text messages and some calls

[overwhelmedmomof2]

Wow...I don't even know where to start. Well, Friday my husband calls and says that he is going to a club with friends after work. He gets home that night at about 11pm. I'm thinking that I want to try to make the marriage work. The next day, I tell him how I feel and I say that I'm having major problems forgiving a lot of the bad things that have happened in our relationship. He says, "If you know something then just say it." I am confused by this statement because I'm referring to his past behavior of getting high, being nasty to me etc.

 

So later, I see him taking everything out of his wallet. He is looking for his wedding ring. Apparently he took it off Friday morning after he left for work and lost it. I didn't notice that he didn't have it on. Well, he says that I told him I didn't love him the night before (which isn't true) and that he was frustrated. Well he says that he wants us to recommit to our relationship and let go of the past.

 

Well, today I receive the cell phone bill. His previous comment bothered me so I decided to review the cell phone bill. There are over 75 text messages to one number that I don't recognize and that is suspicious because we don't know anyone in that area. There were also some calls to this number but very short. I check last months bill and there are about 20 text messages to this number and a few calls.

 

So now I'm really suspicious. I call the number and I get the answering machine of a woman. I am pissed now. He probably knew that the bill would be higher because he told me he was text messaging back and forth with his sister. None of the text messages to her--they are all to this other woman. I think that the woman is one of his co-worker that he has mentioned to me before.

 

So what do I do know? I've never been in a situation like this.

[chaos40]

You start by fully accepting the fact that he IS cheating on you. You're next moves should be calculated based on that premise.

[Enema]

If you're sure he's cheating (sounds pretty convincing), leave him now.

 

If you're not sure, call the number again until you get the woman and find out who she is, confirm that he's cheating then leave him.

 

Almost sounds like you're asking for advice on how to save your marriage. It already sounds lost.

[jmargel]

Don't say anything to your husband yet, keep calling that number until you get her on the phone, dont leave a message. However she might not give you any info if they are having an affair. Him taking off the ring shows you great disrespect and a good chance that he was trying to make other women believe he was single that night at the club.

 

Unless he faces consequences for his actions he will continue his behavior and it will get worse (as you can see). It's time to make a change of plans on how to resolve this problem, by just talking and no actions things will continue as they are.

 

I would highly suggest MC if that's the route you want to go. I would not assume he is cheating, never do that until you have proof. Though it may be suspecious you still have to find out for sure.

[overwhelmedmomof2]

Thank you for your responses. There are so many text messages and calls that it can't seem like anything other then cheating. Last week I went to my sister's wedding reception and needed to take his cell phone because my phone was dead. He was reluctant to give me his phone and made the excuse that his brother was going to call him. That made no sense because if he called the cell I'd tell him to call the house. But now that I've discovered all these messages, I realize he was scared I would check the messages.

 

Last night I put two and two together that I think it is a co-worker. The address for the number is Rochester. He told me a woman that is a receptionist where he works is from Rochester. And the name on the answering machine sounded like this woman's name which is an unusual name.

 

I think I am going to confront him tonight with the information I have. What is so sad is that I wasn't really that surprised. I thought I would be crying or devastated, but I was more pissed off that he played me for a fool.

[outofdarkness]

Wow...I don't even know where to start. Well, Friday my husband calls and says that he is going to a club with friends after work. He gets home that night at about 11pm. I'm thinking that I want to try to make the marriage work. The next day, I tell him how I feel and I say that I'm having major problems forgiving a lot of the bad things that have happened in our relationship. He says, "If you know something then just say it." I am confused by this statement because I'm referring to his past behavior of getting high, being nasty to me etc.

 

So later, I see him taking everything out of his wallet. He is looking for his wedding ring. Apparently he took it off Friday morning after he left for work and lost it. I didn't notice that he didn't have it on. Well, he says that I told him I didn't love him the night before (which isn't true) and that he was frustrated. Well he says that he wants us to recommit to our relationship and let go of the past.

