Depth of Insight Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and I am trying to get to the bottom of why I FEEL that she is too clingy. I am very independent, and it could be that I need to assert myself more and gently have her "back off" and give me space. OR, it could be that this situation isn't right. OR, that she really is too clingy. The things that I list could easily be interpreted as "endearing" if they only didn't irritate me and make me want to take a vacation--alone. I don't get it. Let's start with the list--Everything below bothers me: She wants to spend as much time together as humanely possible and gets upset if she is not staying at my place.She tells me--even if we're apart for just a few hours--that she misses me and misses me and misses me...(and I feel like I'm supposed to say the same thing, even if I really don't feel the same way)on the few days that we're not together, she calls once or twice during the day and every night wants to "talk" (for at least an hour) and gets upset/sad if I'm not available. I often don't feel like talking, but I don't feel like I can tell her.She is constantly (in a fun sort of way, but with full seriousness too) poking my chest and asking if I will keep her forever.I actually have a reaction of pure irritation (that I work hard to suppress) when she does these things, but I don't feel like we're at a point yet to answer "forever." In some ways I feel pressured by this situation. I'm still (rightfully in my opinion) evaluating how well we can get along before going to that step. Either way, I'm not feeling right and I don't want to get to the point where I just walk away. I would rather figure out whether it's me or her, you know? For a little bit of history, I went through a lack of passion/interest a few months ago, we talked about her being a little "needy" (she agreed) and I felt better afterwards. It's now back again, which could tell me that maybe it's not the real issue. I don't know. Thoughts?
EC Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 How old are you guys and is this your first girlfriend or your longest relationship?
corazoncito Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 One woman's opinion: I would find that behavior annoying. The fastest way to snoozeville and a breakup in a relationship is to not give each other some reasonable distance. I don't really understand what couples who spend 24/7 together have to talk about. I think it's better to spend less time together but really 100% percent enjoy and look forward to that time, rather than spend a ton of time together but feel frustrated, bored, and unsatisfied. The other worry is that sort of behavior tends to correlate with the "clinger" believing that the relationship is their entire life and their SO is responsible for the "clinger's" happiness.
quankanne Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 that sort of behavior tends to correlate with the "clinger" believing that the relationship is their entire life and their SO is responsible for the "clinger's" happiness that's my thought, too ... I'm leery of people who refuse to give you breathing space, esp. when it's a significant other. Just because you like being with someone doesn't mean you have to be around them 24/7. those "not-right" feelings shouldn't be ignored, they're telling you that while you have the maturity needed to spend time apart and be all right with it, she doesn't possess said maturity. Frankly, it's more than a little freaky when people go into clingy mode because then I start wondering when that person will try to start dictating my actions (i.e., being rude or snotty because I don't spend "enough" time with him or her, so I do things to avoid setting off that kind of behavior) or finding ways to usurp my time. an ex-boyfriend of mine fell in the latter category, and couldn't understand why I would want to spend my Sunday mornings in bed sleeping in or reading the paper in bed instead of hanging out with him at his best friend's house. It got to the point where I would sneak out of my apartment on foot and hang out with a grad student I knew from college, who had an office on campus, just to get some breathing space. you need to figure out what your tolerance level is, then gently but FIRMLY explain to your GF that you need your space. Time for yourself is not being selfish when it's meant to keep you mentally balanced ... a good SO understands this.
Author Depth of Insight Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Thanks for the posts. I am definitely going to talk to her again. She is not "codependent" as I've been with that kind of person before. She has her own career, gets stressed about work issues unrelated to us, happy when things go right, sad when there are struggles, etc. She has a lot of independence in this regard and would be perfectly capable of getting along without me. She also has a wealth of great qualities--trustworthy, devoted, honest, communicative, intelligent, etc., not to mention that she's an amazingly attractive woman who would be able to date almost any man she wanted to. Maybe we just see the stages of a relationship a little different. She genuinely LOVES seeing me and wants to do it ALL THE TIME. I, on the other hand, feel trapped and smothered. Not necessarily bored or frustrated, just annoyed by constant demands for my time and attention (which doesn't seem to bother her at all -- in fact, I think she would like it if I reciprocated that some more). The problem now is that I've let this pattern of over-indulgence in the relationship run too long and I know that a reaction to the "space" conversation would not be a positive one. I need to think through how to bring this up so it doesn't tank the entire relationship (which I do NOT want to do).
