hugznkisses21 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I think I need relationship advice. My bf is 25 and I am 24 we have been together for 10 mths. We both work full-time and get together about 3 times a week or so depending on schedules and weekends. He does initiate most times we get together because I know he is one that like his own space whereas I love being around people so I let him initiate and ask if he wants to hang out – not all the time but a lot of the time. I try hard to plan dinners and weekends away so that we get that time out and alone – I think every couple can use it every now and then. We have had a very trying 10 mths – we met and all was great – the lovey dovey new newness was so special and made us to happy but as we all know things relax and true personalities are exposed. In the first while I was having a hard time moving into this stage as I wasn’t ready to give up the newness – but slowly we made the transition with some bumps here and there. 4-5 mths into dating my bf lost his best friend to a suicide and this was one of the toughing things we had to face in our relationship – I stuck by him (as emotional as I am) I really tried to help him as best I could I wanted to see him happy again – but it was hard at times we were suffering too it wasn’t easy – the fights started and never seemed to let up. Months later we still fought – he admitted to having a temper at times and I admitted to being overly sensitive – we both have come from past hurtful and/or manipulative relationships so people kept telling us this is all growing pains. Last mth I couldn’t take it anymore – the fighting was started to get to me and I was feeling like I was not secure in my relationship – most fights would end with hurtful comments regarding break ups – which didn’t make it any easy on my already low self esteem – I talking to him and I couldn’t do it I was hurting too much. Don’t get me wrong this sounds factual – but I love this guy with all my hear and this is why I am here. So we talked about it and so far – we have not fought and we things get a bit argumentative we are very good and working through it without a fight – BUT as a result of EVERYTHING – I don’t have the same faith in us and sense of safety and security I used to (does that make sense) Is that normal….is it a gut instinct? What is it…. I feel – im not good enough, he is going to find someone with less problems to have a relationship with, he just isn’t as happy as he could be with someone who he could have had 10 easy mths with. Is is really growing pains…? I dunno ? Lately I have found myself pulling away a bit – I want to change something for myself – like im insecurity and confidence so im working very hard on myself right now. But small bumps along the way now seem so huge to me – he will joke around about how he isn’t getting any – but at the time of the joke it sounds serious (he lives at home – so when is early and everyone is home I really respect his house and family) and so I end up feeling this “He has had a horrible relationship with me, he isn’t happy, now he isn’t satisfied – what stopping him from screwing around for leaving” Can someone walk me through all this – I don’t want to end it – I love him he loves me very much – we do has something special under it all and I do see myself in his future – but is this all too much ? What do I do? I feel sometimes im not going to feel safe about us….how can I talk to him – I just don’t want this feeling in my stomach anymore that we are a lost cause.
stillafool Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Wow, I think you should ease up. I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing young. Try to just enjoy your bf and not think about yourself and feeling insecure around him. He obviously wants to be with you. What would help would to get out and do physical activities together. Go miniature golfing, jogging, beach, arcades, etc. These type of activities will have you laughing, talking and basically getting close again. When fighting, it never helps to bring up the past. Just voice your opinion on what is going on now. Don't yell and scream when fighting as that is such a turn off and will get him angry. Now you both are yelling and screaming and nothing is getting resolved. Just calmly (if you can) state what your problem is. Use words like "I feel" instead of "you did this". Just state how you feel he can't argue with that. If your relationship still continues this way maybe you guys should give it a break for a while and see what happens.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 im 24 not that young.... But fighting isnt an issue right now... Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for your inputt
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Hey Hugz- First off, try and tell yourself that he is not the end all of you. I think the more you start to relax about your relationship the better you will feel, and I bet he will feel it as well. You know, I have problems very similar to yours, but I am realizing he is going to do what he is going to do. All I can do is be a good girlfriend and live MY life. I cant worry so much about him and what he is feeling all the time. So maybe that is a step for you to take. Care more about you. If you still feel nervous about losing him, or him not caring as much, or leaving...tell him you are really ready to work on the obvious insecurities you are feeling, but to help you along the way it would help to hear how he really feels about your relationship. You may find that he may be seeming distant or whatnot because of all your worries. He doesnt like the feeling of not being trusted. So ask him what he thinks of everything and tell him you're ready to get your (for lack of a better word) issues sorted out.
Author hugznkisses21 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 thanks so much ash... that was very uplifting and great to know im supported and am no "alone" that others have felt what i feel and im not "crazy" - ima good person, loving and caring i just sometimes dont know how to deal with my own emotions - and i dont want that to paint the picture of who I am ya know. Im trying very hard and sometimes too hard to the point where he starts to ask me why im so distant...and i dont realize it. Then that in turn makes me feel like oh geeze im doing the opposite and now im not the most attentive gf...yikes...LOL like a circle...but i guess it also makes me realize he is normal and has insecurities at times also right?
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Absolutely....So, yesterday I got home from work and my bf told me his friend asked him to go into the city to see a friends band. I made a consious decision to be ok with what he chooses to do. So I said it was fine, he invited me but I said no because I had a friend coming over and i get up early. (I like my 8 hours ya know.) Anyway, after that I developed a chip on my shoulder. My bf was trying to be close to me, kiss, hold me, and i was being distant and kinda moody and I realized it was because i knew he was going out. He was like "Do you still love me baby?" showing his insecurities and I realized what an ass i was being. That is my next step. So, yes, your insecurities are showing by being distant, but he doesnt realize that is WHY you are acting that way and in return your actions are making him second guess how you feel. It's a big tangled web. I think this is something we both need to work on, but first you need to start with my last post...i think it could help you.
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 thanks so much ash... that was very uplifting and great to know im supported and am no "alone" that others have felt what i feel and im not "crazy" - ima good person, loving and caring i just sometimes dont know how to deal with my own emotions - and i dont want that to paint the picture of who I am ya know. and i can tell you are a good person. Feeling this way in no way defines who you are. I am your age, turning 25 soon EEK and I have the same crap going on...totally improving on it though...and I am a good person and caring etc just like you...not crazy, just, we worry too much!
Author hugznkisses21 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 We should exchange emails...we probably can really benefit from supporting eachother - hehe you are 24 too - HEHE
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 we should...i wonder how we go about doing that....
Author hugznkisses21 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 how do u send a private message?
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 It looks like you have to be a subscriber to do that, it costs money
ash519 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 It does....i will be back on tomorrow, i am leaving work now. Have a good night and good luck with your bf!!!!!
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