Wibble Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I have been a “Guest” on this forum for over a year now, but have registered to get some advice from people who are obviously far wiser and more experienced than myself In brief, 18 months ago I discovered my wife had been having an affair for the previous 2 ½ years with a former co-worker. We had been married for 18 years and have 3 children. It was, I now know, a “typical” affair –“soul mates”, “he loves me more than his wife”, “I have done nothing wrong” – all the usual guff. And of course my reaction was typical, total emotional breakdown, utter disbelief and complete devastation. Well, following complete revelation by myself and his wife, the affair ended very messily, with lots of lies and accusations being thrown around, and the “recovery” began Again it was a fairly typical reaction by my wife – denial, anger, sorrow, reconciliation. She is now a different woman, she pulls her weight in the house, actually keeps me informed about things going on, and is generally nice to live with Which brings me to my question. Will my regular bouts of anger dissipate with time? I am aware that it is part of the “grieving” process, but I continue to suffer prolonged periods of rage –not the blubbering,total collapse sort, but the cold, steely fury that makes me withdrawn and remote. I can’t get over the totality of the betrayal. My wife is an intelligent and resourceful woman, and she used all her intelligence, over 2 1/2 years, to exploit my trust and confidence in her to completely betray me and undermine our marriage. Our children, our bed and some of our “friends” were part of her deception. Whilst I believe she genuinely regrets what she has done, the fact remains that it has been done, and I cannot help but think that either she, or I, are totally naïve to think that a relationship can ever be rebuilt after such an episode. I say this in light of the fact that she has steadfastly refused to go to counselling, has never “come clean” about exactly what she did do ( I had to find video evidence of him in our bed before she would admit it), and they had a “fling” (his words) when they worked together 17 years ago.[/ My periodic feelings of anger about this are inevitably souring our fledgling recovery. I am sure she looks at me and thinks “No wonder I had an affair”, and I look at her and think “Why bother, she isn’t worth it”. A sad state of affairs So come on, you wise heads out there. Will I “get better” and live happily ever after? Or is it just another thing I am going to have to learn to cope with? Thoughts please.
Frances Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Again it was a fairly typical reaction by my wife – denial, anger, sorrow, reconciliation. She is now a different woman, she pulls her weight in the house, actually keeps me informed about things going on, and is generally nice to live with Which brings me to my question. Will my regular bouts of anger dissipate with time? I am aware that it is part of the “grieving” process, but I continue to suffer prolonged periods of rage –not the blubbering,total collapse sort, but the cold, steely fury that makes me withdrawn and remote. I can’t get over the totality of the betrayal. My periodic feelings of anger about this are inevitably souring our fledgling recovery. I am sure she looks at me and thinks “No wonder I had an affair”, and I look at her and think “Why bother, she isn’t worth it”. A sad state of affairs is it just another thing I am going to have to learn to cope with? Thoughts please. I am not able to give any advice except to say that this sounds exactly how I feel. I found out 9 months ago about my h EA of 11 years. I seem to go from one mood to the next all in the space of minutes let alone days. Perhaps it is part of the grieving process. We can not expect things to return to what they where before the affair. It will be different, maybe not better, JUST DIFFERENT. What we make of this difference is up to us. We also need to think "what are we prepared to put up with to keep the relationship" I am sorry you are going through this.