Lauriebell82 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Thanks for the posts. I am definitely going to talk to her again. She is not "codependent" as I've been with that kind of person before. She has her own career, gets stressed about work issues unrelated to us, happy when things go right, sad when there are struggles, etc. She has a lot of independence in this regard and would be perfectly capable of getting along without me. She also has a wealth of great qualities--trustworthy, devoted, honest, communicative, intelligent, etc., not to mention that she's an amazingly attractive woman who would be able to date almost any man she wanted to. Maybe we just see the stages of a relationship a little different. She genuinely LOVES seeing me and wants to do it ALL THE TIME. I, on the other hand, feel trapped and smothered. Not necessarily bored or frustrated, just annoyed by constant demands for my time and attention (which doesn't seem to bother her at all -- in fact, I think she would like it if I reciprocated that some more). The problem now is that I've let this pattern of over-indulgence in the relationship run too long and I know that a reaction to the "space" conversation would not be a positive one. I need to think through how to bring this up so it doesn't tank the entire relationship (which I do NOT want to do). some girls feel this way about relationships..i'm one of them, except i'm not as clingy as ur gf. i guess i just view it like i love my bf so much and because of that i want to be with him a lot. my bf is a cpa so he doenst have that much free time so its difficult sometimes. we spend the entire weekend together because its a LDR right now. we came up with a solution that we would spend time alone on the weekend to do our own thing and then set aside special "couples time", as well. i think that was his way of saying that he wanted some of his own time. i generally would be fine with being with him a lot because thats just how i am. i dont need as much space in a relationship. this is probably how ur gf is as well. u could maybe instead of saying u need space say "actually i was thinking i could go do something by myself (pick something that u know she wouldnt want to do), and then we could maybe set aside some time for us later to watch a movie together." that way ur getting ur own time, and also spending time together as well. i dont do well with the whole "i need space" crap, so maybe talking to her about the issue in another way may help. let her know that shes still important and u still want to spend time with her, but u want to do something on ur own as well. she may respond a little better to this.
Author Depth of Insight Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Thanks, Lauriebell -- this is always such a helpful forum. I think you're right in that she just is "that way." I know her pattern with her last relationships always involved the same MO -- jump in with both feet immediately and constantly. Not necessarily unhealthy, just a style issue. I think that in her last situations it may have been a more mutual, though. However they didn't work out I think just the mere word "space" will bring forth too many complications as it's a loaded concept. I've got a couple days before I see her again (i'm out of town on business), so I can think it through some more beforehand. The good thing is that we had a mild "talk" over the phone last night that brought up enough concepts for me to follow up in an easy and non-threatening manner.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 ur welcome..ok a couple questions. does she like actually DEMAND ur time? what does she say? does she actually tell u to not do other things and spend time with her? cause there is a fine line between outright demanding and just wanting to see u more. and if she is demanding ur time, there could be a reason for it. maybe she doesnt feel as though ur giving enough attention to the relationship. how much time do u guys actually spend with each other. i mean from what u've said it sounds like she just wants to see u more, and since ur feeling trapped and smothered than u probably are pulling away. this in turn is making her latch onto u even tighter for fear of losing u. its a cycle and u've got to break it. the "talk" is going to be important. like i said def. do it in a non-threatening manner. don't sugar coat the issue, but dont even enter the word "space" into the conversation. flatter her a little, tell her that u love her (assuming u do) and do like spending time with her, but u want to do some "guy" things and have time to urself. then compromise by doing what i suggested. honestly ur gf isnt trying to be demanding and smother u intentionally..its just the way she feels about relationships. u guys are going to have to come to some sort of happy median though if ur gonna stay together. compromise is everything in a relationship!
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