I just "checked out"

[electric_sheep]

Yesterday I forgot my phone when I went to work. Around mid-afternoon I noticed a couple of distressed emails my gf had sent me, after she was unable to get hold of me via phone. I called her up and she was in the middle of what I call a "meltdown", for lack of a better term.

 

These meltodowns involve her being hysterical about everything, feeling really depressed AND manic, crying a lot, feeling helpless, and being really pesimistic about everything. She does not respond to "logical" or "thoughtful" suggestions, as these meltdowns are basically her emotional system going completely haywire. This is a very real problem (think panic attack) and she has been to a doctor about it, who has given her Xanax to take in an emergency.

 

One thing she said on the phone yesterday really worried me... she asked, in a pleading voice, "will you take care of me?" This seems to be completely antithetical to her feminist tendencies, and it shocks me that she occationally will ask this when stressed out. I guess I'm a modern guy, and aside from extreme circumstances (car crashes, death in the family), taking care of another person is not something I associate with a healthy relationship.

 

Anyway, I told her I'd call her when I got off work, yet after getting off the phone with her yesterday I slipped into total avoidance mode. I didn't go home at all. Instead I just drove around and listened to music, and went and had some beers. The longer I screwed off the worse i felt, and the less I wanted to see her, realizing I had essentially blown her off. Eventually I ended up calling her a little after 10 pm.

 

I think what happened is I just snapped under the pressure. These panic/anxiety/emotional attacks put a tremendous amount of pressure on me, and I think I felt a combination of resentment and helplessness. I'm not used to people putting such high emotional demands on me. I'm honestly not sure anymore if I can meet them.

 

I mean, these "attacks" are infrequent, but extremely draining. I'd say she is pretty emotionally needy in general, these "attacks" are just the pinnacle of that. You could say I'm more or less stereotypically English. In my family we always "kept our **** together" as much as possible, and we never talked about anything important with anyone else. That's certainly not healthy either.

 

Well, anyone have any thoughts? I just needed to voice all this.

[Bree]

Well, what you did was kinda wrong, I mean you know she has the anxiety attacks, yet you avoided her probably causing her to break down even more. I realize your under stress from this, but the thing is you sighned on for it. I mean ya'll are living together meaning at one point in time you were willing to deal with this. So i think now you need to make a decision to deal with it or leave. Your only hurting her more in the long run by avoiding her. Good luck!

[sunshinegirl]

Is she in counseling at all? I have to believe a doc wouldn't just write someone a prescription for xanax without having spent time with her. It seems that she needs to learn more ways to self-soothe, and to learn where healthy boundaries are in terms of the support other people can and should offer her, and where she needs to understand that she is putting too much strain/expectations on others. What does it mean for you to take care of her, anyway? (assuming you were both willing to and could) When somebody's having panic attacks, I'm not sure what anyone else can do for them.

 

That said, I feel bad for her, I had a friend who had panic attacks and it was awful for her. She felt extremely out of control and unable to influence what was happening for her. So I can understand the hysteria your GF feels. Happily though my friend got some good counseling, meds, and learned ways to calm herself down and work through the anxiety. Wonder if your GF needs to learn to do that too?

[LoveLace]

She does sound needy, of your attention anyway. But it sounds like she might need to go back to the Dr. again. Perhaps she needs anti depressants. But whatever is causing this behavior is what needs to be addressed. And the reason you feel resentment is because she counts on you to be there at any moment, any time, when she desires your attention or is having a meltdown. That's a lot to put on anyone, even a significant other. She's not doing it on purpose but she's bringing you down with her. You feel drained because you've been trying to fight this. It almost sounds like she needs some type of Psych therapy. She has made you feel like your responsible for picking her up when she's down. I've been there myself, until I learned the only person that can pick you up is you. Pretty much the same thing as "keeping your ****T together" like you said.

 

You know what they say, the only real help is the kind where you help yourself. Kindly sit down with her and explain that you are glad to be there for her, but your mere presence in her life is not going to fix everything. Most of her healing has to come from within herself. Explain that her pessimism/anxiety is effecting you in a way that your uncomfortable with; go on to explain that the relationship is beginning to suffer because of it. But before talking more about the relationship, she has to get help for herself first. It may even be wise to create space between you 2 for a while. I think she's a little too dependent on you emotionally, and the only way to learn independence is by being on your own. It might be difficult for you to picture this conversation with her; but her problem is effecting you and the relationship so something needs to be done. Good luck

[soulseeker]

She needs to be responsible for herself. And she needs to have this taken care of before she can be in a healthy relationship. What is she anxious about? Abandonment? She needs to figure this out and realize that whatever it is, has nothing to do with you.

