LoveSux Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Long story short: We have never even been on a single date. I'm a married, returning student in my early 30s and he's my also-married professor (exactly the same age as me). My marriage has burned out a while ago. I've tried my hardest to revive it - including begging husband to try couples' counselling (which he adamantly refused), and so I went to individual counselling, worked hard at improving my own self-esteem (which was very low), lost a lot of weight (37 lbs to be exact), got a make-over, went back to school and am doing better now, although the lack of support or companionship from my husband hurts me. We have one child together and I try to be as good a mother as possible. We've agreed to stay together for her sake. This semester, I had a professor I've never taken classes from before and he was very warm, very friendly, very compassionate. One day, I just spilled my guts out to him - I had been feeling very low and I just needed someone to talk to. He was shockingly friendly, we talked about a lot of things and well, I began to think of him as more of a peer (being the exact same age helped!). These conversations began to happen more frequently and over the course of the next few weeks, I began to really look forward to them. In class, I keep my distance and treat him respectfully but when we run into each other outside of class, we've just been two good friends. This wouldn't have been so bad except that I've realized that I'm now deeply and very emotionally bonded to him. The semester ends in the next month and I'm depressed that I will never see him again. I think he's beginning to realize that I have some "feelings" for him because he's moody these days. This last week - when I realized I had feelings for him - is also when he started acting strangely. He's always moody but the last week, he's been really strange and for the first time, has acted like he wants to avoid me. I don't know why - I haven't said / done anything different this past week and I ALWAYS treat him as a student should in class so I'm not sure what the issue is or what he's thinking. Maybe I'm over-analyzing things, maybe he's angry because he realizes that I have feelings for him when we're both married (to different people) and maybe this is just his way of saying 'BACK OFF'. I don't know, but I do care. I know this is wrong and his standoffish attitude has had me in tears all week. I've even tried to skip class and am wondering if I should just drop the class (tomorrow is the last day to drop) and just retake it next semester with some other teacher. I've spent this week crying because his coldness and the realization that I am very attached to him has hit me very hard. I'm very vulnerable at this time and this really hurts. I have some pride but not where he's concerned. I can't bear the thought that I could possibly NEVER see him after next month. People, I know this is all wrong. Even though my husband & I decided to stay together only for the sake of our little one, I still am legally married and so is he. I know this is wrong - please don't judge me harshly - and I need help. Please, just give me some advice. How do I get over him? How do I just stop crying all the time and act my age again? I wish to God I'd never met him. Love just sucks all around.
bchlvr Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Lovesux- No judgement. There are many on these boards who are or have been where you are. I think it's commendable that you are writing here first before things develop further and become more difficult for you emotionally. It does not sound as though you and your professor have a long history of knowing one another. Maybe your own feelings of vulnerability and perhaps even loss (in your current marriage) are what's fueling your strong emotions toward your professor. There is another problem besides the marriage issue and that is the student-teacher relationship. Even if you are the same age, there is a power differential and an imbalance in the relationship. It's hard to have clarity in these kinds of circumstances while you are in the grip of it. Your instuctor may be doing all he can to maintain appropriate boundaries with his student. The risks for him as you know, are many. Even if he is aware of your feelings, it would be hard to imagine that as a compassionate and sensitive instructor he would be angry with you. Professors, clergy, therapists deal with this often and anger per se doesn't come to mind. I bet he is distancing (if in fact it does have to do with you) in order to maintain professionalism. Regardless of how he is responding, it is so important that you detach before you get more entrenched. Even though it is painful now, it will feel better, it will get better. I'd be concerned that if you try to stick it out through the term the pain would just intensify and things would become even more confusing. Keep posting here and even on the marriage-infidelity section.
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