poorlittlefish Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I am really confused about how to react to the way my new boyfriend is treating me and I hope someone can help me! I've been dating him for the past 6 weeks or so, he's 9 years younger than me and is from another country. He claims these facts don't bother him at all. The first couple of weeks were amazing, he was so thoughtful and warm towards me, always txting me cute stuff (even before we met, which I thought was so nice). He said things like he can't stop thinking about me, he likes me more each time he sees me, his feelings for me are out of control etc - all very flattering and I was on top of the world because I thought I'd found the most amazing guy. We then spent a day together at his house and had sex more than once On my way back to the station I told him I really, really liked him (he'd already said this to me) and was feeling a bit emotional. I could tell almost straight away that he turned cold on me. A couple of days later he ignored txts and a call, then like a bolt out of the blue he txt to say he wasn't ready for a close relationship and that "relationships with strings" scared him but he still wanted to spend time with me. We met but it was as if nothing bad had happened at all. I tried talking to him about things but he just said it was nothing, that there wasn't a problem and that "relationships with strings" mean "emotional dependency," whatever that is. However, I noticed that most of the cute or complimentary things that he'd been saying (or rather txting) to me have stopped and more recently it's been me txting him first. He'll still put kisses and say the odd cute thing in his txts but other than that it's just general chatty stuff or him saying he's been having dirty thoughts about me! I've been left feeling really unsure as to what I can say or do in case it's "wrong" and causes him to panic. I was also very upset because he'd been the one saying how keen he was on me, then as soon as I say it back it all becomes too scary . I have to ask for reassurance, it's not just given. When we're together he's always kissing me, holding my hand and being really affectionate. He's also very keen to have sex with me, but then I guess that's quite natural in a new relationship??? The last time we met he said he loves being so close to me and likes everything about me, so I tell myself he wants me for more than just sex. He had to go back to his country for a week last Thursday and to my amazement I was pretty much dropped like a stone. Instead of txting me several times a day he's not txt me once unless I txt him first and even then he's taken hours or days to reply. It's such a marked difference in behaviour towards me and I didn't see it coming. He'll say sorry for taking so long but I don't see why being abroad should suddenly prevent you from taking 2-mins out just to send a quick hello. I really can't work out what's going on with him and am finding it hard because he boosted me up then took it away with no explanation, yet when we're actually together it's like he has real feelings for me. It's very contradictory. The past week while he's been away has been hell for me because I've not been able to put him out of my mind but I obviously went out of his the second he got on the plane and I find it very hurtful. He'd led me to believe I mean more to him than that and I told him I'm not into playing mind games. I feel really let down and the lack of communication has led me to wonder what's gone on behind my back while he's been away but I know there's no point in asking because he ignores any awkward questions that I ask! Help!!! What should I do?!! How should I react when I finally get to see him again?!!
Aloros Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 It sounds like he's not that into you. He might be a committment phobe - chase chase chase, he gets you, so he pulls away. Either way, I think you deserve better. After a week of dating, my bf went overseas for a few weeks. Even though he was on vacation, and with his friends, he took the time to write me every other day. Trust me, there are guys out there who will treat you right, who will make you feel beautiful no matter what, and who will make the effort to get in touch with you because you're important to them. Why settle for anything less? I'd drop him. He makes you feel great when you're with him, but he clearly won't make the effort when you're not. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Do you need someone who causes you this kind of anguish?
jcster Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I don't think this guy is ready for a relationship. It sounds like he's great at the pursuit, but anything other than sex is way beyond him. Since it sounds like you are looking for something more, I don't think you will be happy with him.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Hmmmm. I don't know what his problem is, but after one week of dating (over two years ago) my BF also texted me relentlessly while on a previously planned vacation. He was very anxious to return based on that week we shared together. We both were anxious. It sounds as though when you are together in person (which he pursued) that he is all into you (maybe to get in those panties, I don't know) and when you are apart he is much cooler. Maybe American women are seen as easy by those from abroad. I wouldn't put up with it, in any case.
Author poorlittlefish Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 I wonder if the first couple of weeks he was a bit bowled over by everything to the extent where he got a bit frightened by how he was feeling for me so soon after meeting. He did admit at one point that he didn't expect to find me so attractive or get feelings for me (we "met" over the net). He also told me that the way he and his previous girlfriend of 5 years split was not nice and he was afraid of hurting someone. Maybe it's just wishful thinking but there's a part of me that thinks his feelings for me are stronger than he wants to admit and that "switching off" makes it easier for him to cope with how he feels. When we last met (ie before he went away) he wanted to take loads of pictures of me and of us together and he's got me as the wallpaper on his phone! Why bother to do things like that if you don't particularly like someone? My friend says he might be able to tell that I want more commitment and that it's too soon to expect that much. She said she heard someone say today that her husband went away for a week and only txt her once! She also warns me against pushing him to admit feelings as it might force him to run away altogether. I think she maybe has a point. Another friend thinks he's testing me to see how keen I am on him and that I should back off and let him make the moves. I'd like to have a proper talk with him but how can I do that when he won't talk about his feelings?! Maybe I need to be a bit more casual about everything and see what happens instead of wishing he was madly in love with me and maybe coming across as a bit desperate.
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