fighting with your SO

[Lauriebell82]

just a general question for all of u..for those who responded to my other thread its kind of a play on that. what is the big deal about fighting in a long-term relationship? this isn't really a huge problem, just a curiosity, and i would love to hear some opinions.

 

i mean i know its stressful and crappy when it happens, but do some people just not tolerate it well? my bf like desperately hates it. is this a guy thing? i've been in other relationships where there was a LOT more fighting. we have had a couple more fights about money mainly, but its like everytime we do get in a fight he says how stressed he is and how its taking a toll on him blah blah blah.

 

the good thing that he doesnt quite get is that we are able to resolve our fights and be happy again. but my bf seems to think that because we fight our relationship isnt going to work out or something. i dont agree with this logic. we dont fight CONSTANTLY, i mean usually we spend the entire weekend together because its a LDR. we dont usually get in huge blow out fights, just stupid arguments that get resolved pretty easily. but they dont make me "miserable" like they do him. what is his deal? do other guys/girls feel this way? i'm confused!

[Star Gazer]

A respectful difference of opinion - a disagreement - is one thing. Disagreements are to be expected, as not every single couple is going to have the same views on every subject in life.

 

"Fighting," however, is a completely different brand of tension, and it IS a big deal. It's my feeling that the two of you are FIGHTING, not simply disagreeing.

 

Keep in mind that it's usually one of two things that break up long term relationships: sex and/or MONEY. Honestly, Lauriebelle, the fact that the two of you have different views on money is a huge sign that you're likely going to be incompatible for the long-long term.

[Lauriebell82]

A respectful difference of opinion - a disagreement - is one thing. Disagreements are to be expected, as not every single couple is going to have the same views on every subject in life.

 

"Fighting," however, is a completely different brand of tension, and it IS a big deal. It's my feeling that the two of you are FIGHTING, not simply disagreeing.

 

Keep in mind that it's usually one of two things that break up long term relationships: sex and/or MONEY. Honestly, Lauriebelle, the fact that the two of you have different views on money is a huge sign that you're likely going to be incompatible for the long-long term.

 

yeah money is the main issue..we did have a long talk about it and did resolve stuff and things are getting better. its the disagreements (not fights and not just about money) that he gets upset about too. so thats kind of what i was wondering about. i guess it was the sort of disagreement over the weekend that sparked this. it wasnt about money at all, just something stupid that happened. it was like a disagreement type thing not even a fight and he said how much he was getting stressed out and how i was making a huge deal and stuff. he gets upset when i dont have money to pay for stuff and thats where we start arguing and fighting. we did try to resolve it, and so far its been getting better. but thanks for responding to this thread too. i was just curious about other stupid little fights like we had this weekend. it was over something real stupid and he got real upset so i'm just wondering why that was.

[Aloros]

My current long-term relationship is the most harmonious I've ever experienced. I think it helps that we don't disagree on the "big" things, but I've also noticed that when things get tense, we often diffuse it through humor. We both acknowledge that our little disagreements are not anywhere near important to either of us as our relationship.

 

Sometimes we get pissy at one another over a snappy comment, our differences in the way we drive, or who said what. When we argue, we argue fairly - neither of us attacking the other. Each of us takes a turn in saying what we feel we need to say, the necessary apologies are made, and then we move on. End of story.

 

Maybe you should sit down and talk with your guy. Ask him what about the way you two argue upsets him. Does he feel it makes for an unstable relationship? Does he feel like you're attacking him personally? Try to work out exactly why he stays upset for so long. Is he simply holding a grudge? Is what you're arguing about something that could make or break you long-term?

 

I'd say it's a warning sign if you two disagree over money. You can try to smooth that over, but one or the both of you will need to change.

 

Good luck and hope this helps!

[Lauriebell82]

My current long-term relationship is the most harmonious I've ever experienced. I think it helps that we don't disagree on the "big" things, but I've also noticed that when things get tense, we often diffuse it through humor. We both acknowledge that our little disagreements are not anywhere near important to either of us as our relationship.

 

Sometimes we get pissy at one another over a snappy comment, our differences in the way we drive, or who said what. When we argue, we argue fairly - neither of us attacking the other. Each of us takes a turn in saying what we feel we need to say, the necessary apologies are made, and then we move on. End of story.

 

Maybe you should sit down and talk with your guy. Ask him what about the way you two argue upsets him. Does he feel it makes for an unstable relationship? Does he feel like you're attacking him personally? Try to work out exactly why he stays upset for so long. Is he simply holding a grudge? Is what you're arguing about something that could make or break you long-term?

