lovetoomuch2 Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 please help me here...somebody. i have been dating this guy for almost two years. i pay rent for a place but stay at his house every single night and have for a year and 1/2. he is in law enforcement and has to make "private calls"..it bothered me at first cuz it was weird to me..to leave the room when someone called..etc. he was pissed at me because it was "business" and he's "never done anything to make me not trust him"... well...i got over that until just before x'mas. he took a call and ran upstairs...he thought he was being quiet..but i heard his words. nothing was inappropriate..but there was giggling..etc. and then to end his call he says.."well, i've gotta go i'm getting ready to leave the house"..he wasn't leaving, he just got home from work. then a few days later..the same thing...but he says.."well, i'm gonna go..i've gotta hop in the shower"..then a giggle again..and he wasn't getting in the shower, he was coming downstair for dinner that i made for him. so i checked his phone when he wasn't looking and noticed the name of this person whom i didn't recognize. i even went as far as looking up the name of this person on the internet and boom..there's a picture of her and where she works...etc. and she lives in another state AND she's a married woman...whatever...so i let it go for awhile...then i notice that she calls him everyday (5 states away, mind you)...so now i'm wondering WTH. He was on his email every single night before bed which i found weird too. so i found his password and logged onto his email which i know is horribly wrong but i had to. well, i'm glad i did because he's been emailing her back and forth for six months. he calls her "sweetheart", princess...and says "pleasant dreams" before he goes to bed..etc. she emails him her sexual fantasies and what color of panties she's wearing and what his favorite colors are and he tells her... I am completely devastated. COMPLETELY. I can't tell him because I looked at his email which was WAY WRONG..and his phone. But I don't know what to do because this is killing me inside everyday...knowing this and looking at him..either wanting to cry or hate his guts. If the girl was beautiful it may be one thing..but she is SO ugly and that I don't understand. I'm a beauty queen compared to her. He is going to her state next month for a conference and I'm gonna go crazy..because I know he'll see her, cuz she's part of this..re: the emails...and he hasn't cheated yet.(physically)..but it sure sounds like he will. I want to anonymously tell her husband somehow and ruin her life like she has mine. what should i do..please help me. i'm desperate.
Not_That_Innocent Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 If you have gone as far as listen to listen to his calls and read his emails, the only thing to do now is confront him! Don't get me wrong, I'm not harping on you for doing those things. I'm just saying, you need to lay it on the line!
Author lovetoomuch2 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 I know that's what I need to do. I'm just so scared. Mostly because I thought I'd finally found the love of my life after a divorce and two serious relationships...and I hate the idea of being alone. I'm a fool for thinking those things...but I appreciate your feedback. I need to hear that to convince me that is what is right. I'm so in love with him that it kills me and to think he could do this to me. He is 15 years older and SO lucky to have me. I'm not being conceited...just realistic. I just can't fathom why he would do such a thing to me. Thank you for your feedback. It means a lot.
Till-Andy Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I'm so in love with him that it kills me and to think he could do this to me. But what does he really do to you? He has a cyber affair with cyber intimacy and cyber erotic issues. Why does that hurt you? Because you love him? Or because you hate the idea of being alone. Apparently you have been brought up with the knowledge and conviction that beauty is a good currency in a woman's life it not the best. And now life teaches you that there are other values too that count if you want to fascinate a guy. Ever asked him to guess what color of panties you are wearing? Ever told him your sexual fantasies? I bet not because that's why he looks for that in cyber space. I hasten to say that I find the fancies of this fellow a bit on the bizarre side, too. But nevertheless, did he ever promise you not to do so? He is not married to you, a free man that does not owe you anything. Not_that_inncocent has already told you what must be done immediately. The espionnage you carried on for a while not only is illegal but also the best means of driving him - any man - away. I wish you the best.
