whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I called about a PI and they charge $795 for 8 hours of surveillance. I cannot afford that. I'm currently a stay at home mom of 2 and won't start working until June. I know that is very expensive, keep looking, maybe you can find another one that is abit cheaper. And, please, just give it some thought of asking your family or a close friend (or do a bank loan) to borrow the money.
directx Posted April 26, 2007 Posted April 26, 2007 I know that is very expensive, keep looking, maybe you can find another one that is abit cheaper. And, please, just give it some thought of asking your family or a close friend (or do a bank loan) to borrow the money. Yeah, make sure you get good hard solid evidence before confronting him. Dont give him a chance to weasel out and also possibly he may not be cheating. If you are 100% sure either way, it will like a whole lot easier
goingforgold Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I would call her until you get her on the phone and speak to her. If he took off his wedding ring it maybe that even she doesnt know he is married and this could come as a real shock to her or he took off the ring because he went out to find some more "women on the side"
Author overwhelmedmomof2 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 So I asked him about the text messages and calls. He admitted it was the young woman from work. As expected he said they were just friends. I asked him what they were talking about and at first he said just about school and how she is doing, but when I refused to accept that he admitted that he was talking to her about the problems in our relationship. What advice can a 21 year old single woman offer at 34 year old married man? I told him of all the people you could talk to, siblings, married male co-workers, long-time friends, I can't understand why he would choose her as his confidant. I asked him to let me look at the text messages and he refused. He said it was personal between him and her and that he doesn't want anyone to see it. If he wants me to believe him, he needs to be more transparent. He said he can do what he wants with his phone and that he contacted her because he wanted to. I threatened to contact her and that is when he really seemed nervous. He said he didn't want to lose his job just because I'm jealous over some text messages. He said he didn't think it was inappopriate. He also accused me of having an inappropriate relationship with a male friend from college. We've been friends since college and he has been at my wedding reception, baby showers etc. At this point I haven't seen him in two years and we only communicate through e-mail and by phone once in awhile. But I realize he was trying to take the focus off of his behavior. When I told him that I don't believe him, he started saying that our relationship is over as far as he is concerned because he can't live like this. He refuses to be defending himself constantly. I told him it is ridiculous that he is having an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker, but it is my fault. Finally, he apologized and admitted that the relationship was inappropriate and that he won't text message her anymore. He introduced this garbage into our relationship that was already on life support. I can't take this anymore. The last two years with him have been terrible. I only feel sad for my kids (1 and 4). It's sad that they are caught in the middle of their parents stupidity. A marriage should based on love, trust and respect. I don't think we have any of those anymore.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Finally, he apologized and admitted that the relationship was inappropriate and that he won't text message her anymore. Yeah right. He told you what you wanted to hear. He went from denying it, to accusing you of being inappropriate with someone else, to saying he could contact the young co-worker anytime he wanted (And you are right, wtf marital advice does a young woman at age 21 give a 34 year old man? WTF. He is using this to feed his ego and make her be more interested in him) and now he's saying he won't contact her anymore? Uhh, don't believe that for a second. If he wants to change, he has to be an open book, with emails, text messaging.. I think you should talk to her. He is lying to her about the state of your marriage, my guess is he's made it seem worse than it really is. She ofcourse, is probably believing every word of it too...That's sad because he really may be making it seem like your marriage is over, which in turn, leads HER on even more, giving her hope that something could happen between them. It's sick that he isn't thinking of you, or his own little children... I am sorry that he's doing this to you. Question is now, what are you going to do about it? Tell him to leave? Because until he figures it out and feels the consquences of his actions, nothing will change...He doesn't want to see that what he is doing is wrong and selfish.
Author overwhelmedmomof2 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Exactly. I believe that he just said what I wanted to hear at that point to end the argument. I know that he will not be an open book and that is why he has to go. I can't accept this behavior. And I know that he is going to continue contacting her. He only said he would stop the text messaging. He never said he would cut off all contact. I imagine he will continue to go by her desk, call, email and whatever else they do. The fact that he refused to let me see the messages makes me think that he is either lying about the nature of our relationship (like its over, or I'm only with her until she starts working) or there are romantic conversations going on. Maybe both. So I've decided to ask him to leave. In my heart I feel that he wants out of our relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end it. This is his second marriage and he doesn't want to be blamed of abandoning his wife and kids. But honestly, I'm so unhappy that I'm ready to let go.
