aeren944 Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I don't know if I'm posting this just for emotional support, or because I'm sick and tired of worrying privately about it. My GF and I are just starting our new life together, though we are still long distance until September. Due to outside circumstances, we're stuck in different states until then. We have a 3 and a half year old girl together. For the first 2 years, our daughter lived with me and I took care of her. From then on, her mom (my GF) has been raising her. Like I said, in September, we'll be reunited... but there's one catch. We're pregnant again, and due in September. I'm really worried for a number of reasons. My family has never liked my GF. They think she's trouble and she's no good for me. Therefore, I haven't told them that we're expecting again. I'm scared of what will happen if I tell them. Also, since she'll be having the baby when they move out here, I'll be working to support them for the first month or two. I don't make much money now, and I'm scared that I won't be able to support my family! I'll be working for my GF, my daughter, and the new baby! I'm really scared that I can't do it! Also, she's pregnant, and a state away... which means I'm not able to feel it kick, to go to the store and get her weird stuff to eat in the middle of the night... all the things expectant fathers do. I'm scared that I won't love the baby like I do our 3 year old. Like I said, I'm not sure why I'm posting this. It's been on my mind for a long time (ever since we found out) and I'm just scared that we can't do it. I know it's stupid that we're pregnant again... but regardless, it's not the baby's fault, so he/she deserves the best we can give. I'm just really unsure right now. Do I tell my family? Do I look for a second job? What do I do??
JuliaH Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Hi, I have not been in this situation, but I feel compelled to write. Tell your family about the pregnancy. It will allow you to stop worrying and focus on your growing family. They will find out sooner or later, it might as well be now. Once you tell them, end by saying, "You do not have to like her (GF), but please respect my family. I want you to be a part of my kids' lives." If they can't be kind to the GF and accepting of your children because of her, you may need to make a difficult decision not to talk with them. Only you know if there is truth to what your family thinks about your GF. If some of what they dislike about her is indeed true, and it bothers you, then you need to stop having children with her. You are probably afraid that they will judge you.... "you have another child with THAT woman!" You owe your family nothing. So what if they judge you. Are you happy? Do you love the mother of your children? That's all that matters. You're a family unto yourselves. Love and thrive. In this life, you can choose NOT to associate with people who bring you down or cause you drama. I've had to choose not to speak with certain family members. Yes, it's unfortunate, but my life is much happier and less stressful. About supporting your family..... plan. Spend one evening making a budget. List your family's expenses. If it means you must get a second job, then do it. If you want to learn a new trade there are adult schools that pay you to attend or can give you a scholarship toward higher education. Talk with your GF. If your family's survival depends on it, she may have to get a job once the baby is born, even if part-time. This can be a Catch 22. Sometimes daycare costs more than what mom brings home! Then you need to decide if it's best for her to stay home with the kids. You will have two children. That's a huge responsibility. It might be best to plan birth control until you get on your feet and feel more confident about the future. Good luck.
Sassy Gal Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 as far as $$ goes wait and see how it will pan out....remember that your girl will probably be working too. make a money plan---figure out your bills on paper, then see what you've got left after you both get paid, then divide that up by 4 wks and you know what you can spend per week. count diapers & formula/foods as a bill so you are never short! maybe join a Sams/BJs/Costco if you haven't already, and shell out the $150 or finance a small chest freezer. my hubby and i did when we were in the same boat and we're glad cuz it saves us bundles!!! my family never liked my husband when we were dating and i did it anyway--------they said the same things. so i would tell them flat out but lovingly, this is the person you have chosen. they need to accept that and enjoy their grandchildren. regardless of how they view the g/f, you have been able to maintain a stable relationship even with a child and the distance between you for the past 3+ years. they need to get over it. this is who you love. make sure to reiterate to them that you love them too.
Author aeren944 Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Awesome! Thank you so, so, so much. That's what I needed to hear!
stillafool Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 I feel for you two. How many people have expected a child they weren't ready for and when the baby gets here it all works out somehow. You should start looking for a second job right now so you'll be ready. You need to discuss with your GF how long before she will plan to start back to work. Maybe it will be easier with the two of you living together and she can cook and save you guys money. Also it will be good that all of you will be together as a family. Definitely do not worry about your family. If your GF is a good mother and treats you well they will come around. You have to be with who you love not who your family loves. good luck to you guys.
Sundancer Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Aer- I felt compelled to reply to your message for a couple of reasons. The first one is because my husband and I are expecting our first baby (together) in September, as well. (I have boys from a previous marriage). I am not sure when y'alls due date is - but I am almost half through my pregnancy. You should definitely tell your family. Don't hide it from them. Even if they are not supportive don't let them take away from one of the happiest times in your lives. You sound like a good caring supportive father- the financial issues will work themselves out. Don't be afraid to use sources like WIC for your family. It isn't food stamps. Good luck Friend. Oh and btw- I had the same concerns about not loving my second as much as my first- but I promise the minute you see him/her you will and you will realize you've worried yourself over nothing for all these months. Keep us updated.
Mr. Lucky Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Is there a reason you're not providing your GF and children the emotional, legal and financial security of marriage? Mr. Lucky
Geishawhelk Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 This is probably an American thing (and I really don't mean that disparagingly) but I've never heard the "We're pregnant" phrase used here.... I'm always of the opinion that until a man can feel hormonal mood swings, feel sick, bloated, have swollen ankles get sore breasts that feel as if they're about to explode, suffer food cravings and have stretch-marks - there's no "We are" about it - !! Secondly - and at the risk of sounding callous - if you live so far apart and things are this difficult - maybe a more serious approach to Birth control might have been fairer on all three of you? But what's done is done, I guess.... so it's commendable that you are taking such a concerned attitude. I wish you all well, and can only assure you that "This too shall pass."
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