Frances Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 You have two years invested in this relationship, its not a long time. Get out now you still have your own place to go to. 15 years of an age gap is a bit too much in my opinion. Get someone nearer your age, you will have more in common. This guy is just taking what he can get. He is not interested in a long term commitment. He has no respect for marriage when he is messing with a MW. Relationships over the email and phone calls do a lot of damage, its not just harmless fun. He is not putting effort into your relationship, it does not mean that much to him. You do not trust him and without that it will just wither and die. Why wait for him to dump you? At least leave with your pride intact. Good luck
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Tell her husband. He needs to know what sort of a woman he is wasting his life on. Few things kill an affair like exposure. However... You'll have to understand though that doing it anonymously, though might not work. All the wife has to do is lie about it. Without proof, who do you expect he is going to want to believe? Honestly, I don't see much here that you cando. Even if you end the affair, it isn't going to end his cheating. He'll simply find someone else, and it will be all to easy. Cops have groupies. All he has to do is pick and choose. How do you think he met this woman from five states away? He is out there in cyberspace putting out the 'single and available' messages and women are picking up on them. You can run after this guy for the rest of your life putting out fires, and he is simply going to keep lighting them. Without being married, you don't have much of a bargaining chip here. People only stop cheating when it becomes clear that they stand to lose greatly unless they stop. What does he have to lose besides your relationship? There isn't alimony or child support to worry about. He won't lose his home. His job isn't in jeopardy. He won't lose his social status. All he has to lose is you, and it doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about that. Your best bet is to simply walk away, and be thankful that you won't be wasting any more of your life and future on this guy. But... I know you probably won't want to do that. If you want any chance at this ending, you have to try to force it to end. Print out the emails. When you get a chance, tell him you have something to talk to him about and then hand him the emails. Expect great anger. He will accuse you of invading his privacy, and all of that good stuff. All you have to do is keep repeating this: "This isn't about your privacy, and I will not discuss anything having to do with your privacy. This is about you cheating on me. Either this stops, or the relationship is over." You have to be very, very strong on this point. Do not under any circumstances let him make this an argument about his privacy. If he keeps bringing it back to that point, remind him that it isn't about his privacy, its about him cheating. If he is insistent, then tell him that you are leaving and if he wants to talk about his cheating and what he will do to stop it, then he can come talk to you about it. Otherwise, you will not discuss anything having to do with his "privacy". Leave if you have to. Even if you are afraid that if you walk out the door, you'll never see him again. The threat of the loss of your relationship is the only bargaining chip you have. If you fail to follow through on the threat, then you have already lost and he will continue to keep you around and continue to cheat on you as well.
Wibble Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 One of the worst things about being the "betrayed" half of an affair is the totally irrational control that the unfaithful person seems to be able to exert over you. Your posts reek of such control. Remember, he is more like a playground bully than a mature man at the moment, and the minute you confront him, he will fold. I have no doubt that he will bluff and bluster, try and turn it round on you and make YOU feel bad for "snooping" - you may even get some of the hackneyed lines about "respecting his privacy", but at the end of the day, he will only get angry IF he has something to hide. Also, take the tip about informing the OW and her spouse. The line "What is going on between you and my boyfriend, presumably your husband knows all about it" will send a shiver down her spine. If you are up to it, you may derive a perverse pleasure listening to her try and slither and squirm out of her situation. Either way round, TAKE CONTROL.
jmargel Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 He might not have physically cheated but he emotionally did. Which is worse, IMO. Sounds like he has a big ego and likes it stroked quite a bit. He has shown you nothing but disrespect and for some odd reason believes either through his line of work or something that he is untouchable. He's lied to you for way too long and you deserve alot better than what you believe you do. Though it may hurt it's time to give him the tough love that it will take to straighten his ass out. Good chance he was married before and good chance this is the reason why it failed. I would contact one of his ex-wives to see what really went on in his past marriage. Sorry that he has hurt you like this, don't let this affect your own self-worth. I would look up the 5 stages of grief to show you what you may be in for. This 'conference' in another state? Good chance there is no conference. He's just using that as an excuse to see her. Honestly I would just get your stuff together while he's at work and move back to your own place. This guy is an old dog and he's not going to change his ways unless he wants to by going to counseling, etc..
loggrad98 Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Am I the only one who finds it strange to be able to check out a name on the internet and come up with biographical information, including pictures? She must be a very public persona. I guess she could maintain a family web site or something, but it still seems weird. Just for fun I typed in several names of people I know and acquaintance into google. Some of them are very active on the internet and I know they have very extensive family and personal web pages and I drew a complete blank. No accusations here, just an observation...maybe you are simply paranoid.
Frances Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Am I the only one who finds it strange to be able to check out a name on the internet and come up with biographical information, including pictures? She must be a very public persona. I guess she could maintain a family web site or something, but it still seems weird. Just for fun I typed in several names of people I know and acquaintance into google. Some of them are very active on the internet and I know they have very extensive family and personal web pages and I drew a complete blank. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- It is amazing what you can find out about people on the internet. They do not have to be well known. If they have web sites you should have found them I put the name of the OW my h had an EA with. I came up with loads about her, I also put both their names in together and was able to find out some of the conferences they were both at. There where also group pictures they were both in.