Trimmer Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Just to clarify, then, the "fling" she had with this same OM was within the first few years after you married? In some ways, I might not be a good person to give advice on repairing your marriage, as my marriage has ended. Although my wife claimed it was unrelated, our marriage ended with a final decision from her a year or so after she started a relationship with the OM who now remains in her life, so you do the math... She also had a short affair about 10 years earlier in our 13 year marriage (not the same OM), and perhaps that's the one to focus on. After that "first one," we decided to stay together - I don't really think she had any strong intention to leave, and I sure didn't want to. We understood that it would be hard, but we moved forward. Unfortunately, we dealt with it by not dealing with it, and I now believe that to have been a mistake. She's not a big "talker", and pretty much just wanted to treat it as history. What's done is done, we can't change that, and so let's just move forward. Well, I think the root problem was not the affair - the root problem was conditions in our marriage that left her able to have the affair. Don't misunderstand - there wasn't anything obviously wrong with our marriage, no hairy arguments, no thrown plates; to the contrary, I was convinced we were doing great and I was deeply and firmly committed to a life with this woman, but I now believe we were suffering a lack of something I still can't describe. And by not addressing that - a true problem of intimacy, or unmet needs, or whatever was the underlying pathology or deficit between us - we allowed it to continue on right as it had been all along. And although it got stored away for a while - hey we made it another 10 years, had a lot of fun and now have 2 great kids for whom I will be eternally grateful - it eventually came back to bite us. Or if I'm feeling particularly self-absorbed in a given moment, it came back bite me. So you really have a couple of issues going on here. You have the general question of "can it be rebuilt", and then another question of how your anger will evolve and how you will handle it over time. I cannot help but think that either she, or I, are totally naïve to think that a relationship can ever be rebuilt after such an episode. I think in some ways you are further along than I ever was, because I thought (foolishly, I now believe) that we would just clear the decks, wipe the slate, and go back to the relationship we had. At least you seem to understand that you need rebuilding. Unfortunately, the rebuilding of the marriage is not something I think you can do by yourself. It does not give me a good feeling that she "steadfastly refuses" to go to counseling. Frankly, that makes me sad. It sounds like she just wants to close that chapter and move on like it didn't happen. I try not to generalize directly from my experience to everyone else, but it's unfortunate that she is not willing to get more affirmatively engaged in the recovery process. Your anger as an obstacle.... Yes, that certainly makes things more difficult, too. You totally deserve your anger. I understand the devastation, the sense of having your world tilted on its end, and not being able to shake the dizzy spinning, to make sense of it. And if she's like my wife was, she doesn't really have any good explanation, nor does she give any indication that she is struggling or trying to figure it out herself. "What were you thinking?" I asked. "I don't know; I wasn't thinking." God, that frustrated and angered me... On the other hand, as you point out, your anger and her guilt are a self-supporting destructive loop. Your anger, while well-deserved and understandable, makes her uncomfortable and guilty. She deals with her discomfort and guilt through withdrawl instead of opening up, which again quite understandably makes you angry. It's a bad spiral. Here's where I'll make a pitch for individual counseling. While I asserted that you will not be able to rebuild your marriage by yourself, I think you can - and should - do some work on your own life by yourself. This has a couple of benefits. It may be somewhat of a wake-up call to your wife that you are taking this step without her. It may not completely answer your questions about your wife, what happened, and everything, but it may help you to deal with your anger and frustration, and put them in a proper, more healthy place in your life. I am SO thankful that I started counseling and decided to really make a commitment to the process, and to go in with an open mind. Your mileage may vary, but I knew that I needed something to deal with my significant anger (you know what I'm talking about here...), and additionally, I was also able to accept and feel and release significant grief and loss that I otherwise would probably have just stuffed away inside to fester and eat away at me. I can imagine I might have been a really bitter, angry guy by now, but I knew I didn't want that to happen. For me, the two notable benefits have been in just getting myself grounded, and for the sake of our children (now 8 and 10 years old) being able to maintain a healthy relationship with my ex-wife as co-parent. And as a by-product of that, I feel like I have really gone through some significant growth as an individual. (Incidentally, how old are your kids?) So whether or not your wife chooses to engage in some counseling, or to whatever degree she becomes enthusiastically involved in rebuilding your marriage, I think that individual counseling could be of great benefit to you, personally, in your journey forward. I can’t get over the totality of the betrayal. I know, I know, I know. The sudden blurring of the vision you had of your future. The anger, the betrayal, the grief, the loss, and the depth to which these toxins burn you to your core. All I can think of is to say I hear you, I understand.
