Ripples Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Ok, so I'm in a quandry. I think I know what the right thing is to do, but I need the LSer's advice and encouragement, please I've been a bit of a bitch recently. I split with my SO a few weeks ago but I've been accepting his phone calls, his flowers and I've even let him take me out to dinner twice. I've been treating this time as 'payback', getting what I can out of him on my terms without giving him anything back. (I'll clarify if needed.) At least that's what I've been telling myself. The truth be told I still want the miracle of him devoting himself to me, proving to me that he's learnt by his mistakes, will never make them again and I can safely fall into his arms and be wisked away into the sunset. Yeah, yeah, I know With my sensible head on, I know that I need to take care of myself, look after my own emotional needs as best I can and not expect him or anyone else to do it for me, right now. Part of that has entailed making myself available for dates and I've just started seeing someone - second date last night. This guy is very intelligent, great fun, down to earth and very generous. However, I don't really want to be with him that much... I'm still thinking a little about my ex.... I am thinking that the healthiest course of action is to actually have a period of time alone before starting out again. Time to get over my ex (G) and stop wanting the impossible from him. Time to adjust and be truly emotionally available for the next guy. The thing is, it's bloody difficult, I really want to see someone else inorder to take my mind off G for two reasons; firstly if I don't start seeing someone else I'm likely to give into G and enter the circle of dishonestly and deceit again, secondly to stop me thinking constantly of G, pining for him and 'what might have been'. I'm not sure how much this makes sense, I hope it does! So, I really need some help here. As always, any given will be gratefully received
Island Girl Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 You do need to take time. This other guy you went out with, do you think he deserves anything less than a girl who is focused on him? I think the answer is no. He has done nothing wrong - isn't that correct? And yet he, or any other guy right now, is in danger of having to pay for your exes mistakes. That is unfair. You need to be okay with being alone. It is then that you will be able to have a healthy relationship where you can keep your needs in perspective and still be able to offer another person true companionship without needy or insecure complications. You know this already. I sense it from the post and you stated as much. If you met a great guy and were ready, wouldn't it bother you if he had his ex-girlfriend in his head constantly while you were out together? Wouldn't you think you deserve a clean slate to work with?
Author Ripples Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 I guess I took it for granted that it was obvious I am not up for leading anyone on.
Island Girl Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 You are an attractive, intelligent, and sensitive girl. It is likely that a guy who has the opportunity to date you may venture to want a relationship. Even if you clearly state that you aren't looking for that many men, and women, still fall in love and hope the other person will too. And you may. Just keep your wits about you and your eyes open if you are going date before you are really ready.
DanielMadr Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I think with you ex you are looking for his total submission and anihilation, not his love or riding to sunset - its maybe a flashback what you wanted some time ago. You wouldnt be in doubt about your motives if you would like him to marry you. You can take your time and solve the dilemma inside your head. time always help. But I think a week could be enough especially if you have such a good catch waiting for you. Good luck
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 You shouldnt play games with people. Once your found out especially by the ex it may backfire on you. Thinking that he's doing all these things trying to get you back and your using him. Two wrongs dont make a right you know that. So tell him the truth and let him go. If not your just gonna end up ruining your life, his life, other guys life.
Author Ripples Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 I've obviously not explained myself adequately. I presumed that it was obvious that a. my ex knows I'm dating men now, b. I have stopped all contact with him (he still texts and calls, but I no longer respond) and c. that I have no intention of leading anyone on, or playing games. The man I have had two dates with (that means we have met for lunch once, dinner once and done nothing more sexual than a peck hello and goodbye), is aware that I am recently out of a relationship. I was merely looking for encouragement to stop thinking about the ex and hopefully ways in which to do this, a way of using CBT that I am unaware of, for instance. I was also hoping for advice on if it would be appropriate to date people with the understanding that I am not totally emotionally available yet, but hope to be.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Well than I mean what's the point of an ex-boyfriend still buying you flowers and whatnot, does he know that you are dating and is he dating someone else as well. I think that everyone needs downtime, maybe it's too soon to date anyone. Simply just go and be by yourself for a little while. You could do that right, clear your head.
Author Ripples Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Well than I mean what's the point of an ex-boyfriend still buying you flowers and whatnot, does he know that you are dating and is he dating someone else as well. As I said, yes, he knows I've seen someone else. I have no idea if he is as well. I'm sure the point of him buying me flowers etc. is to try to win me back. I think that everyone needs downtime, maybe it's too soon to date anyone. Simply just go and be by yourself for a little while. You could do that right, clear your head. Well, as I thought I'd explained (abet badly!), I need some help in finding the strength to do that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Then go do that. Just tell both men you need some time apart from them. They will understand. Also why is your ex persuing you? do you want him to persue you? Do you want to go back to him and do you love him enough to get back with him. I mean they say true strength comes from within. You got to find it within you to have that strength. I can't tell you how to do it. I've been through a lot of disappointments in my life. with everyone letting me down but I came to see I can only depend on myself. and just myself. So I've learned to cope and get strong. You need to do the same. I think a little time for yourself clears your cobwebs. lol.
Author Ripples Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 Ok, I've taken on board the main comments - have some time alone, don't play games - and I've made a decision. I'm going to email my ex and tell him I (we) need a month with absolutely no contact whatsoever. I'm going to say that I need the time to consider whether I would ever want a relationship with him again. After the month is up and if I feel I would be able to trust him again and if he still feels he loves me, then we can consider starting again. The relationship would have to be totally different though; complete transparency, access to everything (email, phone, house), meeting the other's friends of opposite sex. Treating each other as one would treat one's life partner, spouse. These are things he should take into account when considering the position over the next month. As for the other person I am seeing, I shall call him to say that I am not emotionally available to him yet and although I would still like to see him I don't expect him to not date other women. If it's appropriate I will also tell him the situation with my ex, however, after two dates and no sexual contact or implication that there will be sexual contact, I'm not prepared to do so until I have a better grip on my thoughts and emotions.
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