 

Well, today I receive the cell phone bill. His previous comment bothered me so I decided to review the cell phone bill. There are over 75 text messages to one number that I don't recognize and that is suspicious because we don't know anyone in that area. There were also some calls to this number but very short. I check last months bill and there are about 20 text messages to this number and a few calls.

 

So now I'm really suspicious. I call the number and I get the answering machine of a woman. I am pissed now. He probably knew that the bill would be higher because he told me he was text messaging back and forth with his sister. None of the text messages to her--they are all to this other woman. I think that the woman is one of his co-worker that he has mentioned to me before.

 

So what do I do know? I've never been in a situation like this.

Yep, he's cheating alright, and you'll have a really hard time getting him to admit to anything...Someone on LS once said to me that unless you actually catch them together; in bed or something or get pictures, they can still lie their way out of it...You may not BELIEVE his excuses, but they're really good at it. The very short calls are more then likely, some sort of system they have of letting each other know they are in a place where they can meet, etc...Calls of a minute or less to the same # repeatedly are suspicious...Especially when it's the same # that he's texted on...

 

I disagree w/ contacting the OW...They probably already have some sort of agreement on what they'll say if caught anyway..I'd try to stay quiet, as hard as that may be right now, watch, listen and be alert. He'll slip up..Good luck..

[overwhelmedmomof2]

I know he won't admit it. That is what has me confused about what to do. I can already imagine the excuses he'll say like we're just friends or co-workers. The phone calls are usually just a minute. And sometimes there are several calls in a row of just a minute.

 

He guards his cell phone. He usually keeps it in his dresser drawer and charges it at work. I would like to see the content of these text messages. I don't know his e-mail password. I have a feeling he usually uses his work e-mail to communicate with her because he won't ever leave his blackberry and is constantly checking it.

 

Hmm...should I just stay quiet and investigate or confront him? Thanks everyone for the advice you've already given me.

[jmargel]

What are you really getting out of this marriage?

 

Even before this you said the marriage was on the rocks with him being nasty and mean.

 

I believe tough love is needed here. He'll play off the affair and try to convince you that she is just a 'friend' and that nothing is going on. He'll have reasons for everything. That, or he'll get defensive and change the agrument into you checking into his cell phone. Trying to change the topic, etc..

 

He's acting like a teenager and you are his mother. He'll continue to disrespect you because you continue to keep rolling over & piddling.

 

At this point I would just confront him and then tell him to leave. That you want time to yourself and you are not going to put up with this anymore. You really need to make him face consequences here. Seems like you are more afraid than anything..

[smartgirl]

Don't doubt for a moment that he is cheating. One night I caught my H in a lie about talking on the cell phone. Next day I checked the cell phone records and saw hundreds of calls over previous 6 months to one number - called and got a recorded message - but I new. Then checked the credit card receipts and saw about $2-300 worth of restaurant charges.

 

I confronted him and he told me everything. Well, not everything. I didn't get the fact that they worked together till months later. It was on its way to being over so he was ready in a way to confess. It sounds like your H is still in the throes of the heat so he will be difficult to deal with.

 

I agree with other poster about tough love. Don't ask - tell him you know this for a fact and that you would be happy to come down to the office and discuss it as a threesome if he wishes. Otherwise, if you want this marriage demand the following:

counseling - weekly

you see all cell phone bills

he changes his cell phone number immediately and you see the bills

you see all credit card bills

no secrets and no going out after work

 

otherwise - tell him he has to leave. Those are your terms. Do not cave and be a dormat or he will continue to see her and play you. You must shake him out of this.

 

WS respond much better to a strong, confident woman than a weepy please dont leave me woman. Be strong. I KNOW how hard this is.

[Missy27]

Well, today I receive the cell phone bill. His previous comment bothered me so I decided to review the cell phone bill. There are over 75 text messages to one number that I don't recognize and that is suspicious because we don't know anyone in that area. There were also some calls to this number but very short. I check last months bill and there are about 20 text messages to this number and a few calls

.

 

Your H is having an affair. Problem is you have no proof, and until you have hard evidence, he's got you over a barrel.