Author Wibble Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Thanks for the replies so far. I know I am not the only person to go through this angst, but it feels so personal to each and every one of us that it is difficult to accept that other people have suffered as we do. The knowledge that others have makes this forum a very supportive place to be. To add a bit of flesh to the bones - we have 3 kids, aged 15, 13 and 9. Yes, the first "fling" happened about 3 years after we were married, and I only found out about it during the incredibly ugly ending of the recent affair. At the time (1990) I was in the military and heavily involved in what we must now call Gulf War 1. I got so angry at the way I was being treated that I actually left to go to war telling her to be out of the house when I returned. This must have shaken her up, because her phone messages followed me round the Gulf for the next 2 weeks. We made it up, had our first child in 1992, and I wonder if we have been hiding our underlying problems behind the kids ever since. Certainly she gives no indication that she has an inkling of the feelings I have about re-committing to a relationship that has caused me so much pain. Her affair is "ancient history" to her, and she even claims to know exactly how it feels because her boyfriend of 2 years dumped her after they moved in together when she was 18! This is the parallel for a marriage of 18 years!! My greatest worry is that I will make (another) compromise to keep the peace, keep the family together and appear an all round forgiving guy. In the future I will then either,a) persaude myself I am happy, get fully committed and get hurt all over again, or,b) let the anger and resentment fester inside until the marriage falls apart through apathy and neglect. Option c, that I re-discover a happy and fulfilling relationship with my wife, seems further away than ever. As you can tell I am having a bad day! Anyway, I have booked an individual MC session this weekend. I feel I can leave no stone unturned.
Guest Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I'm afraid I don't have any helpful advice since I'm in the same boat. Wife of 19 years had an emotional affair about 7 years ago, after that ended began drinking execssively, had a DUI last summer and went to rehab. After rehab she had an affair with someone she met there. That was in October and she has been working on breaking away from the OP ever since. We both are in counseling and have seen a marriage counselor. We stopped marriage counseling because she was continuing the contact and occasionally see the OP. We have been getting along much better recently and have talked about going back to the marriage counselor since there has been NC with OP for about a month. I too find myself falling into the "rage" zone however periodically. It comes from my thinking about what has happened over the years. The fact that I have to observe her "greiving" over the OP, the fact that there is someone she needs to get "over". The fact that she is an alcoholic who made my life and our three kids lives hell for the better part of 7 years. The fact that I feel as though I am no longer attractive to her (I take care of myself and work out 5-6 days a week so its not a situation where Ive let myself go). The fact that she completely disrespected me and our marriage. The fact that she had an emotional affair and a physical affair and wonder if I'll ever be able to trust her again (the answer here is clearly no right now). These thoughts run through my head constantly and bring me to the point of wanting to put my fist through a wall. As I mentioned, I do see a counselor which helps but I continue to wonder if trying to keep this together is really worth it. I cannot accept being the man that she decided to stay with because it was the right thing to do. I want to be the man she realized she wanted because she is crazy about me like I am crazy about her. As far as when these feelings of anger and rage will go away, I suppose the answer is time. However being in the time of my life where we should be in a deep and mature relationship where we are enjoying each other, our kids, and building our future for retirement, it seems like we're missing out on so much waiting for the wounds to heal. The scars will be there forever.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Yes... I do think that prolonged anger/rage can destroy your chances at recovery. The WS "moves on" because they have to. They don't have the option of leaving themselves. Wherever they go, there they are... living in their own skin. I think in alot of ways, it's having a choice and being uncertain if they've made the right one, that torments the betrayed spouse. Here's a thread for you to read from a former poster who dealt with alot of the same feelings. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ Remember... it's YOUR choice if you want to opt for reconciliation or divorce. Whichever way you decide though, honor that choice and bring the appropriate energy to it. Otherwise, you just end up living with apathy.