 

I'd say it's a warning sign if you two disagree over money. You can try to smooth that over, but one or the both of you will need to change.

 

Good luck and hope this helps!

 

we do agree on the big things..the disagreements over money are simply that i dont have any, and he does. therefore he wants to go out a lot and do things, but cant afford to constantly pay for both of us everytime he wants to go out and do things (yes he has a lot of bills), but doesnt understand that i cant pay for myself everytime he wants to get out. we had a long talk about this and he said he would try to stop giving me such a hard time about the issue. next year when i graduate and get a job then it may get better, and we probably wont fight over things cause i wont have to say i dont have the money to go out. saying u dont have money to do things isnt a crowd pleaser in my experience.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's my take on it. If it's someone else's issues, it's drama. If it's your own issues, they are valid concerns. Based on this explanation, men don't like drama...

 

- Feed them.

- Have sex with them.

- Listen to them.

- give them a hug once in awhile.

 

Wash, rinse and repeat...

[Star Gazer]

we do agree on the big things..

 

No hun, you don't. Money IS one of the "big things."

[Lauriebell82]

No hun, you don't. Money IS one of the "big things."

 

true..he agreed to be more understanding about the issue so we'll see. its hard on both of us, i guess he just doesnt get it.

[Star Gazer]

i guess he just doesnt get it.

 

You don't seem to be either.

[Lauriebell82]

You don't seem to be either.

 

what do u mean?

[Walk]

Ouch Star Gazer. That was harsh. Its pretty damn simple to be an arm chair quarter back. You sure you'd be so open eyed if you were in her shoes? What if you'd never been in a relationship that had any money issues before?

 

Lauriabell: The money problem is big because even after you get a job, he's still going to want to spend money. He's still going to want to go out even if there isn't enough. He's still going to be resentful if you suggest the two of you don't have enough. You're still going to fight over it.

 

My parents view money differently. So they set up different accounts. His, hers and bills. My dad spends his money differently than my mom does. My mom sees things she buys it. My dad hordes money. They've been married nearly 40 years. It's not the difference that is insurmountable, it's how you tackle that difference. Talk to your bf. Any time you start to feel resentment or you notice he's acting pissy, then ask him questions. Then find comprimise. If he's upset that you two can't go out, then offer a solution that can help both of you. Why do you have to go to fancy restaurants if you have very little money? We have decent restaurants here that don't cost over $20 for both people. They don't offer beer and fancy atmosphere, but it's good food and we don't have to cook for an evening.

 

Find a way to meet both needs. If his need is to get out of the house, then find a solution for that. If dinner is too expensive, then trade a dinner out for a breakfast out. If the fancy movie theater is too much for you, then find out where the discount theater is. You're both trying to live above your means. And you're both unhappy about it.

 

Anyway... arguments suck. I hate them. A disagrement can lead to a better understanding of the person if you're both openly trying to find comprimise. But battles of will to have things a set way are horrible. Those arguments will break up relationships quick.

[serial muse]

I thought you all had come up with a compromise about the money thing - that you'd cook more and eat out less, or something? That sounded reasonable.

 

Sounds to me like the issue he's having isn't so much about money as about feeling annoyed that he has to be accommodating to your situation, and I think that's a huge red flag, to be honest. Not having money is not negotiable - you've got it or you don't. If you don't, there isn't much you can do about it, so him getting pissy over it is pointless.

 

My only question is, does he not agree that you don't have money, for some reason? Does he just think you're stingy? That's the only reason I can see for even bothering to argue about it.

 

Or - which seems more likely - does he just feel like your financial situation it's a burden to him that he basically doesn't want, and so he's blaming you for it? If that's the case, then you two have a significant problem that isn't really about money at all.

[Lauriebell82]

I thought you all had come up with a compromise about the money thing - that you'd cook more and eat out less, or something? That sounded reasonable.

 

Sounds to me like the issue he's having isn't so much about money as about feeling annoyed that he has to be accommodating to your situation, and I think that's a huge red flag, to be honest. Not having money is not negotiable - you've got it or you don't. If you don't, there isn't much you can do about it, so him getting pissy over it is pointless.

 

My only question is, does he not agree that you don't have money, for some reason? Does he just think you're stingy? That's the only reason I can see for even bothering to argue about it.

 

Or - which seems more likely - does he just feel like your financial situation it's a burden to him that he basically doesn't want, and so he's blaming you for it? If that's the case, then you two have a significant problem that isn't really about money at all.