 

Having said that, is she on birth control? From my own experience, certain types can really mess you up. I think some men underestimate the emotional toll these little pills can have.

[boshemia]

She might be needy, and it may just be too much for you to handle. I just saw this one line standing out...

 

She does not respond to "logical" or "thoughtful" suggestions, as these meltdowns are basically her emotional system going completely haywire.

 

I know this situation pretty well, when I was going through a really tough time last year I had this discussion with my husband a few times. No matter how many times he told me that my feelings were irrational, and offered me suggestions for improvement it just didn't work.

 

In fact it made me feel worse. I already knew my fears at the time were exaggerated, I already felt like I was going crazy, and it didn't help having him confirm those fears.

 

The thing is, I'm a queen of denial. I deny that things are bothering me at all until I have one of those "meltdowns" as you put it. Though I'm in counseling to deal with it, and it is helping, I still have those manic moments now and then...

 

I finally had to explain to my husband that I didn't WANT his help, I could figure it out for myself if he just let me. The more he tried to advise me, the less I was able to think for himself. We now have a policy of "Just let me talk." Don't offer advice, don't try to fix it, don't tell me I'm wrong... I'll figure all of that out for myself. All I really need is to know that the man I love loves me enough to just let me be fragile for a little while.

 

It's the same approach in Mars/Venus. Men and women are different, they cope with things in different ways, they fix things in different way. A man withdraws when he needs to think, and a woman seeks companionship. Men don't talk about their problems with other men very often, women do. We turn to our best friend, and she already understands that we don't need anything but support. She asks questions like "How does that make you feel?" and "What do you think you're going to do about this?"

 

He didn't like it at first, I would have to remind him to just be quiet and let me get it out. After awhile he looked at me and said "That's it? That's all I have to do is listen?"

 

Now he prefers it this way, he doesn't feel responsible for fixing me, and I am able to fix myself. In some ways, by giving me advise he is telling me that he doesn't trust me to e able to handle my own problems, and it makes me question my own ability to cope.

 

So I guess I'm trying to say... maybe you need to stop trying to fix it and just listen. Ask her how she feels, why she feels that way, and what she is going to do about it. Bite your tongue and listen without "trying to help"... let her know that you trust her to be able to find the answers to her own problems. If you can trust her, she'll start trusting herself more. She'll make mistakes, she'll learn from them... but eventually she'll do it on her own and all you have to do is listen.

 

Just so you know, I'm not criticizing you at all. I'm not saying any of her problems are your fault. Actually I'm saying her problems aren't your fault, and you shouldn't feel responsible for fixing them.

 

It's also possible that she has learned this breakdown behavior through some unhealthy patterns in her own past. If you stop responding to them in rescuer mode and letting her deal with them, just offering your support, nothing else. Try telling her that you know she is capable of handling it, and you can't really help her, all you can do is support her.

 

If it's an attention thing then she'll find someone else to provide her what she needs, and you know that you have done your best.

[dropdeadlegs]

You have been given some good advice. I used to have meltdowns of my own. I wasn't looking for someone to fix my life, I was looking for support, and the natural place to look for support is our SO. A simple "I'm sorry your having such a bad day" is usually enough for me.

 

When we are in emotional crisis we reach out to those closest to us, those who have the most impact on our happiness. We aren't really expecting anyone one to fix anything or even "take care of" us, we just need to feel loved and comforted at a bad time.

 

If the meltdowns come too often, or are too extreme, I can understand your inability to cope with them and respect your right to leave the relationship. I wouldn't want you to dread going home or anything, as that is when her meltdowns affect your own wellbeing.

[alphamale]

Well, anyone have any thoughts? I just needed to voice all this.

Sound like she's a nut case to me....this sort of behaviour will only get worse and worse with time. Imagine what she'll be like after marriage and two kids. You should find someone more stable.

[electric_sheep]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

My GF is on anti-depressants and a couple of other things. Turns out she had forgotten her meds the night before, and this caused a major swing in her mood. Apparently forgetting your meds is worse than not being on them at all.

 

We live in VA and she goes to school here, so I think the VA Tech incident has seriously tapped deep into her anxieties and fears.

 

Oddly, I think everything has turned out for the best. Previously I've been a bedrock of reliability and responsibility. It might not have been the best way to do it, but it was time for her to realize I'm not some kind of superhuman, and that I have limits too.

 

Anyway, I guess in a way I did "sign on" for this, but in the initial chemical rush of love it's amazing the things we will put up with. Not to mention, when you first hear from someone that they have depression or anxiety problems, it's impossible to really "get it" at first. The mind conjures up Woody Allen like scenarios. In real life it's not as much fun.

