Intimacy issue

[inthegroove]

I have been in a great relationship with a wonderful woman for about 7 months now. Lately we’ve been having problems though. We’ve had some good, constructive discussions, and it seems to come down to the fact that she is not really sexually attracted to me. Every other aspect of our relationship is great – there is just this one (quite fundamental) piece of the puzzle that seems to be missing. She likes cuddling and affection (although I am much more affectionate than she is) but she rarely (not never, mind you) feels like having sex. There have been times when I’ve commented that something is romantic (walking on the beach at sunset, for example), and she says that she just doesn’t feel that, although she wants to and she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t. She says that she hasn’t had this problem in past relationships.

 

People reading this might think that it sounds like we’re just not right for each other. The thing is, everything else about our relationship is wonderful. I really want it to work, and during our last talk, my girlfriend said that she does too. We are both committed to figuring this out, although it seems to be something that she needs to do more work on. She went to the library yesterday and got a stack of books on intimacy, 'learning to love', etc. as a first step. If the self help route doesn’t work, we discussed the possibility of some counseling.

 

She said that what she needs from me is basically to do nothing any differently. Keep being me, and let her figure this out. So my part in this process of working through it seems to be to do nothing – which I am fine with, but I really want to help her if I can. I have told her how much I appreciate that she is willing to work through this – cause every other aspect of our relationship is so great – we have a lot of fun together, similar interests, on the same page in terms of what we envision in the future, and that sort of thing. We both really want this to work.

 

I don’t know – this is all new to me – has anyone had any experience with this kind of issue? Is it something that is possible to work through? Is there anything I can do? I will do my best to just give her the space to figure it out, but I really want to help if I can.

 

Thanks for any ideas or advice anyone has!

J

[Storyrider]

I married my H. under these same general circumstances. He was more attracted to me, while my interest in him sexually seemed to go down after the first six weeks. And yes, we are still married, and we still struggle with sex issues.

 

I don't know if I can give you helpful advice. These things happen. You can be very compatible in other areas and still have issues with sex. Realistically, if she doesn't want to have sex with you now, it is likely to get harder, not easier. This is supposed be the most passionate time in your relationship. In my opinion, if you are meant to be together, she should want to jump you and not be able to keep her hands off you.

 

Don't think it means there is anything wrong with you, though. I'm sure there is someone out there right now who would want to jump you. Good luck.

[Star Gazer]

It sounds to me as though she has some sort of emotional wall up. You said she said she didn't experience these feelings previously ... is that true even for not thinking a sunset stroll on the beach is romantic?