mopar crazy Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I'm so very sorry you are going through this. He is lying, big time. My WH did the same thing when I found his xOW number on his cell. His stupid excuse was b/c he needed to tell her he would return a cd to her as soon as he burned it. He could of told her that at work. And when I asked him what he had to do for her to borrow the cd he got defensive and said "NOTHING!" About a month later after finding her number on his cell he said he wanted a D. Said we fought all the time and he couldn't handle it anymore. I told him to get his crap and get out. I gave him a couple days to find some place to go. A couple of my friends H's who worked w/ H and his xOW called or came over to tell me they were having an A. When I asked him about it all I got was the "just friends" comment. Stupid me believed his lies! Well, friends kept telling me that they heard they were seen together at a baseball game and even her H had pictures of their vehicles parked together at the motel, and in their garage (he had moved out too). H continued to deny and so did the xOW. It wasn't until her own H showed up at my house w/ those pictures and poems he found. Again, deny!!! I yelled at him and said "How can these poems, letter, and pictures of your vehicles be fake!" His excuse for the poems that he didn't write them (they were all typed up). He couldn't find an excuse for the pictures. He made me out to be the liar, that I didn't have the pictures. He wasn't going to tell the truth no matter how much I had on his cheating a$$! I finally gave up. Hired my own lawyer, and proceeded w/ the D. I was tired of the lies, I was tired of being played a fool, tired of being used by him. My two children and I moved away. About a month later he calls and admits to everything. He told me he wanted to work on the M, he made a huge mistake and if I was going to even think about taking him back he had to start telling me the truth. He claims he lied b/c he didn't want to hurt me and he was ashamed of what he was doing. He didn't take the xOW out in public. If he did, they went out of town or the state. He would hide his truck in her garage when he went to go see her. After I moved out she hid her car behind our house. It's been four years since we reconciled and I honestly do think he regrets putting me through what he did and even said he didn't understand how stupid he could be to put our M at risk. Sorry, TJ your thread w/ my story. If I were you, I would call that number back and ask her why there is so many calls and text between the two. See what she says. She will probably lie, in fact I know she will. I will be surprised if she does tell you the truth. I called my H xOW and she lied too. I know I would hate to stoop to this level but I would do what the poster mentioned above. Get a voice activated recorder and hide it the best you can in his vehicle. My sister bought one (not b/c of her M) and it cost her about $30. I wouldn't use a PI. For one, I couldn't afford it, for another I would rather use that kind of money to get the he!! out of the M and use it on myself or my children. A cheating H isn't worth shelling out that kind of cash. You can find out through your own investigations. Again, I'm so sorry for you pain and what you are going through.
Sheba Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 I too am sorry for what you have been put through. You know that there has been a relationship with another woman that your husband has lied about. You learned that he would not show you the text messages - I think it is safe for us all to assume that the reason he would not is because they are highly "incriminating". He is either having a sexual relationship or planning to have one with this woman. In any case, it is a relationship that breaches the privacy of your marital relationship. This would be enough for me too. There may be more, but I would not need to find out before I went to see a divorce lawyer and got advice about what to do next. Thinking good thoughts for you and your kids, and bad ones for him.
whichwayisup Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 So I've decided to ask him to leave. In my heart I feel that he wants out of our relationship but doesn't want to be the one to end it. This is his second marriage and he doesn't want to be blamed of abandoning his wife and kids. But honestly, I'm so unhappy that I'm ready to let go. As much as it hurts you to do that, it's the right thing to do. He cannot have two women in his life. So, seeing as he can't decide, you've taken control and decided for him. Make sure you have friends/family nearby for support, don't isolate yourself afterwards...And, if you need to, come here and post - We'll all help you through this as well.
outofdarkness Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 As much as it hurts you to do that, it's the right thing to do. He cannot have two women in his life. So, seeing as he can't decide, you've taken control and decided for him. Make sure you have friends/family nearby for support, don't isolate yourself afterwards...And, if you need to, come here and post - We'll all help you through this as well. Have you tried MC...before you leave?? Just asking..
Author overwhelmedmomof2 Posted April 27, 2007 Author Posted April 27, 2007 Thanks everyone for the support. We have not done MC. I have asked for MC for years, but he has refused. Just a week ago after he took off his wedding ring I suggested we go to MC and he said he thought we should just recommit to the relationship. He did not understand that at this point (married almost 6 years) we needed help from a third-party. I also suggested that we both get individual counseling. I will get counseling for myself because I will have a lot of healilng to do, but I don't know what he is going to do.
outofdarkness Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Thanks everyone for the support. We have not done MC. I have asked for MC for years, but he has refused. Just a week ago after he took off his wedding ring I suggested we go to MC and he said he thought we should just recommit to the relationship. He did not understand that at this point (married almost 6 years) we needed help from a third-party. I also suggested that we both get individual counseling. I will get counseling for myself because I will have a lot of healilng to do, but I don't know what he is going to do. Good for you for taking care of yourself. Are you at all interested in saving the M if he sees that you are making an effort to take care of yourself and expresses an interest in MC? Just wondering b/c many times, once the H sees the W begin to take care of herself and go to IC, he'll change his tune. You may be past this point and just ready to move on..and that is to be respected if that is your decision...Good luck!
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