Sunset Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Hi, like a lot of people I moved away from the site - it was Sept 2006 so hello again everyone. I am married and the one who was having affair. The man I was seeing plays games and it messes with my head. Without wanting to write reams and reams of history, I got addicted to the attention and fell in love. But he is devious and is a predator of women. He tells me he loves me but I know he has seen many other women. I have seen emails. Now he tells me he is going back to his own country and needs to see me to say goodbye. I have no evidence that he is going away and indeed what I have seen seems to be the opposite. I am not going for a goodbye sh*g so I declined. Now its goodbye. If I do not make sense with anything please ask but my question is how do I get over being addicted to him? I think about him constantly even though I know he is a turd! I need a switch off button in my brain. It was all left very nice so it would not surprise me if in a few weeks he suddenly comes back (ie not gone in first place) and wants to see me. The thing is I want to get the strength/knowledge to forget about him. Please no hard sells about my husband, I know I am doing wrong etc. etc. and honestly if I could switch my brain to forget about OM I would be happy at home. Anyone here has been through this or is going through this and can help? I know I am no angel but I just need help with this mind thing!
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 how do I get over being addicted to him? I think about him constantly even though I know he is a turd! I need a switch off button in my brain. It was all left very nice so it would not surprise me if in a few weeks he suddenly comes back (ie not gone in first place) and wants to see me. The thing is I want to get the strength/knowledge to forget about him. Break the addiction, focus on what you want what you truly want. Set that goal in your mind, visualize it and aim at reaching that goal. If what you want is to get over him then set that as your goal. First off cut all ties with him and do not respond to his contacts. Figure out how you want to end it and let him know you are ending it and that you will not be responding further. Secondly, you will feel a tremendous amount of pain, you will fall into a temporary depression if you will. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship, the loss of the good feelings you had while you were with him and the loss of the excitement of looking forward to what you had. Be prepared for the pain and ride it out. I don't know how much your family demands of you but you will need to cry it out, and sleep it off without neglecting your family's duties, it's not fair to them. Once you've allowed yourself to purge the sorrow, you have to decide to start the healing progress. Do not do things that remind you of him, listen to music, read emails, watch movies etc. NOTHING that reminds you of him focus on you and your own life. Make sure to work out, working out does wonders for the mind and you will feel good/sexy your selfesteem needs a boost right now. Then when you are reminded of all the good things replace those thoughts with all the crap and he does and train your brain to process realistic thoughts not romanticized ones. Once you can get through those steps you have officially broken the addiciton are on your way to a clean break. It sounds mechanical, it sounds like I am making sound easy, it's not and don't kid yourself that it is. But the feeling of accomplishment that you willl feel if you can stick to your plan is tremendously rewarding and will give you the healthy boost to kick this unhealthy addiction to the curb. my theory is tested and proved, I speak from experience unfortunately good luck.
whichwayisup Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Maybe you need to make yourself accountable for your actions and the only way to completely end the affair so IF he ever comes back to woo you into his life again, IS to tell your husband the truth. He (your husband) does deserve to know because you're focussing on the OM so much, all that love, sexual energy and passion that is supposed to be for your H, is directed at the OM. I get that you want closure, a way out and to get the OM out of your head. So, again, make yourself accountable, set up boundries and lines that you will never cross again. Go to therapy to help you seek ways of getting over him, ridding the habit of the addictive feelings he brings out in you. Anyway, I wish you luck and if you put your mind and heart into doing all that you can to forget the OM, you'll be better off and you can then fix your marriage.
Jinxx Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 If I do not make sense with anything please ask but my question is how do I get over being addicted to him? Time -- one day at a time. You'll have good days and bad days. Start with working on your marriage. Take up a new hobby. Go to or join a gym -- a wonderful way to relieve stress and keep your mind occupied. It will be difficult but you will get through this. Good luck to you.