 

yeah we did come up with a compromise..and its worked so far. everyone who responded to this thread remembered my other one where i talked about the issues i was having with my bf and fighting over money so they thought that this is what i was referring to about the fighting. we did resolve the money issue, he told me that sometimes its hard that i dont have money to go out (maybe sometimes he does think that i just dont want to pay). my best friend does the same thing to me, we got in a fight over her bday situation (my other thread that is going "my bf/money". she thinks i'm cheap cause i dont want to spend money, i'm NOT cheap, i'm broke. HUGE DIFFERENCE. my bf does understand that a little better and he said that he would try to be more understanding. he loved the dinner i cooked for him this past weekend.

 

the purpose of the thread was just that he hates fighting (not about money other stupid stuff) and he says its stressing him out, making him feel sick, blah blah blah. i dont know if thats a guilt trip he's laying on me or waht. i mean nobody likes fighting, but he seems to think that if we have a fight here and there we have a bad relationship. he's only had one other long term relationship and it was LDR so i dont think they fought that much cause they didnt see each other on a regular basis. maybe he's just not used to the whole long term fighting/making up type deal. i guess i was just trying to get other opinions on the subject. we always end up resolving the fight and move on, but during teh fight he gets so upset and starts saying how he's sick and stressed. i dont know if thast normal or not?

[insomnie]

My boyfriend is exactly the same way, if not worse. He will go to any length to avoid/procrastinate arguments (usually his attempts make him more unhappy and me more pissed, therefore creating for new and bigger fights). When we do fight, he also gets VERY stressed and he'll need space for a week or two and things will generally be awkward for like a month. It's horrible...he really does not fight very well, and has no concept of making up. He always says when we start fighting that what he hates the most about our relaitonship is my need to argue...but we really don't fight or argue or even disagree all that often. Maybe 3-4 times a YEAR.

 

I don't know what kind of advice to give you on the issue...if I did I would have applied it to myself long ago. What you can do is try not to get too bent out of shape when you do have disagreements, try not to escalate things once they get started. And of course, pick your battles... if you can let something go and still be happy, try to do that.

[Star Gazer]

Ouch Star Gazer. That was harsh. Its pretty damn simple to be an arm chair quarter back. You sure you'd be so open eyed if you were in her shoes? What if you'd never been in a relationship that had any money issues before?

 

How was that harsh? She's not getting it.

 

I've been on both sides of this type of relationship before. I don't offer advice where I have absolutely no experience with the poster's situation. I'm not here to coddle her as it seems almost everyone else will, but there are some things she's also got to open her eyes to on her own. She seems damn resistant to that. I said it many times - MONEY is a HUGE thing. It CAUSES breakups. Yest she continues to say, "oh we don't fight over big things, just money." Um, hello? Later she recants that and says they don't fight about money, just other stupid stuff. Fighting is fighting, period.

 

Fundamental differences in money-matters cause breakups. It's a key component of compatibility. Each partner must have similar expectations regarding how money will be earned - and by who - and how it well be spent - on what, when, who, etc. If the views aren't similar, they need to have a complete understanding of one another's views and be able to reconcile them somehow. LB and her BF have clearly have very, very, very different views on money. That's a very hard thing to change, particularly when they're fighting about it.

 

LB thinks he's "weird" about money, but not cheap. She cannot even articulate his feelings about spending money other than to say he's got this "weird" money thing. They aren't communicating about money. They're fighting about it.

 

This is evident from LB's later post where she says, "he hates fighting (not about money other stupid stuff) and he says its stressing him out, making him feel sick, blah blah blah. i dont know if thats a guilt trip he's laying on me or waht." Blah, blah, blah? Hmph, yeah, sounds like she's really taking HIS feelings into consideration. She's more concerned about upsetting her friend at dinner than her BF. And what's this about a "guilt trip"? I HATE when people pull that card. LB's projecting...she DOES feel guilty, but she wants us to help her not feel guilty.

 

LB has REPEATEDLY in the past completely dismissed her BF's needs...when he was studying for the CPA exam, she was all up in his face wanting "more time." Now she's calling him "weird" with money when he's the only one EARNING any in the relationship. From what she has told us, I can totally understand why her BF is getting so frustrated.

 

Anyway, she also says they fight over other things, other "stupid stuff." This "fighting" upsets up, stresses him out, and makes him feel sick. She's dismissive of these feelings, and acting like "WTF is his problem??" It's obviously a big deal TO HIM and therefore it should be a big deal to HER, that is, if she wants to stay in this relationship. Thing is, I have a strong feeling she's not REALLY trying to understand HIM and/or doesn't care to. She's seeking justification from us for the way SHE feels. The only way to really understand HIS feelings is to talk to HIM.