Bryanp Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I really feel sorry for you. This was her second affair and it lasted for 2 1/2 years. This is a long time to be screwing another man behind your back. In addition, she clearly showed she had absolutely total disrespect for you by having sex with this guy in your own bed. What a classless act and you found out about this only because she made a videotape of it and you find it. So for 2 1/2 years she has made a mockery of your marriage and put your health at great risk and had no problem bringing her lover into your home and into your own bed. My friend if the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with this humiliation and distain from you? She has treated you like garbage. Knowing this has gone on for so long and in your home makes me wonder why are you staying with her? I know you have 3 children but really it sounds like she is now staying with you because the OM did not want her and she is afraid of losing her lifestyle. You have a right to be very angry. How could you possibly feel good about being married to a woman who could do such a thing to you? Clearly she has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Again it was a fairly Which brings me to my question. Will my regular bouts of anger dissipate with time? Well for me it hasn't been quite a year...but my answer would be...probably not. There will always be a time where you will think about what she did and get angry...VERY angry. What you do with the anger is up to you....in my case...when I feel myself getting angry, I go to the gym. Funny thing is, she gets mad for two reasons....one, she wants to know where I am going at the spur of the moment and I tell her, "I'm going to work out"...she gets mad and says things like..."oh thats nice, just up and leave"...then when I explain to her that I am thinking about what she did and need to leave the house for a bit...she shuts up. The second reason she gets mad is she doesn't want me to look too good. She is afraid I am going to do to her what she did to me...cheat. I have to explain to her over and over that I don't do that and not to project her bad character on me. I am aware that it is part of the “grieving” process, but I continue to suffer prolonged periods of rage –not the blubbering,total collapse sort, but the cold, steely fury that makes me withdrawn and remote. Believe me buddy...I understand it...FULLY! The one thing you need to do is to do things for yourself. If you were like me, you did everything for everyone EXCEPT yourself. You probably held her needs and wants ahead of your own. Those days are over. You need to think about yourself for a change. You might try working out hard when you get this anger built up. Not only is it a healthy way to dissipate your anger, its a great motivator! And you'll look and feel better about yourself. Our children, our bed and some of our “friends” were part of her deception. Then those "friends" would no longer be allowed in my house if I were you. They would cease to be my friends...because really, if they were part of it and never told you...then they are not your friends. And your kids were part of the betrayal? You mean they knew about it and didn't tell you, their father?? I say this in light of the fact that she has steadfastly refused to go to counselling, has never “come clean” about exactly what she did do ( I had to find video evidence of him in our bed before she would admit it), You taped it??? Oh man...that had to be hard to watch. What did she do when you presented her the evidence? And I would burn that mattress. My periodic feelings of anger about this are inevitably souring our fledgling recovery. I am sure she looks at me and thinks “No wonder I had an affair”, Ya..whatever. She cheats on you, causes you this pain and heartache, but would be surprised that you are angry? If that is the case, then she is worthless. So come on, you wise heads out there. Will I “get better” and live happily ever after? Or is it just another thing I am going to have to learn to cope with? Thoughts please. Well...like I said...I'm still fresh within a year of learning...but my guess...happily ever after?....no. If you are staying with her for whatever reason...the kids...the hope of being happy...I'm afraid that you are just going to have to learn to cope. Thats why I have decided to do things for myself and look out for #1 for a change after looking out for everyone but me for all these years. I still would do everything for my children, but now, MY needs are tantamount. So start thinking of things that make you happy and DO THEM! Get a membership at the gym, get with friends and play cards every other week, go fishing....whatever it is you like to do...DO IT. She will have no right to complain. Afterall...she did what she wanted to do and it was a complete and total betrayal of you. But I'm still curious about what you said about the kids being in on the betrayal...could you explain? I'd understand if you don't want to drag them into it though.