Author Sunset Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Thank you so much everyone, this is exactly what I needed. I really appreciate that you did not jump on me for family/husband. It has ended - I told him as he was not going to be here there was not much point. That was a few days ago and yes right now I feel really low. So Tomcat following your stages already! Hope to come out the other end ok though, am going to take up running I think to lift my mood and get fit.
Guest Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Maybe you need to make yourself accountable for your actions and the only way to completely end the affair so IF he ever comes back to woo you into his life again, IS to tell your husband the truth. He (your husband) does deserve to know because you're focussing on the OM so much, all that love, sexual energy and passion that is supposed to be for your H, is directed at the OM. I get that you want closure, a way out and to get the OM out of your head. So, again, make yourself accountable, set up boundries and lines that you will never cross again. Go to therapy to help you seek ways of getting over him, ridding the habit of the addictive feelings he brings out in you. Anyway, I wish you luck and if you put your mind and heart into doing all that you can to forget the OM, you'll be better off and you can then fix your marriage. Why would you want her to tell her husband for a mistake that she is already having a bad time about. Don't you think that she is feeling bad enough. I say deal with your loss the way that the other person told you to do, and don't tell your husband, unless you plan on having more pain.
Tomcat33 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Good girl Sunset! You can do it even though right now it seems like you are climbing the highest mountain in the world without gear ;-) Trust me I KNOW how you feel. As I said feel the pain at some point you will have to make yourself snap out of that mode. That thing that paralizes us in the addcition mode is the constant thoughts of all the great times. so STOP those if you feel you can't get past them, if you feel you can see no wrong STOP that because the state you are in is all controlled by your thought patterns not the actual love you feel for him. I'm not saying you will stop loving you more than likely won't, but you WILL break the addiction and that's what is dangerous for you. I read about a technique that really helped me when I could not stop the "good thoughts" It sounds silly but it really worked. Here goes: Whenever you picture him in a good situation picture something that you really hate or that turns your stomach or that irritates you, and imagine him doing that. But you really have to visualize that. For example I would visualize my man with bad breath (he never had bad breath) I pictured how disgusted I would be trying to kiss him and imagined the whole scenerio I could almost see the smell.(tee-hee) It worked it really worked I broke the happy pattern..and allowed the negative images of what was destructive in the rel, to shine through. might not work for everyone but def worth a try, ;-) It's not to say you won't reminisce about the good times ever again, you will... but right now you need to break the pattern before it breaks you. Huggs and be strong I know it's not easy.
Author Sunset Posted April 26, 2007 Author Posted April 26, 2007 Thank you, today is a bad day, I feel so stressed inside like I could burst into tears and I think because I have to be jolly on the outside it makes it hard. I am feigning a headache right now just to get half an hour peace. Struggling to snap out of this horrible place. It IS the addiction I am fighting not any love, sometimes I hate him so much I can't say what I'd like to do but thats not good either. I need to get into that place where you don't care ie he features so low on the richter that no change in emotion good or bad is caused - if that makes sense!
stillafool Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 yeah it's going to take time. You definitely have to go NC and stick to it no matter how hard it is. Also keep yourself busy with projects. Good luck.
Tomcat33 Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 Thank you, today is a bad day, I feel so stressed inside like I could burst into tears and I think because I have to be jolly on the outside it makes it hard. I am feigning a headache right now just to get half an hour peace. Struggling to snap out of this horrible place. It IS the addiction I am fighting not any love, sometimes I hate him so much I can't say what I'd like to do but thats not good either. I need to get into that place where you don't care ie he features so low on the richter that no change in emotion good or bad is caused - if that makes sense! I know Sunset it is really hard, I know exactly how you feel. And what you are striving for does indeed make sense, that is ideally where you will be once you get to the right point of your closure. For the time being don't pressure yourself into being at a stage you are not emotionally ready to be in. There is too much going on inside that head of yours now and you need to heal baby steps at a time. Go off into the bathroom (if you are at work) and have good cry if you feel it, I know the hardest part is putting on the happy mask infront of others but you can't avoid it. most importantly don't fight the feelings, you are supposed to feel down and confused, just ride them out. I promise you it does get better. Write a journal and pour all the emotions that you feel towards him in that journal, write everything that you would say to him and purge all those thoughts from your head. It works to let that out, don't send it it to him of course, but do purge. And most importantly stay strong in NC mode.
