staunchwoman Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Howdy, folks - I just found this great site, and am hoping that you all might have some advice for a most sticky situation I find myself in. Here we go... My lover and I have been together very happily for over nearly a year - we have a great deal in common, communicate beautifully, deal smoothly with whatever comes up, and just get along quite happily in all aspects. I can openly say that there is a deep, loving bond between us. Mutual support, respect, honesty - the whole deal... happiness. You get the idea. The hurdle we are dealing with now is that I am at the final stages of a divorce. As well, he is 21, and I am 34. Between us, these concerns aren't huge - the first is coming to a clean finish, and the second... well, it really doesn't worry us at all. However, both have his family in a HUGE, FIGHTING RAGE. Ever since his family found out about us, there has been no peace at all surrounding our relationship - we have basically had to go completely underground with it - hiding wherever we can. He attends college, but often stays at home during the weekends - so we have to carefully manage our correspondence, so as not to be found out. Why do we worry about being found out? Because his family has: 1) threatened to contact my soon-to-be ex husband (even though if he were to find out, it wouldn't affect the divorce settlement or process), 2) threatened bodily harm not only to me, but to their son as well, 3) harrassed the living daylights out of me by phone, email, text and such, 4) publicly berated me face-to-face, and 5) intimidated and stalked me by threatening to come to my home, so as to cause a public scene before my ex-to be and neighbors. ... and I can't even begin to go into what they have said about me to their son, or what damage they have done to their own home and its contents, out of rage over the situation. I get the feeling that there is some SERIOUS anger that courses through these people. And considering how calm, easy-going and caring my lover is, I'm frankly amazed that he is related to them at all. But this is his family, and I respect his desire to allay their concerns, as well. So, here's the issue. My lover and I are very close, and very happy together. Along with managing the avoidance and deterring of his family, we have maintained a very strong, healthy and loving bond together - plainly put, not a hint of dysfunctionality between us. And once my divorce is final - in less than a month - we are going to bring all of this out into the open with his family, to state that we are going to be together, and that this is our choice, our relationship... our thing. SO...How best to do this? Any advice on how to actually manage a two-way discussion with them, as opposed to the usual "stand there quietly and be screamed at"? Should I prepare to file for a restraining order against these folks (yes, they have been asked to leave me be, and records of their contacts have been taken)? Like my name says, I am something of a staunch woman, and am willing to stick through anything to stay at my fellow's side - and part of that is the strength to keep a cool head, and maintain my sense of character. Advise, anyone? Hugely appreciated - and thanks for hearing me out.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 I'm guessing that the age difference is the point of contention. If so, he is 21 and free to make his own choices. His choices may have financial ramifications if his parents contribute to his education expenses. My only caution or advice is that when we choose a partner, their family pretty much comes as as part of the package. Can he extricate himself from them and their feelings for the long haul? That is very hard to do, but not unheard of. Your love will have to endure more than most relationships have to tackle. It can happen, but expect a bumpy road for many years to come. I wish you well.
Calibabe2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 If these people are as dangerous as you say they are then absolutely, get a restraining order against them. A restraining order won't ensure that they won't commit some violent act against you, but it would still be a good thing to have. Any time these people threaten you in any way, you need to call the police. Sure, they may be his family, but they have no right to threaten violence. That's out of line. Do you think things will get better down the road? Most likely they will not. Are you willing to put up with these kinds of people? Is he willing to deal with this for maybe the rest of his life? That's a pretty tall order to ask of a 21 year old guy.
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