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 My greatest worry is that I will make (another) compromise to keep the peace, keep the family together and appear an all round forgiving guy. In the future I will then either,a) persaude myself I am happy, get fully committed and get hurt all over again And since she cheated on you twice, that is a possibility. If you let your guard down and go back to being a forgiving guy, she might get the idea that you are a pushover and even if she gets caught in another affair, she can get away with it. So if you are forgiving and trying to work things out, thats great...but don't EVER let your guard down. If there are times where things just don't seem right...you need to question her on it. If she or anyone else calls that controlling...well, tough....she gave you PLENTY of reasons to question things. Example...I don't ask my wife where she goes constantly..and really...I don't care. But once she strolled in past midnight...and I know she was actually over at her mom and dad's having a few drinks and shooting the bull with them and their friends...but strolling in late after she was found out to be a cheater is totally unacceptable. So I told her if she ever stays out that late again, she will be locked out of the house. She told me..."what, am i a child and have a curfew now?" I told her she never did and it never bothered me that she went out with friends....until she f#cked all of that up. Now, if she wants to keep the family together, then I expect her to act like a wife, and not a stray dog in heat. Now all of this is only when she does things that are not what one would expect as a so-called "recovering" cheater to do...coming in late...etc. And it has only happened once...but she understands that if I cheated on her and came in after midnight...she'd be furious...so once she thought about it, she understood. But make no mistake...I am not going to kid myself about her saying she understood. I accept her acknowledgement of her actions..but I don't let it come out as a sign of weakness on my part. She knows she got a 2nd chance and I won't take any shi!t from here on out. But this is just my story...you have to decide what to do yourself. I dunno...your wife cheated on you a 2nd time after you caught her the first time....something tells me she will never get over wanting other men...not saying this to get you fired up...but sounds like she is a serial cheater.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Wibble, No doubt the anger is the most personally debilitating of all of the grief stages. I would rather be curled in a ball barely breathing than feeling like I could spontaneously combust at any moment. It all does take time and it is so very difficult when a spouse expects you to sweep it under the carpet and "deal with it yourself" so that they do not have to face the responsibility of what they have done to someone that they love/d. You can hurt but they shouldn't have to. In my own experience the anger is eventually dampened when a) you find acceptance, b) you let go of the pain of betrayal (actually the pain can become a cycle and some sort of self punishment) and c) ownership of your decision - whether it is to stay or leave. You learn to act (actions that are in your best interest) instead of react (to their attitudes or actions). Unfortunately, when a spouse betrays you, they will never regain that initial unadultrated love and respect that they once had from you. Much of my anger comes from the fact that I LOVED FEELING THAT WAY ABOUT MY H. That has been taken away from me, and personally his actions show me that he could care less. I care though, I want to love like that, that is what life is all about. What LJ, said, about the WS moving on because they can't leave themselves, I'ld like to add to. They can look in the mirror each day and forget the hurt that they have caused you. They cannot look in your eyes and forget it. You become a reminder of their sins and anything that reminds them of it they want to push away. I don't know if my words are doing justice to my thoughts. This I believe is a major stumbling block. I don't believe the affair starts for malicious reasons (toward the spouse) but selfish reasons. As they begin to have to justify their actions I do believe that it becomes somewhat malicious however unintended it may be, as they tend to project their own guilt onto their spouse. I'm very sorry for your pain, thanks for your post, it helps me to know that even a soldier can be brought down by the pain of betrayal, I don't feel so weak! You're a trooper, I'm sure you will be fine what ever path you decide on. Just own your decision.
Author Wibble Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Believe me, BryanP and Salicious, I have done the "sod you" scenario to death! When I found out (from his wife) about the "fling" I moved out for a month. I returned when I realised that I was simply playing into her hands, and she wasn't happy about it! On the plus side one of the kids said "What took you so long?"; almost broke my heart....I can't be totally selfish, and then look back on a destroyed marriage, 3 heartbroken children and say "I tried my best to make it work...." Anyway, I found the video about a month later. She had shot it on her mobile and stored it on a memory stick. It was that day that I found out that he and her were still in contact,(it being some 2 months since she had admitted a sexual affair) and it was also that day that she realised what a complete liar and fraud she had betrayed her marriage for. I often think it was also the day our marriage died. To be honest, the memory of that (graphic) video encapsulates everything that prevents me from moving on with our relationship. As far as the kids are concerned, when I was