[Lauriebell82]

LB has REPEATEDLY in the past completely dismissed her BF's needs...when he was studying for the CPA exam, she was all up in his face wanting "more time." Now she's calling him "weird" with money when he's the only one EARNING any in the relationship. From what she has told us, I can totally understand why her BF is getting so frustrated.

 

well unfortunately for the next year he is going to be the only one "earning." i have a part time job that doesnt pay much, and go to graduate school full time. not much i can do about that at the moment. i've tried explaining it to him, but i think sometimes he feels that i dont want to pay and am being stingy. after our last fight about it we did come to a compromise and worked it out. its not an issue of our spending styles, i like to go out and have fun as well, however i just dont have means to do so right now and he does. so that is the conflict. we are agreeing to do less expensive things and that instead of like paying for us to go out to dinner i would buy groceries and cook dinner for us. i've already said this, we worked out the money thing. its just a conflict of incomes right now.

 

Anyway, she also says they fight over other things, other "stupid stuff." This "fighting" upsets up, stresses him out, and makes him feel sick. She's dismissive of these feelings, and acting like "WTF is his problem??" It's obviously a big deal TO HIM and therefore it should be a big deal to HER, that is, if she wants to stay in this relationship. Thing is, I have a strong feeling she's not REALLY trying to understand HIM and/or doesn't care to. She's seeking justification from us for the way SHE feels. The only way to really understand HIS feelings is to talk to HIM.

 

ur right..sometimes i tend not to listen to him and automically get defensive and dont want to hear WHY he is feeling the way he feels. i'm trying to do that more now, its hard cause i am not a patient person and am very sensitive when i feel i'm being attached. (i've lashed out on here a couple times). i'm working on trying to stop that. actually our fight over the weekend improved from other fights, because i stopped and listened to his point of view and realized how he was feeling. this helped, but he still said i was stressing him out by bringing up all this "drama." we do try to work through our fights. i dont think its even a question of me not meeting his needs, he told me that he loves me, and although we fight sometimes he does love me so much and doesnt want to be without me. yeah we got issues to work on, every relationship does. the purpose of this whole thing got a little skewed.

[Walk]

Maybe both of you could take a class on communication? (Not being sarcastic here.)

 

Maybe he could learn how to express his feelings in a clearer manner. And you could learn how to control the defensive tendencies.

 

Laurabelle, I'm having a hard time understanding what you're asking for. (Probably cause I'm exhausted) But I'm not sure if you're asking for ways to argue more effectively, or whether you want to know if this problem with arguing is irrational of your bf and therefore something that can't be changed.

 

Even if we all jumped on here and said he's being a wussy for crying about a little argument... how will that help your relationship? (just wondering) It doens't stop how your bf feels. And it doesn't stop the argument. What would you do with the information if you felt your bf was being retarded about the argument thing? How will that change your relationship?

 

It might benefit you to ask him what his idea of a "disagreement" would be, and why he feels it should be that way. (if you've already asked, ask again because I don't get the feeling you understand him yet.) Ask him as many questions as possible until you feel you thoroughly understand his mentality on the subject. Then decide whether he's being a prissy wuss about it, or he has a valid point. Maybe it's your "style" of arguing that he has a problem with and not the "problem" you presented. Maybe its how upset you get that is causing him so much discomfort. My bf gets upset at me and it's the worst thing in the world... my ex and I used to have arguments/disagreements, but we never fought. I prefer to argue the way my ex and I did, a calm discussion of our opinions. No raised voices, or agitated angry gestures. I hate the way my bf and I argue.. I think disagreements are a healthy part of a relationship, but it's how you deal with those that really determine the length of the relationship. The reason for the argument doesn't matter as much as the way in which the two of you communicate.

 

So, in answer to your question. I think your bf is being a prissy little wuss. I also think you're being defensive and hostile toward him. Ideally, you two will attempt to meet in the middle on this. You work on your defensiveness. He needs to work on how he communicates his needs in a way that will allow comprimise. (ie: he issued a command that you would pay half the expenses to visit his parents. didn't ask if you would. Didn't offer it as a suggestion and ask your opinion.)

 

Once you understand "What" is causing him the anxiety about arguments, then work on those. You can't change him.. so you're left with you. If you feel you're changing too much to fit his ideas then maybe it's time to leave. If both of you are working on comprimise, then maybe it will work. But you'll have to decide that on your own.

[IpAncA]

just a general question for all of u..for those who responded to my other thread its kind of a play on that. what is the big deal about fighting in a long-term relationship? this isn't really a huge problem, just a curiosity, and i would love to hear some opinions.