 

The text messaging is probably the primary way in which your H and OW communicate their affair. There's a chance that OW is already married / in a relationship so text messaging is a "safer" route for contact.

 

Remember, your H will lie and lie and lie to protect himself and OW at the moment. He may lead you into the thinking that the OW is someone else to protect the identity of the real OW.

 

My advice to you at the moment is to basically keep your eyes wide open. You don't necessarily need to be obvious with your suspicions, but until you've got HARD CORE evidence of an affair that you can smack him between the eyes with, you're fighting a losing battle.

[overwhelmedmomof2]

Okay so how do I go about getting hard core evidence?

 

Checking his cell phone will be very difficult since he always has it with him and at night it is in his dresser drawer. I don't know the password to his email address. And I don't have money for a private investigator. (How much do those cost anyway?)

 

Any other ways I haven't thought of?

[whichwayisup]

You need to find out too if the OW is married. When D-Day comes, you can involve her husband and it's also a sure way of 100% exposing their affair and it'll be harder for them to sneak around once caught.

 

You need to install a keylogger on the computer.

 

I have no idea how much a PI costs, but you could ask a friend (someone your H doesn't know) to follow him and see where he goes after work, or if he says he's with buddies etc...

[outofdarkness]

I know he won't admit it. That is what has me confused about what to do. I can already imagine the excuses he'll say like we're just friends or co-workers. The phone calls are usually just a minute. And sometimes there are several calls in a row of just a minute.

 

He guards his cell phone. He usually keeps it in his dresser drawer and charges it at work. I would like to see the content of these text messages. I don't know his e-mail password. I have a feeling he usually uses his work e-mail to communicate with her because he won't ever leave his blackberry and is constantly checking it.

 

Hmm...should I just stay quiet and investigate or confront him? Thanks everyone for the advice you've already given me.

Yep..this has always confused me..OW's WHY are there so many calls of one minute and sometimes several in a row of one minute to one#?

[quankanne]

hire a detective, if you're able to afford one. That would give you third-party confirmation of what's going on.

 

frankly, I'd tail the bastard and catch him in the act – even if it's only at the mutual flirting stage – and fry his butt. Because that kind of behavior is not needed (or welcome) in a marriage ... *insert evil laugh* ... knowing me, I'd corner the both of them and screw with their minds ... ask if they want to set up a threesome ... ask her what she will give me to take him off my hands ... make him look like cheap piece of meat that can be bartered … them look like the idiots they are for hanky-pankying around.

 

but seriously, first ask yourself what you want from this man: to remain married? to create a stronger marriage? leave him? Then decide your course of action from there.

[outofdarkness]

And...work e mail has been a huge sore spot w/ myself and my H...There is nothing I can do to see who's calling and leaving voice mails at his work #. I did manage to get his pass code once when he accidentally left it under pwrds in his phone, but that was an accident on his part b/c he had just changed it...He never said anything to me, but had to have noticed someone was checking it, or he just changes it every so often. Anyway..I asked him several times if he would just give me the pass code if he had nothing to hide, and he became defensive and said I didn't need his pass code for work voice mail..RED FLAG!!!

 

Also, Re: The blackberry..This drives me nuts too. He used to guard it w/ his life as well as the cell, but now leaves them out in the open and on...since D day...He doesn't however, ever leave their side..They are his constant companions even on vacations. I wish I could burn the d--- things sometimes. BUT he DOES do alot of business with them while traveling....Just wanted you to know you're not alone, and as so many have told me including my H...If someone wants to cheat, they'll find a way, and the more secretive they have to be w/ their spouse, the more exciting they'll find it..It's a sick game...and we are part of it...

[AFarAwayPlace]

Welcome to LS, overwhelmedmomof2.

 

I see you've received some very good advice thus far.

 

Do you drive or have someone who can drive for you so you can possibly follow him one day and see what transpires? Or take a bus and do the spying yourself?

 

I think it would be worth it to catch him in the act, I definitely think he's cheating.