away (which happens a lot)she used to go out on "family" outings with our kids, him, and his kids. They knew him quite well, but never thought anything of it (why should they?) She did have the decency to tell them that she had been having an affair with him when I moved out, but they will only realise when they get older just how fast and loose their mother played with their family. As you say, Ladyjane, I must decide what to do and stick at it. I honestly thought I had done that when I returned home. I was 100% committed to getting through this. But the anger and resentment cannot be wished away. The link you supplied is very relevant, but at least that guy got answers to his questions. I have a million blanks in my past, and the further into the past they go, the harder it is to resolve them. I fully understand why she would want to put this all in a box and forget about it, but that doesn't really resolve my issues.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Believe me, BryanP and Salicious, I have done the "sod you" scenario to death! When I found out (from his wife) about the "fling" I moved out for a month. I returned when I realised that I was simply playing into her hands, and she wasn't happy about it! You mean she wanted you to stay out of the house so she could be free to f#ck this other guy? So moving back in pissed her off? Oh dude...then its simple...if thats the way she truly feels...KICK HER ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE and get a divorce. After saying that, she is truly worthless and could care less about you. On the plus side one of the kids said "What took you so long?"; almost broke my heart....I can't be totally selfish, and then look back on a destroyed marriage, 3 heartbroken children and say "I tried my best to make it work...." I know man...and thats the hard part. You have all this love for you kids and you don't know what to do....on the other hand your wife could give a shi!t. She should have thought about her children and closed her f#cking legs. Sorry to be so blunt about it...but damn it pisses me off when people can't stay faithful especially when they have children. Anyway, I found the video about a month later. She had shot it on her mobile and stored it on a memory stick. It was that day that I found out that he and her were still in contact,(it being some 2 months since she had admitted a sexual affair) and it was also that day that she realised what a complete liar and fraud she had betrayed her marriage for. I often think it was also the day our marriage died. To be honest, the memory of that (graphic) video encapsulates everything that prevents me from moving on with our relationship. Well..thats coupled with the fact that she liked it when you moved out of the house tells me you need to pack her bags and push her out the door with your right foot. I mean I know you are trying to reconcile...but you didn't tell us this before and puts it in a little different perspective....she taped having sex with this other guy and was upset when you moved back into the house....what does this tell you? It tells me she isn't worth 2 squirts of piss. I'm sorry dude...but your wife sounds like she WILL do this again if the opportunity arises. She won't keep her legs closed to other men for long I am afraid. All I know is if my wife were the same way, I could no longer have her in the house regardless of how strongly I want to keep the family together for the kids sake. Sorry, but your wife is a tramp.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Wibble, I learned of my H's affair from a camera card also. That visual is horrific, the fact that he wanted to keep it as a momento of her is physically painful. Everytime he touches me I imagine what he was saying to her as he took those pictures. UUUGGGHHH! I NEVER have sex with him without thinking what he said or did with other women unless I'm stoned cold drunk. Yeah.... I remember..... the kids.
Author Wibble Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Well to be fair, Salicious, her reluctance to let me back into the house was based on her guilt about what she had done. No me= no guilt to face every day. The video is something I cannot understand. It was in the middle of the day, in our own bed. Some kind of weird momento? I don't know, but it sure screws with my head.... As for the continued contact, wife of OM had HIS nuts in a vice, and he was basically trying to keep my wife sweet ("I will love you forever", "I must stay for the sake of my kids"etc) to prevent HER from spilling the beans on the whole thing as it would destroy HIS marriage. As I said, a very ugly finale to a pretty sordid affair