 

i mean i know its stressful and crappy when it happens, but do some people just not tolerate it well? my bf like desperately hates it. is this a guy thing? i've been in other relationships where there was a LOT more fighting. we have had a couple more fights about money mainly, but its like everytime we do get in a fight he says how stressed he is and how its taking a toll on him blah blah blah.

 

the good thing that he doesnt quite get is that we are able to resolve our fights and be happy again. but my bf seems to think that because we fight our relationship isnt going to work out or something. i dont agree with this logic. we dont fight CONSTANTLY, i mean usually we spend the entire weekend together because its a LDR. we dont usually get in huge blow out fights, just stupid arguments that get resolved pretty easily. but they dont make me "miserable" like they do him. what is his deal? do other guys/girls feel this way? i'm confused!

 

It's a BIG deal to me. When you get yelled at and fight all the time with someone, you get tired of it.

 

I don't like yelling unless I have to because it brings back memories.

 

It bothers me BIG TIME.

[Lauriebell82]

Walk-thanks, ur right he doesnt like my "style" of fighting. he is always sooooooo calm, and i have trouble doing that. he HATES when i even get a little bit worked up. i have tried to calm down and not freak out at little things so much and i think i've gotten a lot better. we honestly have never had a screaming match type fight. we have never had a big huge blowout fight where we are both screaming and yelling at each other. usually they are just aruguments.

 

i have been trying to work on calming down and not trying to get defensive. and it's working. i guess as a started reading what everyone has to say about this i realized that its not that he hates fighting, but i guess he hates the way i fight. so i've tried to actually slow myself down and try to listen to what he has to say. let's hope it works!

[insomnie]

I am dealing with exactly the same thing you are Lauriebell. I overreact, my boyfrined underreacts to everything. He's calm as a fish and HATES fighting.... wheras I need to discuss minor problems that arise in order not to build resentment - and when he refuses to discuss, I get worked up.

 

I don't know what advice to give you but I AM very curious as to what other people will say and if anyone can offer any practical advice as to how to make this fighting difference any better.

[Star Gazer]

Lauriebell and Insomnie -

 

You BOTH need to learn to pick your battles. Constantly riding your BF will put your entire relationship at risk. The key is to strike a balance between the battles you choose to fight and those you choose to let go.

 

Ideally, we'd all love to live in a 100% conflict-free environment, where fights rarely, if ever, happen. And while it may seem like a stretch, getting to this point is really only a matter of figuring out what is really important to you, what is worth fighting for (and what's not), and, perhaps, being a little more open-minded and accepting of those around us.

 

Take a minute to think about the last argument you had, and what's really important to you. Chances are none of the things that you battled over will come up. Battling for your real priorities would likely involve fighting for you family's safety, changing a law to be more just, making your community a better place, and so on.

 

Thing is, you can try all you want to pull someone toward your own ideals, but eventually they will pull back to their own instincts. You can't change people, period. You have to accept them for who they are. Therefore, most "battling" is going to be completely useless. As a result, you should only fight over what's absolutely necessary to fight over/for...the deal-breakers.

[jcster]

"..he doesnt like my "style" of fighting. he is always sooooooo calm, and i have trouble doing that. he HATES when i even get a little bit worked up."

 

All topics of argument and their relative merits aside - this is going to cause you a TON of trouble if you don't work it out now. My ex-husband couldn't deal with me getting angry - over anything - and we never found a good way to deal with disagreements. Finally we just started ignoring our problems - which eventually broke us up for good. It's very, very important to find a way to discuss problems in a way you both are comfortable with. I truly wish that my husband and I had gone for some type of counseling to help us communicate better.

[Lauriebell82]

"..he doesnt like my "style" of fighting. he is always sooooooo calm, and i have trouble doing that. he HATES when i even get a little bit worked up."

 

All topics of argument and their relative merits aside - this is going to cause you a TON of trouble if you don't work it out now. My ex-husband couldn't deal with me getting angry - over anything - and we never found a good way to deal with disagreements. Finally we just started ignoring our problems - which eventually broke us up for good. It's very, very important to find a way to discuss problems in a way you both are comfortable with. I truly wish that my husband and I had gone for some type of counseling to help us communicate better.

 

Yeah i dont want to start ignoring things that happen. We had a nice talk tonight and he said he understands that i'm emotional and i cant always stay calm. he said he would try not to get pissed off when i get upset. I need to try to listen to him instead of get pissed off. We dont fight all that much, though. When we do fight, its hard thoug. I've tried to stay calm during arguments and i think i have really calmed down. So maybe thats helping us. You guys are really a big help, I really appreciate it. I just really love my bf and i want to work things out with him. I really hope we can!