 

Not to mention "crazy" people are generally only crazy like 2 percent of the time. That makes things more difficult. It would be easy to leave them if they were crazy 30 or 40 percent of the time.

 

I think it's safe to say I'm in the re-evaluation phase of the relationship. How long should one stay in that phase, anyhow? She was going to move in with me at the end of the summer before school starts back up again. She basically lives with me now, but she does have a dorm room to retreat too if need be. All this has me seriously nervous now.

[dropdeadlegs]

Since your GF is in school, I'm going to take a guess that she's gearing up for exams and such.

 

There are varying degrees of depression and anxiety and my personal experiences with both are that during particularly stressful times I get rather whacko. Presently my life is relatively calm, and the VTech incident didn't send me into the same kind of tailspin that 9/11 and Columbine did and I don't live anywhere near the locations of either of those catastrophes. Maybe I'm getting number to national tragedies or maybe I am presently better dealing with my emotions. Regardless, I didn't spend inordinant amounts of time obsessively watching the media coverage last week while I was completely consumed with coverages of other tragedies.

 

I understand having irrational emotional reactions, yet I also understand that they would be completely draining for you to deal with them. I'd love to be able to tell you that she will get better with time, but I think I got worse in some ways. The episodes are much less frequent than in my 20's and 30's, but I feel they are more debilitating when they occur. Therapy has helped and I no longer take any medications at all. Much of my anxiety was caused by a stressful, demanding job and I am no longer employed and much happier overall. I know my unemployment can't last forever and wonder if any job would cause the same reaction or if it was simply the career I had chosen. I don't think I am capable of juggling as many balls as most people are required to do in life.

 

Reevaluation is important. You seem to have a good head about this. I agree that she has to learn to handle her episodes on her own. Maybe it isn't best to move her in with you. However things work out, I'm confident you will choose what's best for you. Good luck to you, and her.

[electric_sheep]

I think if she had some drop dead legs it might help, hehe.

 

Sorry.

 

[dropdeadlegs]

I think if she had some drop dead legs it might help, hehe.

 

Sorry.

 

Yeah, I'm sure the legs have kept a man or two around longer than they would have stayed otherwise.

[electric_sheep]

The more I think about it, the more unrealistic it seems to expect her not to have these meltdowns anymore. I think the only thing that can change is how I react to them, and what she expects from me.

 

Presently, when she has these break downs, I'm expected to give up the remainder of my day (drop all my plans) and just hang out with her. I've backed out of plans with my friends before. Hell, I've even left work early. That's where the resentment comes from. The fact that she more or less expects this of me. That's what pissed me off the other day. I was in a good mood and all set to go to the gym when I got the dreaded call.

 

As for simply listening to her, and not offering her advice, the problem is she constantly baits me to get me into the conversation. She directly or indirectly asks me for advice, or says things like "I'm so fat" or "I can't do anything right", etc... which is an invitation for me to contradict her, then she responds in a ludicriously pessimistic manner at whatever I say. I've gotten where I try and just keep my mouth shut as much as possible, because frankly my own attitude isn't always helpful.

 

Case in point... I'm not particularly religious so I didn't know what to say about VA Tech. I made the mistake of saying their will always be crazy people in our society and that something like this will likely happen again. I consider it like a natural disaster in a way... something that sucks but that is largely out of everybodies control. This was not the right thing to say.

 

Anyway, I think it's boundary time. I don't think anybody has been doing her a favor by letting her vent/dump on others like this. No doubt her family has been enabling this all along, and I came along and picked up the slack.

[blind_otter]

The more I think about it, the more unrealistic it seems to expect her not to have these meltdowns anymore. I think the only thing that can change is how I react to them, and what she expects from me.

 

Excellent insight! Gold star for e_s.

 

Presently, when she has these break downs, I'm expected to give up the remainder of my day (drop all my plans) and just hang out with her. I've backed out of plans with my friends before. Hell, I've even left work early. That's where the resentment comes from. The fact that she more or less expects this of me. That's what pissed me off the other day. I was in a good mood and all set to go to the gym when I got the dreaded call.

 

Well it's unrealistic of her to expect you to drop everything when she has a meltdown. I admit that I used to be very much like your girlfriend. I had what my SO calls "hysterical episodes" -- now I'm on a mood stabilizer and things are much more under control. I haven't had a hysterical episode in months. My SO is overjoyed. I feel slightly dead inside. (see my thread "the drugs make me boring" in the watercooler section). I'm going off track here. ANYWAYS....

 

I've gotten where I try and just keep my mouth shut as much as possible, because frankly my own attitude isn't always helpful.

