funkify Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I'm trying to get over a guy who in a short time, I developed strong feelings for. He was great, we were great...but I know I romanticised it in my head as well because if he was that fantastic he wouldn't have been sleeping with other women as well! I found this out just after we broke up and he moved to another country. I decided to confront him about it and he tried to say anything either to avoid the conversation altogether or to make it out like it was my fault. According to his friends, he does this all the time; puts himself first then when he does something to hurt someone he makes them believe it was their own fault. So I just told him we'll put it behind us. I spoke to an ex-friend of his who made me realise what a doormat I was to him. I instantly forgave a man who cheated on me after I cared for him so much. But the worst thing is, I still wish he would love me back. I get jealous when I find out he's picked up women since me because I wish it were me. He called me up last week basically wanting some comfort about an issue (he has no close friends left in his home country) and I still acted like the unconditionally caring friend. Am I ridiculous? Why do I still think he is better than me? I am worried about the effect this will have on my self-esteem. It can't be good to just forgive and forget that easy, and then believe I brought on the cheating myself.
melodymatters Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Hallie berry got cheated on, reese witherspoon, uma thurman etc Those were just a few who came to mind, but cheating is a reflection on the cheaters insecurity and character, and has nothing to do with your inherent worth. I know it feels sucky right now, but at least he's out of the country and you don't have to keep running into him and his new gals ! good luck !
Trialbyfire Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Many cheaters are narcissistic personality types. Don't allow their sense of disproportionate entitlement and lack of caring for others devalue your own sense of worth. YOU are the one who hasn't cheated. YOU deserve recognition for being mature enough to resist temptation. While I'm still friends with my exes, the last one was a cheater, who I'm not friends with. Don't let that selfish man suck you back in with his neediness. I made that mistake and now I'm working with major anger at myself for letting it happen and him for being the selfish arsehole that only he can be... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, am I retarded?
Author funkify Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 The reason why he believes he didn't do anything wrong was because we were only dating for a few months and didn't say anything about exclusivity (although I thought it was implied that we were exclusive). He didn't even give me a hint he was sleeping with other women. We did get quite serious 'dating' even though we weren't officially together. We met each other's family and close friends often. He knew how much I cared for him and that I wasn't seeing anyone else. I believe this is why he should've not been with anyone else, because I cared and respected him enough to only see him, he should've done the same with me. What does everyone else think? Many cheaters are narcissistic personality types. Don't allow their sense of disproportionate entitlement and lack of caring for others devalue your own sense of worth. YOU are the one who hasn't cheated. YOU deserve recognition for being mature enough to resist temptation. While I'm still friends with my exes, the last one was a cheater, who I'm not friends with. Don't let that selfish man suck you back in with his neediness. I made that mistake and now I'm working with major anger at myself for letting it happen and him for being the selfish arsehole that only he can be... Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, am I retarded?
nittygritty Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 It makes ya wonder how many women he needs? I may have missed this detail in your post but I'm curious as to how you found out he had slept with other women? If you found out from someone else, if he confessed it when you took him on a "fishing expedition" or if he just volunteered the information without you asking? Not that it makes knowing any less painful, it just gives a clearer picture as to his character. I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks, I've been there. Definite self esteem zapper. It sounds like you still have a lot of feelings for him other than just of the friendship nature. If that is the case than it is going to be painful for you to just be playing the part of a supportive friend from afar, right now. The distance of another country isn't going to be far enough to protect you from the feelings of betrayal and uncertainty you might be experiencing. I would recommend a loooong period of NC to give you a better perspective of the situation. I don't know if there is a chance that he will be moving back to this country or ever just visiting but I don't recommend you risk further confusion as to the nature of the relationship if the opportunity for reuniting should occur. Especially, if he is just coming to town for a visit. You don't want to get strung along. Or be added to his worldwide harem. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were genuine in your feelings. Monogamy is a virtue, not a flaw. Prior to his mental lowblow job you were secure in yourself. It will return again if you don't let him do it again. Also, having a boyfriend/lover leave you can stir up abandonment issues, at least it did for me. The move away itself made me feel like I was not good enough for him for some reason. After I realized he really wasn't ever coming back, permanantly, I mean. I don't want to talk to him anymore. Looking back, I feel like he was probably just using me for whatever he was needing at the time. Whether it was sex, love or just a friend there was a repeated pattern of me being discarded at the end. Until the next time he needed a pick me up.
Author funkify Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 It makes ya wonder how many women he needs? I may have missed this detail in your post but I'm curious as to how you found out he had slept with other women? If you found out from someone else, if he confessed it when you took him on a "fishing expedition" or if he just volunteered the information without you asking? Not that it makes knowing any less painful, it just gives a clearer picture as to his character. Yes, I does make me wonder how many women he needs. I think he's just wanting to have some fun, especially being young and in a new country he must be making the most of it! He does have the looks and personality to attract many women. I'm glad I was the only one he was 'dating' at the time but it still doesn't stop making me feel used that I was his 'temporary girlfriend' while he was getting sex elsewhere as well. Just after he left, I had a conversation with a friend of his and the confession came out. When I confronted him about it (on the phone) he seemed annoyed as to why I was making such a big deal about it, like it wasn't even my business to know if he was sleeping with other women or not. He didn't feel there was any need to discuss it let alone blame him for anything. What do you think this says about his character? I'm so confused, I'm caught between thinking that yes it was my fault because he never said we were official and maybe I jumped to conclusions. Or is he just trying to put the blame on me like he's done to many of his friends?
nittygritty Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I think it sounds like he was a bit of a player. Or maybe he was just keeping his options open in the beginning. Either because he wasn't sure about his feelings for you yet or to prevent feelings from developing if he knew he might be leaving. There are many possibilities as to why. I don't think it is an abnormal reaction for him to get annoyed with being questioned. I mean, he also was finding out his friend had ratted him out and I would imagine being caught off guard, he probably was mad at his friend for telling and you confronting him as to why he slept with other women before you all became semi serious. He could have tried to lie about it so I guess that is somewhat of an indicator as to his character. But then again he may have put a ziplock on the subject because he was unsure of how much and exactly what all his friend may have told you and needed to speak to the guy so he could get his "story" straight. I know hindsight is 20/20 but at least you will know the next time to ask before you sleep with someone, whether the relationship will be exclusive or not. It doesn't really matter what his motives for doing it were unless you are trying to get back together with him. If that is the case than you need to think about what that is going to be like, when you don't trust him anymore.
Icantletgo Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 OMG. your ex sounds like my ex. cheated on me, i found out, and he still convinced me that we should be friends. I bought into it for about 3 months. THREE LONG HARD MONTHS. I was completely completely sad/depressed. When i was with him I still loved him and was happy but once he was at home or out w/ his friends I would become paranoid that he'll meet someone else. THey are using us and they will continue to if you don't say STOP and no. I started NC 6 days ago and I feel soo much lighter. For your own sake you need to move on. He's manipulative but you need to hold your own and be strong.
bendit Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 YOU deserve a better BF than one who cheats on you. Now start Believing it. regards
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