Author Sunset Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 The journal sounds great but I would be scared husband would find it and read, I do not have a private place and no I am not telling him. I am struggling with NC and have text a couple of times, so much for me saying goodbye! I need to get strong and will try and read up on NC. Not what it is because of course I know but how to deal with those desperate weak moments. I used to text and tell him how much I miss him but surely that is just stroking his ego.
Tomcat33 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Sunset: How are you feeling today? Use the computer as your journal, type out aaaaaall your feelings in a WORD document and then hit delete once it's all out of you! The magic if PCs Don't worry about breaking the NC you are going to have relapses it's natural and please don't kick yourself for it. Just remind yourself of what your ultimate goal is and keep on truckin'. Keep moving forward even after a little slip. It will get easier with time. Just focus on all the bad stuff As per the NC question there is no hard fast rule for how to deal with it you just do. How do addicts deal with the shock to the system, when they first cut off the drug? They ride it out. It feels awful but you ride it out. THAT'S what will make you stronger. Are you practicing the mental imagines when you think of the good times only?
GreenEyedLady Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 S: Sorry that things have been tough for you...alot of people have left the site, but alot are just a PM away... Hope you're having a better day...
silktricks Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Sunset: Use the computer as your journal, type out aaaaaall your feelings in a WORD document and then hit delete once it's all out of you! Be very careful about this! Everything else TC said, though, is right on the money.. Good luck.
Author Sunset Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 I have been feeling low until I got on here and read all your advice, it makes me feel so much better to know I have some people onside. I am going to try the picture images TomCat tonight (I am in the UK) because thats the time when the images go over and over in my head. Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate it.
Tomcat33 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Silksticks I know putting stuff down in her PC can be a doubious act but I'd be just as concerned with what she writes here though. Actually it's true the PC can lead to more problems, what about journals on peices of paper and then flush them down the toilet? Sunset I'm sorry to hear it's really hard for you now, but happy to here that coming on here cheers you up a bit, you see how important it is to journal your thoughts? Purging helps you take the thoughts that are running a million miles in your head and bring them out, to give your pretty little head a rest for a while. I am a strong advocate of journaling ESPECIALLY when it seems like the lowest point like nothing makes sense. Because those thoughts will keep spinning an it's just too exhausting and painful. When I wanted to contact my ex I would write an email with all the things I would think of and wanted to say to him, then I would let it all out and I would read it back to myself, have a good cry and hit DELETE. It felt so good after, it calmed my thoughts it gave me strength and allowed me to focus on the task at hand, to stay strong to reach that point where it ALL makes sense. It will make sense sunset just remember you are breaking the addiction, it will take you as long as it takes you but it won't be for ever. They say the addiction usually breaks in two to four weeks. So in that time the feelings will be a little bit more under control.
Darth Vader Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Why would you want her to tell her husband for a mistake that she is already having a bad time about. Don't you think that she is feeling bad enough. I say deal with your loss the way that the other person told you to do, and don't tell your husband, unless you plan on having more pain. Her husband has every right to make a choice about what he wants to do with his life, whether to stay with her, or not. She made a choice to cheat, why can't he have a choice to stay or not?
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 If her husband finds out the truth from someone else, it will be worse. Never say never... Go read InaPanic's thread. This was a woman who found the strength to come clean about her affair. She realized she couldn't hold in the truth, it was killing her. She confessed, it was HELL on her, but atleast her husband then had the choice. His choice was to give her a chance to make things right again, and as far as I know they're working it out. I'll try and find the link to her thread and post it here, hopefully it can help you.
whichwayisup Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t110108/ her recent update Her story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96726/ Hope this helps!
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