Lezbean Posted April 27, 2007 Posted April 27, 2007 Am I the only one who finds it strange to be able to check out a name on the internet and come up with biographical information, including pictures? She must be a very public persona. I guess she could maintain a family web site or something, but it still seems weird. Just for fun I typed in several names of people I know and acquaintance into google. Some of them are very active on the internet and I know they have very extensive family and personal web pages and I drew a complete blank. No accusations here, just an observation...maybe you are simply paranoid. On MySpace.com all you need is an emails address and you can find almost anyone. And usually they have their pic posted.
Seen_It_All Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 Love2, something tells me this is a lifetime of scuzzy behavior on your BFs part. Cops are just notorious for being whores. I've known tons of them throughout my life and each and every ONE of them couldn't brag ENOUGH about their lowlife cheating behavior. This comes as no surprise at ALL to hear that your cop boyfriend is acting like this. I've also fought off MY share of them hitting on ME while their wives were home over the years. It's so typical it's actually cliche. Blech. Who the he*ll needs it. Stop feeling so 'bad' for finally being driven to seek the TRUTH by looking in his phone and email. This guy has lied to you and gas-lighted you and manipulated you for so da*mned LONG that he eventually drove you to it. Looking in his stuff is the LEAST of your problems, trust me. As someone else said, the guy's an old DOG and he ain't gonna change. That much you can pretty much bank on. These cops seem to have an INCREDIBLE sense of self-entitlement - much more than the average cheating horndog. It doesn't matter that this woman is a truckstop ditch-pig and that you're prettier. This isn't ABOUT you. It's about HIM constantly looking to stroke his pathetic, never-satisfied EGO like most of them do. And you know what? It's NEVER enough for them. Never. This woman is probably just one of MANY in a long string of them that are to come. The best thing you could do for yourself is leave this guy and meet someone with integrity.
analeah Posted April 28, 2007 Posted April 28, 2007 I have a few thoughts on this. I went through a very similar situation with my boyfriend of (then) 6 months. We are still together and have been for the last year and a month. Six months into our relationship, my boyfriend left usa for one week to open a restauraunt in puerto rico and while there, he and a puerto rican model began to flirt. Nothing serious happened, but when he got back, he continued to flirt with her via email, phone calls, etc. This went on for about three months. He told her "I want to be with you in a dark room where you will be uninhibited and can do what you like with me", "You're beautiful", etc. One day he left his email logged in, and (since I use the same email client) I stumbled into his email. I innocently wondered...who is jessica...and so I found out. I ended up going through all his emails and online chats with her (which alluded to additional phone calls), and was, of course, devastated, shocked and upset. When he came home, I confronted him with what I found. I was very timid to reveal how I found out, but I didn't really have a choice if I wanted to prove my case. He was angry that I looked through his email, but it was completely overshadowed by the fact of what he had done. For him, this was an ego boost. From what I gather, he had no intentions of ever doing anything with her, but he liked being liked and given attention. Once he saw how much this hurt me, he broke down and cried (the only time I"d ever seen him do this), saying he would never have done this if he knew how badly it would hurt me. I asked him to stop all contact with her which he did immediately, no questions asked. He also said I could check his email if I wished - but I declined. The trust recovery from this has been quite difficult, but he's given me every detail I've requested (which hasn't been many, since I don't want to cause myself any unnecessary pain). I've cried about it several other times several months after, and he's been completely understanding - letting me cry, apologizing and holding me, assuring me nothing like this will ever happen again. I think I have something special with my boyfriend, so I was willing to give us a chance to see if our trust could be repaired, and it seems well on the way there. It seems like you need to honestly evaluate your relationship and its long-term potential. If you decide to confront him and rebuild your trust, let him know how you found out - everything. I believe this is crucial to rebuilding trust. A lot of what happens from this point will depend on his reaction. If you can make him understand how hurt you are, and make a recommitment to your relationship you have something to work with. A few things that helped me when I was going to approach my bf: - remaining calm - this sounds silly, but I actually got dressed nice, did my hair and makeup, etc before I spoke to him, and got him a drink when he got home because it made me feel like I was showing him what he was missing out on, and in a way made me feel more confident. - I focused on solving the situation for long term results - I wanted to make sure that this wouldn't happen again, and had him answer, "If we stay together, what assurances do I have that this won't happen again?" - I broached the situation like I wasn't sure if we were going to stay together... "if we stay together", etc. Best of luck to you -Ana
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