 

This is probably for the best. At my most rational moments I recognize this.

 

Case in point... I'm not particularly religious so I didn't know what to say about VA Tech. I made the mistake of saying their will always be crazy people in our society and that something like this will likely happen again. I consider it like a natural disaster in a way... something that sucks but that is largely out of everybodies control. This was not the right thing to say.

 

Well I think it's fine.

 

Anyway, I think it's boundary time. I don't think anybody has been doing her a favor by letting her vent/dump on others like this. No doubt her family has been enabling this all along, and I came along and picked up the slack.

 

Exactly what I have learned recently, although I'm on your GF's side of the spectrum....I learned this from my therapist. Boundary setting is extremely important. What you described is exactly what happened to me. What has helped me the most is that my SO has set boundaries about my behavior. He has explain what is acceptible to him and what is not acceptible, and to be honest no one has ever done that before. I was merely tolerated and ignored by my family, which led to a lack of knowledge in the interpersonal arena.

 

Sorry I had to get all personal on you in your thread, but what you described about your GF is me to a tee. Or was, rather. Now I'm heavily medicated for everyone's safety.

[dropdeadlegs]

Good post, electric_sheep.

 

Yep, she needs to learn how to cope on her own. You cannot always be there to pick up the pieces.

 

Therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Pills are only temporary fixes and should not be relied on as anything other than a tool to get through the tough spot and allow the time to dig in and do the really hard work of self exploration.

 

Explaining your boundaries is an important step in the reevaluation phase. You don't want to be enabling her inability to cope while to making yourself miserable in the process.

[Star Gazer]

 

Presently, when she has these break downs, I'm expected to give up the remainder of my day (drop all my plans) and just hang out with her. I've backed out of plans with my friends before. Hell, I've even left work early. That's where the resentment comes from. The fact that she more or less expects this of me. That's what pissed me off the other day. I was in a good mood and all set to go to the gym when I got the dreaded call.

 

You might not like what I have to say about this.

 

It sounds to me like your priorities are out of whack. You got pissed because you were drawn away from going to the GYM to help your distressed girlfriend? You're resentful over having to cancel on your friends to help your girlfriend and be there for you when she needs you? WTF is your problem? If it were a different problem - a flat tire in the middle of rush hour, she gets fired, has a seizure, a death in the family - would you have the same resentment? Sh*t, I hope not.

 

You yourself said that these panic attacks are infrequent. I realize they are draining for you, but so are most other medical conditions and traumatic events in a person's life. While I think it's a little unrealistic of her to EXPECT you to be there to make it all better (she does need to learn how to cope on her own), I also believe that if there's ANY strength and value to your relationship whatsoever, she has the right to believe that you will be there for her when she needs you to be. She's certainly not being melodramatic or making stuff up - this is a REAL problem. She needs REAL help (meds and therapy) and REAL support (you). If you're not able to be a part of her support system, I suggest you move on.

[sunshinegirl]

It sounds to me like your priorities are out of whack. You got pissed because you were drawn away from going to the GYM to help your distressed girlfriend? You're resentful over having to cancel on your friends to help your girlfriend and be there for you when she needs you? WTF is your problem? If it were a different problem - a flat tire in the middle of rush hour, she gets fired, has a seizure, a death in the family - would you have the same resentment? Sh*t, I hope not.

 

The different problems you describe are flukes, accidents, things that happen once in a blue moon. I highly doubt he would have the same resentment in a situation like that. But that's not what we're talking about here. His GF is seriously ill and the impression I get is that she regularly expects him to drop everything to come to her side. At some point, that would get under anyone's skin!

 

Again, it comes back to boundaries. I don't think his priorities are at all out of whack - it's all about figuring out how much and what kind of support he can reasonably offer. He's her boyfriend, not her counselor.

[Star Gazer]

The different problems you describe are flukes, accidents, things that happen once in a blue moon. I highly doubt he would have the same resentment in a situation like that. But that's not what we're talking about here. His GF is seriously ill and the impression I get is that she regularly expects him to drop everything to come to her side. At some point, that would get under anyone's skin!

 

Again, it comes back to boundaries. I don't think his priorities are at all out of whack - it's all about figuring out how much and what kind of support he can reasonably offer. He's her boyfriend, not her counselor.

 

She cannot control her illness anymore than she can control a fluke accident. The only thing she can control is who her support system is when these events occur. The only thing HE can control is whether or not he's willing to be a part of it. If the roles were reversed, I think he'd have the same hopes ("expectations") that she does.

 

That said, I agree that it's about boundaries...but you're missing the connection. If this relationship is a priority, that boundary of being there for her in the time of crisis - whatever that crisis may be - should be nonexistent.