[RecoverMe]

hang in there , you are in for a rollercoaster ride. my heart goes out to you. i too discovered my h's affair via the cell phone. looking back i wish i had hired a private investigator immediately. he fessed up to everything eventually, ended it, and now we are closer, happier and working hard on our marriage. It is very hard. I had to ask myself if I really loved him enough or at all to go through the hell of discovery, confrontation, the devestating aftermath and the slow and steady road to recovery, which we are still traveling.

 

It sounds by your user name that you have kids, that complicates matters. try and keep as much from them (your emotions, potential fights w/ your h, etc.) If they ask you can tell them that you and daddy are having a disagreement and trying to work it out, that you love them and it has nothing to do w/ them, and that everthing will be fine. it helps to hear yourself say this, b/c you need to know that it will be fine.

 

If you can get his cell phone for just a few minutes and go into the other room while he is sleeping and look at the texts, i think you'll have some pretty hard evidence. but the other posters are right, he'll lie like the teenager and you will feel like the parent. You need to let him know that you won't live with him while he's cheating on you, so he can pack his bags or end it w/ the ow. be clear about your boundaries. and do some soul searching if you really want to preserve your marriage....it may be that is time to let it go. good luck

[whichwayisup]

Borrow money if need be. Not knowing 100% for sure wtf he's doing is going to drive you crazy. Borrow from a friend, someone in your family, or even do a bank loan.

[IpAncA]

Oh yeah I believe he's up to no good. He hides his phone in his dresser and it's password protected. There should be no reason to do that unless he's hiding something.

[Sheba]

I don't think you should have to drive all over hell's half acre or hire a PI. I think it is fair to say that:

 

- innocent people don't "password" protect or guard their phone

- innocent people don't have 75 unexplained texts on a single phone bill

- innocent people don't hide their phone in a drawer

- innocent people aren't talking to or texting a person they work with constantly outside of the office

 

In addition to all of that, I find his remark to you that if "you know something say so" very challenging. I interpret that as him saying "if you have some proof I am up to no good lets hear it". What else could it mean?

 

I am all for the concept of "innocent until proven guilty" but there is no innocent explanation for what you describe. And, getting a picture or otherwise catching him in a "moment" seems difficult, if not an outright ordeal. So, I would go with logic and the advice of all the posters before me.

 

I would confront him and tell him that I know he is having an affair. Don't play the "how do you know" game. Forget that. Tell him that he must end his relationship and provide you with proof that it is over and that he is committed to the marriage within X period of time, or you will consider your other options.

 

If he gets far enough to ask you what proof you will accept, tell him that you want his email password and his cell phone password, for starters. And, instantly, so you can check before he cleans things up. I am sure there are other demands that might reasonably be made - those LS members who have experience with this particular dilemma would have some good ideas, I am sure.

[boshemia]

You could use my Mom's trick. It worked pretty well for flushing out the truth. She found a girls phone number on a note, and a name. So she called the number pretending to be someone from work. She said they hadn't heard from him in a few days and they were getting worried, they just wanted to know if he was OK, he wasn't answering his phone and this number was found at his desk.

 

The girl said she had heard from him the previous day and he was fine. She identified herself as his fiance, and when my Mom said actually, this is his wife. The girl burst into tears. He had told her that he was married, but that his wife was in a mental institution and State law won't let you divorce a mentally incompetent person!

 

I don't know if it will work as well for you as it did for my mom, the two girls got together for a few drinks then went looking for him to have a talk. He was happy to see his fiance, not so happy to see who she brought with her.

[Carnebor]

If you're going to confront him, you may have done it by now.

 

If not, how about the following points for your conversation with him...which you MUST have ASAP.

 

1. H and W must agree that strong marriages live on trust. (It was said that all roads in Italy lead to Rome. All roads in marriage lead to trust.)

 

2. I don't trust you fully because your actions are not transparent. There are things I see that I don't understand. Please explain them to me. This is the chance you have to be totally honest with me and have me LISTEN to you. If you do not take advantage of it, things will be very COMPLICATED in our future should I come into any NEGATIVE information.

