is this just a coincidence or perhaps it was something else. He seems like the nice guy type too. He kinda wanted to go past first base but I politely stopped it and he seemed ok with it. Okay, you made out with him, you didn't have sex with him. Good job. Let me explain why. In my experience, guys don't disappear after making out because you made out with them/moved to fast in making out with them. Having sex too soon, yes - they will disappear. But not when just making out. This leads me to only one conclusion (for now). If I were in your shoes, I would think that he was out for only one thing (sex) and got frustrated/irritated at the fact that you were actually gonna make him work for it, so he decided to go get laid by someone who was going to give it up easier. I know you like the guy, but if you don't hear from him, I'm fairly certain the above explanation is why. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky! You want (and deserve) a guy who's willing to wait as long as it takes until you're comfortable with whatever level of intimacy you're ready for. If he doesn't call/see you again, he's obviously not that guy. Hope that made sense.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Thanks Ms. Crabtree. Am I excused from being ran over? I'm only Ms. Crabtree because you deemed it so. I love my new identity so why would I run over the guy who gave it to me.
pelagicsands Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Just do anal until you're ready to be exclusive. It keeps him happy, and you get to stay a virgin.
Pyro Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I'm only Ms. Crabtree because you deemed it so. I love my new identity so why would I run over the guy who gave it to me. Cool. No complaints here.
Author fray718 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 i do feel better to know that making out with a guy shouldnt make them disappear. Im disappointed though as this is a guy who seems like the nice type and we both had agreed on date 1 that we are both looking for a relationship and nothing less. So I am very confused. Im now scared to even makeout with anyone anymore until its exclusive.
Star Gazer Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 i do feel better to know that making out with a guy shouldnt make them disappear. Im disappointed though as this is a guy who seems like the nice type and we both had agreed on date 1 that we are both looking for a relationship and nothing less. So I am very confused. Im now scared to even makeout with anyone anymore until its exclusive. I understand your hesitation for future experiences. It sucks when they just "disappear." But give it a few more days - anything could have happened. You're still just dating right now, so he may be trying to play it cool still. Just be patient...don't be disappointed yet.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 If for some reason this guy isn't playing it cool, why let one guy affect how you act with others? There are many guys out there that think differently. Are you going to let one jerk affect you like this? You're stronger than that.
Pyro Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 If for some reason this guy isn't playing it cool, why let one guy affect how you act with others? There are many guys out there that think differently. Are you going to let one jerk affect you like this? You're stronger than that. Letting the negatives affect you is just the beginning of what causes someone to become bitter. Lets hope that our friend here is stronger than that.
pelagicsands Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I understand your hesitation for future experiences. It sucks when they just "disappear." But give it a few more days - anything could have happened. I totally agree. It's too early to draw conclusions. I would try rubbing the general area, and see if it springs back. That usually works for me.
Trialbyfire Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Letting the negatives affect you is just the beginning of what causes someone to become bitter. Lets hope that our friend here is stronger than that. So true. Quite the strong message... *reluctantly puts the bus into park*
Recommended Posts