 

Moreover, he specifically indicated these panic attacks are INFREQUENT. While she might expect him to be there for her when they do happen, he's made it clear it's not a REGULAR thing we're talking about here. They simply "drain" him.

[Teddy and Jane]

Actually she can to some extent control her "meltdowns." She can learn how to better control herself and not be rude to her boyfriend, such as when she says stuff that is negative about herself to bait her boyfriend to contradict her, and then she says things that are worse to make him feel badly. That is manipulative, thought-out behavior. I think these "meltdowns" are a lot more manipulation than she will lead you to believe. Sorry.

[jcster]

It can be so difficult to tell the extent of manipulation or genuine need in reading about them second hand - and I really think that to debate it is a red-herring. What's important, to my thinking, is how electric_sheep feels about the situation - which is stifled. My advice would be to attempt to set some boundaries with your girlfriend if you want to save the relationship, the resentment that you are feeling now will only grow over time if not addressed.

[LoveLace]

I don't think this is a question of where his priority is with the relationship. Just the fact that he posted here tells me he is quite concerned about the relationship. Even if your dedicated to a relationship, you desire to have your own life and alone time, and it's only healthy to do so. Perhaps the OP feels too weighed down by her troubles to do this. A thing such as a flat tire, etc, is an unpredictable crisis that I'm sure he would assist her with. It's possible to truly love someone but if there is a regular routine of that person having anxiety/meltdowns, and is totally dependent on you to be there all the time no matter what, it would have to get exhausting for anyone. I believe the OP doesn't want to feel the resentment that he's feeling, but he does and that's why he came here seeking advice. If they were married, we could say he's gonna have to be stuck dealing with it or get a divorce. But they are not married, so he has the option to create major space between them.

 

If you don't love yourself then no one else will, you know that saying. The only way for her to do this is if they spend some time a part, enough time for her to learn to be happy on her own. Medicine is a beautiful thing and helps us to deal with life's obstacles better; however I think we tend to rely on it too much at times. I think with enough therapy, it's possible for her to learn to be ok without having medicine, maybe less of it anyway. If she's ever in a relationship and forgets to take a pill one day, her behavior could easily scare someone off. I feel for anyone though, who has to be so dependent on a pill to regulate their mood and anxiety for the rest of their life. But unfortunately I guess there is no other solution for some. It is also sad that it could affect relationships; but since the OP is not married to this woman, he doesn't have to stay around if he doesn't want to, if he's feeling emotionally drained, and the only way to fix it is really all up to her - in the mean time it is impairing his ability to live freely, because she's making him feel guilty for doing his own thing, instead of tending to her meltdowns.

 

YOU come 1st, always, in my opinion. We should be there for the ones we love as much as we can, etc, and be compassionate for their troubles, etc. Giving to others can be a gift in itself. But in some situations, you just have to look out for yourself. The OP should do that because if he doesn't, he would only grow to become more and more resentful towards his GF. In a way, giving her space is a way for him to help them both.

[boshemia]

"As for simply listening to her, and not offering her advice, the problem is she constantly baits me to get me into the conversation. She directly or indirectly asks me for advice, or says things like "I'm so fat" or "I can't do anything right", etc... which is an invitation for me to contradict her, then she responds in a ludicriously pessimistic manner at whatever I say. I've gotten where I try and just keep my mouth shut as much as possible, because frankly my own attitude isn't always helpful."

 

I'm guessing you would be able to walk away from a worm hanging on a hook... you wouldn't feel drawn to it, or respond to it in any way. Thankfully we all have control over what bait we do and do not take in life... I know sometimes it seems like it doesn't... but what will she do if you stop responding to the worm? Eventually she'll have to find new bait...

 

Do your best to stop responding on issues like that. If she says she's fat, it's not a question. The excuse me trick works well. Just look at her like you didn't hear her and say excuse me? She'll rephrase it, Wait for her to respond with the actual question she has in mind before you answer. "Do you think I'm fat?"

 

Another trick you can try is turning it around on her. Just rephrase her comment and send it right back, make sure you sound sympathetic not sarcastic. "I can't do anything right."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well because I always burn dinner"

"Why do you think you burn dinner?"

"Because I get too busy with other things."

"Why do you get busy"

 

This way you aren't criticizing her at all, and not feeding her what she wants to hear. You are helping her think for herself, AND not getting yourself into trouble in the process.

[freckles73]

I feel really bad for her. My ex-boyfriend...the greatest love of my life...dumped me for this very reason. I was sick and not getting very good health care treatment at the time because of lazy doctors. I'm 95% better now, but it's too late. He's gone.