 

3. (If having heard him, things still don't ring true, you say...) I believe you are lying to me. For the sake of our marriage, we need help from someone who can help us work throught this.

 

You need to know that when trust is at issue, a third party is almost the best route to go. He needs to know that you REQUIRE him to go the distance toward resolution.

 

It does matter if he's cheating. You'll have a much harder road. You have enough at the moment, however, to call him on suspicious behavior. As a faithful husband, accountable to my wife, if I loose her trust...stop the truck, turn of the music, and roll up the windows...the world stops until I win her back.

[overwhelmedmomof2]

Thanks everyone for giving me such great advice.

 

I have not confronted him yet, but I will soon. The co-worker is a 21 or 22 year old woman and my husband is a 34 year old. They don't even work in the same department. What do they have to chat about several times a day, at night and on weekends? I am waiting because I want to see if he has any of these text messages still on his phone. While he was in the shower, I was able to look at the phone. I saw that he has 45 text messages. I quickly looked at the messages on the top and they were all from her sister, but I didn't get a chance to scroll down to see the rest.

 

I can't get into the blackberry because it is password protected. If I can't get into the phone, I will contront him and ask him to show me the text messages if they are so innocent. Also, I remembered that this woman gave him a key chain as a gift from her trip to Amsterdam...why is she buying him things? I didn't think anything about it before, but now that I see the extent of there communication it makes me wonder.

 

I confronted him about him about taking his wedding ring off and he became defensive and said he took the ring off because he was frustrated by things I said to him the night before. I told him that was a lame excuse. I get frustrated too, but I don't take off my wedding ring.

 

I called about a PI and they charge $795 for 8 hours of surveillance. I cannot afford that. I'm currently a stay at home mom of 2 and won't start working until June.

 

Thanks everyone for your support. I will keep you posted on what I find out.

[directx]

You know what you might want to try?

Get one of those voice recorders (or a few of them) that only record when noise happens. I'd hide one in his car and anywhere else you have access to that he might use for privacy.

 

Its very important you don't tip off that you are on to him. Even if you were suspicious and he saw your suspicion, back off and let him feel comfortable/safe.

 

Pay attention when he leaves and comes home.

WHen he comes home after a suspiocous 'outing', is he showered? (overly fresh smelling).

Check his underwear when he comes home from a suspicious 'outing'.

[outofdarkness]

Thanks everyone for giving me such great advice.

 

I have not confronted him yet, but I will soon. The co-worker is a 21 or 22 year old woman and my husband is a 34 year old. They don't even work in the same department. What do they have to chat about several times a day, at night and on weekends? I am waiting because I want to see if he has any of these text messages still on his phone. While he was in the shower, I was able to look at the phone. I saw that he has 45 text messages. I quickly looked at the messages on the top and they were all from her sister, but I didn't get a chance to scroll down to see the rest.

 

I can't get into the blackberry because it is password protected. If I can't get into the phone, I will contront him and ask him to show me the text messages if they are so innocent. Also, I remembered that this woman gave him a key chain as a gift from her trip to Amsterdam...why is she buying him things? I didn't think anything about it before, but now that I see the extent of there communication it makes me wonder.

 

I confronted him about him about taking his wedding ring off and he became defensive and said he took the ring off because he was frustrated by things I said to him the night before. I told him that was a lame excuse. I get frustrated too, but I don't take off my wedding ring.

 

I called about a PI and they charge $795 for 8 hours of surveillance. I cannot afford that. I'm currently a stay at home mom of 2 and won't start working until June.

 

Thanks everyone for your support. I will keep you posted on what I find out.

I never could figure out what in the world my H and his OW's were texting, chatting and talking about so many times during the day. I mean, I used to do that when I was a teen. Is this what it's like OW's?? Teen, sort of puppy love! I found page after page of all sorts of communication, mainly cell phone calls...For the life of me what in the world are you all; OW's and MM's talking about?? I'm really curious. Is is sex talk?