Ladyjane14 Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 You mean she wanted you to stay out of the house so she could be free to f#ck this other guy? So moving back in pissed her off? Oh dude...then its simple...if thats the way she truly feels...KICK HER ASS OUT OF THE HOUSE and get a divorce. After saying that, she is truly worthless and could care less about you. I know man...and thats the hard part. You have all this love for you kids and you don't know what to do....on the other hand your wife could give a shi!t. She should have thought about her children and closed her f#cking legs. Sorry to be so blunt about it...but damn it pisses me off when people can't stay faithful especially when they have children. Well..thats coupled with the fact that she liked it when you moved out of the house tells me you need to pack her bags and push her out the door with your right foot. I mean I know you are trying to reconcile...but you didn't tell us this before and puts it in a little different perspective....she taped having sex with this other guy and was upset when you moved back into the house....what does this tell you? It tells me she isn't worth 2 squirts of piss. I'm sorry dude...but your wife sounds like she WILL do this again if the opportunity arises. She won't keep her legs closed to other men for long I am afraid. All I know is if my wife were the same way, I could no longer have her in the house regardless of how strongly I want to keep the family together for the kids sake. Sorry, but your wife is a tramp. What is this sick obsession you seem to have for 'women's legs being open or closed', SC??? You know, seriously... you need to READ some of your own posts and then maybe take some of your own advice. If you hate, disrespect, and distrust the woman you're married to... divorce her and move on with your life. Your bitterness is readily apparent here at LS, and by virtue of your previous postings, I have to doubt that it's not apparent to your wife as well. Under those conditions... you've got NO SHOT at fixing this. You're just spinning your wheels. Because it requires mutual love and respect to get it done. And before you say it... 'no', you don't have to "love and respect" the adultery. But you do have to "love and respect" the person if you want to be happy being married to them. Otherwise, you've got NOTHING to build on. ...if you are forgiving and trying to work things out, thats great...but don't EVER let your guard down. To Wibbles... Bear in mind that ANYTHING you do in a half-assed way is very likely to turn out "half-assed". So, whether you opt for recovery or divorce... bring your A-game. Living your whole life with your 'guard up' just keeps the people you care about from getting close to you. And that ain't no way to live.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 The video is something I cannot understand. It was in the middle of the day, in our own bed. Some kind of weird momento? I don't know, but it sure screws with my head.... I have to wonder if the pictures are representative of the fantasy elements of the affair. The WS oftentimes takes on a new persona that's almost unrecognizable to his/her betrayed spouse... sometimes taking risks that aren't normally a part of their real personality. Maybe it's kind of like taking a trip to the 'holodeck' in Star Trek, where you get the opportunity to make up a whole NEW character and playact your way through a story. (????)
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Well to be fair, Salicious, her reluctance to let me back into the house was based on her guilt about what she had done. No me= no guilt to face every day. So when you said she wasn't happy about you moving back in..she wasn't happy because of her guilt? So because she has guilt you shouldn't have moved back into your own house? The way you put the exclamation on that statement makes it look as if she was mad that you came back.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 What is this sick obsession you seem to have for 'women's legs being open or closed', SC??? Its not my obsession...its the one's who can't keep them crossed that are obssessed with it. You know, seriously... you need to READ some of your own posts and then maybe take some of your own advice. If you hate, disrespect, and distrust the woman you're married to... divorce her and move on with your life. It just might come to that...however...this man's wife, i must admit...is a helluva lot worse. Your bitterness is readily apparent here at LS, and by virtue of your previous postings, I have to doubt that it's not apparent to your wife as well. Under those conditions... you've got NO SHOT at fixing this. You're just spinning your wheels. Because it requires mutual love and respect to get it done. And before you say it... 'no', you don't have to "love and respect" the adultery. But you do have to "love and respect" the person if you want to be happy being married to them. Otherwise, you've got NOTHING to build on. Like I said...this is still fresh with me...but she knows that I have no quams about kicking her out of the house, and fighting for custody of my sons if she thinks she is going to pull this shi!t again. Now...as far as this poster's wife...she cheated on him even after he caught her the first time and by what he says she has no respect for him. I already told him whatever he does is up to him...I wouldn't blame him if he stayed, or if he went....I will tell him he is not alone and the anger is very understandable and it WILL come back to haunt him from time to time no matter how much time passes. To Wibbles... Bear in mind that ANYTHING you do in a half-assed way is very likely to turn out "half-assed". So, whether you opt for recovery or divorce... bring your A-game. Living your whole life with your 'guard up' just keeps the people you care about from getting close to you. And that ain't no way to live. LOL...my guard was down and I trusted my wife....alot of good that did. having your guard up doesn't mean being a bastard to your wife...it just means don't be played for a fool ever again. My guard wasn't up and I was walked all over as a result.
