Hard situation

[Guest]

Hey everyone! Im new here, and am looking for some advice. Warning, this is going to be long, but its the only way to get the whole situation explained...

 

I, until a month ago was living with my fiance. We have been together over 3 years, living together 2 of those years and engaged 1 and 1/2. In the beginning of our relationship I was completely uninterested in being serious with him. HE pursued me so strongly that I really couldnt refuse. We could talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I knew that he was so in love with me that I was all he wanted. He was also very honest with me about his past relationships.....the multitude of them. For me, hes the first person ive been with completely. He was also very honest with me about the fact that he had cheated on past girlfriends. After a few months, I moved and we carried on a long distance relationship for quite a few months....we would visit one another once a month. He eventually moved to the state I was living in and we moved in together. That is the point when everything started to fall apart. Not because we couldnt stand living together, but because I found out hed given me HPV. It freaked me out so badly that I stopped having sex with him for a period of time. This in turn made him feel really bad, so that at the point when I was ready to be physical he was largely uninterested. He would keep things like the fact that he would watch porn from me because it would upset me that hed choose that over me. This is when things really started to fall apart. It wasnt that we both didnt care about each other, but my insecurities and his secrets....there was no trust. After a while of this, I became more and more of a control freak....not trusting him and needing to know every detail of where he was going and what he was doing. (Just as a side note, in addition to that, he was having trouble because he was having to deal with MUCH more responsiblity than hed ever had to before. He went from living with his mom to living with me, and he also felt like hed missed out on being on his own). All this added up and last May he abruptly told me that he was moving back to where he was originally from. He said that he wanted to still be together, but that he just needed some time on his own. I asked if he planned to be with anyone else and he denied this vigorously. After about a month up here, I hacked into his email and found hed been talking to numerous ex-girlfriends and other girls. Nothing horrendous, but definitely some very unacceptable stuff. I confronted him about it and at first he told me "this is my time apart, I can do whatever I want blah blah blah", but denied anything was going on with any other girls. Later he called back and apologized for being a hothead. Things continued in this manner for a few months. We still talked every day multiple times a day and I came to visit him several times. But I never got over the trust issues id developed from seeing how he spoke to those other girls, especially when hed told me he wouldnt do that. After probably, 4 months he told me that he was miserable without me and that he wanted me to move to where he was and move back in with him. I was at a point where I wanted this too, I asked him several times if he was sure that he was ready and he said he was. I moved up here and we moved in together. Things were going good, I still had issues with other girls and trusting him, but he seemed to be doing things to build my trust. In the past few months we'd been seriously talking about getting married and buying a house together. Then, abruptly, he came home one night and told me that he loved me more than anything in the whole world and wanted to marry me, but that he just couldnt until he was honest with me. He admitted that in our time "apart" he had slept with 4 girls...well 3, and done other assorted things with the 4th. He told me that after he had slept with each one he had felt horrible, knew it was a mistake and hadnt spoken to them since. He only slept with each one once. He told me that there had been no dating involved...no feelings. That he truly wasnt even really attracted to any of them. Theyd just been there and were easy, so he did it. I was so upset, but in my heart, id already known that he had. I told him that it would take time but that I was willing to try to work things out with him. He was absolutely shocked at this, but seemed happy. The next morning, he got up and told me that he felt like he didnt deserve me that he had done so many bad things to me and that he didnt think I would ever be able to trust him again. He then went on to say that he still feels like he isnt responsible for himself and that he needs to learn how to take care of himself and make good decisions on his own. He said that he cant be with me until he knows that he wont hurt me again. I was absolutely devastated. So, now my dilemma is.....we are still living together. We still hang out ALL the time. We still say I love you. We still hug and we still cuddle at night. We are not however physical with each other past those things. He has promised me that he will not date, or be involved in any way with any other girls, at least while we are living together and that after that time, he does not "wish to or plan on" it. The main thing that has changed besides not being physical is that he will go out on his own to like work out more, just little things like that. And in some ways hes being more responsible with his money and his decisions now than before. Also, he is trying really hard to be respectful of my feelings. Unfortunately 3 of the girls he was with run in the same circles as we do. So, I have to see them occassionally. He has changed things to where he will not be around any of them if I am not there...and he tries not to be around them at all. But it is unaviodable at times. He tells me still that im the best thing to ever happen to him and that he wishes we could have a healthy relationship, but that right now it just wont work. He says that I need time to heal what hes done to me and that he needs still to do things for himself.

 

I guess my question is, how do I take all of that???? Do I continue to work on mending a friendship with him knowing that I may get my feelings hurt again? Do I keep hold of hope that he will straighten himself out and we can work out?? Bottomline, will he ever grow up? Any advice is welcome!! And for those of you who made it through my whole long story, thanks for sticking in there!

 

K