Author Wibble Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Just to be clear, Salicious, I did NOT find out about the first "fling" until the affair 15 years later was spiralling to a grisly conclusion. I walked out in 1990 because I was being treated like dirt - had I had an inkling of what was really going on I would never have returned. I walked out in 2005 because I found out that something had happened in 1990. My reasons for returning are given previously. As for "keeping your guard up", to an extent I know what you mean. I think that there will always be an "Exit" door in my marriage from now on - something I would have found inconceivable 5 years ago. That doesn't mean that I won't give it my all, but it does mean that I now have the strength to leave if I feel I am being abused.
Salicious Crumb Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Just to be clear, Salicious, I did NOT find out about the first "fling" until the affair 15 years later was spiralling to a grisly conclusion. I walked out in 1990 because I was being treated like dirt - had I had an inkling of what was really going on I would never have returned. I walked out in 2005 because I found out that something had happened in 1990. My reasons for returning are given previously. Ok...so you walked out in 2005 because of what happened earlier in your marriage....when did she start sleeping with this other guy? After you walked out and came back in 2005 or before? As for "keeping your guard up", to an extent I know what you mean. I think that there will always be an "Exit" door in my marriage from now on - something I would have found inconceivable 5 years ago. That doesn't mean that I won't give it my all, but it does mean that I now have the strength to leave if I feel I am being abused. Same with me. My guard will be up...not that I won't try to carry on a normal family life...I am trying my damndest for my kids sake. But like you, I am prepared if the time comes...only I think you need to reconsider leaving....SHE should be the one to leave. She was the one that didn't care enough about you and the kids to keep from screwing another guy, and in your bed of all places. So if the time comes...I think she should be the one to leave and really, she should know that she should go too. I can't imagine cheating on my wife, then expecting her to leave the house. If I had cheated, which would never happen, then I'd feel obligated to be the one to leave.
Trimmer Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Example...I don't ask my wife where she goes constantly..and really...I don't care. But once she strolled in past midnight...and I know she was actually over at her mom and dad's having a few drinks and shooting the bull with them and their friends...but strolling in late after she was found out to be a cheater is totally unacceptable. So I told her if she ever stays out that late again, she will be locked out of the house. She told me..."what, am i a child and have a curfew now?" I told her she never did and it never bothered me that she went out with friends....until she f#cked all of that up. Now, if she wants to keep the family together, then I expect her to act like a wife, and not a stray dog in heat. So, you explicitly knew where she was - with her own parents, no less - yet you took that as an opportunity to press your boot into her neck and twist it a little bit? Or given that you compared her to a stray dog, maybe I should have used the metaphor "kicked her through the screen door..." From the sound of your posts, I'm sure you feel that based on her mistake this is warranted and you are entitled, but wow, it doesn't sound like a marriage to me.
Mz. Pixie Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 So, you explicitly knew where she was - with her own parents, no less - yet you took that as an opportunity to press your boot into her neck and twist it a little bit? Or given that you compared her to a stray dog, maybe I should have used the metaphor "kicked her through the screen door..." From the sound of your posts, I'm sure you feel that based on her mistake this is warranted and you are entitled, but wow, it doesn't sound like a marriage to me. Amen Trimmer, and there are more posts like this around LS.
hurting_in_nw Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Yet another thread that makes me glad I'm divorcing my cheating spouse. I'm definitely one of those people who could never make it work after such a betrayal, and I'd rather get my own s**t together and make a new life than try to rebuild one with her.
Trimmer Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 With respect to this particular incident, the wife staying out late at her parents', I picture Wibble sitting at home with a cold sweat and a knot in his stomach, imagining for hours that perhaps his wife is out late because she is with another man. So, when she walks in the door, he is angry. Not angry that she was out, but angry about the infidelity. It is no wonder he feels justified in his anger. He is justified in feeling angry about the infidelity.... Actually, Sheba, my response was to Salacious_Crumb, who described the above situation in this post. And he wasn't sitting there, unaware, with a knot in his stomach; he himself, says: But once she strolled in past midnight...and I know she was actually over at her mom and dad's having a few drinks and shooting the bull with them and their friends... So he knew where she was, and that she was with family. His issue was that she broke his rule. And, indeed, he had a choice to approach it like you suggest, with communication, but he chose anger and domination instead.
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